|
|
Post by jaleesa on Aug 13, 2017 16:05:10 GMT
Hi everyone.
So my ex and I recently broke up after a relationship of 5 years. This relationship was very painful to me so it's good it's over, but I feel devastated right now and I didnt get any answers from him, so my own research brought me here.
We lived together for 4 years but he's always been very distant. I didnt see this back then but I always felt something wasnt quite right. He was a workaholic and always had better things to do and his friends always came first. This may sound insane and I feel so ashamed for it, but at one point I was even jealous of his brothers dog, because he did get the attention I would've wanted. On top of that he was a drug addict and he was in financial debts, he even left me in debts without any remorse.
The only ambition he has in life is becoming a billionaire but he was sooo irresponsible with money all the time. The choices he made in his life made me really crazy and insecure about our future. He once gave me a watch as a present and I felt like I was in heaven because he never gave me presents, only to find out 2 years later he cheated on me a week before he'd given me the watch. He ruined vacations by constantly flirting with other women. He gave me silent treatments or stonewalled me during/after every argument and I now know for a fact he has alexithymia, so having a normal conversation was impossible. A conversation with a brick wall would have been more useful. He never apologized. Ever. He never wanted to hold my hand or give me a hug. He couldn't say he'd missed me when I returned from vacation. Whenever I was sad, sick or needed his support, I couldn't count on him. I have never felt so lonely in my entire life.
I found out a month ago that he cheated on me again. This was also the reason we broke up. He immediately started to date and live with the woman he cheated on me with after we broke up. She has kids and wants to marry one day. He hates kids and marriage!! So I really don't get it and I feel like garbage.. The last year of our relationship was just so exhausting. I was constantly stressed out and I got depressed myself. Whenever I tried to talk he always said he was fine, but he devalued me big time and I just couldn't understand. He even started to slap me in my face during sex and I completely froze.
At one point I truly started to believe he's a sociopath or a narcissist. I bought everything for him. His clothes, his phone, his car. He manipulated me with sad stories about his past so I would solve his problems, but on the other hand I could also see it was very difficult for him to ask for help. And he just left me for another woman. After everything Ive done for him.
So what do you guys think? Does this sound like an DA? Do you think I could have prevented this? Do you think he's happy with his new girlfriend? Is this my fault? I would say I'm an AP and I read a lot about this dynamic, but I can't help but wonder what would've happened if I had been more secure or avoidant myself. I still love him so much and he's just living life like I never even existed.
Thank you so much.
|
|
Betty
New Member
Posts: 36 
|
Post by Betty on Aug 13, 2017 17:32:36 GMT
Hi Jalessa,
I just read your post and it broke my heart. I'm so so so sorry that you went through all of that. It is truly heartbreaking.
I want to start off by saying that I myself, was in a relationship with a fearful avoidant. It is a little different, as they crave Intimacey and fear it at the same time. But they have the same tendencies as a dismissive, so I am just going by my experience and what I have come to learn.
I was in a 2 year relationship with my ex, and the first 6 months were bliss. After that, he began distancing himself and I felt it was me. I felt unheard, unseen and unappreciated. He never cheated on me, but neglected me and put work and other people ahead of me. He too, is obsessed with money gurus and building himself an empire. At first I found it attractive that he had so much ambition. But I see it differently now.
The feelings that you are going thru are very normal. Please I encourage you to do alot of reading and research on the patterns and behaviours. You were the closest person to him. That in itself is the scariest and most frightening thing ever to them. Even if they don't know It on a conscious level. They are terrified of anybody really knowing or seeing them. Usually there was some sort of trauma in their life when they were children (neglect, abuse, etc) that shaped the way they view Intimacey and love. It is not your fault at all.
Read Jebs book, and also read attached and wired for love. While I was going through my breakup, it was a huge eye opener for me.
It's sounds like your boyfriend was using distancing strategies, to keep you at arms length. Cheating, introducing another person into the relationship, putting work or friends etc before your relationship, not reslolving conflicts, all are things they do to minimize the threat of being close.
