jules
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Posts: 142
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Post by jules on Dec 17, 2019 10:38:03 GMT
So, as you may recall I left the FA back in October. We always remained in contact but I have not seen him since the end of October. (You know when I was compromising myself and allowing him his cake and eat it too, bc frankly I wasn't ready to accept the total loss)
If you recall, he told me when I was available to hang out and he was I should find someone available. So I reinstated my online profile and did exactly that. And found a new man that day. We chatted for 3 weeks before meeting and all is going quite well.
Meanwhile my ex has been furiously texting. Stopped by my work with coffee one day. A gift another. Sent a floral arrangement to my new place of employment. Last night I told him I was seriously dating another man. He took it well he said he was happy for us. Then shit got weird. Really weird. He told me he was going to masturbate thinking of me and my new guy. Say what?
So this guy while is entirely FA is also completely something else that I dont even know how to articulate. He was always overtly sexual. unlike anything I've encountered in my over 40 years.
Then he got indignant and pissed that I didnt tell him sooner (even though he said he knew about us) got angry and complained about the cost of the flower arrangement. Huh?
Just nonsense. And super weird.
The weirdness, has nothing to do with the FA. But it's totally there none the less. Kinda scary actually.
I have no real point here, just venting I guess. Wondering if anyone else experienced anything like this?
Thanks all.
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jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
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Oh boy
Dec 17, 2019 10:38:55 GMT
via mobile
Post by jules on Dec 17, 2019 10:38:55 GMT
So, as you may recall I left the FA back in October. We always remained in contact but I have not seen him since the end of October. (You know when I was compromising myself and allowing him his cake and eat it too, bc frankly I wasn't ready to accept the total loss) If you recall, he told me when I was available to hang out and he was I should find someone available. So I reinstated my online profile and did exactly that. And found a new man that day. We chatted for 3 weeks before meeting and all is going quite well. Meanwhile my ex has been furiously texting. Stopped by my work with coffee one day. A gift another. Sent a floral arrangement to my new place of employment. Last night I told him I was seriously dating another man. He took it well he said he was happy for us. Then shit got weird. Really weird. He told me he was going to masturbate thinking of me and my new guy. Say what? So this guy while is entirely FA is also completely something else that I dont even know how to articulate. He was always overtly sexual. unlike anything I've encountered in my over 40 years. Then he got indignant and pissed that I didnt tell him sooner (even though he said he knew about us) got angry and complained about the cost of the flower arrangement. Huh? Just nonsense. And super weird. The weirdness, has nothing to do with the FA. But it's totally there none the less. Kinda scary actually. I have no real point here, just venting I guess. Wondering if anyone else experienced anything like this? Thanks all. |
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Post by nyc718 on Dec 17, 2019 15:21:31 GMT
So, as you may recall I left the FA back in October. We always remained in contact but I have not seen him since the end of October. (You know when I was compromising myself and allowing him his cake and eat it too, bc frankly I wasn't ready to accept the total loss) If you recall, he told me when I was available to hang out and he was I should find someone available. So I reinstated my online profile and did exactly that. And found a new man that day. We chatted for 3 weeks before meeting and all is going quite well. Meanwhile my ex has been furiously texting. Stopped by my work with coffee one day. A gift another. Sent a floral arrangement to my new place of employment. Last night I told him I was seriously dating another man. He took it well he said he was happy for us. Then shit got weird. Really weird. He told me he was going to masturbate thinking of me and my new guy. Say what? So this guy while is entirely FA is also completely something else that I dont even know how to articulate. He was always overtly sexual. unlike anything I've encountered in my over 40 years. Then he got indignant and pissed that I didnt tell him sooner (even though he said he knew about us) got angry and complained about the cost of the flower arrangement. Huh? Just nonsense. And super weird. The weirdness, has nothing to do with the FA. But it's totally there none the less. Kinda scary actually. I have no real point here, just venting I guess. Wondering if anyone else experienced anything like this? Thanks all. Wow, I got nothin'. But I'm sorry because that sounds really disconcerting. I read something recently that was something to the effect of some toxic people can make you feel like they are the best sex you ever had, but that's because sex is the only intimacy they can offer; they can't offer any kind of true love, respect, consistency or emotional availability. I don't know if your ex was like that, but I can say that my two exes had no issues sexually, and that's one reason that kept me around for longer than I should have, because I thought we had such amazing sex so we are good like that. But no, sex is easy, but real true connection isn't so much for some. Sounds to me like your ex is "doing" things to try to show you he cares, the coffee, floral arrangement etc, but he can't offer you his true self, which is more than any of that stuff that can be bought. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2019 15:38:40 GMT
My take on his behavior is this, could be wrong, but from the outside it looks like:
Tried to get you back on the sex ride
You said you're with someone else
His ego took a hit
He tried to cover the bruise by essentially saying: No problem! I could even get off on that thought, that's how much it DOESNT BOTHER ME. AT ALL. You + Him is so fine with me it's actually a turn on (LIES)
Him: It's not the thought of you being done with me and on to someone else that bothers me, it's the fucking cost of this flower arrangement. (Embarrassment are his miscalculation, failure to seduce, misplaced anger.) I'm not angry at me I am angry at you and this fucking waste of time you put me through. I'm not ego bruised I'm indignant about your weakness in communication and also THE PRICE OF THESE FLOWERS , that's really the biggest problem here (uh, no.)
Just unhealthy crap.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2019 15:59:18 GMT
Also, it's horrendously objectifying that he spoke to you that way- either he will get off on you or the idea of you. Fuck that shit. Congratulations on your new guy though!
