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Post by tnr9 on Nov 11, 2019 14:15:50 GMT
I was hoping that B would reach out and wish me a happy birthday...but he did not. This is the first year since I have known him that I did not receive a happy birthday....and it hurt. Logically it makes sense...I defriended him after I found out he is dating someone else....and I did not respond to a message he sent about a month ago....but it still hurts. I am trying to be open to the disappointment and the unmet storyline....which was this hope that he would still reach out, that he would make an effort...regardless of how much time had occurred....because deep down, that is what I wanted...to be more then just a “convenience” girl...I wanted to be a girl he would go out of his way for...because in some deep down way...I needed that in order to believe he truly cared...and that all those words he spoke were not just convenient, in the moment words to get his own needs addressed.
I feel like I have either been a burden or a convenience.....I have never been a girl worth fighting for...maybe in the beginning it appeared I was being fought for...which is perhaps why I bond so quickly. I want to lock that down so I don’t have to chase it again...so I don’t have to feel like a burden or a convenience....but feel chosen.
in any event...I feel this is good....I feel like the root issues are finally speaking....I feel like my voice is finding a place. Andi do believe the best is yet to come. Thanks for reading and being part of my journey. Many blessings.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 11, 2019 15:54:50 GMT
Happy Birthday! 🎂 Do something special for yourself today, regardless of whether B recognizes your day or not, celebrate the wonderful person you are and the journey you are taking. Another year, another chapter of healing and discovery.
Treat yourself- you deserve it!! 🎈🎈
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Post by alexandra on Nov 11, 2019 16:55:29 GMT
Happy birthday!!!!
This may sound counter-intuitive, but that happening to you is much more about your own choices in partners than about you being "chosen." You are neither a burden nor convenience because they don't get to assign your worth. You're doing a lot of great work, and eventually it will create a positive shift in the types of partners you are attracted to.
Enjoy your day, hope you find a fun way to celebrate!
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 11, 2019 18:05:52 GMT
Happy birthday!!!! This may sound counter-intuitive, but that happening to you is much more about your own choices in partners than about you being "chosen." You are neither a burden nor convenience because they don't get to assign your worth. You're doing a lot of great work, and eventually it will create a positive shift in the types of partners you are attracted to. Enjoy your day, hope you find a fun way to celebrate! Yeh...this is a faulty logic tape that I still have running. I plan to raise it with my therapist. I don’t know why, but it is much harder for me to see B as flawed...much easier to see me as flawed....ie “not chosen”=“not worthy”. There is also a lot of unique feelings/thoughts about “choosing” and not being “chosen”. Plus every single time I write...I cry....it is still automatic...as if you will be mad at my response. |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 11, 2019 18:10:39 GMT
tnr9, I hope you mean general you and not specific you. I'm never mad at your responses, I have no reason to be 
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 11, 2019 20:14:47 GMT
Happy birthday!!!! This may sound counter-intuitive, but that happening to you is much more about your own choices in partners than about you being "chosen." You are neither a burden nor convenience because they don't get to assign your worth. You're doing a lot of great work, and eventually it will create a positive shift in the types of partners you are attracted to. Enjoy your day, hope you find a fun way to celebrate! Yeh...this is a faulty logic tape that I still have running. I plan to raise it with my therapist. I don’t know why, but it is much harder for me to see B as flawed...much easier to see me as flawed....ie “not chosen”=“not worthy”. There is also a lot of unique feelings/thoughts about “choosing” and not being “chosen”. Plus every single time I write...I cry....it is still automatic...as if you will be mad at my response. - That’s typical AP thinking- unlovable, unworthy, not good enough. Old thought patterns we need to question. Thais Gibson has great attachment videos on YouTube that I’ve found helpful to reestablish these thoughts. |
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Post by iz42 on Nov 11, 2019 21:07:54 GMT
happy birthday tnr9! I'm curious what it means for you to be "chosen" romantically. Have you ever been chosen by someone who you weren't interested in? Or is it more about wanting reciprocation from someone you are already choosing?
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 12, 2019 13:26:26 GMT
happy birthday tnr9! I'm curious what it means for you to be "chosen" romantically. Have you ever been chosen by someone who you weren't interested in? Or is it more about wanting reciprocation from someone you are already choosing? So...you pose some very interesting questions. There was this one guy...I don’t think he chose me....but i felt that he liked me and I did not like him....this was for a period before B and I journaled extensively about it....I had this visceral reaction throughout my body...like trying to forcefully push someone away. I put up mental walls and moats. Complete opposite of what I do when I am into someone. So, to answer you...it has to be someone I want to be chosen by....otherwise...it feels like pressure, an obligation, a control game. |
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Post by dhali on Nov 12, 2019 16:57:49 GMT
This is the FA deactivation. I get to a point where I just want to be left alone, and feel picked on.
