Post by maryk on Oct 25, 2019 20:12:51 GMT
With all the suffering on this board and happiness hanging on shreds of hope that a partner will come back, I wanted to write something positive that will hopefully help some people snap out of analysis paralysis and stop over focusing on what was lost. You can’t lose by raising your vibration. You can’t lose by healing your childhood wounds and trauma. You can’t lose by working towards aligning with your higher self.
I know if I had not gone through the pain of dating my avoidant FA ex, I would not be where I am today emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I obviously don’t condone a relationship which makes you hurt and unhappy and am not putting a bow on it, but it did 100% put me on the fast track for a lot of healing and growth.
In past relationships I was much more secure and they were easier and more fulfilling romantically. However I always felt a sense of lack which had nothing to do with my partners. I see now that it had everything to do with my own damage I didn’t know I had/needed to deal with.
Fast forward to dating the FA who showed up “normal” for a while and then kicked into all the hot and cold, triggering, bizarre behavior which we know and love. I definitely had a savior complex since this was his first relationship at 30 years old and I thought I could “help” aka I walked on eggshells, got resentful, and then had explosive, angry reactions and protest behavior. I can absolutely admit I was not in control of my emotions and loathed myself for it and putting up with the bare minimum. The relationship very much held a mirror up to my own issues.
All the anxiety and triggering quickly made me realize what I needed to heal and how my unresolved childhood trauma was effecting me in my current life. The hurt and frustration was the catalyst which empowered me to find my inner strength, develop boundaries, understand what i want from a partner, and helped liberate me from my own subconscious sabotages.
Had I not been at such a low point after our breakup, I would not have been motivated to do ayahuasca, mdma therapy, deep self reflection, and energy healing modalities like reiki. All of these personally helped immensely more than talk therapy which seemed to open up all the wounds all over again whereas these helped to clear them. I worked with my ex and I honestly had been over the job for a longtime but was too afraid to leave, and I wouldnt have if it wasn’t so uncomfortable having to see him there. So I quit and found a job I was much happier with. Ultimately, this very dark time caused a shift in my consciousness and my “dark night of the soul” helped me align to my true self and away from my ego.
And reciprocally, I know I helped my ex make changes for the better. He learned avoiding conflict does not in fact make it go away, he goes to therapy now, made positive habit changes, and started examining how his behavior effects others (I really thought a lot was done with malicious intent, but it really does stem from a serious lack of empathy and emotional awareness for others). I was one of the few people who called him out on his shitty behavior and he didn’t like to hear it but he respected me for it (although being his moral compass got old quick).
As much as I wish I could confirm otherwise, his unaware behavior still drives me up the wall and although I don’t internalize it anymore, it does trigger the hell out of me, so we do not speak. I miss him. We were friends and coworkers for many years before we dated, but I know my path right now does not include him.
So for anyone who has been in a bad relationship and wondering what the hell was the point of that? Pain is a shitty thing to go through especially when it’s caused by someone you love (intentionally or not). But if you think about how pain has been the catalyst to shake up your beliefs and make changes to ultimately become more whole and fulfilled, you will see yourself as less of a victim and see the hurt as a guiding teacher that is ultimately helping you work towards your greatest good. So feel the pain, acknowledge what happened sucked, and then transcend it.
I know if I had not gone through the pain of dating my avoidant FA ex, I would not be where I am today emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I obviously don’t condone a relationship which makes you hurt and unhappy and am not putting a bow on it, but it did 100% put me on the fast track for a lot of healing and growth.
In past relationships I was much more secure and they were easier and more fulfilling romantically. However I always felt a sense of lack which had nothing to do with my partners. I see now that it had everything to do with my own damage I didn’t know I had/needed to deal with.
Fast forward to dating the FA who showed up “normal” for a while and then kicked into all the hot and cold, triggering, bizarre behavior which we know and love. I definitely had a savior complex since this was his first relationship at 30 years old and I thought I could “help” aka I walked on eggshells, got resentful, and then had explosive, angry reactions and protest behavior. I can absolutely admit I was not in control of my emotions and loathed myself for it and putting up with the bare minimum. The relationship very much held a mirror up to my own issues.
All the anxiety and triggering quickly made me realize what I needed to heal and how my unresolved childhood trauma was effecting me in my current life. The hurt and frustration was the catalyst which empowered me to find my inner strength, develop boundaries, understand what i want from a partner, and helped liberate me from my own subconscious sabotages.
Had I not been at such a low point after our breakup, I would not have been motivated to do ayahuasca, mdma therapy, deep self reflection, and energy healing modalities like reiki. All of these personally helped immensely more than talk therapy which seemed to open up all the wounds all over again whereas these helped to clear them. I worked with my ex and I honestly had been over the job for a longtime but was too afraid to leave, and I wouldnt have if it wasn’t so uncomfortable having to see him there. So I quit and found a job I was much happier with. Ultimately, this very dark time caused a shift in my consciousness and my “dark night of the soul” helped me align to my true self and away from my ego.
And reciprocally, I know I helped my ex make changes for the better. He learned avoiding conflict does not in fact make it go away, he goes to therapy now, made positive habit changes, and started examining how his behavior effects others (I really thought a lot was done with malicious intent, but it really does stem from a serious lack of empathy and emotional awareness for others). I was one of the few people who called him out on his shitty behavior and he didn’t like to hear it but he respected me for it (although being his moral compass got old quick).
As much as I wish I could confirm otherwise, his unaware behavior still drives me up the wall and although I don’t internalize it anymore, it does trigger the hell out of me, so we do not speak. I miss him. We were friends and coworkers for many years before we dated, but I know my path right now does not include him.
So for anyone who has been in a bad relationship and wondering what the hell was the point of that? Pain is a shitty thing to go through especially when it’s caused by someone you love (intentionally or not). But if you think about how pain has been the catalyst to shake up your beliefs and make changes to ultimately become more whole and fulfilled, you will see yourself as less of a victim and see the hurt as a guiding teacher that is ultimately helping you work towards your greatest good. So feel the pain, acknowledge what happened sucked, and then transcend it.