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Post by kittygirl on Nov 7, 2019 14:39:16 GMT
Stu-wow for whatever reason, that REALLY resonated with me-the analogy of your brothers drug use. Like not being able to help someone is so painful but at some point you HAVE to let it go when it becomes clear it's a Sisyphean task. This forum, with everyone's openness and ability to be vulnerable has helped me to see this in ways I simply would have been blind to had I tried to forge the path alone.
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jules
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Post by jules on Nov 7, 2019 15:38:27 GMT
As an alcoholic in recovery, I feel that this is very much akin to addiction. Nobody asked for this, and only the person afflicted can change it. And change just does not happen quickly. Only I could put down the drink. Only I could do the work involved to repair my malady.
It is brutal for all involved.
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 8, 2019 3:12:34 GMT
It was the only way I became and stayed married. I loved this woman, yet would find myself triggered at the slightest escalation. Before I knew of attachment theory, I just thought I was being crazy, cowardly, irrational and stupid, and I knew the only way to grow was to not be those things. So, I pushed myself. Placating isn’t the word, I don’t think. I almost said in my last post that no FA person could be in a relationship if they didn't push themselves to do things that were triggering for them. I have probably looked like a deer in the headlights while stammering to someone that I love them or saying that yes we can move in together, and it's not because I didn't mean those things. I had a full on panic attack and hours of derealization the first time my most recent partner showed up to my house unannounced, and I could barely type the words on my phone to text him some excuse to come back later. I had to force myself to see him, and it wasn't that I was "placating" him, I really did want to. I knew I was being "irrational" and "crazy." Does knowing about attachment theory make any of this easier for you? I had three separate lots of therapy and never heard of this stuff. Yeah, I don't know why it isn't just a standard part of therapy. It can be so insightful. |
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Post by mrob on Nov 8, 2019 4:57:56 GMT
Yes. I’ve avoided two situations that I knew would have ended badly with terrible heartache. Spoke about both here and got very different responses, which was interesting.
Whether I’m making progress, I don’t know, but I can actually understand how people respond for the first time in my life. I still don’t want what I don’t want, though.
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jules
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Post by jules on Nov 8, 2019 10:43:02 GMT
Yes. I’ve avoided two situations that I knew would have ended badly with terrible heartache. Spoke about both here and got very different responses, which was interesting. Whether I’m making progress, I don’t know, but I can actually understand how people respond for the first time in my life. I still don’t want what I don’t want, though. You are making progress. And it is progress, not perfection.  |
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