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Post by dhali on Nov 12, 2019 18:28:43 GMT
It could be. But this happens to me as I start deactivating.
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Post by dhali on Nov 12, 2019 21:51:01 GMT
Well, in my experiences, I really don’t mind entering into a relationship. In fact it’s preferable. Being in one is also preferable. But when I’m in one, I start putting up barriers. As I said, I’m a soft fa. I do feel that, in the end, all you have is yourself. Maybe your kids. If you don’t f that up. So how do you then start taking other people bs?? Or nagging? Ugh leave me alone. I’m an adult, and don’t need anyone telling me how to live my life. I see all conflict (I don’t necessarily shy away from conflict, but I can’t really access what’s upsetting me, and an argument may get lost in my grasping at the unknown) as zero sum. It’s not, but I’m just starting to learn this. Outside of that, trust isn’t a big issue for me, as I tend to trust someone isn’t out to get me in a relationship. I just don’t see things the way they do, and don’t feel a need to change my viewpoint. It lacks empathy. But on the other hand, I feel as if empathy is missing for me and my position. Really, I’m impossible. If you dare dump a problem in my lap (eg jealousy), I’ll spike the ball at the net right back in your face. Don’t try to control me with your insecurities (never mind it being a chance to actually share intimacy and get to understand more about their fears and why they have them). I know how to be “intimate” with my true, but canned and honed, stories of my parents. I’m not actually being intimate because I don’t really connect to the story emotionally anymore. It’s just a way to falsely show depth. Anyhow, since conflict with me is probably extremely unsatisfactory because I won’t properly acknowledge (or recognize) my so’s emotional bids, conflict stops. I generally get my way with a bunch of on going nagging. Without the nagging I would have stayed in my marriage. Same with my longest relationship after divorce. I just can’t live with someone trying to control me. Or feeling like I am. If I’m left alone, then everything is dandy. Except no sex. So enjoy that. And I’m a guy.
Anyhow, once the nagging begins, it’s all over for me. Even though I’m the cause of the nagging.
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Post by dhali on Nov 12, 2019 22:06:06 GMT
I always thought deactivation happens later and just not being into someone happens at first. it’s not the person so much as the behavior. I’m fond of many of my ex’s. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 13, 2019 0:43:27 GMT
This is the FA deactivation. I get to a point where I just want to be left alone, and feel picked on. I don’t think I am FA....I just don’t think I handle “not being into someone” and dealing with boundary violations in a very mature way. This guy sent me a message through Facebook even though I have never interacted with him and we are not FB friends saying that he could see that I had a heart for a God that was missing in other women. I will admit I was neutral about him until that message...and then I felt invaded...like who was he to be watching me and how did him know anything about my heart? I honestly could not see a compliment in it at all..but instead saw an expectation that I could never meet and someone who did not see “me” at all but what he wanted to see. I developed a huge hatred towards him...a real disgust. And for a long time I was afraid that God would try to pair me up with him...and that just added all kinds of complexities of feelings about God to the mix. I think for most of my life...I haven’t really allowed myself to have feelings....I just get overwhelmed by them and then judge myself as my mom would and there would be a lot of shame in that. So I don’t think I am speaking to the same scenario that you are. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 13, 2019 0:47:53 GMT
Also...today I felt some anger towards B....which I think is really healthy stemming from what I think is a very valid question...why does his new gf get an emotionally available version of B when I got the emotionally unavailable version. My mom would say I was having a pity party and the world does not revolve around me...but in this case...I think it is healthy for me to start exploring this “loss” and finally get to the angry stage of it...even if it comes in fits and starts.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 13, 2019 0:54:19 GMT
Also...today I felt some anger towards B....which I think is really healthy stemming from what I think is a very valid question...why does his new gf get an emotionally available version of B when I got the emotionally unavailable version. My mom would say I was having a pity party and the world does not revolve around me...but in this case...I think it is healthy for me to start exploring this “loss” and finally get to the angry stage of it...even if it comes in fits and starts. - Why do you think the new gf has an emotionally available version of B? What evidence do you have to support this? |
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