Post by anne12 on Dec 9, 2019 9:38:18 GMT
Look at the good conversation again.
Make an agreement about who will start talking - who's world are you talking about.
And then switch to the other partner later or another day.Listening:
Securely attatched are good at listening.
When the ambivalents are listening to their partner, it can make them feel a lot of emotions and this can create some thoughts, so that they are getting caught by their own feelings, so that they are not really lisitining
Or they can be overly absorbed by their partner, so.that they are forgetting about themselves.
The avoidants can maybe be good at listening.
The desorganised can get triggered even more than the ambivalent by listening to their partner, so that they can forget about asking questions if they are getting confused about something.Solutions:
Solutions comes when both partners have been seen, heard and understood.
It's about finding z when x and y are not good for neither you or your partner, after you have gone through the 7 steps of the good conversation.
Want's to find solutions, because this makes them feel safe.
They like to find solutions
The disorganized may be good at listening without finding solutions.
When you are listening to you partner, it is crucial to put aside your own feelings and needs:Remember the good intention:
Try to understand your partner's world. Listen to what your partner is telling you but also look at the bodylanguage, face, tone of voice, eyes, mood, attitude ect.
It is not always possible to understand one's partner. What matters is, that you accept, that your partner is feeling the way he/she does.
Securely attatched: Easily for them most of the time.
Ambivalent: Easily, unless caught by their own emotions
Dismissive can be challenged
Can have a hard time with this
May be good at this in some situations and not so much in other situations.Be constructive:
Don't criticize and complain. Remember your partner has a positive intention.
The securely attatched are good at this
The ambivalent can sound blameful and complaining. Not always the way they say things, but with posture, tone of voice etc.
Some couples therapists are filming the ambivalent when they are talking to their partner, so that they can see what they are doing, because they can't see it themselves.
The ambivalent can try to pause.
Pause - and then think about, what is the intention of saying, what they want to say.
Some ambivalents think that it is a good idea if they help their partner and teach their partner on how to behave - a no go!!!!.
If your partner is hyper sensitive and perceives, what you say, as criticism, then it is even more important to be constructive.Be open:
Some people have never learned to be open and voulnarble. Notise if you go in defence mode:
Notise your breath - if you are not breathing deeply, this can be a sign
It you start crying - it can be a given up state. Your system shuts down. Or poor me... Or you are just sad
Anger - your system shuts down.
Can be open and voulnarble. Until they go into victim-mode. Or they become quiet and / or can cry.
Avoidants: Difficult because they do not know, they can't find the words about how they are feeling, they can think "why should I share this with you ?", they can not feel. They can be open in their thoughts.
Can be too open and voulnarble, or they can go blank, brake down, collapse, get angry
They can pause and give the state allowed to be there. When they are getting calm they can be open again and can share more.
When the relationship has become permanent, then you can sometimes have a powerstruggle.Needs:
The ambivalent can have trouble being open and voulnarble. Because they are used to be more concerned about their partners wants and needs.
To be honest with yourself is the most important thing.
You and your partner can have long draining conversations, and then you can give up getting your needs met.
If you are not being open and voulnarble you are not really together, as you really are.
Stand by your feelings without putting down your partner. Do not say - you're an idiot, I can't count on you ect. Say: I feel, ....
Remember often 10% is about you, and 90% is about something from the other persons past.Keep it short:
Ambivalents: it is difficult for them to keep it short.
Avoidants: They are often good at keeping it short.
Desorganised: Good if they can keep it simple and say 1-2 sentenses. Also if you've got a partner with some desorganised attatchment style.
Compromises: (Do not make compromises that drains you.)
1) Healthy if you do this because you want to and out of love
2) Unhealthy if you feel obligated or you comprimise out of fear of you partners reaction (Affraid if you partner gets mad, sad, rejects you, laughs at you, make fun of you, rejects you in bed ect)
Give your partner permission to have influence on your choises. You are a team!
Ambivalents sometimes they comprimise too much
Avoidant: It can be difficult to let their partner have some influence on their desicissions. Sometimes they do not even think about including their partner in their decision-making.
Desorganised: Problem with boundaries.
When you can't / when you are having trouble accommodating your partner, ask yourself:
What am I experiencing right now?
Where in the body do I feel this?
(paradoxical change method)
What deeper feelings are there in this?
(paradoxical method of change)
What am I afraid of?
(paradoxical method of change)
Post by anne12 on Dec 12, 2019 17:49:30 GMT
Sometimes you have to heal your broken heart in your current relationship, because it can cause you to hold back your feelings ect
Exercise: (instinktive level)
Healing of a broken heart:
Ending something in your present relationship is a new beginning
Your current partner may have hurt your heart/feelings
It can also be a past partner
or friends, ex partner, mom or dad ect.
When a relationship ends or you yourself end the relationship.
What does it take for you to end the earlier relationship or what does it take for the current relationship to change in a new way?
If there is much grief or anger, this must be handled first.
Who do you want to work with, that you have been hurt by?
Breath in and out 3 times. Feel the chair carry your weight and feel how the body is supported by the chair.
Notice that the body is breathing.
