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Post by happyidiot on Nov 13, 2019 4:03:39 GMT
I always thought deactivation happens later and just not being into someone happens at first. I always thought deactivation happens later and just not being into someone happens at first. This seems logical. For me, I’m wondering if there’s an earlier version because I’m rarely into anyone. This is a tough one. I guess it depends on how one defines "deactivating." Like are we defining it as an intimacy-preventing response to someone we are already attaching to? What if you are preventing even reaching that point? I'm rarely "into" people either and I'm sure that is no coincidence. It can certainly feel like "early deactivation" to me. Some common scenarios: I meet someone and they don't seem excited about me, I assume that they aren't into me and I get turned off. I meet someone and they seem TOO excited about me, I figure they don't even know me and are just into a false idea of me or desperate for a relationship or something and I get turned off. I meet someone who seems nice enough but just very boring, I don't feel anything about them and can barely drag myself on a second date with them. Right away I will find–often silly–reasons that someone isn't right for me and dwell on those. I've heard this faultfinding referred to as "Seinfeld Syndrome" because one of the running gags on Seinfeld was Jerry Seinfeld's ability to focus on every annoying habit or imperfection his dates had. There was a date of Jerry's who had “man hands,” one who had an unattractive laugh, one who ate her peas one at a time. All reasons to break up, according to Jerry. It's ironic that I have historically felt "not into" someone due to being vaguely "not good looking enough," or having greasy hair, or loving a band I hate, or not drinking alcohol, or not trying to kiss me soon enough, or for having an ex girlfriend too dissimilar to me, or not being funny enough, or being too into sports, or being too similar to me, or too rich, or too new agey, or can't compare to my ex, etc, while historically I was somehow NOT turned off by real no-brainer indicators that someone was not a good choice, such as them having a girlfriend or living in another country or not having a home. I have even felt repulsed by someone or an urge to flee from them very early on, and it was not because my nervous system was reacting to growing attached to them or having strong feelings for them. I am more likely to experience the anxiety side of my attachment issues later on, as a result of the magnitude of my feelings for a partner, whereas my avoidant side can come out very early on. If this isn't a form of deactivation I'm not sure what to call it. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 13, 2019 4:08:35 GMT
Also...today I felt some anger towards B....which I think is really healthy stemming from what I think is a very valid question...why does his new gf get an emotionally available version of B when I got the emotionally unavailable version. My mom would say I was having a pity party and the world does not revolve around me...but in this case...I think it is healthy for me to start exploring this “loss” and finally get to the angry stage of it...even if it comes in fits and starts. - Why do you think the new gf has an emotionally available version of B? What evidence do you have to support this? I think it boils down to the fact that he made it publicly known that he is in a relationship. Not sure he has done that before...honestly never asked, but he did not do that with me. 😕. That is really the basis of it all...he pursued her...he did not pursue me....he posted a picture of the two of them the day after putting that he was in a relationship...he never posted a picture of the two of us....she posted something on his timeline the day after that (which he accepted) about 2 people being better then one because they can help each other succeed. There was nothing, absolutely nothing like that with me....it is such a stark contrast that my mind can only think that everything is different...including his availability towards her. |
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 13, 2019 4:15:45 GMT
This is the FA deactivation. I get to a point where I just want to be left alone, and feel picked on. I don’t think I am FA....I just don’t think I handle “not being into someone” and dealing with boundary violations in a very mature way. This guy sent me a message through Facebook even though I have never interacted with him and we are not FB friends saying that he could see that I had a heart for a God that was missing in other women. I will admit I was neutral about him until that message...and then I felt invaded...like who was he to be watching me and how did him know anything about my heart? I honestly could not see a compliment in it at all..but instead saw an expectation that I could never meet and someone who did not see “me” at all but what he wanted to see. I developed a huge hatred towards him...a real disgust. And for a long time I was afraid that God would try to pair me up with him...and that just added all kinds of complexities of feelings about God to the mix. I think for most of my life...I haven’t really allowed myself to have feelings....I just get overwhelmed by them and then judge myself as my mom would and there would be a lot of shame in that. So I don’t think I am speaking to the same scenario that you are. This actually sounds totally like an FA reacting to someone who comes on very AP. Not saying that means you are FA, but we all have a bit of all the styles within us and perhaps encountering someone who comes on very strong when they don't really know you might sort of give you an avoidant reaction? I've seen that with my highly AP friend, I watched her behave exactly like an avoidant when she dated someone who was more AP than she was and his AP-ness became apparent. She even said it gave her an understanding of what it must feel like for people who date her when her AP-ness is out in full force. Also happy birthday and lots of love to you! |
