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Post by dhali on Nov 6, 2019 0:00:05 GMT
"Please tell me why you text me nice things and then disappear and ignore me if I reply in kind, or ask to see you. I would appreciate the kindness of a reply very much. Sincerely, Caroline. " Well written. And so if she gets no/not a great response? Based on my 1 experience, and the ramblings of this board, FA’s are so cowardly, they’d rather ignore any source of conflict. What then? |
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Post by mrob on Nov 6, 2019 0:40:01 GMT
Cowardice. Of course. That’s what it is.....
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Post by dhali on Nov 6, 2019 1:12:06 GMT
Avoiding conflict may be the better phrase, over cowardly. Though, to me the two seem the same.
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 6, 2019 2:56:43 GMT
Based on my 1 experience, and the ramblings of this board, FA’s are so cowardly, they’d rather ignore any source of conflict. What then? Now now, we are fearful for a reason, "cowardly" has an insulting connotation. I was abused as a child, like many of us, tell me fear isn't a normal reaction to the person who is supposed to love and care for you hitting you and yelling insults at you all the time. Tell me you wouldn't be scared of conflict after going through that. Now if someone is too fearful to even reply to a gentle text or meet in person, they are simply not able to meet her needs and not suitable for a relationship and there is still information in their silence. |
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 6, 2019 3:21:40 GMT
And then you start to wonder, why is anyone drawn to being in a relationship with a coward? Was it bait and switch? Is that unintentional? For me, it's because I see something in him beyond these communication and avoidance issues. He's a good person, we can connect on a deeper level (I've seen it and this is rare for me with people), our values and lifestyles are compatible, there's mutual attraction, kindness, etc, etc. I won't bore you all with the list haha. I see him as someone who never really learned the positives of love, and wasn't treated well most of his life (maybe some due to his own avoidance/these things etc) and is scared and has a hard time trusting. My gut feeling is he's trying to express his feelings, but it's so hard for him. I appreciate him trying, and I'm not mad, I'm just trying to figure out how I do my part in this, stay true to myself, etc as I mentioned in OP. If he was sitting here saying things just to get me in bed or not saying any of his feelings as all after all this distance after conflict, I wouldn't see him in the same light and I wouldn't want to be involved. I've had several guys just try to linger for sexual reasons only, this is totally different behavior than those. I also feel deserving of good love (I didn't my whole life but through therapy / work do now), so it's not just that I don't feel like I don't deserve it. Maybe this is "wrong" or "weak" — but that's how I feel. It's a constant feeling too, not just one when I'm triggered or anxious. Compassion and boundaries are not mutually exclusive. Having feelings for someone and caring about them doesn't mean they are a good relationship choice, or that you are entitled to anything from them. Staying true to yourself means identifying what you truly want, TRULY believing you deserve it and that it's out there, and letting go of people who are not able to even come close to meeting your needs. Not getting stuck on perceived potential or on the distant past. I don't want to be insensitive and hurt you, I totally understand how hard it is, but to an outside observer it seems heartbreakingly obvious that this guy is simply not emotionally available for anything close to what you want and deserve, and he is not likely to be anytime soon. Try being direct with him just so you know you tried, then if that gets you nowhere let him go, move on, and either relegate him to pen pal status or stop communicating with him entirely for a long while if the former is impossible for you to do emotionally without holding onto hope that it could become something more. We don't always have to act on our feelings, they are just feelings. You can even tell yourself maybe it's just not the right time and if it's really meant to be with him he will re-enter your life at a later date. But don't wait around. caro What conflict has there been? At the end of August, we were texting while he was out of town, and he opened up about a very triggering situation for him and one that seemed to point to some trauma that I had already thought he might have. At the end of that conversation, I said something that wasn't worded well, and I think just made him not trust me, think I didn't get him or it, and show that I might reject him because he told me all of that. Right before I said that, he had thanked me for being there and a good listener and was like talk to you later, goodnight. Then he ignored my two texts for ~2ish weeks. Simple texts, like how are you, heard about what happened with your company and then a general one like how was your trip back. Mid-Sept I texted an apology. He responded within an hour and said he was out of the country for work. I knew he was going there but didn't know what exact dates. His answers were super short so I felt he didn't want to talk and it was middle of work day there, so I was like ok he'll text when he gets back if he wants. Which he did, and that's what I documented early re: Oct texts. This sounds like so much over-analyzing, which I am very prone to do too. You assume you must have made a comment that may have been interpreted poorly and was triggering because you have thought and thought about what you did wrong, how you caused his ghosting. That is hardly a "conflict." I thought you meant you'd had some fights. |
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Post by iz42 on Nov 6, 2019 3:34:09 GMT
caro , have you watched this video about Breadcrumbing that was posted on the general forum? www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUUOcQZEcmw It's probably already been mentioned in this thread, but it's really helpful. He's basically suggesting what happyidiot said above and he gives very clear steps for how to do it.
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 6, 2019 3:54:32 GMT
Im glad some of you are watching that video. It deeper than just breadcrumbing.
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jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
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Post by jules on Nov 6, 2019 10:24:49 GMT
Im glad some of you are watching that video. It deeper than just breadcrumbing. It's a really good video. Thank you!! |
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Post by dhali on Nov 7, 2019 17:52:50 GMT
Based on my 1 experience, and the ramblings of this board, FA’s are so cowardly, they’d rather ignore any source of conflict. What then? Now now, we are fearful for a reason, "cowardly" has an insulting connotation. I was abused as a child, like many of us, tell me fear isn't a normal reaction to the person who is supposed to love and care for you hitting you and yelling insults at you all the time. Tell me you wouldn't be scared of conflict after going through that. Now if someone is too fearful to even reply to a gentle text or meet in person, they are simply not able to meet her needs and not suitable for a relationship and there is still information in their silence. I know the feeling well. I grew up severely abused by a narcissist father. As a child, physically and emotionally. As a teen, I got some pretty heavy emotional abuse. By the time I was 14, I was developing my escape plan, which I was able to take advantage of in one form or another by the time I was 17. By the time I was 30, my family stopped being a thing in my life. So yes, I am scared of conflict. Yes, I'm a coward. Yes, I face up to the things I need to face up to. Maybe I'm a bit different, because there were times where I stood up to my father just to take the beating because I knew I was right, and f- the gaslighting. I don't know if that's courage or stupidity, but I saw it as being true to myself. I did all this before I knew my attachment type. Before I understood that being abused wasn't normal (I used to justify my father's actions). It's difficult. I realized that my EQ was for shit. As a human on earth, it's my job to focus on improving these things. If my EQ is for shit, then Im the only one who can fix that. So, this comes to "cowards" who don't do the work. I'll admit I'm a coward. But no one I enter a relationship with ever sees that. Dating is another story. I've done throw away texts to end things there - because I'm cowardly. I justify it by saying to myself - it was only 3-4 dates, I don't owe them anything (I don't sleep around anymore). |
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Post by dhali on Nov 7, 2019 19:18:37 GMT
Yup. And it's good to remember “How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves.”
My father must really hate himself.
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