Post by lili on Nov 6, 2019 3:27:38 GMT
Hi all, I hope you can offer me your thoughts on my quandary. I need it 
I stumbled upon this thread shortly after my ex boyfriend and I broke up. After 9 months (long distance but just 2 hours away by plane), I made an emotional decision and decided that I was done. When we talked, he said that we did not have a problem, and I was meeting all of his needs ( I asked - how about MY needs? To which he could not give an answer). He said, everything was fine and that he was blindsided by the break up and that it was I who crumbled under the strain of the distance and that I "felt" too much, was too expressive, and has become needy and insecure. I am quite self aware, and while there was a hint of truth to what he said, I can discern that he drove me to those behaviors. I think the early stages of a relationship should be easy, and what we had, while peppered with many happy times, as it progressed, was also leaving me feeling unimportant, unheard, ignored, and in the end, devalued. I will not go into details, but while he was never "unkind", called/texted me everyday, got together with me every month, he did display textbook avoidant/inconsistent or narcissistic (gaslighting, invalidation, small devalues) behaviors. I felt that I needed to get out and was afraid that it would get worse if I stayed. I was happy and he seemed nice, but something felt continuously "off".
When we talked, and after he had been very nice and sweet, he surprised me and said he had doubts that we can work things out. This was a shock because he was acting like he wanted me back (although never once owed up to his part of the break up). He said we were arguing a lot and that I was pushing him away. Our arguments would be me typically expressing a need, or calling him out on some behavior, and him telling me I think too much (lawyer brain-he'd say), I am dramatic, emotional, sensitive. This he says in a "nice way", never agressive, but I felt invalidated nonetheless. I'd then doubt myself and would eventually apologise. It did not feel right! I have also caught him in some lies which he said he was forced to do, because he did not want us to fight.
After the break up, I never initiated contact. He has, however, texted 4 times, in one he said he missed me. I did not respond. He also tried to call twice, but not knowing what he wanted to say (and I guess I was not ready to talk as well), I did not pick them up. He has stopped trying and it has been more than a month since he last attempted contact, and almost three months since the break up.
I guess I am here because I am now struggling with this self-doubt. Could it be that I gave up too soon? This is more for me on a prospective sense because I do not want to repeat mistakes.
I hope those who have experience on this can tell me, if, in the event that your partner exhibits what you suspect are avoidant (some narcissistic traits), would it be better to, as I did, cut losses? or try to give it more effort and time? I was perplexed by his behavior and reacted to them as an uninformed person would. Now that I am missing him and the bad memories start to fade, I can't help but think that if I understood better what I was dealing with ( I only came upon attachment styles/narcissism (still in semi-denial about this) post break up, I would have been more resilient and we would have worked out. I definitely left when things were starting to go bad so I was left "unharmed" for the most part, but was afraid it was going to do downhill from there based on the behaviors that I observed.
Again, appreciate your feedback!
I stumbled upon this thread shortly after my ex boyfriend and I broke up. After 9 months (long distance but just 2 hours away by plane), I made an emotional decision and decided that I was done. When we talked, he said that we did not have a problem, and I was meeting all of his needs ( I asked - how about MY needs? To which he could not give an answer). He said, everything was fine and that he was blindsided by the break up and that it was I who crumbled under the strain of the distance and that I "felt" too much, was too expressive, and has become needy and insecure. I am quite self aware, and while there was a hint of truth to what he said, I can discern that he drove me to those behaviors. I think the early stages of a relationship should be easy, and what we had, while peppered with many happy times, as it progressed, was also leaving me feeling unimportant, unheard, ignored, and in the end, devalued. I will not go into details, but while he was never "unkind", called/texted me everyday, got together with me every month, he did display textbook avoidant/inconsistent or narcissistic (gaslighting, invalidation, small devalues) behaviors. I felt that I needed to get out and was afraid that it would get worse if I stayed. I was happy and he seemed nice, but something felt continuously "off".
When we talked, and after he had been very nice and sweet, he surprised me and said he had doubts that we can work things out. This was a shock because he was acting like he wanted me back (although never once owed up to his part of the break up). He said we were arguing a lot and that I was pushing him away. Our arguments would be me typically expressing a need, or calling him out on some behavior, and him telling me I think too much (lawyer brain-he'd say), I am dramatic, emotional, sensitive. This he says in a "nice way", never agressive, but I felt invalidated nonetheless. I'd then doubt myself and would eventually apologise. It did not feel right! I have also caught him in some lies which he said he was forced to do, because he did not want us to fight.
After the break up, I never initiated contact. He has, however, texted 4 times, in one he said he missed me. I did not respond. He also tried to call twice, but not knowing what he wanted to say (and I guess I was not ready to talk as well), I did not pick them up. He has stopped trying and it has been more than a month since he last attempted contact, and almost three months since the break up.
I guess I am here because I am now struggling with this self-doubt. Could it be that I gave up too soon? This is more for me on a prospective sense because I do not want to repeat mistakes.
I hope those who have experience on this can tell me, if, in the event that your partner exhibits what you suspect are avoidant (some narcissistic traits), would it be better to, as I did, cut losses? or try to give it more effort and time? I was perplexed by his behavior and reacted to them as an uninformed person would. Now that I am missing him and the bad memories start to fade, I can't help but think that if I understood better what I was dealing with ( I only came upon attachment styles/narcissism (still in semi-denial about this) post break up, I would have been more resilient and we would have worked out. I definitely left when things were starting to go bad so I was left "unharmed" for the most part, but was afraid it was going to do downhill from there based on the behaviors that I observed.
Again, appreciate your feedback!