Imagine the person you are thinking of in front of you. If it is a person you have felt threatened by, then you can use your competent protector to help you (tiger, a policeman, a friend, a dog, a teacher, a grandparent ect.)
When you contact the person, ask the person "what color light do you need from me to be able to end our relationship?" (Red, yellow, blue, white, green ect)
Imagine the light streaming into you, through the top of your head and out of your body, out through the solar plexus, and into the other person.
Stop when the other person says, they have had enough light.
Then tell the other person what color light you need from the other person to be able to finish your relationship.
Imagine the light streaming down through the other persons head and out through the solar plexus and over to you.
Say stop when you're full.
If you have resistance of letting go, allow the resistance to be there. If not not possible to let go, do the exercise another day.
When you are filled Up with light, say "thank you".
Ask the other person "what gift do you need from me?" give the other your gift
Do NOT give your heart to the other person!!!!!
Notice what happens in your body, when you give the other person your gift?.
Then ask the other person "what gift do you have for me?"
Do not let the other person leave before the other has given you a gift.
Maybe it's positive, maybe it's negative, maybe the other person has nothing to give you (this shows the dynamic in your relationship - you were the giver, the other was the reciever).
Feel your mood and feel the sensations in the body as you receive the gift.
Why do this exercise:
Every time your heart gets hurt, then your heart closes a little. Then the more difficult it will be to open yourself up and recieve/give love in your present or future relationship.
This exercise helps you to heal at the instinktive level.
Post by anne12 on Dec 13, 2019 14:00:13 GMT
The five language of love:www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
You and your partner may have different love languages.
Two people speak two different love languages. The way we measure love ourselves is not necessarily the same way our partner perceives love. Therefore, we cannot just give what we ourselves want to receive.
There are two steps to learning how to communicate love:
Identify our own love language
Identify our partner's love language
The practice is that we must communicate love in the language, that our partner speaks.
It also applies to friends, family and children - we can get tremendous value out of decoding their language and communicating in their love language.
One way to identify our partner's love language is to notice what the partner demands/complains about:
- If we are often told, that we never have time, then the clue is time.
- If, on the other hand, we often get complaints about not hugging or forget to kiss goodbye, then touch is probably our partner's language.
- If you fish for verbal recognition when telling big and small events, then words of appreciation are equal to love.
- If your partner complains that you havent bought them a gift or that you have bought them the wrong gift, then gifts can be the persons lovelanguage.
Often we unconsciously give what we want ourselves. So another approach is to decode which love language our partner speaks to us and then start using it.
Try to give your partner, what your partner needs, and not what you need yourself. Then you can fill up eachothers lovetanks.
It is recommended that you and your partner have got at least one lovelanguage in commen.
Ambivalents: Often touch and undivided attention, words of afirmaton
Avoidants: Acts of service, (gifts), words of affirmation.
Desorganised: Undivided attention, touch, ect.
Which is you own an your partners love-language ?
How can you begin to show yourself love through your own love-language ?
How can you show your partner love, through your partners love- language ?
How can you try to make sure that you are not hurting your partner ?www.bustle.com/articles/161169-how-to-cope-when-you-your-partner-have-different-love-languages
Did you know that what you complain about—out loud or in your head—can be very telling about your primary love language?
Our complaints reveal what matters most to us.
If you complain that your friends or family don’t have time for you during football season, then your love language is likely Quality Time. If you grumble that all your friends forgot your birthday because only one gave you a gift, then your language is likely Receiving Gifts. If you complain that your spouse is always buying you gifts, but rarely hugs or embraces you, then we can theorize that Receiving Gifts is their language and Physical Touch is yours.
Our complaints reveal our deep emotional hurts.
The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language. What do those closest to you do or say—or fail to do or say—that hurt you deeply?
If, for example, the critical, judgmental words of your loved one(s) cause you the deepest pain, then your primary love language may be Words of Affirmation. Wounds in your native tongue really sting. If you were to receive love in that language, then the hurt would lessen, and you would feel appreciated and loved.
So, if you haven’t done so, start paying attention to your own complaints, as well as the complaints of others. By doing so, you may gain some interesting insights for giving and receiving love.
Post by anne12 on Dec 15, 2019 20:38:41 GMT
The manual for the woman's menstrual cycle! When you as a man understand it (and use it actively), you are far ahead of all other men.
A womans Sex drive is affected by her cycle
As a man, you probably already know that it is not always that you and your partners sex drive are synchronous. Maybe yours is bigger than hers. Or maybe hers is bigger than yours.
But did you know that her sex drive often peaks around ovulation? Ovulation is about in the middle of menstruation, and this is where she is most fertile - that is, it is now that she can get pregnant. So nature has cleverly designed her so that she has even more desire for sex during this period.
This also means that there are other days when she does not have as high a sex drive. And that's okay.
Women often feel pressured to have the same desire every day - but that's not how they are designed at all. If a man understands - and contains it - then it gives her peace and space not to feel wrong. And there is nothing that acts as a greater aphrodisiac on a woman than to feel understood and loved as she is.
This does not mean that we women only want sex around ovulation. Because nature has also designed us uniquely that we can have sex at all times of the cycle (whereas most other mammals only have it around ovulation).
