Advice

Well I think it's safe to assume that this cycle will repeat if you pursue this with a romantic interest the avoidant feels they can't sustain.

Also, That sort of depends on them as an individual but after knowing many avoidants in my life what I've learned is that Even if you want to be friends you need to make sure there is no exhaustive pressure to reciprocate closeness and emotion until they get therapy and work their feelings out. What it took me a long time to understand about my avoidant friends, family, and previous ex is that what you need to feel fulfilled and happy unfortunately has the opposite effect of draining them and making them feel claustrophobic. In my life experience the only people I've ever known to successfully tame a fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant are secures that are leaning towards slight avoidance themselves but mainly and very much dominantly secure.... and even for them it would be a challenge every once in a while. It's not easy but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. If it's friendship you are seeking I suggest taking it slowly and establishing boundaries which will help the avoidant feel more comfortable... and yes they are capable of closeness, it just might not be to the level you'd expect. If your intent is to pursue a romantic relationship than I have to warn you that it's likely
History will repeat itself. Hope this helps a little.

That's exactly what it is. My ex is actually very avoidant and a workaholic... but at her age I was able to make it realize how much it caught up to her. She's very successful but always wants more and I've made her realize through much patience and determination that she's missed a huge window of opportunity in her life to have a family and have meaningful connections with people. The woman is in her 40's and handles her emotions like that of a teenager sometimes throwing a tantrum in their room...."I need my space right now I'm overwhelmed and need time!" When all you really said to them was "hey how are you?". The one thing i struggle with is how her phoney superficial facade is with people and friends she doesn't let get close to her. It can be frustrating how accommodating and tolerable she can be towards them but then I remember she was like that with me once upon a time when I first met her. At this point in her life she struggles with what she feels in her heart she wants and what she thinks she wants and is familiar with (typical coping) like her workaholic nature and obsession with her job. Any avoidant will distance themselves so as not to deal with the emotional stuff. I think of it as a social or emotional muscle they never exercised so when they have to use it they basically struggle or collapse. I think it's almost as if that emotional muscle I speak of has atrophied and they use coping mechanisms they become reliant on (which includes distancing and over focusing on careers) to navigate day to day. Clearly that's not a way a published author would refer to it as but that's just one way I've made connections to explain it all in my head. Maybe if you leave your ex alone for a while and leave it up to him it may change his perspective a little bit. Focus on you, avoidants are usually broken people and will always will be to an extent even if they get help. You have to accept that you'll never fully be appreciated or valued by one of them the way you want... and what I've learned is that most avoidants don't really know themselves once they start the hard work of getting help so as hard as it may be you have to learn to not hold it against them. It's not their fault so you have to develop a very tough skin.