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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2019 2:12:38 GMT
So, over the weekend, I was out and about with my partner at a themed cafe, and something happened that made me real mad. There was a mother taking a photo of her child posing in front of all the cool stuff in the cafe, and the mother snapped at him constantly, telling him things like.. why do you smile like this? look happy? can you don't be so fake and be happy? the kid (who is probably 7) at some point just said, but I AM happy, and his face fell. I was so triggered and had to restrain myself from telling her off for being such an absolute bitch.
a large part of my childhood was being told I don't smile enough, I have alot of upper lip hair, when I smile I show too much gum etc etc. none of it was malicious, it's just passing comments that parents make, but it made me really self conscious about my face and how i smiled. till this day, i find it really hard to smile naturally or to take pretty photos like other girls seem to relish or laugh really naturally and happily, because I feel like such an ugly person doing that. when my ex told me that i look pretty when i smile, so i should smile more, i felt really resigned and empty because it just means that whether i smile or not i'm not pretty nor beautiful just the way I am. i have to smile more to be prettier, and when i smile, i'm weird looking. I'd like to be those girls who take pretty pictures of themselves and feel confident and happy in front of a camera, but i feel vulnerable and weird in front of a camera.
any of you had such experiences?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2019 2:18:37 GMT
I don't know that you're not beautiful without a smile  But humans are wired to respond positively to a smiling face. It may be much less about aesthetics and just about psychology. A smiling face is beautiful- we connect with each other on a deep level through our expressions. Maybe research that a little for that perspective it might make you feel a whole lot better about why someone would want you to smile. It can also be a way to say "I love you, and seeing your smile makes me happy. " When my partner smiles I feel deeply happy for him. And I do think he is handsome. It adds lightness and joy to the moment so it's beautiful. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2019 2:36:50 GMT
of course, i understand that. I'm fine with smiling.
my point is when i did smile and pose for the camera, i was repeatedly told when I was growing up that "it's not a nice smile, you should smile in this particular way, and it's so strange that you can't seem to be able to do it." and then being compared to other kids and how they pose well for the camera. that made me self conscious and weirded out about smiling, so I just don't do it very much or do it in a very restrained way. then i get told i don't smile enough and that resting bitch face I have is also unpleasing to the eye. basically, my face is unpleasant to the eyes, is what I am hearing. It's about being told what to do with your face when you are expressing your emotion naturally, ergo, the way you express your emotion is not "right" and "attractive". It's about being sent the message that my true natural emotional expressions are undesirable and my face needs fixing in order to express emotions because the priority is for other people's pleasure. my point is that the adult figures in my life did not appreciate my expressions of emotions as they were, but rather wanted them to fit a certain mould that prioritises how it would look to other people. this has led me to not smile too much because it's not pleasing to the eye, and being weirded out about expressing emotions in front of others. smiling is just an obvious one, because it's so common. Other emotions apply too - anger, disappointment, sadness.
I think my greater frustration is how the child was being told off for not being happy because his face was not arranged in the way the mother wanted it, and the contempt that was obvious in the mother's voice was really triggering. the kid was happy and smiling in his own way, but clearly he was told that that is not how happy looks and can he please for goodness sake smile like a normal happy person. it's about taking away his ability to express his emotions in his own way and dismissing his emotional state as "not there" because he didn't smile the way she wanted it.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2019 3:51:54 GMT
lol. indeed that's my smile. I've also been commented on like this as well - asking me to smile then commenting that i look weird when i did. for me, smiling is an expression of vulnerability around someone and welcoming them into my space, and to be told that is weird/ugly sounded to me like my welcome is not quite appreciated nor desirable. As an adult, i'm much more aware of these things and I no longer take it personally, but I had often wondered why I can't seem to be as expressive or natural as some of my other friends. I feel very awkward by my own emotional expressions, the bigger the more awkward, even if it was laughing.
Sometimes it's in good faith from friends because they know I'm covering up awkwardness, sometimes it's just adults being a complete douchebag about how they want me to look for their sake. that's the part that annoys me - the lack of body autonomy and the refusal to accept expressions that are less than ideal. I'm asian, and from what i've observed, commenting on your face and how ugly that smile is is quite a normal thing, and it makes me so annoyed.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2019 4:33:42 GMT
I'm happy to smile because it does make me happy as well as make people I love happy, like what @inmourning said. Absolutely! My annoyance with being asked to smile is in part feminist, but more of just stemming from the trigger around being told to smile AND being told my smile is ugly. lol. I think watching the mother throw shade on her son and his smile/face when he was obviously happy was upsetting because it reminded me of how my upbringing involved alot of policing of my emotional expressions on the basis that it was not pleasing; what is an act of love and intimacy to and for his mother is now being criticized harshly by his mother, and that is very sad to see. and suffice to say, the mother doesn't smile very much or happily either?!
On a more cognitive level, I wonder how much of this emotional expression policing contributed to an insecure attachment style. @janedoe, I also am attracted to relatively expressionless, serious looking types, in part because I find explicit emotional expressions very stressful (too big, too awkward) and in part because I am better/more comfortable at judging their emotional states than those who are expressive. I dont know what to do with all the emotion!
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But humans are wired to respond positively to a smiling face. It may be much less about aesthetics and just about psychology. A smiling face is beautiful- we connect with each other on a deep level through our expressions. Maybe research that a little for that perspective it might make you feel a whole lot better about why someone would want you to smile. It can also be a way to say "I love you, and seeing your smile makes me happy. "