|
|
Post by abowlfullofsun on Oct 28, 2019 14:30:09 GMT
Hi, I'm new to the forum.
Really I'm looking for advice. I'm becoming increasingly frustrated and despondent because as an anxiously attached individual I keep meeting avoidants.
I'm been dating for over a year now. I've dated at least ten guys and eight of them have been avoidant. One was obviously anxious like myself. The one guy who I felt might be secure had a lot of stuff that I was not willing to live with, one of the reasons being he was a heavy smoker, and another being that he still live with his ex wife as they both care for a mentally ill teenager.
I'm dating another great guy, we've got to know each other slowly over the last two months but he is very obviously avoidant. So far things have been good for him because I've been able to give him the space he needs as I didn't have strong feelings for him. Now I'm starting to develop stronger feelings and I can feel my anxious tendencies start to well up inside me.
We were messaging last night and having quite a deep discussion and he asked me a question about sexual needs in a relationship. I fell asleep so didn't reply until a few hours later. I sent my message 14 hours ago and he still hasn't read it. I know he's been online because he viewed my Instagram story. My anxiety levels are rising every hour he doesn't read it. Logically I know he will eventually get round to reading it, I know he is busy at work and he might just need some time to think about his response.
I'm just tired of feeling this way. I wish I could meet someone secure - there just doesn't seem to be any securely attached singletons about. I really do feel that my anxiety in relationships is very high and I don't think I am ever going to be happy in a relationship with an avoidant but I really want a relationship.
Is it time for me to take a break from dating? Or should I keep searching just in case a rare secure man shows up? I feel like throwing in the towel right now and just be single forever.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2019 15:20:24 GMT
Hi, I'm new to the forum. Really I'm looking for advice. I'm becoming increasingly frustrated and despondent because as an anxiously attached individual I keep meeting avoidants. I'm been dating for over a year now. I've dated at least ten guys and eight of them have been avoidant. One was obviously anxious like myself. The one guy who I felt might be secure had a lot of stuff that I was not willing to live with, one of the reasons being he was a heavy smoker, and another being that he still live with his ex wife as they both care for a mentally ill teenager. I'm dating another great guy, we've got to know each other slowly over the last two months but he is very obviously avoidant. So far things have been good for him because I've been able to give him the space he needs as I didn't have strong feelings for him. Now I'm starting to develop stronger feelings and I can feel my anxious tendencies start to well up inside me. We were messaging last night and having quite a deep discussion and he asked me a question about sexual needs in a relationship. I fell asleep so didn't reply until a few hours later. I sent my message 14 hours ago and he still hasn't read it. I know he's been online because he viewed my Instagram story. My anxiety levels are rising every hour he doesn't read it. Logically I know he will eventually get round to reading it, I know he is busy at work and he might just need some time to think about his response. I'm just tired of feeling this way. I wish I could meet someone secure - there just doesn't seem to be any securely attached singletons about. I really do feel that my anxiety in relationships is very high and I don't think I am ever going to be happy in a relationship with an avoidant but I really want a relationship. Is it time for me to take a break from dating? Or should I keep searching just in case a rare secure man shows up? I feel like throwing in the towel right now and just be single forever. Have you tried therapy for your anxiety? If you get anxious you will be less likely to make good decisions based on compatibility and stability, you'll be driven by anxiety. And, if you notice that someone is avoidant (or so it seems to you) stop engaging, don't keep going and allow yourself to develop feelings for someone who isn't good out of the gate. The overwhelming desire for a relationship , which can lead you into any old relationship, even a bad one, could be addressed with a therapist. It's normal to want a relationship but to have a healthy one you need to address any blockage in yourself, and prioritize your own personal mental and emotional health over dating and relationships. Maybe take a break, invest in yourself, and come back with a fresh perspective, solid boundaries and healthy dating awareness, and a strong sense of what you want and what it takes to accomplish it. Good luck! |
|
kelly
New Member
Posts: 47
|
Post by kelly on Oct 28, 2019 15:24:42 GMT
Perhaps some work on your part to become more secure is the best advice here. While dating a secure person is obviously a good choice for you, they too, will not always reply and respond in a time frame that will keep you feeling good all the time. I don’t think dating a secure is the answer to all of your anxiety. If therapy is an option, it would probably help more than anything.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2019 18:55:45 GMT
Hi and welcome to the forum.
I would advise you to take a step back and work on yourself before dating anyone.
I was an AP now almost secure attachment style. My ex was a Dismissive Avoidant. We seriously triggered each other and the cycle became one never ending toxic one. I had to cut him out of my life in order for me to heal and get better. So I took control and responsibility for my own attachment style. I am more aware of my attachment style and now in therapy for my own issues.
The whole experience has been an eye opener and I'm starting to make huge progress in my life.
Both behaviours in this cycle is toxic. Unless both people make changes and seek help in their lives - no matter what relationship you enter, your issues will follow and most likely will sabotage the relationship. I am beginning to lean towards a two sided healthy relationships with people.
Now I am single, I am using this opportunity to get better and healthy. I refuse to enter any new relationship unless I have worked on my own issues for myself.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Oct 28, 2019 23:32:40 GMT
If you’re meeting avoidant, anxious or any person who has undesirable habits or traits regardless of their attachment style, you should disengage as soon as possible BEFORE you get attached. Also, I’d suggest working on your own anxious attachment style. Otherwise you could meet a wonderful person you’re really into and you sabotage it with your anxiety. The anxiety will increase as the closeness increases, as you know. Good luck- Im also working on my own AP attachment so I’m right there with you.
|
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Oct 30, 2019 12:12:05 GMT
Youve already received some feed back on your anxiousness so I'll say this.
Dating sites are filled with avoidant/insecure attached. And way more into casual/hookup culture. I personally avoid them.
I take myself out once a week and have a hobby I can meet people at. I try to actively do things with people around. I could try even harder but Im ok alone and my time will come when the time is right.
I just had a man try to pick me up at the gas station in line behind me so you never know where you would meet someone! LOL He was so not my type but things like this happen.
I have had a couple of short stints on site years back and nada. I lasted no more than two months because I just dont like it and felt it was an energy suck/distraction from my life. The messages, the checking, the surfing, the alerts, idiot messages, etc. To add, most profiles I read screamed red flags out of the gate. You could read the baggage of their dating life in the profile.
Anyone Ive entered a relationship with I met at random.
|
|
