Post by anne12 on Nov 8, 2019 15:47:32 GMT
The good conversation:
0. Tell your partner that you would like to have a talk.
1. Agree a time when it suits both of you - when there is time, no stress ect.
2. A, tell what your purpose is with the conversation. What do you want to achieve? "I wish we could spend more time together"
3. What is the deeper need? "I want to feel more connected with you", "I want to feel that I matter to you'
4. How important is the need in the head on a scale from 1-10? How important is the need in the heart on a scale from 1-10?
(there can be a difference from the feeling in the head to the feeling in the heart)
5. B tries to imagine/feel the importance of the conversation for A and A s need
6. What does it do to B that A has this need and the importance of As need?
7. A asks B what do you need from me to be able to help provide this need of mine ?
Agree about who is talking and who is listening. Talk about one thing at a time.
Don't interrupt your partner. Let your partner finish.
Let both partners be heard but only after A has made his/her request clear so that B can understand it. Talk about As world first - feelings, experience, world. And then Bs world, feelings, experience. Remember that you are two separate people, with different backgrounds and maybe different attatchmentstyles.
At first it is not about finding solutions.
Be open and quirious - notice if you go in defence: notise if you get contractions in the body, explains, stop listening, raises your voice, body language, yell, crie, show anger ect.
Practice staying open and voulnarble. Your partner is with you. If you think something else you are having a power struggle.
Be constructive. Rather than critisise and blame your partner. Remember that your partner comes with a positive intension, even when you do not see it this way. (Unless you are together with a psycopath or narcissist)
Let yourself be open and voulnarble. Remember that you are on the same team. Take care of eachother in the conversation.
Be sencierly interested in your partners world and we'll being. There must be an agreement that you will both get a seat at the table and be heard. This is love.
Be honest. To be honest is to dare to risk yourself and your relationship, so that it can be good. Maybe you are not trained to be voulnarble, maybe you are affraid of your partners reaction and concequenses. Maybe you are used to manipulate to try to get your needs met. Maybe you have already given up. Maybe you have got some resentment.
Stand by your emotions. Do not downplay the other's feelings. Be aware if some of your feelings stem from something from your past. Imago says That 90 persent of your feelings in a relationship stems from your past and 10 percent is about what is happening in the present relationship/in the precent moment. If you still are having negative emotions, this can be because that you still do not feel heard and understood yet. Maybe you can talk a bit more.
Don't judge or make fun of the other persons needs and feelings.
Keep it simple. Say 1 and maximum 3 sentences. And then pause. Give your partner time to reflect on what you have said. Most people can only keep track one one topic/information at a time. I you say a lot, there is a change that you will be misunderstood or you will not be heard.
Be as concrete as possible. What would you like your partner to do or say ? Or not to do or say / stop saying or doing? Tell what words and actions you would like your partner to say or do. When and in what type of situations. Remember these are only wishes. You partner is not required/obligated to meet them.
Do something active to listen with all your senses.
Repeat what you hear and ask if there is something that you do not understand/that you can not make sence of.
Sometimes you have to make agreements. To compromise. Be aware if you make compromises that drains you or your partner. You compromise out of lust and love. Not out of fear ect.
Life changes. Each of you develop through life. Therefore it can be a good thing to talk about your dreams, whishes, how you want your family life to be, chores, careers, couple time ect. on a regular basis.
Post by anne12 on Nov 9, 2019 13:55:37 GMT
Use the good conversation.
You can tell your partner what it is that you want/would like. What you want more of or what you want less of in your relationship. Or what it is that You Wold like to change in your relationship. What is your deeper need ?
You can Make a wish list based on each need with ex. 10 suggestions on how your partner can help you to get that specific need met.
Remember it is a wish list. In many cases, you cannot expect to get all your needs met. Your partner is under no obligation to do anything specific.
However, be aware if your need is a dealbreaker for you.
Ex avoidant partner:
When you want to have a talk with your avoidant partner:
Say that you want to talk.
Ask when it will be appropriate for your avoidant partner to have a talk. Then agree when you set aside time to talk together.
