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Post by hayls1994 on Nov 28, 2019 20:51:27 GMT
Hello everyone! I apologize in advance that this is going to be quite a lengthy post, so I assure anyone that reads it that they won't have to read it all! I'm just curious if anyone else with Anxious Preoccupied deals/has dealt with this in their relationships!  So as I've posted on here before, I'm in a long distance relationship with a wonderful 24 year old man from Florida (I'm 25 and living in the UK). He is so loving, caring, sweet, smart, funny and compassionate, and understands what I go through and is always here for me, supporting me the best he can. Back in September of 2017 a horrible hurricane hit Florida, and exactly where he lives at. This is when my anxiety started to get worse as it was a very traumatizing experience for us both. Luckily the hurricane wasn't as devastating as the media made out and my boyfriend and his family were safe, but his power did go out and during that time my anxiety was at its worst! After this I became extra clingy to him, more than ever, even though I managed to move past the trauma from the hurricane. But just recently, this past 2 days I've been re-reading our old conversations on skype, since that's how we've talked since we met pretty much, and I especially read our conversations before, during and after the hurricane, and it's felt like I've been re-living the trauma, I've been experiencing very similar feelings to the ones I felt when the event was happening, and not only this, but after re-reading all of our old conversations in general, it's caused me to feel very emotional, sad, tearful and kind of depressed and I've been feeling painfully clingy to my boyfriend since, and it's like the fears I have of losing him have been worse than ever  I don't know how to explain the feeling, but my anxiety has been pretty bad because of it. I've had this conversation with my boyfriend, and he has been incredibly understanding and amazingly supportive and reassuring through it all and it does relieve my anxiety to an extent before I get the urge to read more of our messages. It's like I get mixed emotions about them, I feel a mix of happiness and sadness reading them, it's like I miss those days so much but at the same time I'm happy with how our relationship has evolved and I wouldn't want things any other way than they are right now, I'm just feeling sad that those times are gone I guess is any of this common with AP? to not be able to let go of the past? I just find it hard to let go, and I let it cause me to feel very down and depressed! |
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Post by iz42 on Nov 28, 2019 21:44:43 GMT
Sorry you're struggling hayls1994 . To me, this sounds like PTSD, which is something that can be treated with therapy and medication. You will likely need to see someone who specializes in trauma, not an occupational therapist. It may be related to your fear of abandonment, but it sounds like the hurricane might have triggered a trauma response for you, and that's why you're having these intense feelings. Others may disagree, but this doesn't quite sound like typical AP behavior to me. It also seems complicated due to the fact that you're in a relationship with someone who you've never met in person (I remember that's what you said in a previous post - correct me if I'm wrong). If this is the case, it means that all of your interactions are online or on the phone, which could create room for anxiety and rumination with no actual time spent together. Can I ask whether you're interested in making plans to meet him at any point? |
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Post by hayls1994 on Nov 29, 2019 9:49:44 GMT
Hey there iz42, thank you so much for taking the time to reply, it really means alot!  I can honestly agree with you about my behaviors being more related to PTSD rather than AP, as I've been AP for most of my life and never experienced these kinds of feelings before the Hurricane! I definitely feel that the event triggered a trauma response and explains why I'm experiencing these feelings right now after reading back on our messages during the event. I must say though, I continued to read the rest of our messages all through the rest of 2017 to this year, and I've been feeling so down, tearful and unbearably anxious because of it, I'm finding it very hard to let go of those memories as I've seen how much things have changed, of course things are much better in the way we communicate now as back then we only typed to one another and now we Skype call all the time. I just don't know, my fear of losing him has gotten pretty severe this past few days because I've seen how much he's changed, it feels like he's not as expressive as he used to be about his love for me and there's just things he would do back then that he doesn't do anymore and I guess that's what's made me so emotional! And I would honestly love more than anything to meet him in real life, but my boyfriend doesn't feel ready, he's not comfortable with the idea and that's completely understandable given his circumstances! |
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Post by iz42 on Nov 29, 2019 19:21:50 GMT
Wow that sounds really painful. I’m so sorry! A first step would be to try to avoid reading through old messages — the best you can. I know it’s easier said than done. And then perhaps look for someone you can talk to about this in a therapy setting. I’m not sure I understand what you mean about his circumstances and his discomfort about meeting in person. Do you mean his trauma from the hurricane?