It just means she may need a different approach at times when the sex drive is not as high. If your girlfriend uses hormonal contraception such as birth control pills or IUDs, she probably has no cycle. They work in most cases by shutting down ovulation. She may still have a bleeding, but she will not go through the hormonal fluctuations that the cycle controls. She may still experience fluctuations and need care and support from you, but then there are often other factors that affect the shifts, such as crises at work or a bad night's sleep. Be aware that hormone contraception can also have side effects such as lowering sex drive and increasing the risk of depression.
There are also some women who experience increased sex drive up to menstruation - or during menstruation. It's individual, so it's about getting to know your woman. When does she take the initiative for sex? When does she feel less like it? It would not surprise me if you could start to see a pattern that fits her cycle. And when you know that pattern, then you know, for example, when to plan the weekend trip with the boys and when it's time to take her on a romantic weekend.
Step carefully as a man But what about love? In a long-term relationship, conflicts will inevitably arise, and it is often the same core conflict that returns again and again as a ghost that one cannot get rid of. However, there is one point in a woman's cycle where I would tread carefully as a man. It's the week up to her period. You can call it the ‘pick-a-fight’ week, because her fuse is shorter, she is more sensitive and more insecure about herself now. In short - she is almost self-igniting.
Around day 21 of the cycle, a hormone called progesterone peaks, which has a calming effect on her. But it starts to fall towards menstruation if she has not gotten pregnant. And when we take a sedative hormone away from the body, then it can give the feeling of anxiety and restlessness in the body. So it is not her fault or on purpose that she is sensitive and takes things a little more personally than she usually does.
However, it is important that the cycle is not used as an excuse to behave unreasonably. So feel free to remind her where she is in her cycle and encourage her to take care of her own needs. Be patient, but also remember your own boundaries. The hormones can affect and control her, but she should also use her cycle to learn to accommodate and love all aspects of herself. However, if she has very severe PMS, it may be due to a hormonal imbalance and then I would encourage her to seek help.
But men also have a cycle - a daily cycle, which is controlled by testosterone. Testosterone is highest in the morning and decreases slowly during the day. For example, it may make him feel that he has energy and drive in the morning, and in the evening is a little tired and has a focus on recharging.
Hormonally speaking, a man looks like himself from day to day. But he is not as predictable as we might think, because testosterone can be affected by many things. For example, what age he is, whether he is married or not, whether he has children, and whether he has seen an attractive woman that day.
But if you take any given woman with a normal menstrual cycle and find out where she is in her cycle - then you can quite easily predict how she will feel.
For What can you use the cycle ?
Personally, I think we could create far better relationships if the sexes started to understand each other a little better.
That men became curious about how a woman changes during the month - and that we as women do not try to make men women and think that they understand what it is like to have a cycle.
When a man shakes his head and says, "Can a cycle really affect you SO much?", We should not blame him. Because how could he know what it is like if he has never experienced it? Let us instead practice explaining to each other what it is like to be in our different bodies so that we can compliment each other and harness each other's strengths.
I was wondering how many divorces and relationship problems could have been avoided or reduced if we dared to talk more about the menstrual cycle. Unfortunately, it has been a taboo for a long time and something that few people are able talk about over the dining table.
So it starts with us beginning to understand how it affects us and talking about it with each other.
Of course, the cycle cannot explain everything. Crises and unforeseen events in life can all help to affect our relationships. But the cycle is an important factor that we do not talk enough about.
I would encourage you - man and woman - to see the menstrual cycle as a template.
If there was a manual for women, it's this one.
It is not about you as a man being subject to the fluctuations of a woman. But if you want a happier partner who feels loved and gives all her love to you, then you are far ahead of other men if you understand her cycle and design your relationship accordingly around this.
In a long-term relationship, conflicts will inevitably come, and it is often the same core conflict that returns again and again as a ghost that one cannot get rid of. However, there is one time in a woman's cycle where it is good to step gently as a man. It's the week leading up to her menstruation. You can call it the 'pick-a-fight' week
, because her fuzz is shorter, she's more sensitive and more insecure about herself now. In short - she is almost self-igniting. Around day 21 of the cycle, a hormone called progesterone peaks, which soothes her. But it starts to fall close to menstruation if she has not become pregnant. And when we take a sedative hormone away from the body, it can give the feeling of anxiety and anxiety in the body. So it is not her fault or intentionally that she is sensitive and takes things a little more personally than she usually does.
GUIDE: How to help your girlfriend during her cycle.
Menstruation (about days 1-5): Ask her what she needs - chocolate, takeaway or a day on the couch. In particular, help her on the first and second days of her period where she is most affected.
Opening (day 6-11): Now her mood is starting to rise due to the hormone estrogen, so here it is obvious to throw yourself into activities together. This is .... both in the world - start a hobby together, go for a picnic, have fun - also at home in the bedroom. She is wearing her yes hat now and she is more optimistic.
Ovulation (about days 12-15): Here, the estrogen and testosterone hormones peak, and it boosts her sex drive. She also has easier orgasms, and she feels more attractive - and she is more attracted to men. Take advantage of this, plan a date, do something romantic ect NOTE: Remember to use birth control here if you do not want to get pregnant as her fertility is peaking now.
