Testing behavior

I don't think it's the literature itself, I think it's the hopeful ( / longing, as mrob pointed out) intent in reading it. Most of what I've read is damning, basically saying FAs are the most damaged and need therapy before trying to date anyone, and don't even try. While there's some truth to that, I think it's overly judgmental the other way and REALLY nor helpful for anyone FA looking for information. It's a vilifying perspective, and some of these posts above are reading to me as generalized FA-bashing because people are hurting due to deactivating ex-partners.

But anyway, I once spent time weighing if improving my own availability would help fix things with my FA ex. I found this board just after I tipped over into secure. What cemented things for me was reading all start-to-finish relationship descriptions with suspected FA partners. Every single thread on this board, seriously!

Not one told a different story. Not one partner came here looking for answers to work on their relationships with an aware and willing FA partner. And for all those twisting for their unaware partners, the details were different but the patterns all played out the same. Every. Time.

Triggering at first, but I forced myself to keep reading and internalizing. Because, again, what I believe the literature tends to get wrong is the idea that the easiest way to earn secure is find a secure partner -- which can lead to hope for those hunting for hopeful information (ie if I'm more secure, my misguided ex partner will change and do what I hope for). The way to earn secure is the insecure individual has to want to heal and do the accompanying work. That's it. Much easier to do through therapy and having secure examples, but just having a secure person around who wants to help in itself isn't going to do it.

I've dated FAs, I'm friends with FAs, I have no personal examples of anything different than anyone else here. All that changed was my own healing, and while I'd hoped previous partners might catch up or be inspired by that, they've all remained exactly who they are years later, habitually trying to keep afloat while not taking responsibility for making their own changes. Accepting that this plays out the same every time if both people aren't working towards a change, with so many examples to back that up, was the most important aspect of utilizing this board for me. It helped shift my perspective to one of compassion with much healthier boundaries, which was still a process that took several months even after "earning secure."

I don't think of maladaptive behavior as testing behavior nor do I think it shows that someone cares or not. If the person is unavailable, they're not going to feel safe staying by coming up with a list of challenges for you that will magically make them want to be in the relationship if you pass by solving their formula.

Instead, I think of it as old defense mechanisms that no longer work in adulthood. Then it's just a matter of accepting the way things are and deciding if that's the way you want your life to be. You can stick around with good boundaries if you're okay with it and still believe you're fully compatible or walk away.

I love what happyidiot , who is FA and is possibly facing the end of a relationship with someone insecure-maybe-also-FA, said she's learned about incompatibility from the recent stress in her relationship. That's constructive, taking responsibility, and not blaming. Post is on the general board: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2234/incompatibility

Sure, it doesn't change my perspective on it. And in case mine needs clarifying too, I didn't mean anyone was posting anything damning here, I meant the literature itself I've seen tends to be very biased and vilifying to FAs (which is why I have a hard time knowing where to direct FAs for reading sources because it's debilitating, not motivating to read more, for someone already insecure to read someone "professionally" thinks they're horrible and unfit for connection). But there is blaming in the posts in this thread as well.