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Post by hayls1994 on Nov 29, 2019 20:56:02 GMT
I absolutely agree with you iz42! I should definitely try to avoid reading through old messages, I mean I've managed not to look at any today, despite still feeling very low I guess as long as I keep up with not reading them, the feelings will slowly go away won't they? And by his circumstances, I meant he has social anxiety (just like I do) which makes it difficult for him to meet unfortunately! I mean I have it too, and am incredibly anxious and nervous at the thought of meeting, but at the same time I know that in order for our relationship to last and be completely healthy, meeting is a must! he tells me he doesn't know if he'll ever be comfortable to meet... I don't know We do have other problems in the relationship, but I feel it's irrelevant to what I'm posting here about right now, and I don't want to overwhelm anyone by listing off our problems (which definitely contribute to my anxiety and the fears of losing him)! Again, thank you so much for understanding and for all the advice iz42! I'll definitely try and resist the urge to read through the old messages and seek out therapy for this if it's possible. |
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Post by iz42 on Nov 29, 2019 21:08:20 GMT
Of course! I hope others will weigh in as well.
You might give some thought to what you really want in a relationship, and whether you'll be ok with this situation even if he never wants to meet in person.
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Post by iz42 on Nov 30, 2019 21:01:59 GMT
Do you have anyone else in your life you can talk to about this? It sounds really hard.
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Post by hayls1994 on Dec 1, 2019 12:16:38 GMT
Hey there iz42, good afternoon! Unfortunately, I don't have anyone else to turn to who quite understands what I'm going through or how badly it's affecting my life! Whoever I've talked to about this, the responses I've gotten haven't been very helpful, such as "if you're feeling that bad, you'll have to end the relationship" ... and they're aware I have an attachment problem! Before the hurricane event, my attachment anxiety was minimal, I had more control of it back then and it didn't make life as hard to live... but now I don't know if it could get any worse, I'm anxious and on edge all day everyday and it's almost impossible to live my life normally. I don't sleep for more than 3 hours lately and if I do I'm repeatedly waking up, I have nightmares, I cry almost everyday, my appetite is up and down so I don't even eat some days, and my weight is pretty low as a result I find it hard to be happy outside the relationship, I'm unable to enjoy time with family, and whenever I go out anywhere I'm unable to enjoy it as I'm on edge, shaking with anxiety to get home and be on my computer as I'm worried about him not being there due to something happening to him (or him leaving me)! I'm aware that this is incredibly unhealthy, I really am, and I just wish it wasn't so hard to come out of, and that there was more people like you who understand how serious it is... In all honesty, I do feel that I'd be much happier and much less anxious if we were together in person, but I've been respecting his feelings too and hoping that one day, it'll be something he really wants. I guess what doesn't help my anxiety, is knowing that if something was to happen to him, I'll have no way of knowing. He's never been able to tell his family about me as he feels they will hold me against him in arguments and this makes him anxious, so because of this, he can't give me his mobile phone number just in case his parents see it, and of course I wouldn't be able to contact them... so if something happens I'll be left hanging. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 1, 2019 14:30:21 GMT
Hi there and welcome to the forums...I think it is the thought of “not knowing’ which is causing you stress rather then the actual event itself. Feeling disconnected can cause the nervous system to go into a tailspin of warning bells. If you are not already in therapy...I highly recommend that you speak to someone professionally about this. Florida is hurricanes prone....we are used to that here in the states...just like certain states are prone to tornados or fires.
I also have a concern that you have no way to contact him via the fact that he will not provide his mobile number. If he is dating you, there really should be no limits on communication and the way he currently has this set up...he has complete control on contact.
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Post by hayls1994 on Dec 1, 2019 16:48:36 GMT
Hey there tnr9, thank you so much for the welcome and your response! I honestly think you're absolutely right that it's the thought of not knowing that's causing me stress rather than the event itself, I really do. If I know what's happening and that he's alright I can go about my day and concentrate on other things. When he's at work, I worry terribly that something bad is going to happen to him and before the hurricane event, I never had these feelings, I never worried to this extent... I just don't know, it's that bad that unless I'm in contact with him and know what's going on and that he's alright, I'm constantly on edge. And I also feel that I need to speak to a professional about this, and just wish it was that easy to find one! I was seeing an occupational therapist but recently got discharged as the sessions are completed... that was for social anxiety though. I also had a follow up appointment with a doctor down the center I had therapy at, and he didn't seem to understand the severity of my anxiety or even know what attachment anxiety was! I had to explain it to him, and he had this confused look on his face the whole time and downplayed it! And yep, he has complete control on contact. He has my phone number and my mother added on skype, so if anything happens to me, he's able to contact my family. I'm going to be honest now... his social anxiety isn't the only reason he doesn't want to meet up, it's also because he doesn't want to leave his family, he says he'd never be able to survive without them, so I just don't know. |
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Post by iz42 on Dec 1, 2019 21:11:39 GMT
That sounds really unfair that he has your number and you don’t have his. If I were in your situation I would be anxious too! It all seems a little odd. Why would his family members be closely monitoring his phone? If he’s so worried about leaving them, couldn’t you go visit him instead? Something doesn’t quite add up. I would say that it’s possible that your anxious instincts are like alarm bells telling you that there’s something wrong here and this situation isn’t really working for you. I wonder if someone else in the UK might know how you would go about finding an attachment therapist or trauma therapist?
