Post by jollyorange on Jan 21, 2016 23:11:40 GMT
Hi Jeb,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 13 months. In October, I started looking for answers as to why I wasn't happy with our relationship even though he's a great guy. He would always say that he's an INTJ and that he needs a lot of alone time to recharge but I'm close with a dozen other INTJ's and he "needed" an excessive amount of time to himself. He would come home from work and want to just play computer/video games or read. When I was able to pull him away from his alone time he quickly got bored with whatever activity we would do together. He had been single for 10 years before we met so I figured he was just struggling to adjust to being in a relationship. We also experienced a hardship around sex, at first he had a very high sex drive which I was all for and then we got a puppy and didn't have sex for ~10 days and ever since we have been having sex only once or twice a week. This was a really drastic change for me, in all of my past serious relationships I've been used to having sex on average, once a day. I conceded quickly though because I don't want him to have pity sex with me. I only want to have sex with him when he actually wants to have sex with me or else it's just depressing. Then, I discovered love languages. My primary love language is "quality time" and with that I had a big ah-ha moment because it was clear that I wasn't getting much quality time and that was causing my lack of satisfaction. I had him take the quiz and surprise surprise, quality time was his number five (last) love language. At this point we both had a little freak out moment, how could we survive if what I need most is something he actually despises? I decided to try and spend more quality time with my friends and family while also searching the internet for ways to have a relationship with less quality time. Of course, the majority of sites online rave about how quality time is essential for all relationships but I did find one that asked "How much quality time?" and referenced attachment theory. This was a monumental finding, not only helping me understand where he's coming from but he also became a lot more aware of how he was creating distance. He decided at that time that he wanted to change and become more secure because he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life alone and he really does love me.
We have been working on our relationship since November and on the one hand we've made a lot of progress, we spend time together most days now. But, we are back to the initial issue of finding activities that we both enjoy that fulfill my need for quality time. This is proving quite difficult, especially because I know that he would rather be playing games on the computer instead of hanging out with me and that makes me sad. I try to keep this from him though because I know that he's out of his comfort zone because he's trying to become more secure. I recognize that in order for him to actually want to hang out with me I need to show him a good time but I'm struggling to be happy during this transition period. Do you have any advice for me? How can I show him that life in the real world is fun and worth his attention when he's starting off with the view that most activities are boring or a waste of time?
My boyfriend and I have been together for 13 months. In October, I started looking for answers as to why I wasn't happy with our relationship even though he's a great guy. He would always say that he's an INTJ and that he needs a lot of alone time to recharge but I'm close with a dozen other INTJ's and he "needed" an excessive amount of time to himself. He would come home from work and want to just play computer/video games or read. When I was able to pull him away from his alone time he quickly got bored with whatever activity we would do together. He had been single for 10 years before we met so I figured he was just struggling to adjust to being in a relationship. We also experienced a hardship around sex, at first he had a very high sex drive which I was all for and then we got a puppy and didn't have sex for ~10 days and ever since we have been having sex only once or twice a week. This was a really drastic change for me, in all of my past serious relationships I've been used to having sex on average, once a day. I conceded quickly though because I don't want him to have pity sex with me. I only want to have sex with him when he actually wants to have sex with me or else it's just depressing. Then, I discovered love languages. My primary love language is "quality time" and with that I had a big ah-ha moment because it was clear that I wasn't getting much quality time and that was causing my lack of satisfaction. I had him take the quiz and surprise surprise, quality time was his number five (last) love language. At this point we both had a little freak out moment, how could we survive if what I need most is something he actually despises? I decided to try and spend more quality time with my friends and family while also searching the internet for ways to have a relationship with less quality time. Of course, the majority of sites online rave about how quality time is essential for all relationships but I did find one that asked "How much quality time?" and referenced attachment theory. This was a monumental finding, not only helping me understand where he's coming from but he also became a lot more aware of how he was creating distance. He decided at that time that he wanted to change and become more secure because he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life alone and he really does love me.
We have been working on our relationship since November and on the one hand we've made a lot of progress, we spend time together most days now. But, we are back to the initial issue of finding activities that we both enjoy that fulfill my need for quality time. This is proving quite difficult, especially because I know that he would rather be playing games on the computer instead of hanging out with me and that makes me sad. I try to keep this from him though because I know that he's out of his comfort zone because he's trying to become more secure. I recognize that in order for him to actually want to hang out with me I need to show him a good time but I'm struggling to be happy during this transition period. Do you have any advice for me? How can I show him that life in the real world is fun and worth his attention when he's starting off with the view that most activities are boring or a waste of time?