Tell your partner about the purpose of the conversation. What would you like to get out of the conversation. What is your goal ?
Explain what are the benefits of having the conversation. What are the disadvantages if you do not talk about the specific topic.
Some of them, are often visual in their communication style, so a good thing can be to talk in pictures
Use logical, rational arguments. Be concrete. Use intellectual arguments with reasonable points and arguments (and not discussion arguments). This can make them listen to you and they can say : okay, this maybe sounds resanoble, right, let's talk then....
Do not talk too much about how you feel ect. They do not understand that well and you risk not being taken seriously. Some avoidants can actually make fun of you and your feelings. They are not very good at feeling their own needs, feelings and sensations. They are up in their head and have closed off form their neck and down.
(Ex the ambivalent can talk a lot about feelings and needs. They feel a lot. They often say : "I feel, I can sence that, I want to, I don't want to, just because I feel like it..." ect.)
If you can put pictures on the things that you want, then this can be helpful for the avoidant to be able to better understand...
Remember again to be as concrete as possible.
If/when the avoidant does something that you like, tell him/her about it.
You want to try a new type of vacation. Usually you and your avoidant partner go skiing. But you want to go on summer vacation - to Thailand - with sun and high temperatures. Your avoidant partner says NO. We normally go skiing.
You can explain why you want to try a different kind of vacation (rational arguments) - ex the sun is healthy for you and your partners d vitamin level and your own d vitamin level is low, it will give you and your partner a better health , time to decompress, get a brake from daily life with stress, salt water is healthy to the skin ect.
Post by anne12 on Nov 9, 2019 15:03:24 GMT
How to talk about how each of you are chareterised by the 4 different attathcmentstyles :
There can be different approaches wether you are talkning to an ambivalent, avoidant, disorganised or secure partner.
You can invite your partner to talk about how you are each characterized by the 4 attachment patterns
Investigate whether it can give rise to new ways of speaking and behaving toward one another - if not a greater and deeper understanding and compassion for each other and each of you.
You can suggest to your partner, that you and your partner together take a look at a list of the different traits for each attachment style.
Remember it is just an invitation.
It's a suggestion - just as if you tell your partner, that you have never tasted lobster and you then suggest, that you and your partner visit a lobster restaurant, so that you can taste lobster together.
You can do this when you have been together around two months or longer - when you have kind of agreed on that you want to see where this relationship leads you.
Tell your partner which traits you can recognize in yourself and ask your partner if there are any of the traits your partner can recognize in himself/herself. Remember we often have traits from several different attachment styles - also from the secure attachment style.
Avoid telling your partner what you think he / she is. Let him / her tell you herself/himself. Don't say: "oh I think you are like this or that", "this trait fits your personality" ect.
It's an invitation to talk!!!!
NOT an opportunity to "diagnose" your partner.
Otherwise, you may cross your partners boundaries and you can come of as being intimidating , controlling ect
Some traits: (do not show you partner the healing threads) It can also be a bad idea to ask / tell your partner to take a test. Remember to be gentle.jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1188/attatchment-style-decription-relying-thetests
Take a look at a list of the different traits that describe the 4 attachment styles.
Talk about how you are each characterized by the 4 attachment patterns.
Investigate if it can give rise to new ways of speaking and behaving toward each other - if not a greater and deeper understanding and compassion for each other and each of you
Read "The Good Conversation" and talk about:
Which points are new?
Which points are difficult?
Which points are easy?
In which/what situations and topics will it be relevant to use the Good Conversation?
When can and will you take such good conversations?
Schedule when you will have at least one Good conversation
What good thing are you focusing on next time in these conversations?