Nesting (about day 16 until the next period): Did you enjoy the wild times? Well, for now, estrogen drops, and progesterone gets on the field. It can make her more tired, hungry and introverted. Give her space and listen to what's coming up - she's more sensitive and will need your support to accommodate the emotional storms she's going through. Avoid going too much into delicate topics now, and remind her where she is in her cycle (in a caring way), and suggest waiting with major decisions until after her period.
Post by anne12 on Dec 17, 2019 17:59:09 GMT
Are You affected by your partners negative energy?
We are herd animals and we have mirror neurons so it is only a natural thing to get affected, unless you have got antisocial personality disorder.
What can you do:
1) You may be able to reverse your partners mood
2) You can say to your partner: "I can feel That You are in a bad Mood. What do You need right now ?" If the partner just have to talk and rant, You can Imagine That You are holding a container in front of you, so that you can let the container pick up your partners words, so that you do not get overwhelmed.
3) You can limit your time with your partner and concetrate on filling up your own energy tank by taking a walk in nature ect.
4) If your partner often is in a bad mood and you are being drained, you may consider wether the relationship is good for you. Consider when enough is enough.
5) If you stay, you can try to do this exercise, that centers you:
Imagine the other person or look at the other person.
Imagine a cloud with White light over your head.
Pull the coulor in with your inhalation.
Send the coulor through the solar plexus and over to the other person on exhalation.
Post by anne12 on Dec 18, 2019 8:18:37 GMT
The one who is at home comes to the door and receives the partner with a hug, a welcoming smile, a welcoming tone of voice and can say "oh hunny I'm so happy to see you"
(Avoidant s can use the "kind eyes" exercise before their partner comes homem.youtube.com/watch?v=leVxB1l5NiY
Teaches couples to ritualize reunions after separations. Reunion mishaps are a common cause of couple dysregulation and arguments. This process helps partners regulate one another quickly and easily.
Post by anne12 on Dec 19, 2019 10:51:12 GMT
Differences in relationships:
Similarities in relationships provide security, but can also cause boredom, if there are too many similarities.
Differences can give attraction and sparks
Or differences can cause conflicts and maybe lead to divorce.
In a couple, differences can give rise to in-depth conversations that can help the couple to get closer. You can become even better friends cf one of Sternberg's 3 legs in the love triangle.
Or you can get stuck and weary conflicts, so that you get farther apart.
What makes the difference - if you are getting closer or farther apart ?:
How much you love each other ?
Attachment Patterns ?
The way you handle conflicts ?
Your communication skills ?
Your Contact in daily life ?
- Yes, to all of the above.
Differences helps to enrich the relationship and ignite - if you can handle the differences in the right way.
If not,, then differences often cause a break up.
Don't expect your differences to become smaller with time. You must learn to live with them!
The very simple but often quite difficult way in which you best can cope with your differences:
1) With CURIOSITY and
2) With ACCEPT!
CURIOSITY: how is the partners world and how is the world seen with the other persons glasses?
ACCEPT: That the differences are allowed to be there.
Simply keep yourself from wanting to change your partner.
Your partner is allowed to be, think, feel, wish and choose freely to be himself/herself as he/she is - and the same goes for you!
The only thing you can wish for but never demand is that he/she possibly would do some things differently.
If he smokes, his allowed to smoke. It's a personal choice. But you can insist that he does not smoke inside your home or only smokes out of the window or in the garden.
From studies, it is known that differences in politics and values does not mean much to the happiness of the couple relationship or the durability. The crucial thing is to respect and listen to each other!Love is, to love what you wish were/was different
At the same time, it is important that you decide where your partner is in relation to your dealbreakers. These are the non negosiable requirements, that will make you leave the relationsship at some point if they are not in order. You should always take them seriously, even if you otherwise fit perfectly together.
It could be:
- economy including debt
- children or not
- abuse of alcohol, drugs, etc.
The things where you can't find "The Golden Middle Way". For example, you cannot have children and not have children.
Remember: to have lots of CURIOSITY and ACCEPT!
The contact in everyday life and the little attention and respect for each other is the most important thing, if you want the relationship to last according to Gottmann.
You make "deposits" through positive interactions and you make "withdrawals" through negative ones. In healthy relationships, the ratio of positive behavior (showing interest, asking questions, being kind) to negative behavior (criticism, anger, hurt feelings) is 5:1. Keep your balance high by doing nice things every day for your partner and recognizing when they do nice things for you. m.youtube.com/watch?v=QHN2EKd9tuE
E.g.. A: I love this music.
B: Yes, I can see that you really like this kind of music.
Or do you say "oh no, this music is bad. It sounds like a cat wailing"
A says "oh look at the birds in the garden. And B looks up and say "oh yeah they're cute"
Or B ignores and say angrily "Do not disturb me" or B ignores As bid for connection.
Talk to your partner about how both of you can give attention to eachother in daily life e.g. eyecontact, touch, loving words ect. and how you would like your partner to respond.It's about accepting that you are different and that you got different needs.
Accepting is a choice!
Real love is to love what you would which was different.
Respect is SOO important in a relationship.
What can help you with accepting your differences:
1) The paradoxical change method
3) The good conversation
Secure: Good at accepting differences.
