Post by anne12 on Dec 9, 2019 9:38:18 GMT
Look at the good conversation again.
Make an agreement about who will start talking - who's world are you talking about.
And then switch to the other partner later or another day.
Listening:
Securely attatched are good at listening.
The ambivalents
When the ambivalents are listening to their partner, it can make them feel a lot of emotions and this can create some thoughts, so that they are getting caught by their own feelings, so that they are not really lisitining
Or they can be overly absorbed by their partner, so.that they are forgetting about themselves.
The avoidants can maybe be good at listening.
The desorganised can get triggered even more than the ambivalent by listening to their partner, so that they can forget about asking questions if they are getting confused about something.
Solutions:
Solutions comes when both partners have been seen, heard and understood.
It's about finding z when x and y are not good for neither you or your partner, after you have gone through the 7 steps of the good conversation.
Avoidants:
Want's to find solutions, because this makes them feel safe.
Ambivalents:
They like to find solutions
Desorganised:
The disorganized may be good at listening without finding solutions.
When you are listening to you partner, it is crucial to put aside your own feelings and needs:
Remember the good intention:
Try to understand your partner's world. Listen to what your partner is telling you but also look at the bodylanguage, face, tone of voice, eyes, mood, attitude ect.
It is not always possible to understand one's partner. What matters is, that you accept, that your partner is feeling the way he/she does.
Securely attatched: Easily for them most of the time.
Ambivalent: Easily, unless caught by their own emotions
Dismissive can be challenged
Desorganised
Can have a hard time with this
May be good at this in some situations and not so much in other situations.
Be constructive:
Don't criticize and complain. Remember your partner has a positive intention.
The securely attatched are good at this
The ambivalent can sound blameful and complaining. Not always the way they say things, but with posture, tone of voice etc.
Some couples therapists are filming the ambivalent when they are talking to their partner, so that they can see what they are doing, because they can't see it themselves.
The ambivalent can try to pause.
Pause - and then think about, what is the intention of saying, what they want to say.
Some ambivalents think that it is a good idea if they help their partner and teach their partner on how to behave - a no go!!!!.
Dismissive
Disorganized
If your partner is hyper sensitive and perceives, what you say, as criticism, then it is even more important to be constructive.
Be open:
Some people have never learned to be open and voulnarble. Notise if you go in defence mode:
Notise your breath - if you are not breathing deeply, this can be a sign
It you start crying - it can be a given up state. Your system shuts down. Or poor me... Or you are just sad
Anger - your system shuts down.
Ambivalents:
Can be open and voulnarble. Until they go into victim-mode. Or they become quiet and / or can cry.
Avoidants: Difficult because they do not know, they can't find the words about how they are feeling, they can think "why should I share this with you ?", they can not feel. They can be open in their thoughts.
Desorganised:
Can be too open and voulnarble, or they can go blank, brake down, collapse, get angry
They can pause and give the state allowed to be there. When they are getting calm they can be open again and can share more.
When the relationship has become permanent, then you can sometimes have a powerstruggle.
Needs:
The ambivalent can have trouble being open and voulnarble. Because they are used to be more concerned about their partners wants and needs.
To be honest with yourself is the most important thing.
You and your partner can have long draining conversations, and then you can give up getting your needs met.
If you are not being open and voulnarble you are not really together, as you really are.
Stand by your feelings without putting down your partner. Do not say - you're an idiot, I can't count on you ect. Say: I feel, ....
Remember often 10% is about you, and 90% is about something from the other persons past.
Keep it short:
Ambivalents: it is difficult for them to keep it short.
Avoidants: They are often good at keeping it short.
Desorganised: Good if they can keep it simple and say 1-2 sentenses. Also if you've got a partner with some desorganised attatchment style.
Compromises: (Do not make compromises that drains you.)
1) Healthy if you do this because you want to and out of love
2) Unhealthy if you feel obligated or you comprimise out of fear of you partners reaction (Affraid if you partner gets mad, sad, rejects you, laughs at you, make fun of you, rejects you in bed ect)
Give your partner permission to have influence on your choises. You are a team!
Ambivalents sometimes they comprimise too much
Avoidant: It can be difficult to let their partner have some influence on their desicissions. Sometimes they do not even think about including their partner in their decision-making.
Desorganised: Problem with boundaries.
Exercise:
When you can't / when you are having trouble accommodating your partner, ask yourself:
What am I experiencing right now?
Where in the body do I feel this?
(paradoxical change method)
What deeper feelings are there in this?
(paradoxical method of change)
What am I afraid of?