An attatchment/SE/couples therapist
Post by anne12 on Nov 18, 2019 9:55:36 GMT
Why did you fall in love with your partner:
Different perspectives on why we fall in love:
Biological reasons - (Ensure the survival of the species - a man who can provide support and money - a women who can give birth to healthy children)
You did something together that made your nerveussystem feel danger/ in high arousel - the experiment with the suspesion brigde - www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=P0aMEkGlcQE
- Arthur Aron
You need a revolution in your life - Fransesco Albaroni
We seek a symbiotic relationship, just as the one you had with your mother when you were nurcing, to get your tank filled up from what you did not get enough of in the symbiotic phase with your mother - typical for people with some ap attatchmentstyle (unconsious)
The karma theory - we will live more lives than one, as we have some karma, we need get completed from previous lives
You fall in love with your inner gold - (Inner Gold by Robert A. Johnson). This theory reminds of the imago theory, but is more positive - it focuses on your inner gold and your potentiels.
We got the same level of education
We come from the same background
We have a twin soul
You project your inner unconscious anima / animus onto the other person - this means that you do not see the other person, as the other really is jebkinnisonforum.com/post/40438/
Crushing love (lasts a few days to up to one year) - dopamine and norepinephrine are released, romantic love lasts 4-5 years, friendly love - maybe the rest of your life
We complement eachother
We come from the same background and got the same level of education ect
You are as a woman attracted to different types of men depending where you as a woman are in your menstratual cycle
You are attracted to different types of men weather you as a woman are on the pill or not
It only takes a fifth of a second to activate the 12 brain areas that make you fall in love.
The old brain is designed so that we quickly read each other, when we meet a stranger. We know during the moments most about the other person, at least at the unconscious level. At this primitive level: friend or enemy.
Primitive or not, this part of us is terribly good at selecting other people who matches our often unconscious patterns.
Then this old brain is at stake. It is programmed to select and make you fall in love with just the kind of men / women who can restore your childhood psychical environment for good and bad.
The person can remind you of your mother and father. Not on the persons appearance and at first not on the persons behavior. Only later in the relationship the negative similarities emerge.
But the old brain registrates this quickly. The more in love/the more crush/the more sexual attraction - the greater the challenges will be later in the relationship.
Imago's explanation of love: The ultra-short version is:
We fall in love with one who can restore our childhoods mental environment on the good and bad. Where the negative gives the sparks and sexual attraction.
This is because the love template is in the old part of the brain. This part of the brain is extremely primitive in relation to neocortex, where reason and conscious thoughts emerge! The old part of the brain does not operate with chronological time, but sees everything as being right now.
Therefore, if you meet a person who reminds you of someone you know or have known, then it will confuse the person with this one. You will then feel safe or unsafe, comfortable or uncomfortable, etc.
At the same time, this person whom you fall in love with has sides that you have repressed and lack to accept and / or develop yourself. That is, compensatory sides that makes the other different from yourself. If you are outgoing, you may fall in love with someone who is quieter and introverted. It gives you a feeling of being whole.
Later in the relationship, these sides of the other person you fall in love with can be exactly the sides that bothers you the most.
Put another way: The more a person potentially is able to give you the same kind of feelings that you experienced in childhood, the more in love you become!
Unfortunately, especially the negative emotions give attraction. I could also say it like this: "The more in love/t he bigger crush/the more sexual attraction - the more difficult problems later in the relationship".
As a woman you project your inner animus onto your partner. As a man you project your inner anima onto your partner.
1. Make this imago image clearer each of You:
Take a piece of paper and draw a large circle. Divide the circle in the middle by drawing a horizontal line.
In the top half of the circle, list all the negative characteristics of your mother, father and other caregivers from your childhood
In the bottom half of the circle, write down all the positive qualities of your mother, father and other caregivers from your childhood
Put circles around the characteristics / things in the circle that matter the most to you (positive or negative)
Complete this sentence:
"What I missed the most in my childhood compared to mom and dad was that ...."
I wanted my mom and dad to show that they loved each other
I wanted to feel safe
I wanted to be seen and listened to
I wished we spent time together as a family
I wished we talked about the difficult feelings
I whised that my parents saw me and showed me that I was wanted and that I mattered to them
I whised that my parents were able to support me
2. Then sit together with your partner and share:
What have each of you discovered about youself ?
What influence does this have in your relationship, for example in your conflicts / your problems - but also something that you are good at together ?
