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Post by boomerang on Nov 3, 2019 16:19:10 GMT
I am struggling with logic vs. my triggered self.
I started dating a guy just before I moved far away. We only met a few times. I thought it was done as he canceled our plans the last few times before I left, but then (after I'd left), he said he wanted the relationship to continue. I am over the top attracted to him, so I agreed. All summer we were on this track and talked about getting together in the fall when he, himself, was back from extended travel for work. We agreed not to see other people, and I didn't.
But then around mid September, a few weeks before the end of his travels, he started to drop off. If I text him every so often he always responds instantly, but he no longer initiates. I offered to fly to meet him halfway over Columbus Day, but he said the timing wasn't good. So, two weeks ago I told him it was OK with me if he wanted to see other people since we were not in the same place (with no prospect of being in the same place anytime in the next year or two). He had nothing to say about that, but I see he is back on the dating app I met him on as of a few days ago. Meanwhile, in our sole text conversation since I told him it was OK to see others, I asked about meeting over Xmas, which is the only time will have have time off, but nothing concrete. He says he will check if has free time then and discuss details with me later, but really not sure if he is really saying yes or really saying no.
Of course, I see the writing on the wall. LDR is hard for anyone, we only met a few times, so this is all natural and to be expected. I KNOW this. And, I told him it was OK if he saw others. But I Cannot Let Go. I get upset thinking about him, but can't stop it. It's insanity. I just want to see him. As an AP, flagging interest activates me more than anything. So, there is a major disconnect between my objective and rational mind and my emotional reactions. I don't hound him, I text him every 10 days or so, and I am just so sad and anxious that he is not reaching out to me anymore. This is what I really need to learn to manage. I don't know how. N/C wouldn't do it as its not like I need to cut him off when he is drifting away. If I deleted him from my contacts and blocked him, it will not stop this, as there are other ways I know I can get in touch with him. Anyway, bottom line is I'm doing it all to myself in my mind. I just want to at least see him to get this out of my system, but I can't force him. But, despite knowing this is pretty much done for him and all the many logical reasons this cannot work, I am totally obsessing.
I really need to learn how to let go of people I really want when they are not interested, but how?
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 3, 2019 17:34:37 GMT
I am struggling with logic vs. my triggered self.
I started dating a guy just before I moved far away. We only met a few times. I thought it was done as he canceled our plans the last few times before I left, but then (after I'd left), he said he wanted the relationship to continue. I am over the top attracted to him, so I agreed. All summer we were on this track and talked about getting together in the fall when he, himself, was back from extended travel for work. We agreed not to see other people, and I didn't.
But then around mid September, a few weeks before the end of his travels, he started to drop off. If I text him every so often he always responds instantly, but he no longer initiates. I offered to fly to meet him halfway over Columbus Day, but he said the timing wasn't good. So, two weeks ago I told him it was OK with me if he wanted to see other people since we were not in the same place (with no prospect of being in the same place anytime in the next year or two). He had nothing to say about that, but I see he is back on the dating app I met him on as of a few days ago. Meanwhile, in our sole text conversation since I told him it was OK to see others, I asked about meeting over Xmas, which is the only time will have have time off, but nothing concrete. He says he will check if has free time then and discuss details with me later, but really not sure if he is really saying yes or really saying no.
Of course, I see the writing on the wall. LDR is hard for anyone, we only met a few times, so this is all natural and to be expected. I KNOW this. And, I told him it was OK if he saw others. But I Cannot Let Go. I get upset thinking about him, but can't stop it. It's insanity. I just want to see him. As an AP, flagging interest activates me more than anything. So, there is a major disconnect between my objective and rational mind and my emotional reactions. I don't hound him, I text him every 10 days or so, and I am just so sad and anxious that he is not reaching out to me anymore. This is what I really need to learn to manage. I don't know how. N/C wouldn't do it as its not like I need to cut him off when he is drifting away. If I deleted him from my contacts and blocked him, it will not stop this, as there are other ways I know I can get in touch with him. Anyway, bottom line is I'm doing it all to myself in my mind. I just want to at least see him to get this out of my system, but I can't force him. But, despite knowing this is pretty much done for him and all the many logical reasons this cannot work, I am totally obsessing.
I really need to learn how to let go of people I really want when they are not interested, but how?
Honestly....I would recommend seeing an SE therapist. Please remove the crazy label from yourself and your emotions...there are reasons you feel extremely drawn to this man and are resistant to letting him go...be curious, be welcoming....feelings are there to tell us something...what is behind the feelings? See if you can pull back the curtain a bit. Also....what sensations do you feel in your body when you think about letting him go? Do you feel tightness? Stomach issues? Honestly....you are doing great just seeing the disconnect...now you can be kind to yourself as you unravel what your body and emotions are trying to say. |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 3, 2019 18:00:59 GMT
boomerang, deep down the obsession isn't really about him. It's about things you need that you don't know how to provide for yourself, and the projection that he can do it for you because he temporarily quells your anxiety. While you should see a therapist to start dealing with whatever caused this to happen when you were younger and heal it, in the meantime it's more constructive for you to focus inward and build up your own sense of self-esteem and self-acceptance (to tnr9's point, stop this negative narrative about yourself being crazy), because that's what's going to actually relieve that anxiety in the longer-term. Also, this part should really not be the takeaway from my post, but any chance he's married or already in another relationship? If you just met a few times, he already knew you were moving, and you haven't seen him since you left... he's never been available from the start. If you want a takeaway from this part, it's that he doesn't even actually know you so his behavior has very little to do with you and everything to do with whatever is going on in his life and his attachment. If he was secure and mature, he wouldn't just slow fade.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2019 18:43:35 GMT
SE Therapy isn't talk therapy that unpacks childhood or historical traumas to figure them out. It deals directly with the anxiety in the nervous system, incomplete self protective responses that cause reactive behaviors. When in anxiety, or shutdown, either one- cognitive thought is offline, rational thought that could aid in real self-protection is not prevailing in a fight, flight, or freeze response.
Take care of the unresolved nervous system response (That is what Peter Levine does with Somatic Experiencing, based on all his research of the nervous system) and you free the rational mind to operate in a more effective and integrated way.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2019 18:44:18 GMT
Regulating the nervous system can help change the narrative.
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Post by serenity on Nov 3, 2019 22:18:16 GMT
I am struggling with logic vs. my triggered self. I don't know how. N/C wouldn't do it as its not like I need to cut him off when he is drifting away. If I deleted him from my contacts and blocked him, it will not stop this, as there are other ways I know I can get in touch with him. Anyway, bottom line is I'm doing it all to myself in my mind. I just want to at least see him to get this out of my system, but I can't force him. But, despite knowing this is pretty much done for him and all the many logical reasons this cannot work, I am totally obsessing.
I really need to learn how to let go of people I really want when they are not interested, but how?
No Contact and stopping yourself from reaching out will absolutely help. You can control your behaviour. |
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