(paradoxical method of change)
Make an agreement about who will start talking - who's world are you talking about.
And then switch to the other partner later or another day.
Listening:
Securely attatched are good at listening.
The ambivalents
When the ambivalents are listening to their partner, it can make them feel a lot of emotions and this can create some thoughts, so that they are getting caught by their own feelings, so that they are not really lisitining
Or they can be overly absorbed by their partner, so.that they are forgetting about themselves.
The avoidants can maybe be good at listening.
The desorganised can get triggered even more than the ambivalent by listening to their partner, so that they can forget about asking questions if they are getting confused about something.
Solutions:
Solutions comes when both partners have been seen, heard and understood.
It's about finding z when x and y are not good for neither you or your partner, after you have gone through the 7 steps of the good conversation.
Avoidants:
Want's to find solutions, because this makes them feel safe.
Ambivalents:
They like to find solutions
Desorganised:
The disorganized may be good at listening without finding solutions.
When you are listening to you partner, it is crucial to put aside your own feelings and needs:
Remember the good intention:
Try to understand your partner's world. Listen to what your partner is telling you but also look at the bodylanguage, face, tone of voice, eyes, mood, attitude ect.
It is not always possible to understand one's partner. What matters is, that you accept, that your partner is feeling the way he/she does.
Securely attatched: Easily for them most of the time.
Ambivalent: Easily, unless caught by their own emotions
Dismissive can be challenged
Desorganised
Can have a hard time with this
May be good at this in some situations and not so much in other situations.
Be constructive:
Don't criticize and complain. Remember your partner has a positive intention.
The securely attatched are good at this
The ambivalent can sound blameful and complaining. Not always the way they say things, but with posture, tone of voice etc.
Some couples therapists are filming the ambivalent when they are talking to their partner, so that they can see what they are doing, because they can't see it themselves.
The ambivalent can try to pause.
Pause - and then think about, what is the intention of saying, what they want to say.
Some ambivalents think that it is a good idea if they help their partner and teach their partner on how to behave - a no go!!!!.
Dismissive
Disorganized
If your partner is hyper sensitive and perceives, what you say, as criticism, then it is even more important to be constructive.
Be open:
Some people have never learned to be open and voulnarble. Notise if you go in defence mode:
Notise your breath - if you are not breathing deeply, this can be a sign
It you start crying - it can be a given up state. Your system shuts down. Or poor me... Or you are just sad
Anger - your system shuts down.
Ambivalents:
Can be open and voulnarble. Until they go into victim-mode. Or they become quiet and / or can cry.
Avoidants: Difficult because they do not know, they can't find the words about how they are feeling, they can think "why should I share this with you ?", they can not feel. They can be open in their thoughts.
Desorganised:
Can be too open and voulnarble, or they can go blank, brake down, collapse, get angry
They can pause and give the state allowed to be there. When they are getting calm they can be open again and can share more.
When the relationship has become permanent, then you can sometimes have a powerstruggle.
Needs:
The ambivalent can have trouble being open and voulnarble. Because they are used to be more concerned about their partners wants and needs.
To be honest with yourself is the most important thing.
You and your partner can have long draining conversations, and then you can give up getting your needs met.
If you are not being open and voulnarble you are not really together, as you really are.
Stand by your feelings without putting down your partner. Do not say - you're an idiot, I can't count on you ect. Say: I feel, ....
Remember often 10% is about you, and 90% is about something from the other persons past.
Keep it short:
Ambivalents: it is difficult for them to keep it short.
Avoidants: They are often good at keeping it short.
Desorganised: Good if they can keep it simple and say 1-2 sentenses. Also if you've got a partner with some desorganised attatchment style.
Compromises: (Do not make compromises that drains you.)
1) Healthy if you do this because you want to and out of love
2) Unhealthy if you feel obligated or you comprimise out of fear of you partners reaction (Affraid if you partner gets mad, sad, rejects you, laughs at you, make fun of you, rejects you in bed ect)
Give your partner permission to have influence on your choises. You are a team!
Ambivalents sometimes they comprimise too much
Avoidant: It can be difficult to let their partner have some influence on their desicissions. Sometimes they do not even think about including their partner in their decision-making.
Desorganised: Problem with boundaries.
Exercise:
When you can't / when you are having trouble accommodating your partner, ask yourself:
What am I experiencing right now?
Where in the body do I feel this?
(paradoxical change method)
What deeper feelings are there in this?
(paradoxical method of change)
What am I afraid of?
(paradoxical method of change)