What compensatory qualities did you fall in love with in your partner ?
Are these some qualities that annoys or bothers you now?
How can you use the knowledge, that these qualities are some qualities, that each of you could benefit from developing in yourselves ?
Post by anne12 on Nov 20, 2019 15:34:28 GMT
“The love triangle consists of intimacy/friendship, passion and commitment.
Intimacy and closeness arise between people who feel understood by each other, and it provides a relationship of closeness and connectedness.
You will do what it takes to make the relationship successful. This is attatchment. You are able to share your inner feelings, you are best buddies.
Passion and intimacy provide romance, physical attraction, sex and excitement.
sparks, physical and sexual attraction, contractions in the stomach, champagne bubbles in the body, etc. . you are eachothers lovers
The commitment gives the relationship security and loyalty because the parties take responsibility for fighting for the relationship's survival. You will both do what it takes to make the relationsship work. If you dont know what to do, you will seek counseling.
An eternal battle
The perfect love arises when there is an equal amount of all three ingredients, but the dosage is extremely difficult. Even if a relationship achieves balance, it will get a lot of push and pull, so the love triangle repeatedly runs out of its equilibrium and conflicts, frustrations and deprivation arise. The eternal challenge of the relationship is therefore to find ways to restore balance so that love lasts.
“For example, in a relationship where the relationship is skewed, one can have a high degree of intimacy and passion, but no agreement on commitment. The relationship is a hot, stormy affair, but the relationship will have difficulty surviving long term because the triangle lacks a leg to stand on.
In another relationship there may be plenty of commitment, but lack of passion and intimacy, and the result is a practical relationship without the big feelings, which is empty and boring in the long run.
So love does not last if we sit back and put our hands in our pockets.
Sternberg's seven different relationships:
According to Robert Steinberg, the ingredients in the love triangle can be mixed in seven different ways.
The relationship of friendship: If there is only intimacy and commitment in a relationship, it is only friendship. The two parties have great sympathy for each other. However, as the passion is lacking, the long-term relationship will have difficulty in surviving. The friendship keeps the fear of loneliness at a distance.
The Practical Relationship: The relationship is cold, there is plenty of commitment but no passion and no intimacy. You stay together because of the children, or because it is financially profitable, or because you may be afraid to lose face to the surroundings.
The affair: The relationship has lots of passion and physical desire, but the commitment and intimacy is lacking. The relationship has the necessary ingredient for a hefty but short-lived affair, but that's it.
The love: When intimacy and passion are linked, the result is a romantic love. The two turtle doves are bound together by deep emotions and desires.
The Dosage Ratio: Commitment is paramount. A long and stable marriage where the partners are bound together by common interests, children, family, habits and a long common past. The couple relationship can be happy, but still lacks passion.
The Occupation: The couple's relationship is filled with passion and commitment, but lacks intimacy. Partners move in together very quickly and form a solid relationship without knowing each other particularly well. The relationship is naively understood in that it is based on hopes, dreams and illusions.
True Love: Contains all three components in equal amount. The challenge is to keep the ingredients in balance, which requires hard work.youtu.be/-Cxq7ZmnFLU
Take a look of the descriptions above.
What kind of relationship do you have ?
Is there anything that is missing ?
How can you work on whats missing, so that you can get a more balenced relationship ?
Post by anne12 on Nov 22, 2019 11:25:56 GMT
Tips on how to prevent jealousy, infedelety, affairs ect. in your relationship, expecially around Christmas time ect:
If we are stressed, then we become less tolerant of our partner. When we are constantly in stress, we are up in our head, and then we may not feel our desire for our partner.
Can you say yes to just one of the following:
You have unresolved conflicts in the relationship.
You are annoyed, angry ect with your partner or vice versa
You or your partner are stressed
You or your partner have a secret "dream" in everyday live about an "adventure"
You or your partner do not feel valued or loved
Then the traffic light is yellow and it is time to stop before you or your partner run the risk of driving into redzone and doing a lot of harm - emotionally - to your relationship.
