Fearful-avoidant ex....at a loss

Hi Becky!

I just wanted to say my ex GF was exactly the same and she's in her early 40's and has been that way for years. She gets emotionally drained very easy when it comes to simple discussions about her past and emotions. She too was sexually abused. For almost 2 years back and forth we played the game of come here then go away... it destroyed me, she'd need time to "work on herself, her emotions and then get organized"... this happened over 6 times which equaled the amount of break ups we probably had. Once I got too close to her she resented it and got scared as if I was taking something away from her but really it's what she truly wanted. I'm more on the secure side but with some anxious tendencies depending on the situation, which dating an avoidant of any kind will certainly bring out FYI!

She's a wonderful person but very few people truly know her and once you get to know them they feel very exposed... I know this because I realized I've been surrounded by many avoidants my entire life and never realized it up until the last few months where I learned about attachment theory and the likelihood of avoidants to also have borderline or narcissism in town.

The hardest part is when they shut you out and they make
You feel like they don't care or you're just disposable to them like your feelings and emotions don't matter... ironically I've come to realize that this behavior that is hard to understand at first in many cases is an indicator that they do care but it is just a reaction to how getting close to someone impacts them. You have to remember that for them to be this way means someone in their childhood didn't take care of them or do right by them. Most of them
Never learned the value of love or sentiment or affection. You may even think to yourself "jeez why don't they just get it? How can they be this cold and uncaring?"... and the sad truth is that it's because that's what they were taught and Manny even feel like they don't deserve affection, love or nice things especially after being sexually abused.

I'd highly recommend allowing yourself to let go of the attachment you have with this guy because until he really gets help he will likely always repeat this cycle regardless of who he is with. Before me, my ex was only able to date men that were emotionally unavailable and even more avoidant than her and that just made her feel worse about the whole thing because she realized she can't take the closeness and intimacy of a relationship she wants and she can't stand the coldness of avoidants so I can see why she feels it's hellish.

We are now best friends and it works better this way, for now (and maybe forever) she needs a lot of her alone time and space (which i call her reclusive mode). I have started dating other women casually and it started to make me feel better realizing that it wasn't really me and that I couldn't have done any better to try and help my ex GF. Only she could help herself and her behavior towards me wasn't because of anything i did. Now that she's in therapy and tackling her issues she's been able to be honest to
Me and even apologize and grow a lot. I've found that if you really care about someone but they can't love you the way you deserve than maybe you can just be their supportive friend if that's possible for you. My ex has recently thanked me and gave me a really nice gift / token of appreciation for being there for her and being her "rock". All of this has given me peace and helped me accept what happened while not being regretful.

Take some time for yourself and heal and try to find someone that loves you and can reciprocate. Fearful avoidants and dismissive avoidants just can't... it's not their fault, it's just the way it is. In reality they are suffering more than you are.

I hope this helps :-)

So we approached the friends thing after she didn't talk to each other for a few days after it finally ended... then I just candidly told her that I wasn't her enemy but just wanted to talk because I hated how things went down. From there I just said that I understood she couldn't give more than friendship and she's now probably the best friend I've ever had and has opened up to me like she never has before now that she doesn't feel the pressure of having to fulfill some expectations she had in her head of what she felt being in a relationship required. Now that there isn't sex or affection anymore the pressure has just dropped by ALOT! She also knows I'm pretty much the only person that's really there for her since her family is just not dependable or far away and still not dependable. And yes she's apologized when we get on the topics of what has hurt me in the past. She started going to therapy after she realized she was treating me in a way she never thought she would treat anyone. She never had anyone actually try and give a shit like I did, the men before me were so avoidant, damaged and emotionally unavailable they made her feel sad and unimportant!!! Imagine that!!! You have to basically also remember that if you become friends with them they very well
Will be able to get close to you but you'll also see them for who they are and most of them don't want that, in fact they don't want anyone to know the real
Them outside of their facade. In my case sometimes I still
Somewhat deal with the pushing away but it becomes more like "ok I can't hang out tonight because I'm super busy " so I say "ok".... then she ends up texting all night and clearly she wasn't busy lol!!! It's hard to explain somewhat but she has admitted that she does love me and it scares her and makes her feel vulnerable that I know her like I do and that she trusts me which to someone like her is a big deal. So yeah, the avoidance doesn't die away even in friendship... but... it's more tolerable that way when they are just your good friends.

