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Post by stayhappy on Nov 17, 2019 16:48:44 GMT
As a DA, do you get really physical tired after emotional conexion or even sex when it is “less” hot but more intimate?
You guys who have an avoidant partner, do you also experience the same thing like if great conexion makes your avoidant partner drain out energy?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2019 17:12:38 GMT
As a DA, do you get really physical tired after emotional conexion or even sex when it is “less” hot but more intimate? You guys who have an avoidant partner, do you also experience the same thing like if great conexion makes your avoidant partner drain out energy? Low energy can be part of my deactivation. |
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Post by stayhappy on Nov 17, 2019 17:56:41 GMT
As a DA, do you get really physical tired after emotional conexion or even sex when it is “less” hot but more intimate? You guys who have an avoidant partner, do you also experience the same thing like if great conexion makes your avoidant partner drain out energy? Low energy can be part of my deactivation. I don’t think my guy is very self aware of his avoidant tendencies so when I asked him about this low energy thing he just laughed and said “it’s not your fault, I’m just old!”. He was just 29 years so not that old. I don’t know if this is a part of his deactivation because I’m still aloud to stay physically close to him, but we are definitely staying home watching a movie so we don’t have to talk so much or go to bed really early because he pretty much can’t stay awake ☺️ |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2019 18:14:57 GMT
When I'm deactivating and low energy from over active parasympathetic system, I don't always need to be alone or push others away. I just am in a more subdued state. In fact, quietly resting in low pressure interactions with loved ones can help me restore myself. If I was around someone reactive to my subdued state and who felt threatened by it I would struggle, because really sometimes all I need is to have my state respected and allowed. We all have periods of high or low energy and time be allowed to rest when needed is really appreciated.
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Post by stayhappy on Nov 17, 2019 18:32:39 GMT
When I'm deactivating and low energy from over active parasympathetic system, I don't always need to be alone or push others away. I just am in a more subdued state. In fact, quietly resting in low pressure interactions with loved ones can help me restore myself. If I was around someone reactive to my subdued state and who felt threatened by it I would struggle, because really sometimes all I need is to have my state respected and allowed. We all have periods of high or low energy and time be allowed to rest when needed is really appreciated. Thanks from your point of view. I think I’m getting it but I have to read about parasympathetic system because it’s not a word I’m familiar with. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2019 18:56:17 GMT
stayhappy there is a little bit about that in the healing DA thread. Also anne12 has posted some about it in her threads about regulation exercises. The avoidant adaptation involves parasympathetic over activity, as opposed to sympathetic overactivity. This refers to the working of the autonomic nervous system. Peter Levine talks about the avoidant adaptation being low energy, somewhere on the internet lol.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 17, 2019 22:38:09 GMT
Yes, I observe this subdued behavior that is distancing w my DA. After spending time together, even as he’s preparing to walk me to the door, he gets quieter and pulls away. He always says nothing’s wrong and he’s tired, but it’s a pattern. After one in-depth conversation that I thought was really great w both of us sharing openly, he admitted after that the convo was a lot for him and he was exhausted. It seems like a physical exertion for him to be intimate and if I bring up an in-depth conversation he looks visibly uncomfortable.
Coming from an impulsive, irresponsible and immature ex-husband who acted like a child, I appreciate my DA’s mature, responsible and subdued personality, but I think the DA in him does create barriers and physical fatigue after being close. In my case, I think it’s probably best not to draw attention to it or it’ll will seem I’m criticizing him.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2019 2:07:26 GMT
yes. my ex would yawn during conversations that involved emotion/conflict/intimacy and immediately go to sleep after one. my current partner too, even though he's healing towards secure and is present during these conversations. i used to struggle massively with these periods of disconnection because I would want to take that time to repair and reconnect, but these days I just use that time to collect myself together and make sense of what has happened, and then we'll reconnect after he wakes up.
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