10 tips on what you and your partner can do to avoid jealousy, affairs, ect :
Take time for each other. Prioritise couple time, where it's about the two of you without practical chores and child logistics
Repair your relationship if one of you has stepped the other over the toes. Say sorry or accept the apology, respectively. And find out how you can better handle the situation for both of you in the future
Clarify your love language. That is, what makes you each feel loved and appreciated. We typically give what we ourselves want. As with Christmas presents, it is rarely what the other wants and needs - or what makes the other feel loved
Ensure closeness and familiarity with each other. Look each other in the eyes, as when you were in the honeymoon fase - with curiosity, openness and enthusiasm. Listen to each other in the same way. Be each other's best friends
Spend time on hugs, touch and kisses also without sex, hold hands - it stimulates the release of oxytocin, our attachment hormone
Also prioritize sex, play. This also releases oxytocin. Make if possible an erotic Christmas calendar for your partner
Drop the perfectionism in the Christmas season. In the big picture, it doesn't matter if you made the cookies yourself ect. Then you have got more time for your husband or wife
Surprises and changes benefit most conditions, as long as they are positive. What could you do differently and better in relation to each other in December
Notice how you feel and ask for what you want from the other. Your partner is not and should not be a mind reader!
If necessary, seek professional help. Visit a couples therapist.Take one or two sessionss before Christmas and agree that it can be a Christmas present for your couple relationship and family.
Post by anne12 on Nov 25, 2019 12:03:03 GMT
7 Research-Based Principles for Making Marriage Work:
“Enhance your love maps.” Love is in the details. ...
“Nurture your fondness and admiration.” ...
“Turn toward each other instead of away.” ...
“Let your partner influence you.” ...
“Solve your solvable problems.” ...
“Overcome gridlock.” ...
“Create shared meaning.”
"Remember the positive in your relationship""
Know each other well and be open and share about your life, your plans, your everyday life, your thoughts and your feelings. Don't keep secrets and don't be mysterious. Be eachother s friends.
Plan life together. Plan new positive experiences together, activities, vacations, possible relocation ect
A bid for connectionm.youtube.com/watch?v=ib7Ain2aVR0
Emotional bank account :“Emotional Bank Account,” which represents the balance of positivity and negativity in your relationship.
You make "deposits" through positive interactions and you make "withdrawals" through negative ones. In healthy relationships, the ratio of positive behavior (showing interest, asking questions, being kind) to negative behavior (criticism, anger, hurt feelings) is 5:1. Keep your balance high by doing nice things every day for your partner and recognizing when they do nice things for you. m.youtube.com/watch?v=QHN2EKd9tuE
In a relationship
Need lots of contact, emotional closeness, sharing, shared experiences, needs to know that they are loved, that they can get their needs met ect. On the other hand: They need some kind of uncertainty in the relationship. (If not they can loose interest and end the relationship)
Need a lot of time by themselves, or sitting in the same room with their partner without engaging, need time on their own and away from their partner, likes a practical relationship without too much emotion and feelings.
Need lots of space and even time alone.
That relationship works conveniently.
They can take a long time to give the relationship meaning.
That it is not too demanding for them emotionally
Needs that things develop slow even if they can move fast themselves,things has to be clear, the respect of boundaries is important too them in relationships. If they are very desorganised they can find it difficult to feel their own and the other persons boundaries. If they are less desorganised they can maybe feel their boundaries but then they can doubt that their boundaries are okay
That there is clarity in the relationship. No ambiguities. Clear communication.However, they may well have problems being clear and direct themdelves.Smalll steps
That boundaries are respected and lovingly set.Exercise 2: How to repair
1.The one who has been hurt tells without reproach what went wrong and how it felt
2.The one who has hurt the other, sees, hears and understands as best as you can and says I'm sorry
3. Together you can examine whether it is possible to change something, so that it does not happen (in the same way) - in the future - it is not always possible.
Post by anne12 on Nov 25, 2019 20:44:28 GMT
Don'ts in relationships:
Gottman - "the four horsemen of the apocalypse."
