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Post by gaynxious on Jul 28, 2017 19:49:39 GMT
So my DA ex and I have been split for about 10 months now. We had a rocky time dealing with each other in the begging, I would text him about divorce stuff or practical matters and he would take days to respond or not respond at all. We ran into each other at a party and he offered to talk about 'things', I assumed he meant the divorce and such. I was drunk and not ready to talk so I said no and walked away. I arranged to meet with him and we discussed some practical issues and I laid out my boundaries to him. If he could not consistently respond to my texts in a reasonable time frame I was not going to make an effort to do the same or to talk with him when he wanted to talk. I think I had to repeat this a few times over the next few months as he would not respond and then he would text me about something he wanted to take care of. When we met to discuss the filling of our divorce papers I admit I was cold and distant, he had the wrong paperwork and I just got up and left. He seemed put off but I said there was no point in staying since we couldn't get anything done. After two weeks I sent a long text saying we needed to get the divorce done and over with but that I refused to do it all myself. No response. For about three months now we have not communicated, when we run into each other we ignore each other and keep a wide distance between us. I finally made a comment on a Facebook post of his, nothing bitchy or overly friendly. He responded. We were at the same party, a sex party, a few days later and while I am talking to some of my friends he suddenly comes up to me after we had been ignoring each other and asks if we can talk. I slightly lost it. I told him we could talk when he gets the divorce papers and not before and that this was not the time or the place.
What I don't get is why does he keep engaging at the most inopportune times? He has my number, my email, and my Facebook. I don't know how further to set my boundaries, I don't intend to talk when he wants to talk if he won't do the same. And quite frankly, I prefer the hostile situation to anything more friendly. I feel unsafe when he is around, he fills me with rage. I don't want to talk to him. I want to have this wide buffer zone between us. I don't want to be his friend anymore and I don't see the need for us to talk ever again once the divorce is finally over and done with. Is there a way to keep the status quo for the foreseeable future?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2017 22:45:54 GMT
Hi,
As an anxious, is it possible that despite your protests to the contrary, there is still a part of you that enjoys that this situation is still in flux and gives you an excuse to contact and be contacted by your ex?
His behaviour as you move through the stages of your separation and divorce are not at all surprising. I'm not sure why you are trying to negotiate or elicit secure behaviour from him.
Depending on your financial situation - as I realize sometimes these things can be a barrier - I would just hire/or have your lawyer deal directly with your ex. There is absolutely no need for you to be in contact with him about divorce or practical matters if you go this route.
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Post by gaynxious on Aug 2, 2017 1:24:39 GMT
Possible, although I certainly do not want him to contact me at the time and place he does. My ultimatums have basically said either communicate securely or not at all. So I don't understand why he just doesn't decide to not communicate at all.
I'm curious how his behavior seems typical. I would think an avoidant would just not approach their ex and ask to talk. I would think it would be an anxious that would request to talk.
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Post by cricket on Aug 2, 2017 5:18:04 GMT
Maybe he is engaging at those times about that topic because he knows its a safe place to do it. Meaning there is a high chance you wont want to or if you do it cant get too deep or messy given where you guys are. He's still able to avoid it.
Sorry you are going thru this. It shall pass.
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Post by gaynxious on Aug 2, 2017 6:25:17 GMT
It has occurred to me he may do it because he knows if we fight or create a scene I'm the one that will be banned from the events in the future as he is the hotter and more desired one. He's not typically cruel or manipulative but part of me wonders if he wants to instigate something to make me look like the crazy one and possibly get me banned so that he enjoys the events more with my absence. But that could be anxious paranoia.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2017 22:31:00 GMT
I'm going to go with cricket on this one, more likely that he just doesn't want to have to have conversations that go to emotional depths. Approaching you in a public place would create a buffer for a rather awkward conversation. It seems like he has no choice but to address/approach you at least in some way, because there are still things to work out.
If he's not particularly cruel or manipulative, I just can't see him making a scene on purpose for the scenario you've created above.
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Post by aisling on Aug 2, 2017 23:16:03 GMT
I'm with cricket on this one as well. I think you may be searching for signs of him still being attached, gaynxious, and assigning undue meaning on his actions-no judgement on that, of course. I can't imagine how hurtful and emotionally draining this whole experience must be; his detachment and disregard for your feelings during this just isn't ok. Stay strong in your resolve!
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Post by gaynxious on Aug 3, 2017 21:23:14 GMT
I certainly don't think he wants to get back together or anything I just don't want to be approached when I am trying to enjoy myself as talking to him ruins my time. I want to meet with him to get the divorce worked out and that is all.
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Post by aisling on Aug 3, 2017 22:28:57 GMT
Can you go meet with a mediator then? Would he commit to that? It seems like he's evading responsibility and won't easily be swayed to get the divorce stuff over with, and none of us can guess exactly why he's doing that/what his underlying motivations are. Maybe it's moot.
Since you can't technically force him, a safe third party might be the way to go-then you can get this over with and move on with your life. I don't know if anyone has told you lately, but way to freaking go for getting this far in the process and trying to move forward.
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