deliberate cruelty or just indifference, and does it matter?

Yeah - why do people do, what they do ? We can't really know.

It sounds like it has been an unpleasant experience for you.

If you make assumptions, it can put you in the victim role. You cant REALLY know what the other was thinking, why the other person did what he/she did.

What can maybe help you to "shake the experience off", so that you do not get stuck, is this exercise :

Two chair anger exercise:

Put your ex or another person on a chair in your room.

Do the two chair exercise.

1)
Say out loud: (even if it feels wierd)

What did she say, do, dident do, dident say ?
Be concrete
Do not make assumptions, because this puts you in the victim role. You can't REALLY know, what the other person was thinking, why the other person did what he/she did.

Example:
I am angry at you that you went to the bar the other night.
I am angry at you that you brought your new girlfriend to the bar.
I am angry at you that you wrote.....at the bathroom wall
Ect.

(Other examples to get inspired:
I am angry about all the times you just left the room when I was talkning to you
I am angry at you That You critised my looks
I am angry at you All the times that you asked me why do you do This and that...
Ect.)

How does it feel in your body ex. Is your heart pondering, what happens in your stomac, your throath ect.
Stay with the sensations.

2) Then allow your body to do what the body wants you to do.(kick, push, spit, shake ect.)

Say: "I am so angry at you that I just want to shake you..." Do the movement in slowmotion. Or hit her in slowmotion. Or kick with a flexed foot in slow motion ect. Or push your arms out in front of you like if you are setting a boundarie the way a child would do, who can not speak yet.

How does it feel in your body now?
Is there a shift in your body/in your breathing ?

By doing this, you will get back into power.

It's a process you can use as a detox 5-10 minutters every day for 30 Days.
This connects to your unconcious.
Be precise, concrete, be carefull that you do not talk as a victim. Your old part of your brain only understands simple facts without assumptions.

If this exercise builds up your anger after one week, then look at your sentences and change them.

It is just about getting started.....
Before getting started you can say to the sadness, that it is okay, sadness you are allowed to be here right now that You are here...ect.
Okay worry you are also allowed to be here right Now
Okay anger you are allowed to be here right now

Just allow what ever feeling/sensation that is coming up.

This exercise will get your nerveussystem to land and release some of your lifeenergy.

Anger is just natural, when we do not get our needs met or when our boundaries are not respected/or we have forgotten to set boundaries.

Do you think that one of your friends would be angry, if they were you ?

IT is not about rage, hitting pillows, screaming ect. This will only build up more anger, and it is not about building up anger but about getting the anger transformed into lifeenergy.

If you are getting angry at yourself:
It can be like poison if you are angry at yourself and it can drain your lifeenergy. Every time you are getting angry at yourself do the above exercise instead.

If You are getting overwhelmed or starting feeling some angst/anxiety, then pause and do the water tank exercise.
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-regulation-exercises-ect

We do not heal when we are getting overwhelmed.

Be aware of your breathing, grunding to the chair whith your seat knots, legs and feet on the floor. Fell the sensations in your body, the shift in you breathing aso.

If You are sad you can do this before you do the anger exercise:

The first step is that you allow yourself to feel your feelings. That you use the paradoxical change method. Say directly to the feeling, the thought or the reaction - just inside yourself:

"It's ok, hurt and sadness, you are allowed be here right now"

By allowing you BOTH the negative and positive aspects - then you can enter your center, where you are in balance and have got the greatest strength, self-esteem and love!

You use the anger exercise to get your life energy back. To come back into your own power.

You get rid of the energy that blocks you and  that is asociatedd with your frustration, your abandonment, , your VICTIM role, your selfblaming and selfabandoment, which would otherwise drain your self esteem/yourselfworth ect.

If it is difficult for you to know if you are angry, you can check in with you body - are you feeling heavy, drained, like you have given up, you ask why does this happen to me, you blame yourself ect.

You can try out the exercises and see what happens. 5-10  min. Say it out loud even if you do not feel angry at all. With tiny steps little by little there usually will be a shift in your body. Maybe you've got a wrong idea about, what anger is supposed to look and feel like..

This sounds good:
 "I am angry that you dumped me out of the blue. I am angry that you had someone else on deck, and lied and told me you didn't.(if you know that this is true) I am angry that you hang out in my favorite bar with the woman you left me for. I am angry you left a lovenote in the ladies room (where I was sure to see it?)."

Just try to say this out loud while you imagine your ex sitting Infront of you, while feeling your seat knots, legs and feet and the chair supporting you.

What do you feel in your body ?

You use anger as lifeenergy to reach out for you want and need and by saying no to what you do not want. Therefore anger in it's purest form is like gold and lifeenergy when you are using it the right way.

Do not say this to yourself: ...but I shouldn't let it bother me....and try not to be frustrated at yourself and blame yourself.

Also the watertank exercise and the kick exercise, the boundarie exercise ect. are also very good exercises.

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/984/lifeenergy-back-anger-exercises-meditations

All the people we are angry with are walking around with some of our lifeenergy. They just don't know  about this. they have moved on. But you can get stuck.

jebkinnison.boards.net/thread/1907/given

Maybe you need more time to grieve the loss:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1169/healing-broken-before-changing-partner

Hi Lovebunny,

I agree that your feelings are perfectly understandable and reasonable. They might feel like a lot to deal with, considering the extent of her betrayal and how that affects self worth and trust. But it would be kinder to yourself to give them the legitimacy they deserve. The girl abandoned you, lied to you, cheated, and has no regard for your feelings (or finances) whatsoever. Don't abandon yourself just because she has.

Please know that you are irreplaceable. 







 

It has been over 2 years and I am not over B....I actually had to leave the community we both attended because I could not see him week after week after week.....he had moved on and wanted to act like platonic friends while looking for a new girlfriend in the group.  I abandoned a leadership role that I loved because I just could not be around him...it still hurts and I still feel embarrassed....but...I am proud that I did something for me to take care of myself.  I think timeframes to get over someone are arbitrary and oftentimes people just move from person to person and do not address their underlying issues....and that is no better.  Are you in therapy?  Therapy has been really amazing for me....no expectations from my therapist about letting B go...we are not even focused on him right now.