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Post by iz42 on Nov 4, 2019 23:39:50 GMT
Personally, I think breaking the cycle in this situation would involve being more direct with him about what you'd like out of the relationship. Something like "I'd really like to see you, but it seems like you're not ready for that right now. Is that true?" That may scare him away, but wow, this just sounds really painful. You can only respond with "chill" and "minimal" texts for so long before you're kind of betraying yourself. I get that you're trying to avoid protest behavior but it doesn't sound like this level of contact is working for you and it's reasonable for you to say that.
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 5, 2019 5:00:45 GMT
caro Personally I've been really thinking lately that the best way to deal with not getting direct communication from someone and them acting from a fear-based place, is to practice direct communication and not acting out of fear yourself. If you being gentle and kind yet direct and unafraid scares someone away, that is their problem, what can you hope for from someone that is that terrified to speak with you or see you? At least if you are direct you will get an answer. Even if that answer is total silence, that is an answer right there. This is not a game where if you are just patient enough and indirect enough he will eventually feel safe and crack himself open. I know from experience. You being scared is not helping. I really don't think he is going to come around and make the first move. He seems ok with being pen pals. I like iz42 's suggestion a lot. Do you not want to try something like that because you are afraid that you won't get the answer you hope for and so you'd rather live in a limbo of wishful thinking, where you can still imagine that with time he might change? Because that has been my motivation in the past when I was scared to be direct with someone who was being ghosty or not wanting to meet up.
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 5, 2019 6:30:50 GMT
caro I still don't really think it's direct enough, it doesn't ask a question, and it's all about how you feel and what you want, rather than determining what he wants/is capable of. Do you mean that he has texted you a total of 4 times in the last month? Or that those are the times he's texted you first (which, in that case, I don't think a reply to you counts as)? This is painful just to read, I can imagine how it feels to experience it. It is like pulling teeth, trying to get the slightest bit of communication out of him, with him giving the tiniest crumbs once in a blue moon, just enough to keep you hoping. What are you getting out of this? What do you like about this? I am curious, these are not meant as rhetorical questions.
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 5, 2019 6:59:03 GMT
caro What conflict has there been?
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Post by iz42 on Nov 5, 2019 7:13:10 GMT
Not glossing over it could be something like saying “hey is everything ok? I wasn’t sure what was going on when I didn’t hear back from you.” He may have a lot going on, but he’s not doing a good job of communicating with you about what he’s dealing with and whether he wants to be in a relationship with you. He may eventually cycle back and give you more than breadcrumbs, but it seems like he’s giving you some clear messages about his inability to be in a stable relationship right now. And it sounds like it’s taking up a lot of your mental energy.
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 5, 2019 7:20:59 GMT
Also I wouldn't read anything into him watching your Instagram stories, many people just have an Instagram addiction and watch everyone's stories all the time. I know it's crazy-making to see that someone is watching your stories but not texting you, when you wish they were.
When you say you had many months of good dating, how often did you see each other? For some reason I thought you barely ever saw each other.
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Post by serenity on Nov 5, 2019 9:15:19 GMT
Maybe this is the million dollar question but... What happens when you haven’t broken up (whether because you weren’t officially together or if you are, no conversation was had), and the other person comes back. How do you do your part to break the cycle? Or at least grow in a positive direction? Example, in my case, my FA reached out last week with a totally off topic of my last text (2 weeks prior) but it was a text showing care for me. It was obvious to me from knowing him it was a lever or excuse to text and be back in touch without addressing my prior text saying can we skip to hanging out + the I’ve missed you thing. During this past 2 months of craziness — deactivation or him feeling rejected, or something else not totally sure — he's had two week periods of being MIA / not replying, then will come back with direct and kind words of interest. (Not in a lustful way or anything.) I've always responded and mostly showed I was still interested in a very chill, minimal text way. Last week, I replied and answered simply but that was all. And now nothing since but he's still viewing all of my IG stories. I don’t want to play games, I don’t want to be like “omg we have to talk right now,” but I don’t want to make it seem like it’s ok to ignore me and ghost me for 2 weeks esp after the prior month. I want to wait to have an adult conversation in person but I know saying “let’s talk” coming from me won’t go anywhere and asking to hang out seemed too much right now. I think the trust has to build back up. But I just don’t really know how to not play games, still show that I care, not reject him, have boundaries/respect for myself, and move fwd in a growing way. And yes, I'm still working hard on myself which is helping to not take it personal and grow, and I know the easy answer is just move on, but I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. Especially after I can tell he's trying to express himself. I really care about him. I would honestly be in a lot of pain too by now if I was in your situation Caroline  It does sound a lot like breadcrumbing at this point So possibly its going to more helpful to look for advice about breadcrumbing specifically? 