It's a horrible feeling for the partner. They don't understand and often blame themselves. I am going through the same thing. I love my ex dearly, but realize he is beyond my help (He was sexually abused as child, wont go get help and thinks he is fine and unaffected)
Please I know it's hard, but do not blame yourself. It is not your fault that he cheated on you. So many people out there just tell you to forget him and move on. But yet you have to grieve, you invested time and energy into him. And the first step in the is to heal and do things for yourself. Self care is the first step. It takes a long time.
It helps me alot to be on this forum, also other forums where I can u understand better. Looking into my own nature of how I contributed to the break down and didn't see or understand. So there is alot to it that will come with time. Do your research that will help you come to terms with who he is and why.
Wishing you all the best xoxo
|
|
|
|
Post by jaleesa on Aug 13, 2017 18:42:23 GMT
Thank you Becky! This means a lot to me. How are you doing right now? May I ask you why you and your ex broke up? Wishing you all the best too!
My ex grew up with an alcoholic mother and his biological father was absent for a very long time. His stepfather abused him physically for years. I still feel sad for him and he talked about this once in awhile, but I couldn't understand how he could treat me like this when everyone else in his life has always let him down. It didnt make sense to me at all and I never ever thought his behavior could be linked to fear. Now I feel guilty..
Still it's really hard to not take blame for this. He always called me crazy and he even said I manipulated him whenever I was crying. He was so hostile all the time, so it pretty much feels like I'm brainwashed. After 5 years I'm finally putting all the pieces together. I just feel like I don't really know him. We had all of these big plans and it never became reality. Like it was all a lie so he could lead me on. And now he's with this girl with kids when he doesn't even like kids and she's just so completely different from me. So even if it was fear; does this mean she's better than me? Or that it was all a lie because he's not capable to love? Or was he always searching for a better fit behind my back?
|
|
Betty
New Member
Posts: 36
|
Post by Betty on Aug 13, 2017 18:56:43 GMT
My ex and I broke up because I couldn't handle his silence and withdrawal. We broke up last December, we were living together in another province (I am in canada) and I felt very alone and couldn't understand why he couldn't open up to me anymore. I realize I am an AP, which means I'm hyper sensitive to when someone withdraws, and am always worried somebody is going to leave. It's not healthy either, so I have been in councilling since Jan. It's been so helpful and I have learned so much! Since then my ex and I have met up several times, as we are both back in my hometown. He is extremely distant emotionally and keeps me at an arms length. It hurts, and I'm currently working through it. Thanks for asking.
It sounds to be like ur ex cannot be alone. If he is with somebody already and has even stated he doesn't like kids, then he obviously needs the distraction/crutch. this has absoultey nothing to do with to u!!! It is his own insecurities following him around. A person who is healthy and really understanding of relationships, knows that even if one didn't work out, they need to grieve and take some introspective time for what they need/want for themselves. It sounds like ur guy is an escapist. They always have an out, and they always have an exit strategy. If you read Jebs book it says that without one they feel even more trapped and smothered.
From what you have said, he has cheated on you multiple times. This of course would effect your self esteem. Dismissives, from what I have read and have seen, like to keep you insecure. That's why the don't resolve conflicts or keep you in the loop. Connection and real intimacy goes beyond grand gestures and romance. It's hard work. And it's scary to be seen. APs and secures have that in common, they risk to be seen and risk to be in the relationship.
It is not your fault. Unfortunately, I cannot comment on what you had with your man was real. Only you and he knows that. It does sound like he tried to create distance and keep you there. It's painful I know. And while you may think he is playing happy family right now, unless he goes and seeks help or talks to a professional, the pattern will just repeat, with anybody.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2017 22:49:38 GMT
Hi Jaleesa,
I'm really, really sorry to read what you've gone through. It sounds like you're doing all the right things and taking care of yourself with counselling which is great.
By what you've described it sounds your ex has narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists can have similar traits of dismissive avoidant attachment style, but the abuse (emotional and physical) you describe above is way outside of attachment disorder.