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 17, 2019 17:12:56 GMT
These guys sometimes! Lol Sheesh.
Mine circled back this week doing a drive by my workshop questioning the car parked out front. I know it was his weird way to reach out after months but seemed he was either jealous or trying to see if I was dating someone.
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Oh boy
Dec 17, 2019 20:05:36 GMT
via mobile
nyc718 likes this
Post by alexandra on Dec 17, 2019 20:05:36 GMT
I read something recently that was something to the effect of some toxic people can make you feel like they are the best sex you ever had, but that's because sex is the only intimacy they can offer; they can't offer any kind of true love, respect, consistency or emotional availability. Amen. I went through that earlier this year, and thank goodness I'd learned about attachment theory already. Sex being all he could offer was my take as well on a situation that would have become toxic, and I used attachment theory to stop myself from falling back on an older anxious pattern of sticking around and idealizing potential. I left instead. What you see is what you get with unaware and toxic folk. jules, I'm glad you were able to emotionally separate yourself. Even though I know it was hard for you to do and took several tries at the time. |
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Post by mrob on Dec 17, 2019 22:46:14 GMT
Holy crap! Bullet dodged!!
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Oh boy
Dec 17, 2019 23:10:25 GMT
Post by Dualcitizen on Dec 17, 2019 23:10:25 GMT
So, as you may recall I left the FA back in October. We always remained in contact but I have not seen him since the end of October. (You know when I was compromising myself and allowing him his cake and eat it too, bc frankly I wasn't ready to accept the total loss) If you recall, he told me when I was available to hang out and he was I should find someone available. So I reinstated my online profile and did exactly that. And found a new man that day. We chatted for 3 weeks before meeting and all is going quite well. Meanwhile my ex has been furiously texting. Stopped by my work with coffee one day. A gift another. Sent a floral arrangement to my new place of employment. Last night I told him I was seriously dating another man. He took it well he said he was happy for us. Then shit got weird. Really weird. He told me he was going to masturbate thinking of me and my new guy. Say what? So this guy while is entirely FA is also completely something else that I dont even know how to articulate. He was always overtly sexual. unlike anything I've encountered in my over 40 years. Then he got indignant and pissed that I didnt tell him sooner (even though he said he knew about us) got angry and complained about the cost of the flower arrangement. Huh? Just nonsense. And super weird. The weirdness, has nothing to do with the FA. But it's totally there none the less. Kinda scary actually. I have no real point here, just venting I guess. Wondering if anyone else experienced anything like this? Thanks all. Well shows no boundaries at all, has no idea does he? (with the masturbation thing, highly bizarre). I'd agree that it appears he's lost control a bit, and that uncentred behaviour has come out in that form, again everyone different, and if genuinely F-A, he probably did like you, but again couldn't do it. That was his way of saying "I care, but I don't really care" |
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Oh boy
Dec 17, 2019 23:12:10 GMT
via mobile
Post by faithopelove on Dec 17, 2019 23:12:10 GMT
These guys sometimes! Lol Sheesh. Mine circled back this week doing a drive by my workshop questioning the car parked out front. I know it was his weird way to reach out after months but seemed he was either jealous or trying to see if I was dating someone. Definitely sounds like he was fishing for info! |
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Oh boy
Dec 17, 2019 23:13:06 GMT
via mobile
Post by faithopelove on Dec 17, 2019 23:13:06 GMT
Wow, that whole horrific scene would give me renewed motivation to stay far away! Congrats on the new guy! 🙂
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jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
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Post by jules on Dec 18, 2019 1:25:12 GMT
Thank you all for the replies.
Stay far away. Lol. Nope. I let him buy me a quick coffee. He apologized. I ripped in a bit and he took it. Honestly what he wanted me to know is that he wanted to be friends. He admitted he doesn't have many. Wonder why?
I can be friends. But from afar. It is absolutely astounding the change if events in my life.
I think inmourning's synopsis is dead on honestly.
Plus this new fact of I do not have friends.
It's all very sad. I think he's harmless. Dual said something to the effect up there, he wants to but he does not with me. I think he cannot. It's all pretty sad. But not in my hands.
Thanks for the congrats on the new man! It is night and day difference with him. He's delightful. I am enjoying our time together. He texts in the morning. the minute he gets out. We talk. We laugh like morons really. I mean, I could be fooled, wouldn't be the first time, but I do believe I have found me one helluva tree trunk of a man 6'6"! Lol. (Everything when you are 5'9")
I think a huge part of what is so different is that he is sober too. We talk about spiritual things. Good way to bond. The other night he told me he feels like he's known me for years. I concur. It's uncanny but it's been a while since I have felt like this! He didnt even kiss me until the 2nd date. The first date he went in to hug me and I thought he was high fiving me. It was hilarious and damn near perfect.
Going from what I just saw, to this is the best possible shock to my system. Sauna to plunge pool. This new man is downright refreshing. About freaking time!
I made the right move and the universe served me well. Just sayin'... incredibly humbled. So glad to be rid of that up and down. Not healthy. If someone has to be aware, willing and fully entrenched in serious recovery from FAism, (alcoholism, any old ism) they are not ready to be involved on anything but healing and growth. That kind of poor health can only bring down even the strongest of secures. You have to be as close to 100 to give to another. You can not be running on empty and give shit to anyone else.
Not the most eloquent way of expressing this, I know, but truly my assessment of my experience.
Thank you all. I hope everyone has a good holiday and if not so merry and bright? Big hugs to youuu.
J
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