They respect their own boundaries and needs and the boundaries and needs of their partner
They come up with a solution
They may have difficulty accepting if their partner does not understand the importance of feelings and needs.
They do not always detect if their partner put deposits into the relationship.
They may have projects on behalf of their partner, they want their partner to change. Some want a symbiotic relationship. We melt together -Some ambivalents may have lost the connection in the symbiositic phase the first 10 months of their lives. They may be unaware that they want a symbiose in the relationship. They believe we instead of you and me in the relationship.
They find it difficult with differences in needs and feelings
They can loose themselves or
They can have projects on behalf of their partner
We get disturded by differences.
Have no reference as they cannot label themselves. They can put down the other. Talk to the cognitive part. Use pictures and metaphors to describe your need.
Differences are not fatal to the dismissive. They just do it themselves or bring a friend If the partner dosent want to participate.
If the partner feels demanding and insists on more contact, they can end the relationship.
thinks in black and white. If you are not on my team, then you are against me. It is their primitive part of the brain / their state of alarm that is at play.
This makes it hard for them to accept differences.
They must land ANS. They are not stupid but hey have to teach their brain ,that the other person is not their enemy but their friend.Homework - Make a love diary:
Ambivalent - write 5 signs of love every day
Avoidant - write 5 things you said / did to make the relationship meaningful today
Disorganized - write 5 moments when you were in the precent moment in the relationshipCouples exercise - write down:
1.Brainstorm: What differences do you have?
2. Make a list of the differences that makes things difficult for you
3.For each of these differences - find the deeper need
4.If one of you fails / or does this - what effect does it have on you and on your relationship (what does it cost)
5.How do your differences add to the dynamics and evolution of the relationship?
Its important to support eachother with your wants and dreams in life
Esther Perel - Desire needs spacem.youtube.com/watch?v=kz7SYrnSls4
Post by anne12 on Dec 22, 2019 21:37:08 GMT
How to deal with rejections in your relationship:
The most important thing for humans was to be part of the heard. Being thrown out of the herd is the worst thing for the old part of the brain (reptile brain and limbic system) - our unconscious.
Good relationships are crucial to our joy of life and how long we live. This could be a reason why we respond to a rejection.
Rejection: is that the other says no or ignores you.
If you feel uncomfortable, there is a psychological mechanism whereby you leave a part of yourself and you stick with the other person instead of sticking with yourself
It's all about getting yourself back.
What part of myself have I left, so that I now agree with the other person and not with myself. That you do not think you have the right to be you - that you are not good enough, beautiful enough, rich enough, interesting enough ect.
It is an old story where one has been rejected or been wronged
You leave a part of yourself.
You maybe say inside of yourself :" This was a bad idea, I should have waited" ect.
It's about getting youself back. Saying YES to you!
You have not learned to value yourself. You have not been seen, heard and understood.
This may have happened in your childhood or later in your life.
When you get a rejection you can also try to use it as a mirror and see if there is something that you have to integrate.
Saying NO means that the other has just another desire / another need than you have - Basically it has nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with the other person!!!!
(Unless You are having a power struggle or underdog/overdog dynamic or your partner never wants to do anything together with you.)
If you feel uncomfortable with the other saying no, then you are leaving yourself....!
Use the paradoxial change method:jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1128/accepting-paradoxial-change-method
To get a yes, you can try this model (salesmen uses this model to get a yes from their customers):
You can try to use the zig zag model:
(depending om how important the need is for You)
It's Sunday and you want to go for a walk with your partner. Your partner says NO. He wants to watch Champions League. You ask again after the match has ended. He says NO because it's cold outside and he has to do some work. Then you ask again after he has finished his work "So now that you have finished your work, we can go for a walk. We can go for a walk a the beach, whish you use to enjoy"?....ect. Ask in different ways.
You keep asking your partner, in different ways, until you get a yes or until you are not interested in getting a yes anymore.
The person is allowed to say NO Up till 7 times
You could also end up asking someone else to go for a walk with You or you go for a walk by yourself. It's about getting a YES to you wether or not your partner want's to join you, so that your lifeenergy dosent get blocked!!.
To ask up to 7 times in different ways, at different times is NOT being needy!
You can also ask yourself "what is my deeper need?" Maybe it's guality time with your partner, so that it will be okay to do something different than going for a walk. Just as long as you are doing something together. Maybe You even Will enjoy watching Champions Leauge together with your partner?! (Not every sunday but this sunday maybe?)
The art of love is to love what you wish was different. But do not give up on yourself.
Secure: They are so integrated that they are okay with getting a no.
Low self-esteem. They easily feel rejected. They tend to leave themselves. They have to get. back to themselves.
They believe that everything in the relationship has something to do with the ambivalent self. Discovering that the other's no is not about the ambivalent can be redeeming to the ambivalent. How can you get your needs met by your partner or by yourself.
Early rejection has formed the pattern. They expect rejection.
They hear a no as a rejection of them selves as a whole person.
They can pull back - ex- slam the door or they can break down and can give up - say inside themselves" there is something wrong with me...ect"
Or they can be very insisting to get a yes: "It is good for you to walk, fresh air is good for your health, I'm going to find your shoes now, you never want to do anything when I ask you..." ect
Or they can threaten to get a yes - " If you won't do this then ....."
