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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2019 13:00:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2019 3:17:43 GMT
yes. so I did notice a pattern with me before, that I would say things like "i've been hurt before, and i'm taking a risk with you, so please don't hurt me" (and hear other people say it as well), and it makes no sense any more to do that. I'd did that because I wanted to communicate my risks as well as hope the other person is warned in advance and will not do it. Of course, the other party is usually someone who says "sure I wouldn't" and then do exactly that. I stopped doing that - I just state it as is, and then move on when it's not met. I've been told it's very harsh and that the other person does not have information to make their choices, but I think it's pretty silly because healthy relationships will evolve mutual understanding of each other and strive to avoid hurtful behavior such that those kind of statements are unnecessary in the first place.
She sums it up perfectly: “My boundaries are up for negotiation. In fact, they’re not really my boundaries and I’m not entirely sure I believe in them. I just want you to see my point of view, to change, to make me the exception. Don’t leave me.” and "Particularly for women, who often suffer with Women Who Talk and Think Too Much syndrome, you’ve got to stop the explaining, justifying and talking the nth degree out of your boundaries because if they’re really your boundaries, you wouldn’t be there or you’d be doing something."
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2019 13:47:48 GMT
yes. so I did notice a pattern with me before, that I would say things like "i've been hurt before, and i'm taking a risk with you, so please don't hurt me" (and hear other people say it as well), and it makes no sense any more to do that. I'd did that because I wanted to communicate my risks as well as hope the other person is warned in advance and will not do it. Of course, the other party is usually someone who says "sure I wouldn't" and then do exactly that. I stopped doing that - I just state it as is, and then move on when it's not met. I've been told it's very harsh and that the other person does not have information to make their choices, but I think it's pretty silly because healthy relationships will evolve mutual understanding of each other and strive to avoid hurtful behavior such that those kind of statements are unnecessary in the first place. She sums it up perfectly: “My boundaries are up for negotiation. In fact, they’re not really my boundaries and I’m not entirely sure I believe in them. I just want you to see my point of view, to change, to make me the exception. Don’t leave me.” and "Particularly for women, who often suffer with Women Who Talk and Think Too Much syndrome, you’ve got to stop the explaining, justifying and talking the nth degree out of your boundaries because if they’re really your boundaries, you wouldn’t be there or you’d be doing something." I like how she approaches all of this as well. She does lay it out pretty straight and I find that refreshing. And, I get what you're saying above. It's like, ok.... I recognize where I've been hiding, and emotionally inauthentic. Let me grow by being emotionally authentic, and vulnerable." Its a step in the stages of emotional development and security. However, along the way, negative experiences with it have shown me that I needed to learn the difference between someone with cognitive empathy and compassionate empathy. A person with cognitive empathy will take all that information and know how to manipulate it to get what they are seeking out of the transaction. A person with emotional empathy have an entirely different way of being with that. My history is rooted in a profound lack of empathy for me, for my siblings. In the absence of outright cruelty like physical abuse, it has been hard to detect the lack of empathy simply because I was not conditioned to be able to know, feel, and be safe in true nurturing care. It's taken a process of emotional growth and healing to recognize and develop emotionally healthy and reciprocal relationships. Now that I have, I can feel the difference when someone is transactional. These days, fundamental boundaries like those listed are a no brainer. It doesn't even come up. Some of it seems silly to me now, not in a shaming way but "OMG THATS SO BASIC!!" It's sad that I missed it but it doesn't sting me, I just am glad to know now. It's pain that has passed and it doesn't haunt me, like childbirth. It's just part of life. We grow and move on. Ive encountered a lot of boundary violating behaviors in relationship with other insecurely attached people. It's all dysfunctional, without boundaries, blind and destructive. Anyone on the merry go round with an insecure- be that AP, FA,DA... their own weight is contributing to the spin. Lots of people deny that. But they learn eventually and stop pointing at the person on the merry go round across from them. Great stuff! |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2019 0:28:53 GMT
lol, like childbirth!!
yes, you're right. cognitive and emotional empathy. I must say that before my current partner, I had a FWB who was like the most emotionally sweet person i've ever met, and that was the first time I actually felt heard and seen with someone who takes the hurt i talk about as is, and is careful with it. when "situations" come up or can potentially come up, he would address it carefully with consideration for my triggers.
You're so right that the fundamental boundaries listed are a no-brainer NOW, but they were not things I had inherently and emotionally understood and executed before. I cognitively understood them and held them in my brain, but it was not embodied in me. Values that are embodied are silently enacted, not rehashed again and again like a weapon of words.
while I have encountered a lot of boundary violating behaviors from others, I think what really made a change in me is seeing how I have violated others' boundaries as well. the second step was seeing that violations are independent - what I do is independent from what they do, and I can control my own behaviors as well as my reactions to others' actions. This is NOT to say that other people are blameless, just a recognition that while they have their responsibilities, so do I have responsibilities for myself in how I choose to protect myself. These two "pieces" made a huge difference in my journey towards healing.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2019 2:08:00 GMT
Agree to all!
My divorce was very tough, because of the extremely aggressive nature of the person I was leaving. It turned out to be a really neat experience of learning that no matter how dirty he fought, I chose dignity instead. It felt good to galvanize who I want to be, how I want to behave, what actions I want to reap the rewards of instead of incur guilt or regret. I didn't make his behavior an excuse to return the same in kind.
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