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Post by hayls1994 on Dec 3, 2019 11:41:25 GMT
Hey there iz42, nice hearing from you again, I hope you're doing well! Do you know something? I honestly never realized until now how unfair it was that he has my number and my mum added on skype, while I have no other way of contact other than his skype and discord And honestly, the situation with his parents is very complicated... he tells me he doesn't want to risk them seeing the number if they happened to look at his phone at any point, and he is terrified of introducing me to them as he feels they'll use me against him in arguments... so I really don't know, he has been introduced to my family though and they know all about him. Honestly, I've offered to be the one to fly out there to florida and he's begged me not to, he says he wouldn't be able to leave his house to come and meet me anywhere, so even if I wanted to, which I do and would despite my social anxiety, I couldn't because he won't allow me to. And I honestly think you might just be right about my anxious instincts being alarm bells telling me that there's something about this situation (and others which I haven't mentioned yet) that isn't working for me! And I don't know of anyone here where I am who'd know how to go about finding an attachment therapist honestly, it's seemed that none of the psychologists, psychiatrists and doctors here are even educated on the issue! |
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Post by iz42 on Dec 4, 2019 4:55:51 GMT
I don't know the whole situation, but from what you've said, there are quite a few red flags. I would say that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who you can meet in person - that seems important. I know social anxiety is tough and it probably helps to interact online, but it sounds like this situation is making your life really difficult. It's true that he might decide that he's ready to meet at some point, but it's hard to know when that might be and how long you will have to wait. It all seems quite painful. How long have you been in this relationship? Do you think you want to continue dating him even if you never meet irl? I'm not sure where you are located but you can do a search like this on psychology today: www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/attachment-based/england. |
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Post by hayls1994 on Dec 9, 2019 0:53:23 GMT
Exactly iz42! It's the question of how long I'll have to wait for him to decide he wants to meet up! I'll be turning 26 in february, so I'm not getting any younger! I fear that I'll have no chance of meeting anyone in real life as I'll be a much older woman before he decides he wants to meet. It has me tearing up and feeling extremely sad when I see real life couples together on facebook and on the streets as I know that I may never get to experience that kind of closeness, especially with the man I love... and I've never been in a real life relationship either, so it'd be a new experience for me! And we've been in this relationship for 2 years and 7 months, it'll be 3 years next May. And honestly, I've been told by family that if we never meet, the relationship won't last... My mum told me that at least one of us will want more and become unhappy, and I've a feeling it's going to be me since he's perfectly fine with the relationship staying online... I mean I am too, it's just I do have days where it hits me that I may never get to experience a proper relationship with him, it is very painful! |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2019 5:44:06 GMT
Exactly iz42! It's the question of how long I'll have to wait for him to decide he wants to meet up! I'll be turning 26 in february, so I'm not getting any younger! I fear that I'll have no chance of meeting anyone in real life as I'll be a much older woman before he decides he wants to meet. It has me tearing up and feeling extremely sad when I see real life couples together on facebook and on the streets as I know that I may never get to experience that kind of closeness, especially with the man I love... and I've never been in a real life relationship either, so it'd be a new experience for me! And we've been in this relationship for 2 years and 7 months, it'll be 3 years next May. And honestly, I've been told by family that if we never meet, the relationship won't last... My mum told me that at least one of us will want more and become unhappy, and I've a feeling it's going to be me since he's perfectly fine with the relationship staying online... I mean I am too, it's just I do have days where it hits me that I may never get to experience a proper relationship with him, it is very painful! it's just I do have days where it hits me that I may never get to experience a proper relationship with him, it is very painful >> this is all the information you need. These small little pain episodes peek through your general mood, and IS telling you something. that you DO want more, maybe this want is not super strong yet or you are not really letting that want surface or you are not very aware of this want, but the fact is that it's starting to come out and indicates that there is a misalignment between what you desire and what you have. I'm not saying that what you want is to meet him, but i think these difficult feelings that are surfacing for you are signs that you need to look into yourself and decide what needs to be changed to fulfil a greater path than the one you are currently on. I think that these pain points, from a personal point of view, are indications of things that are out of balance, and you need to figure out what those are and growth is right there waiting for you! good luck. |
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I don't know how to explain the feeling, but my anxiety has been pretty bad because of it. I've had this conversation with my boyfriend, and he has been incredibly understanding and amazingly supportive and reassuring through it all and it does relieve my anxiety to an extent before I get the urge to read more of our messages. It's like I get mixed emotions about them, I feel a mix of happiness and sadness reading them, it's like I miss those days so much but at the same time I'm happy with how our relationship has evolved and I wouldn't want things any other way than they are right now, I'm just feeling sad that those times are gone I guess 
