Post by Betty on Aug 31, 2017 13:42:16 GMT
Good for you pkidza for getting help. Also, thank you for being vulnerable enough to share. This helps so much, just to have a little bit of insight.
I am sorry you feel so lonely. I wish there was something we could do. Just take comfort in the fact that you recognize it, and are willing to do something about it. I can't imagine how difficult it is.
May I ask, what keeps you from vetting close? Fear of abondmeent? Fear of pain? Fear of being taken over?
I feel smothered and really emotionally claustrophobic if that makes sense? I feel like I am trapped and hemmed in and I need to escape. Like I can't breathe.
I also fear that if someone sees the real me they will cruelly reject me. I feel exposed, like a person standing on the edge of a cliff in the middle of a storm. I believe that I am not worthy of love and that I am "bad" or not good enough and that if somebody sees who I really am they will be disgusted and reject me.
Don't know if that makes sense?
One woman who fell in love with me basically said that a woman is attracted to my mask and then falls in love with the real me when they get to know me. Really perceptive and true. But then I run...
Yes, it does make sense. Everybody is worthy of love. But of course, these are deeply rooted things that cannot be fixed by logic or words.
Thank you for explaining that to me. It helps alot. I have to walk away from my FA, even tho it kills me. But he won't seek help, he won't do anything to grow, and I find myself falling over backwards to show him how much i see and love him. Sometimes it allows us to get close, but then he just backs off and runs again. It's the most heartbreaking situation I have ever been in.
As long as it continues, there is no way we could have a healthy or true connection.
Thanks again, it helps to hear what your experience is like. I see the same thing in my FA.
I hope you are seeking help, for the sake of a beautiful future with someone. You deserve it.