There are four negative patterns that often sound familiar to fighting couples.
1. Criticism: Gottman says criticism is "really a way of fueling the attack, so you state your complaint as an attack on the other person." He noted, "It's not constructive, it winds up leading to an escalation of the conflict."
2. Contempt: "Not only is contempt the best predictor of divorce, because it's really this air of superiority. You need respect in a relationship."
3. Defensiveness: Gottman explains people need to take responsibility for the problem, and can say to the other person, "What's your point? I mean, it makes some sense what you're saying. Tell me more.'" Dr. Gottman points out that defensiveness gets in the way of two people working as a team to figure out a solution.
4. Stonewalling is also known as the silent treatment. Gottman says, "The stonewaller is really trying to calm down and not make it worse, but when you're faced with somebody who's silent like that, you escalate. So, it's a very disruptive pattern."
According to Gottman, there are three things you should never say in a fight with a significant other. Are you guilty?
Have you said one of these three things when in a fight?
1) You never...
2) You always...
3) Anything insulting, or acted superior.m.youtube.com/watch?v=625t8Rr9o6oThe drama triangle - victim, rescuer, predator - Stephen Karpmanjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/850/drama-triangle
Post by anne12 on Nov 26, 2019 20:43:54 GMT
When You are in a relationship love is a daily choise and not just a feeling. People can often forget this in their daily life.
This choise is easy for the securely attatched.
Choose to love your partner every single day.
Love is nurtured by the actions you take in the relationship on a daily basis.
Instead of waiting to receive, take steps to show your love for the other person.
For the disorganised:
This can Be difficult because of their "come here, and go away" way of Thinking/reacting at the same time.
They have to choose their partner every single Day and choose to love every single Day.
Choosing to love themselves every single Day is also important.
The ambivalent / the anxious preoccupied:
For the ap This can Be difficult because of their doubt. "I want/ I do not want"-
"is This the RIGHT person",
"am I the RIGHT One" for This person,
"am I in the RIGHT relationship ?"
The ap has to take a concious choise in their lovelife every single Day. Choosing their partner again and again. Choosing to love their partner every single Day.
Also to choose the love for themselves every single Day
For the dismissive avoidant, who dosent think That relationships/having a partner is important, This is also an important choise to do every single day.
Choose to love your partner every single Day and also remember to choose the love for yourself every single Day.jebkinnisonforum.com/post/24954/
- the desorganised jebkinnisonforum.com/post/24951/
- the apjebkinnisonforum.com/post/24953/
- the da
Post by anne12 on Nov 27, 2019 12:47:30 GMT
Do you and your partner want the same things in your relationship ? Do you have the same values ect. ?
When you already have got a partner, then you can make the Love Vision together with your partner - after you have made your own and know what it is that you basically dream about.
Use the exercise to cultivate the mood and feelings that you dream of are between the two of you!
Make a vision that will make you (almost) experience, the relationship that you dream of RIGHT NOW. It will open you to love so that you can be in the right place at the right time and do what it takes.
Immediately drop the list of how your partner should be!
Even if you are with a partner with exactly the traits and qualities that are on your list, there will always be something that you have not thought of.
Because at the conscious level you can't get all the facets.
How to make your love vision:
Describe your vision as concrete and vivid as possible. Describe the vision so that you feel it, feel your enthusiasm and joy over the things that are in it
Describe it in present and positive formulations. What you want to get. Or already have and would like to keep on having in your relationship.
Describe the feelings, sensations, moods and experiences that you would like to have in love life, these are the ones that open you to love and get it attracted!
Long term lovevision:
Livingsituation, kids, Work, families, friends ect.
Merge your values into the vision
Describe what and how it is in your relationship
Your way of being together
Activities and your sex life
Other relationships - family, friends, children
Housing -form-seperate, together, apartment, house, in the city, country 🏠 ect
Free time, travel, vacations ect.
Read your vision at least every day - especially you need to focus on the emotions and moods. There may be a need - very easy even. Allow it to be there too.
