Codependency - what does it look and sound like?

what a great question. I'm not sure either, but this has been my process. It was also one of my greatest struggles, because giving up a relationship also feels like self-betrayal since relationship is one part of how I defined myself. 

This days, I just have me, myself, and I in the center of my soul. Think of it as a series of concentric circles, with the first innermost circle as "self". relationships and other things that are very close to my identity come in the second circle. Anything that feels like I'm sacrificing the first innermost circle gets canned. Everything else is a healthy compromise. The work then is in identifying what comes in the first and second circles. For example, I no longer accept being in a relationship without labels and a clear shared responsibility in maintaining, progressing, and nurturing the relationship - I identify myself as a full person who is a good partner and looking for someone who is on my team and therefore, is willing to be and acknowledge being my life partner. I also see myself as an independent woman who doesn't know everything, but is willing to try and learn, and have the ability to get through difficulties. I also now see myself as someone who wants clearly an expansion in life, and therefore, will not accept limiting beliefs nor behaviors from myself and others that seek to keep me down. I also now see myself as someone who believes in honest and authentic conversations to speak my truth, and I will engage only on those levels. Then, I judge my reactions and situations against those definitions. 

For example, sometimes my partner is unable to have a conversation with me e.g., he's stressed about work but doesn't want to tell me about it and goes to the therapist instead. He doesn't tell me all these things, but I observe that he is detached and unavailable for a period of time, then he suddenly has a therapist appointment. Previously, I would have been triggered and felt upset that he doesn't tell me, but chooses to go for therapy instead. Previously, I identified myself as a partner who is also someone's best friend, and therefore, will exchange deep conversations about everything and anything (cos that's the way I am). I no longer see that as myself. More importantly, I also do not have in my definitions what other people do/feel. My definitions now are just solely centered on me and what I want, and how I wish to go forth in my interactions with people.  

I didn't push for conversations (I was still triggered insecure but I just kept my head down and have to work through it), but waited to see if staying in that situation will directly affect my sense of self. Does it challenge who I see myself as? Does my situation cause me to misalign from how I see myself and, more importantly, how I want/expect myself to be? Did he not talking to me about his situation contradict any of the definitions I've set for myself? No, it didn't. He went to the therapist, and got himself in order, and now we are back on track and progressing well in the relationship. The situation didn't go on for that long till I had a shot sense of self, so there's no self-betrayal for sure. I didn't think about compromises here though. I think a healthy compromise  for someone who thinks sharing all details is important might have been something like... discussing the parameters around how to deal with these periods of stress - if he had asked for space to only talk to the therapist first to sort himself out, then we can talk after that when he's feeling more settled. I considered this a healthy compromise when I am able to keep my sense of self intact as well as give him the space he needs to process, and then we return to some form of normality and achieve some progress in the relationship even without that conversation. 

My healthy compromise so far in this relationship was just more around the activities that we do - I'd like more outdoors, he'd like more indoors.. My compromise was to let him sleep as much as he wants, but after that we need to head out for a coffee/groceries/walk; his compromise was going out for food or for a walk when the weather is nice. I also take on his indoors hobbies e.g., gaming, books, that I find interesting myself, and he tries to bring me "out" more e.g., going to town for drinks (still indoors, but it's not at home). It doesn't threaten my sense of self - he's a good partner who wants to do things with me, just different things, which expands my life through learning new hobbies, and we've had open honest discussions around this where I spoke my truth and he heard it. I know activities seem inconsequential, but the process of getting aligned on the same page through conversation and compromises was something quite new to me. In the past, I might have been unheard and I was ineffective in speaking up for myself, and there was no good compromises, and I would be resentful and angry and petulant about it for a while before giving up on and withdrawing from the relationship. 

@shiningstar Thanks for the long thoughtful response! I’ll be back in the next few days to respond in more detail.