You might find some extra support and good advice on forums for people coming out of relationships with narcissists. Be well.
|
|
|
|
Post by jaleesa on Aug 14, 2017 8:22:21 GMT
Oh wow, really? What do you think is the difference? I know he has narcissistic traits but I would have never considered him a fullblown narcissist. I don't recognize the grandiosity and the need for admiration. At least it wasn't overt. He was confident but also more.. Shy or dependant or something. I can't really explain. Or is it like a spectrum? Thank you for your answer!
Jeb, I'm curious, what are your thoughts on this?
Becky, so good you're doing counselling! Do you think you guys can work it out?
|
|
|
|
Post by jaleesa on Aug 14, 2017 9:54:38 GMT
Does this sound like narcissistic personality disorder?
He avoided conflict because he didn't like drama, but on the other hand he did things that provoked conflict, such as lying or withholding information, flirting with other women, 'forgetting' to pick me up or refusing to pay his bills. It's not like he always blamed me for it. Sometimes he did, but it was more like he always had an excuse and he would call me crazy or too emotional whenever I confronted him or didn't believe him. Taking responsibility for his own actions was never an option in his world.
He's never been really overtly aggressive and he never got angry out of the blue, but he could be extremely hostile and passive-aggressive. In 5 years we've never had a "problemsolving" conversation. We always ended up arguing about the way we argued and he completely ignored the real issue. No exceptions. It always escalated and he always walked away. Sometimes he didn't even come home at night.
Also I never received any feedback from him, not even when I asked for it. He always said everything was fine, although I felt something wasn't right. Communicating with him was exhausting, so I ended up walking on eggshells and depressed. I constantly felt like a ticking timebomb that could explode any second. At the time I was convinced I had borderline personality disorder and that it was all my fault, because my emotions were all over the place and I had this extreme fear of him abandoning me. I'm not like that in any other relationship though, I'm usually very calm and not clingy at all. I would rather call myself secure or slightly avoidant in friendships.
I've heard from mutual friends that my ex said that I was only with him for his money and that I exploited him financially. Hes always been in financial debts because he refused to pay his own bills. I even tried to help him with this, so how could he say I exploited him!? I only feel like he's exploited me and it feels so unfair.
There were soooo many incidents, I can seriously write a book about it. I still don't know what happened here or what is wrong with me. I do think I definitely have to work on myself and I take full responsibility for my part. But I just feel so brainwashed? My head feels like I'm disoriented or something. I'm so sorry for my long story but I'm desperately looking for answers. Thank you for reading thus.
|
|
Betty
New Member
Posts: 36
|
Post by Betty on Aug 14, 2017 16:03:34 GMT
Jalessa,
I don't think we can work it out no. I did, all year I have been chasing that dream. But, I have to realize that I don't think he is capable of ever giving me what I need.
He will not admit that he needs to see someone about his trauma. He doesn't connect his actions to what happened to him or how it shaped him. He doesn't see that. He refuses to talk about anything emotional. So unless he opens up and let's me back in again, it won't work.
I think alot of dismissives and fearful avoidants have narcissistic tendencies. Everybody is different of course. Some of them it's a copying mechanism. Others it's fully ingrained in them.
I'm not sure which your ex is. I hope Jeb can maybe provide more info on this for you.
It's tough when you start to see those things, we don't want to believe our partners are capable of such things. I hope doing reading and talking with people on this forum comforts you, as it does with me.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2017 5:12:35 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by jaleesa on Aug 15, 2017 10:46:46 GMT
Okay wow. Thank you. I recognize everything, especially the second website. This is weird. I didn't even know a covert narcissist existed.. But he didn't lovebomb me and that's very typical of a narcissist right? It was intense and he wanted to be with me 24/7 in the beginning, but it wasn't a constant stream of attention and gifts and everything. And his "abuse" didn't start from one day to the next. It was all very subtle and sneaky. It became obvious when I stopped doing things for him after 4 years. This is when I became suspicious because he would often just lash out for no reason.
I don't know.. I hope Jeb can shine a light on this. I'm really confused right now.
|
|