Remember you can have whises, but you partner is not obligated to meet your needs/whishes.
You can ask "How come you do not want to go for a walk" (do not ask if you are getting frustrated. Land yourself - selfregulate - and then come back and ask again)The healing exercise - how to come Back to yourself:
Ask yourself, "What part of me have I left and then cared about the other person instead of myself?"
Give that part allowed to be there, say to it: "It's ok, you you are allowed to be here right now!"
If you have resistance, say to the resistance "ok, you are allowed to be here right now"
The other has just another desire / need than you Basically it has nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with the other! It's about saying yes to yourself wether or not your partner rejects you.
You can also use the watertank exercise.
Kind eyes exercisem.youtube.com/watch?v=leVxB1l5NiY
Land ANS for example the water tank exercisejebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-regulation-exercises-ectCouple exercise:
Use the Good Conversation to repair at least once where you or your partner has been rejected by the other
Speaking of being needy versus being gracious
Why being too nice leads to rejection - the dynamic in your relationchip:m.youtube.com/watch?feature=share&v=CWKEDKAbQus
Post by anne12 on Dec 27, 2019 19:20:47 GMT
Compromising that drains you in your relationships:
Do you compromise yourself in relationships:
Then theres a change that:
1) You will not feel valued
2) Your boss, family, friends, partner, parents will also lose respect.
It is not healthy for yourself.. You will not feel loved or appreciated. You will be frustrated.
Is it healthy or harmful to compromise then?
It can be both good and bad to compromise
Why are you doing something, that is not super good for you ?
Why do you compromise?
Do you do it because you feel like it - because you want to make the other person happy ? Then it is good for you and the relationship and your partner.
Or do you do it because you become insecure and you do it out of fear:
Ex. you are afraid to be abandoned, afraid that the other gets upset, because you feel you should, that you will not get sex, that the other can think that you are a bad person .
Then your life energy, your self worth ect. will get drained.
There's also the risk that the other person will get frustrated, will not be able to feel you and the other can lose the respect for you. The other gets used to getting it his way. And the relationship can end.
Post by anne12 on Dec 30, 2019 10:19:32 GMT
Respect, boundaries, abandoment fears, fear of loosing oneself, doubts ect:
What is respect:
Recognition of someone's value
When we recognize the other person
That we see eachother as equals
It's not so much about you showing respect but about your partner feeling respected!!!
If your relationship lacks respect:
At least one' partners self-esteem/selfworth will get drained
and the relationship will end either because one is not being respected or one' loses respect for their partner.
Understanding or minimum acceptance of the other person
Clarification of communication styles from your childhood home or work / friends ect - how do each of you communicate in the relationship.
You may think that you respect your partner, but if your behavior does not show respect for your partner, then you are not respecting your partner.
If you do not understand your partner, you can just ask your partner.
Lack of respect causes frustrations on both sides. It can damage:
Sex life and attraction
Love for eachother
Lack of respect may be due to:
the culture you come from
lack of selfrespect
Relationships with psycopaths/narcissits
How do you experience respect?
You do this when you feel that your partner has respect for who you are and how you are. And that your partner has a self-responsible attitude. Respect for others, for example, is to show up on time and keeping appointments. Respect is that you feel that you have the freedom to be yourself, to speak honestlyy and freely, and that you can make decisions and do compromises together.
What does respect mean? How do you create respect for yourself?
You do this by gaining self-respect, ex. being able to stand up for yourself, having healthy natural boundaries and a high self-esteem./self worth.
And you do this by showing deep and honest respect for others. Again, so they EVEN perceive it respectfully. You will need to communicate to find out if your respectful actions are also perceived as respectfull!
Too much respect can lead to over-respect in the form of submissiveness, compassion, and being under-dog and a doormat in the relationship.
Too little respect can result in superiority, arrogance and indifference.
You can express them clearly, unambiguously and lovingly
It is very difficult to set their boundaries clearly.
They can Get preoccupied by their partner
They believe that their happiness depends on the other and they may blame the other
Why do you always .. ...(not respecting your partner)
Poor me tears....(victim talk)
May sound condescending about feelings and needs
If someone exceeds their boundaries they will shut down and withdraw
They had to transcend their own boundaries. They have shut down to feel their boundaries. There has been a under-dog / over-dog dynamic
in the family. A dynamic that they have inherited.
They have a hard time with boundaries and respect
Either they can't feel their boundaries at all or they don't think their boundaries are ok
They can shut down
Or give up
The fear of losing your partner or yourself:
If you lose yourself, the fear of losing the other ect.
Only when you let go of dependence on each other only then love can grow
There are no guarantees in love life.
ALL relationships will end at some point.
Many relationships ends before death will separate you.- by thinking that all relationships stop sooner or later. That's why you don't have to worry about it.
What are your deeper needs.
What can you do yourself to fulfill your own wishes and needs.
Ask yourself: What do I feel like, how can I take care of this myself. The ambivalent adds too much to the other.
Come here and stay away at the same time. Uncertainty and doubt can be a trigger. Same problems as the ambivalent.