The feelings haven't completely gone away but I guess what I can say is that they are much more manageable in the sense that you know where you stand and you know what to expect because more boundaries are now defined and the avoidant doesn't feel expectation of intimacy or affection. It didn't take long for me to approach this, I kept hanging out with her and going to the gym together and such so we slowly encroached this talking point. I didn't really let her shut me out but in her case she didn't want that either. In a way I kind of confronted her in many cases with how she treated me and I've gotten her to realize a lot about herself. I realized that many avoidants are very scared and insecure people who basically live by constantly coping and using a facade in the world. My ex has admitted she doesn't like that I know her for exactly who she is but that she's rather have me than anyone else know. So being her friend doesn't take the complexity of her issues away, it just makes it easy for me to care about someone I want to care about and it's also easier for them to let their guard down because there aren't the same expectations anymore. I always wondered why all the avoidants in my life between family and friends always seemed to be walking contradictions or in many cases hypocritical... well I've realized they just need to make their own rules for themselves in order to cope and feel like they have control. It's actually not hard to get the sense of having the upper hand with an avoidant once you realize how they work. You just have to get in tune with them and once they realize you can work with their coping mechanism and follow their little boundaries that they don't really share with you it's not hard to steer them towards getting help but it's takes time and opportunity. It all depends on the person too, what works for one may not work for the other but I think I've unforntunarely dealt with many avoidants in my life (more than I wish I ever did) to have a general baseline for how to get in tune with their feelings and make them feel more comfortable with me. Also once you realize how much suffering an avoidant is in and you start to see past the bull shit facade you learn to think "I'm glad I didn't get stuck with this!"... in other words the "what if" thoughts start to lose value and realism. The best way I think to start is honestly seeing someone else who isn't avoidant and even if nothing comes of it, you'll realize how much suffering your avoidant is in comparison to a non-avoidant. When I did that it helped me find more clarity and made me realize what I was blinding myself too and unfairly accepting.

Hope this helps, let know if I missed anything... I'm on work travel and my brain is sorta tired haha.

We speak almost daily and I see her often. In her case she just prefers that I reach out to her first because she gets anxiety when she feels it's up to her. I'm ok with that and something strange started to happen... she'd actually reach out to me and say hi to me first in text or phone call! I can't gurantee that your ex will respond in the same manner and it's a bit of a challenge sometimes because her feelings and mine can get a little caught up but we are both good at getting back to reality. If you feel you can handle it, give it a try. What's the worst than can happen? He pulls away (as if that'll be a huge surprise ). In my case, she's kind of stopped pulling away like she used to because I'll basically call her and leave a voice mail saying "your being an avoidant asshole right now, there's no need for that, I just wanted to know if you wanted to get lunch!" ... then I'll hear from her shortly after and usually she will laugh or even apologize depending on her avoidant mood at the moment and how well her avoidant coping mechanism are working for her that day.

My FA ex is/was always complaining about being lonely and how he doesn't fit in. At the same time he has pushed me away countless times and has done the same with friends, although he has a few long-standing friendships. It's really frustrating because he doesn't see to be able to see that the pushing away and the loneliness are two sides of the same coin. He is very good at superficial friendships and makes those easily, but can't carry it through to anything deeper. He has come up with all sorts of reasons why we can't be together, but that's another story!

Becky that sounds just like my situation and you sound like me - lots of supportive friends and pretty secure, that's what makes it so difficult to relate to someone who doesn't have this and as you say, not take it personally. I would love my FA to stay in my life (we were together on and off for about a year) but he has a lot to work on. Most recently he said we would only be able to be friends once I had met someone else, he felt he wouldn't be able to control himself around me otherwise. He also said he loved me but that we were over! Lots of contraditions there. He is also convinced I have told our mutual friends he is 'bad', which isn't true. My FA has taken it upon himself to work on 'his stuff' but he is doing this without any therapy/counselling so I'm not convinced he will manage it (he has had counselling before, a few years before we met). Good luck and I hope things work out okay for you.

Good for you pkidza for getting help. Also, thank you for being vulnerable enough to share. This helps so much, just to have a little bit of insight.

I am sorry you feel so lonely. I wish there was something we could do. Just take comfort in the fact that you recognize it, and are willing to do something about it. I can't imagine how difficult it is.

May I ask, what keeps you from vetting close? Fear of abondmeent? Fear of pain? Fear of being taken over?