8675309 posted a thread about this the other day, and the video has some good advice. I think one of his ideas was if someone breadcrumbs you and simply won't step up and spend time with you, then you could just make it clear you're moving on for now, and if they wish to date when they are available you'll consider it then (if you're still available). That seems like a fair way to manage your anxiety without closing the door completely. I think the main motivation behind breadcrumbing, unfortunately, is people like admirers. It boosts confidence, ego etc, so they will keep the `slightly flirtatious' connection going, without intending to take it further. If that's the case, and you have a lot of feelings for them, you owe it to yourself to call their bluff, by asking them directly for what you want exactly. It will be hard, but you'll know where he's at in short term at least. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2269/breadcrumbing |
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Nov 5, 2019 11:04:39 GMT
I think the main motivation behind breadcrumbing, unfortunately, is people like admirers. It boosts confidence, ego etc, so they will keep the `slightly flirtatious' connection going, without intending to take it further. If that's the case, and you have a lot of feelings for them, you owe it to yourself to call their bluff, by asking them directly for what you want exactly. It will be hard, but you'll know where he's at in short term at least. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2269/breadcrumbingThis! And loneliness. It doesn't seem to be the case in this story though, as I read it. Because he has texted he is attracted, that probably is very hard for him to do. I would have said something like this: "You have told me you are attracted, and so I am. I really wish we could get to know each other better, to see if we could be a good match. That is difficult if we don't meet in person. I sense that you have a problem with being close, is that a right observation? I can take it slow, and I like us both to be more relaxed in this setting. Let us find a way to meet that takes the pressure of. Just eat, talk and do something fun together. Whatever makes it more comfortable for you." |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 5, 2019 12:56:21 GMT
Just tell it like it is like an adult. he runs, he runs, its on him. I was always very open and direct with my FA even if it made him run. Being in limbo is maddening and Im not going to sacrifice myself over somebody elses issues. I wasn't seeking unhealthy things from him.
I got my answer when he ghosted and ran. You actually have your answer too.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2019 13:10:08 GMT
Just tell it like it is like an adult. he runs, he runs, its on him. I was always very open and direct with my FA even if it made him run. Being in limbo is maddening and Im not going to sacrifice myself over somebody elses issues. I wasn't seeking unhealthy things from him. I got my answer when he ghosted and ran. You actually have your answer too. My thoughts exactly. |
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Post by serenity on Nov 5, 2019 20:45:02 GMT
This! And loneliness. It doesn't seem to be the case in this story though, as I read it. Because he has texted he is attracted, that probably is very hard for him to do. I would have said something like this: "You have told me you are attracted, and so I am. I really wish we could get to know each other better, to see if we could be a good match. That is difficult if we don't meet in person. I sense that you have a problem with being close, is that a right observation? I can take it slow, and I like us both to be more relaxed in this setting. Let us find a way to meet that takes the pressure of. Just eat, talk and do something fun together. Whatever makes it more comfortable for you." I like that approach; its flexible, direct and it takes into account the other person's feelings. And if he doesn't reply or wriggles out of it, then its pretty clear the relationship is over for now. Ambiguity can be very hurtful |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 5, 2019 20:56:23 GMT
Not to be negative, as I think practicing your communication is really helpful and important, but your person ended things because he's working through depression and said he isn't able to be available to you or anyone else right now, correct? Which means it's not you and it's not about tweaking your communication. The bigger growth space here is accepting where he's at and asking why you are trying to further adjust the situation with someone who has shared what he can and can't give.
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Post by serenity on Nov 5, 2019 21:10:32 GMT
^^^ Alexandra, he never said that. Just went from a full-on happy relationship with Caroline to breadcrumbing for months.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 5, 2019 23:12:30 GMT
Ah ok, caro, sorry. Mixing up posts! |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2019 23:21:54 GMT
"Please tell me why you text me nice things and then disappear and ignore me if I reply in kind, or ask to see you. I would appreciate the kindness of a reply very much. Sincerely, Caroline. "
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