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Post by iz42 on Nov 13, 2019 5:43:40 GMT
tnr9 - Why do you think the new gf has an emotionally available version of B? What evidence do you have to support this? I think it boils down to the fact that he made it publicly known that he is in a relationship. Not sure he has done that before...honestly never asked, but he did not do that with me. 😕. That is really the basis of it all...he pursued her...he did not pursue me....he posted a picture of the two of them the day after putting that he was in a relationship...he never posted a picture of the two of us....she posted something on his timeline the day after that (which he accepted) about 2 people being better then one because they can help each other succeed. There was nothing, absolutely nothing like that with me....it is such a stark contrast that my mind can only think that everything is different...including his availability towards her. People rarely change dramatically in a short period of time, however things appear from the outside. I have this same belief about my ex and his new gf. In my situation, it appears that he is emotionally available because he is allowing her to get close in ways he did not allow me (introducing her to family members, having her stay with him indefinitely). It's painful. Despite all the weirdness of her contacting me, they are doing well. He appears secure, but they are in the honeymoon phase. He is FA and isn't really aware of his issues, so the most likely scenario is that he will deactivate and repeat the cycle. It may take a long time for her to get hooked like I did, but it's likely to happen. It seems obvious but I really have to work to remind myself that I don't want to be part of that anymore. But who knows. Maybe she is secure and it will rub off on him. The other side of this is that even if things work out with them and he IS fully emotionally available with her, I have to learn to live with that. it's not easy. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 13, 2019 12:58:02 GMT
I think it boils down to the fact that he made it publicly known that he is in a relationship. Not sure he has done that before...honestly never asked, but he did not do that with me. 😕. That is really the basis of it all...he pursued her...he did not pursue me....he posted a picture of the two of them the day after putting that he was in a relationship...he never posted a picture of the two of us....she posted something on his timeline the day after that (which he accepted) about 2 people being better then one because they can help each other succeed. There was nothing, absolutely nothing like that with me....it is such a stark contrast that my mind can only think that everything is different...including his availability towards her. People rarely change dramatically in a short period of time, however things appear from the outside. I have this same belief about my ex and his new gf. In my situation, it appears that he is emotionally available because he is allowing her to get close in ways he did not allow me (introducing her to family members, having her stay with him indefinitely). It's painful. Despite all the weirdness of her contacting me, they are doing well. He appears secure, but they are in the honeymoon phase. He is FA and isn't really aware of his issues, so the most likely scenario is that he will deactivate and repeat the cycle. It may take a long time for her to get hooked like I did, but it's likely to happen. It seems obvious but I really have to work to remind myself that I don't want to be part of that anymore. But who knows. Maybe she is secure and it will rub off on him. The other side of this is that even if things work out with them and he IS fully emotionally available with her, I have to learn to live with that. it's not easy. Same here...B invited her to his family vacation before he made things official and he did not do that with me. It took 3 months and an almost break up for me to meet his family. I don’t think he would make it FB official unless he felt she was the one. She is younger than him and from a Central American country and has a huge network of friends. It just stinks. |
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Post by iz42 on Nov 14, 2019 0:43:22 GMT
tnr9 the real work for me is understanding that his choices might be painful but they have more to do with him than with me. All it means is that from his perspective we are not compatible, and it's not about me being lovable or not.
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