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Post by nyc718 on Nov 30, 2019 14:17:35 GMT
A friend of mine is dealing with healing from a deeply dysfunctional relationship. She has been in deep despair for the past few months, and I have been there in the past so I very much understand. What I have been trying to help her with is that the anxiety she is feeling is not necessarily about the man she is trying to get over, but rather that the anxiety she is feeling is from unresolved past trauma, and that she is attaching her current situation to that anxiety she is feeling. The body feels anxiety and doesn't know the difference where it's coming from, whether from the past or current unresolved issues. So my friend, while logically and intellectually fully understanding that the man she was with is not a good partner for her, emotionally she can't stop ruminating over him, their relationship, all the things she would have changed, said, on and on etc. It's a loop she can't get out of. But she found this video which I feel explains a lot of what I have been trying to tell her. I hope it's helpful to anyone here, and I will also post it in Fearful Avoidant because I feel that's where it will also be helpful. In short, all a feeling (anxiety) can do is cause a sensation in your body, that's it. It's the thoughts we attach to our feelings that can get us stuck, hopeless, worried, etc. (This is from an Instagram page @bobbyjodearnley) It is a connection that I had made a little while back, and it has helped me immensely in my own healing and wellness. Once I understood that, it was like I was set free. I hope this video helps explain it better to you. Be well. www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4N0UDijV5c |
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Nov 30, 2019 15:54:10 GMT
Thank you for sharing. I saw this video months ago, but now I can understand it better, because I have learned more about myself and what is going on.
This is exactly what I am experiencing. The constant obsessing thoughts, from I wake up to I go to bed, and during most of the day. I call it the P in AP. I am mainly secure, don't feel too anxious, but am obsessing over this man.
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Post by nyc718 on Nov 30, 2019 16:25:24 GMT
Thank you for sharing. I saw this video months ago, but now I can understand it better, because I have learned more about myself and what is going on. This is exactly what I am experiencing. The constant obsessing thoughts, from I wake up to I go to bed, and during most of the day. I call it the P in AP. I am mainly secure, don't feel too anxious, but am obsessing over this man. You're welcome, and I understand. I know there was a time when I wouldn't have been able to digest or fully understand the concept, but when I did get it, I got it, and I felt so released and liberated. I'm sure there will be a time when your mind and emotions connect as well. I believe my hypnotherapy was a huge component in releasing me of unresolved subconscious issues from long ago, and thus helping me let go of a whole host of other issues I was tying to that anxiety. I highly recommend a good hypnotherapist to help anyone release those anxieties that are there and that manifest in current relationships. Wishing you the best <3 |
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Post by serenity on Dec 1, 2019 9:52:08 GMT
I guess I see anxiety as the body and mind alerting us to an unsafe situation. Its our warning system. If its triggered by behavior in loved ones such as silent treatments, distancing, inconsistency, intermittent reinforcement, cheating, abandonment, abuse, etc, its alerting us to right things. ie the person isn't safe to have an intimate relationship with.
If its triggered because of love, closeness, consistency (as in the case of avoidants), that's when you know your anxiety doesn't match with reality, imo.
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Post by nyc718 on Dec 1, 2019 16:08:39 GMT
I guess I see anxiety as the body and mind alerting us to an unsafe situation. Its our warning system. If its triggered by behavior in loved ones such as silent treatments, distancing, inconsistency, intermittent reinforcement, cheating, abandonment, abuse, etc, its alerting us to right things. ie the person isn't safe to have an intimate relationship with. If its triggered because of love, closeness, consistency (as in the case of avoidants), that's when you know your anxiety doesn't match with reality, imo. Completely agreed that anxiety is also a warning sign. I wasn't trying to say that anxiety has no value, I was just saying that in the case of not being able to let go of an ex, it could be that the anxiety one feels isn't really about the ex, but rather other unresolved trauma. The body just feels anxiety, and someone may be attaching that anxiety to the ex in that most recent relationship when really that ex just triggered anxiety that is more about unresolved deeper trauma. Logically, she knows that the relationship and that person are not good for her, yet she physically feels anxiety that she thinks would be alleviated if they got back together, which is not logical, because it isn't. The anxiety she feels is about deeper wounds that need to be dealt with and healed. Hopefully I made sense. |
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Post by serenity on Dec 1, 2019 23:53:43 GMT
I guess I see anxiety as the body and mind alerting us to an unsafe situation. Its our warning system. If its triggered by behavior in loved ones such as silent treatments, distancing, inconsistency, intermittent reinforcement, cheating, abandonment, abuse, etc, its alerting us to right things. ie the person isn't safe to have an intimate relationship with. If its triggered because of love, closeness, consistency (as in the case of avoidants), that's when you know your anxiety doesn't match with reality, imo. Completely agreed that anxiety is also a warning sign. I wasn't trying to say that anxiety has no value, I was just saying that in the case of not being able to let go of an ex, it could be that the anxiety one feels isn't really about the ex, but rather other unresolved trauma. The body just feels anxiety, and someone may be attaching that anxiety to the ex in that most recent relationship when really that ex just triggered anxiety that is more about unresolved deeper trauma. Logically, she knows that the relationship and that person are not good for her, yet she physically feels anxiety that she thinks would be alleviated if they got back together, which is not logical, because it isn't. The anxiety she feels is about deeper wounds that need to be dealt with and healed. Hopefully I made sense. Yes that does makes sense, and I do agree its so empowering to explore old trauma wounds in therapy. I wouldn't dismiss the relationship as playing no part in her anxiety though. Highly dysfunctional relationships can cause PTSD , which is often responsible for prolonged high anxiety and cognitive dissonance . Some of it is due to the nature of intermittent reinforcement and trauma bonds, with or without previous trauma. If she is experiencing PTSD, it will take more time than usual for her brain chemistry to stabilize and cognitive dissonance to pass after her relationship ends. Its also usually helpful to minimise current triggers ie. to have no contact with her ex. Do you know if she's in contact with her ex at all? |
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Post by nyc718 on Dec 2, 2019 0:27:09 GMT
Completely agreed that anxiety is also a warning sign. I wasn't trying to say that anxiety has no value, I was just saying that in the case of not being able to let go of an ex, it could be that the anxiety one feels isn't really about the ex, but rather other unresolved trauma. The body just feels anxiety, and someone may be attaching that anxiety to the ex in that most recent relationship when really that ex just triggered anxiety that is more about unresolved deeper trauma. Logically, she knows that the relationship and that person are not good for her, yet she physically feels anxiety that she thinks would be alleviated if they got back together, which is not logical, because it isn't. The anxiety she feels is about deeper wounds that need to be dealt with and healed. Hopefully I made sense. Yes that does makes sense, and I do agree its so empowering to explore old trauma wounds in therapy. I wouldn't dismiss the relationship as playing no part in her anxiety though. Highly dysfunctional relationships can cause PTSD , which is often responsible for prolonged high anxiety and cognitive dissonance . Some of it is due to the nature of intermittent reinforcement and trauma bonds, with or without previous trauma. If she is experiencing PTSD, it will take more time than usual for her brain chemistry to stabilize and cognitive dissonance to pass after her relationship ends. Its also usually helpful to minimise current triggers ie. to have no contact with her ex. Do you know if she's in contact with her ex at all? You are right, I do believe there is a PTSD component going on. No, she isn't in touch because he blocked her it seems. So yes, the relationship could definitely be a reason for the anxiety, and she has also acknowledged that she does have previous trauma as well. |
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