Avoidants: Has to learn how to give the relationship and the other person meaning. They do not have the same problems as the desorganised and the ambivalent. They do not loose themselves the same way and do not worry about being abandoned ....
Check your love vision: Are you building the relationship that matches your love vision?
Or are you moving further away from it?
Post by anne12 on Dec 31, 2019 17:52:08 GMT
Couple Exercise, Intimate Sphere:
This exercise requires you to use the Good Conversation to repair if one of you feels rejected or disrespected by the other person when doing the exercise!
It is an exercise that trains boundaries, respect and empathy.
1.Sit on a chair Infront of eachother
2.Select an A and a B
3.A starts by sensing in the body whether the body wants to get closer to, farther away or stay where it is in relation to B
4.A moves according to the body
5. If B thinks it is uncomfortable (whether A is moving further away or closer) - then B must use the paradoxical method of change!
6.When B is okay
7. A research again what the body would like to do now
8.A then moves accordingly
9.If B has unpleasant reactions, land them again with The Paradoxical change Method
10.And A can re-examine whether the body want's to get closer, further away or stay where it is
11.A moves accordingly
12.and so on...
13. Spend 5 minutes each (one at a time, A starting) to tell what it was like to do the exercise
14.Is there anything you need from your partner right now?
15. If the partner can give it, give it now
16.You can switch so that B now becomes A and you do the exercise again - or you will do it another day.
17.It is important that you both get through one round each!
Post by anne12 on Jan 6, 2020 11:27:52 GMT
The Masculine Vs the feminine - how to create polarity in your relationship so that you can keep the attraction between You and your partner: ( masculine / feminine energy is not gender specific )
Yin and Yang, together form a whole. The dynamics works best when there is a balance between the 2 poles. When you each make up the opposite half.If you are both in the masculine energy,
your friendly relationship can be thriving at best. You will probably be good at different activities together. Maybe you're really competing together. But there will not be much spark.If you are both in the feminine energy
, you can have the most amazing deep and emotional talks. You will feel seen, heard and understood. But again, it is possible that your sex life will die.
In principle, a masculine woman and a feminine man should be able have the relationship and sex life to work out perfect.
But this does not always happen.
There are many couples, where the woman has become equally masculine or more masculine than the man. The man has often been passive and feminine, he has left the stearing wheel to the woman. It gives a lot of frustrations for both.
In working life and elsewhere, you as a woman can use your masculine sides.
As a man, you will be converted to a more whole human being when you take on some of the feminine sides.
It is actually really good and enriching for both sexes to develop both the masculine and the feminine sides. We can better live our potential from here. The art is that you compared to a (potential) partner, is in your masculine or feminine energy (typically your gender, but you may have changed to the opposite, it is most relevant if you are homosexual).
Outside the relationsship, you can grow both sides, but when you meet up with your (potential) partner, be feminine, or be masculine!The feminine:
The feminine power is soft, open, positive, receptive, fluid, intuitive, without direction, seeking, inquiring, flexible, nutritious, radiating the energy of feminine joy and capturing what is necessary in the present. The feminine is designed to be social and good to the emotional. In our hustle and bustle daily life of action and targeting, the feminine power has been both misunderstood and unseen. Many therefore regard the feminine as something negative. General negative associates: weakness, hysteria, erratic swinging, moody, manipulative, passive, compassionate, immortal, passive aggressive, impoverished, victim
Grow your femininity:
• Be with women to grow the feminine
• By movements: bodily, mental, etc.
• Sensuality *
• Aesthetics and energy
• Changes, rhythm
• Be in the nature, feel the ground and the plants
• Contain emotions and feel the energy
• Open the heart
• Dress up so you feel feminine
• Give care and nutrition to someone or something, whether it's just a plant. Notice the nourishing aspect of this.
. Finding pleasure in your everyday life
*do some of the "feel your sences" exercises in the selfregulation thread
*do slow soft seductive movementsThe masculine:
Now you may think it's much easier to be a man. It is far from it. For the entire institutional world, from the nursery to the classroom, is characterized by women and women's activities.
Going on adventure and exploring is important for boys/men. It's important that the partner supports this.
On the contrary, boys often go to school before they are ready for a life where they
must sit still for a long time and use the head instead of the body. Where one of the feminine forces is to conect verbally, then the masculine strength is the body and muscles! Later in life, the man typically becomes best to use the left hemisphere, meaning commen sense and linearity thoughts. The masculine is best to focus on one thing at a time, as it was important at the time he was a hunter.
Do you want to be a masculine man (many women loves this), then there is one thing that is most important to focus on: Do not allow anyone to "cut your balls"! That is, that you set your limits and go for some of the goals you have set.
When the masculine sets healthy boundaries it creates trust and attraction in the feminine. It's a fine line between giving your gifts to the feminine and keeping your own boundaries. Expecially if you are more feminine (man.)
Grow your masculinity:
• Stay together with men who dare to give you courage and ask you questions.