You can make a collage together with pictures from magasines of things and experiences you want in your relationship.
Post by anne12 on Dec 1, 2019 21:32:44 GMT
4 types of contact in relationships:
1. Superficial talk, indifference, you talk about the weather ect.
Often used at parties, receptions, at work, first time meetings.Also in relationships. Expecially in the dating phase. With friends.
There can be a lot of play, celebration associated with this form of contact. You can learn a lot about other people at this level.
Some people do not like to communicate in this way and withdraw and isolate themselves
Some avoidants sometimes interacts at this level. It's without emotional interaction, and that's why some of them can do this. Some avoidants can be very funny and outgoing.
If you continue at this level, you never really get any deeper. This can make it hard to get a boyfriend, as a woman you can have a hard time to get boyfriends - because you become one of the guys.
Personally engaged conversation but without emotion. Here we talk about politics, science, technology, dreams events ect
The avoidant likes to talk and interact at this level.
You talk about the others, your colleagues, non-committal talk. At a party, you can ask what a person loves to do.
3) Confidentiality, confessions:
We talk about things, other people and how we feel about other people ex my boss makes me feel ... .We can also gossip about other people. You talk about your feeling but not in the precent moment. Ex. the time you did that, it made me feel xxxx.
Ambivalents like to talk and interact at this level. You talk about feelings but not about the precent moment.
4) Feelings - you / me
The deep communication
Expressions of authentic emotions
I feel xxxx for you right now
I'm angry with you because you ...
I like you / love you
I get upset, when you...
It bothers me when you ...
I feel humbled when you say.....
The direct contact. You tell in the present how you feel about your partner.
I feel warmth around my heart as I sit here talking to you.
I feel uneasy in the solar plexus, when I talk to you. I'm nervous about what you are going to say to me now...
The ambivalent likes to talk at this level
Some desorganised attatched likes to talk at this level but they can overshare. it is human contact without defense and reservations
This is where we feel the importance of our existence in relation to ourselves and other people
Here, genuine contact, openness, security and trust is created
Make sure that you and your partner uses this form of contact with eachother from time to time to create and keep the feeling of intimacy in the relationship.
It takes the courage to be voulnarble in these kind of conversations. To talk about your shame ect.
Set aside 8 minutes of undisturbed time
Direct contact for 4 minutes - 2 minutes for each
Talk about how it was - 2 minutes for each
Direct contact is that you tell the other what you feel and feel in the body right now that relates to the other in this moment.
Let the avoidant partner look away from time to time because otherwise it can be overwhelming for them ..
There are not many words in the direct contact. Ex. when i sit here and look at you i feel a little uncomfortable but when i look you in the eyes i get touched and i can feel warmth in the body and i can feel my heart.
It can be positive emotions and sensations, and they tend to be the easy ones.
The neutrals can sometimes be ok easy too.
The negatives can be severe (re). This is where your willingness to show vulnerability comes into play. And at the same time the other manages to be inclusive and understanding or just accepting.
So you both can be with what is now in this moment.
Post by anne12 on Dec 2, 2019 12:25:30 GMT
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1010/vulnerableVulnerability and closeness.
Cohesion / good friendship, intimacy
One of the 3 legs in Robert Sternberg's love triangle.
Here we experience the intimacy, friendship, attatchment. It requires vulnerability. That you can be open to each other and that you don't have secrets. That you are not only strong, but also can show your weakness.
Vulnerability is a choice you make in your relationship.
Shame shuts down vulnerability. If you can be with your shame, when sharing with your partner, then this can help you to heal the shame.
This can be done in the secure connection with both the self and the other.
Can feel togetherness and connection briefly. In the crushing phase, the ambivalent can feel a symbiotic togetherness.
However, the ambivalent can lose interest when the other is available and then thay can lose the sense of belonging.
They can also be anxious about wether or not their partner will disappear.
This skepticism makes it difficult for the ambivalent to feel cohesion/togetherness/voulnarbility. "Yes, yes you are here RIGHT NOW, but what about tomorrow ?"