Men who are masculine and challenge you
• Do exercise and use your body, push yourself more
• Find your mission, set goals ... reach them
• Debate / argue
• Take control, initiatives, perform actions
• Set your limits, do not let others cut your masculinity (your balls)
• Give your gifts, your passion
• Open your heart
• Go on adventures goodmenproject.com/featured-content/what-is-adventure-and-why-do-you-need-it-as-a-man-kcon/As a woman:
If you are a woman, then it is important - to be able to be happy and to be happy about the smallest things in life - it is crucial for a good relationship!
This is the most important thing. This is what matters most to a man, that he is experiencing, that what he has to offer, makes his woman happy. Then he feels this is the most important thing. This is what matters the most to a man, that he is experiencing, that what he has to offer, makes his woman happy. Then he feels masculine and successful! It's all about the instinctive level.
The trick is to let the feminine and the masculine dance between you in your relationship.
The feminine enrich the masculine with its energy.
The more you can switch between the two poles the more you Will get a complete life.
If the feminine trusts the masculine, the feminine will follow the masculine.If you are a woman and are in the masculine:
you will be the one who takes the initiatives in the relationship.
You may seem too controlling sometimes. Maybe you can't see this yourself but your partner may find you controlling, harsh or bossy.If you are a man and you are in the feminine:
You can loose some of your potence and you can have problems with your erection in the relationship and also outside of the relationship.
Or maybe you do not have problems with your sexuallity but your partner looses her attraction to you.
When the masculine sets healthy boundaries it reinforces the attraction of the feminine and it causes the feminine to follow as the feminine then can trusts the masculine. Also if the masculine makes decisions th at takes into account both him/herself and the partner and children, the whole unit. Then the feminine can trust at the masculine at the instinktive level.
The feminine may have difficulty recieving with grace. And the masculine can have difficulty giving "his" gifts.
To develop the masculine, the masculine must be allowed to express their anger, boundaries and frustrations bodily.If you are the feminine in your relationship, you can help your partner express the masculine by receiving with grace:
Say: "I am so looking forward to that you .../ .... it will be so delicious/ it is so wonderful, what you do/ It will make me so happy if you../ this makes me so happy" ect
IT is also a good idea to show grace by expressing it with your body ex like if you are tasting something yummy...
If you just say "thank you", "you are so good" ect it dosent work the same way.How long does it take for the masculine/the feminine to commit:
The masculine moves slow, and can take up to two years to fully commit, while the feminine moves fast, and wants to commit within around 3 months into the realtionship - max. 9 months.. The femine moves like eb and flow
One of the biggest things women don't know about men is that EVERYTHING has to survive the "WORTH IT" test. His time, his energy, his resources, his attention. If you keep doing things as a man that gives you back less, than you gave it, thats how you die. Its an instinct in men. If I waste my time and energy, I am going to die.
Esther Perel: Desire needs space - www.youtube.com/watch?v=kz7SYrnSls4Transition time:
The masculine needs transition time. The masculine needs to go into their "nothing box" and need longer transition time after work ect.(5-30 min. doing "nothing"). The masculine shifts slowly and the feminine shifts fast.
Transition time: meditate, playing computer games, getting transitiontime on the way home from work (bus, 🚆 train), shifting TV channels ect.
The feminine can't really multi task, but the feminine can shift quickly between different kind of tasks ect. It can also be a good idea also for the feminine to take some transition time.
The masculine and the nothing box;youtu.be/SWiBRL-bxiAwww.pennmedicine.org/news/news-releases/2013/december/brain-connectivity-study-reveaCouple exercise
1. Schedule time to be together
2. Spend some time up to this time to get more into the feminine / masculine
3. Repeatedly while having couple time: Check in with yourself and the feminine / masculine
Post by anne12 on Jan 7, 2020 18:33:27 GMT
Polarity in relatonsships:
Equality creates security
Diversity creates sparks and attraction.
In relationships it is recommended:
1) Spiritually - equality is good
2) Mentally - polarity is good
3 )Emotionally - equality is good
4) Physical - polarity is good including the feminine and the masculine
Ad2) How to think. Ex one is visionary and the other curious and inquiring
Ad3) That both are emotional, that both are sensitive, that both are insensitive ect.
Ad4)The more masculine one is and the more feminine the other is, the more physical attraction in the relationship.
The masculine is to give his gifts/provide
The feminine is to receive with grace
The masculine is fed by the feminine energy.
To receive with grace (the feminine)
Say: I really enjoy this, this makes me soo happy, show grace w your body...
(not thank you, thank you, you're so smart and intelligent ect.)
Recieving with grace is the feminine's ways of giving to the masculine.
All people contain the masculine and the feminine
Couple Exercise - Infinity Meditation:
Sit facing each other (variant sit with your back facing each other)
Close your eyes and notice that the chair is carrying your weight so the body can calmly sink into it
Feel your heart. Maybe you can feel it beating (feel free to put your hand on your heart)
Imagine an infinity sign running around your heart and your partner's heart
(an 8 that lies down ∞)
Sit together like this for 5-10 minutes
The masculine then says, "Thanks honey, let's open our eyes"
Open your eyes each, slowly
Make eye contact with your partner
Sit like this for 4 minutes
Notice what is inside you (body sensations, mood)
Tell one at a time, what was it like to do for you?
Make it short, preferably in a single or maximum of 3 sentences
(not to dilute the energetic closeness that you have just built)