What can the ambivalent do ?
The ambivalent can use the cognitive part of their brain. What's the worst thing that can happen?
What is the consequence if you do not show your vulnerability?
If you do not show your vulnerability, then you cannot experience cohesion in your relationship.
Tell about your thoughts, feelings.
The more vulnerable and embarrassed you seem to be, the more you need to share to feel cohesion.
If you do not show your vulnerability to your partner, then you cannot experience cohesion. There is a change that the relationship will not last. Then you can experience the feeling of being alone/on your own, if you stay in the relationship because the relationship will miss one leg according to Sternberg's model.
The relationship is the best place to heal.
It is hard to feel cohesion and vulnerability. They have closed off their feelings and needs. They have shut down to sense their feelings and needs. Therefore they do not miss it, as they do not notice this.
Practice giving the relationship meaning. Reach out and ask for help. You don't have to deal with things yourself - your partner is allowed to be there too. In this way you and your partner can feel cohesion.
Cohesion is dangerous and scary. This activates fight flight reactions. They may panic and feel that their body just wants to run away. They can also become aggressive and lash out.
Bundaries are hard to feel and to set and they have a lot of shame. This blocks vulnerability.
They can share too much or their system shuts down due to shame, so that they can't share their voulnarble feelings. This happens at the instinctive level.
You teach your partner what your boundaries are and you make sure you get them respected. And vice versa.
Divide your shame into small chunks and share little by little. And the same the other way around.Respect and how to be with the emotions:
(Joy, sadness, anxiety, doubt, insecurity, mistrust, jealousy, anger ect):
How to show respect for eachother:
IT is important to have and show respekt for eachother.
It is also crucial that you have got some self-respect.
It is about listening to your partner . To see, hear and understand each other. Maybe you can look at your partners face, body language, the words you partner use to tell how your partner is feeling.
If you do not understand eachother, then try to accept and respect you partners feelings, boundaries, needs.
Try to understand eachother at the cognitive, the spiritual, the emotional, and at the instinctive level.
If one does not experience respect, it often has something to do with one's own boundaries. It may also have something to do with the needs
The most important thing is not to have these needs met, but to let the other person realize how important the need is to you. Maybe you can not understand your partners needs and feelings, but you can tell your partner that you even if you do not understand, you can respect that your partner is feeling the way your partner is feeling or the need that your partner has.
It is your responsibility to point out how important this need is to you. (On a scale from 1-10)
But your partner is not required/obligated to fulfill the need.
But it is important that your partner recognizes your need ..
E.g. the need for sex can be different for each of you, or your partners need to stay in bed at a Sunday morning and wants to sleep more, even if you've got 3 children, because then your partner will have more energy for the rest of the day..
Women can loose their desire for sex, if they have lost the respect for their partner!
An e.g. The man may have a leader position at work , but he does not take intiative and co-responsibility at home , and leaves the responsibility to his partner.
Or he lets the partner make most of the dissions in the relationship. She can then loose respect for her partner, expecially if she is very feminine.Exercise:
How can you as a woman continue to have respect for your partner ?
How can you, as a man, help your wife to keep having respect for you?
- do you as a man need to take more initiative ect. ?
Try to cultivate your masculine energy and make things happen, take initiative, surprise her, help her with household, duties ect.
Post by anne12 on Dec 2, 2019 18:15:49 GMT
If your partner got stress:
Is your partner stressed out?
Then he/she can be less attracted to you, research from Germany shows:www.theguardian.com/science/2010/mar/10/men-sexual-tastes-broaden-stressed
According to a couples attatchment therapist he/she then can prefer a more "cold" and withdrawn partner. He she can also be less sexual.
Stress provides plenty of heat - therefore the masculine will not be attracted to heat but cold. It is a good idea to withdraw a bit and become a bit "cold". Remember to set your boundaries if your partner lashes out. Otherwise it can drain your self-esteem.
Both men and women have got the masculine and the feminine.
The feminine needs to talk their way out of stress (getting nurture and care), the masculine needs to act their way of it and find their own solutions.
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