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Post by lurker on Aug 16, 2017 3:09:40 GMT
Hi,
Everything I've read comparing the fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant attachment styles seems to refer almost exclusively to differences experienced in the inner life of the avoidant individual. Would anyone be able to explain to me how one tells the difference from the outside looking in? Who is who, and how do you know?
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Post by gaynxious on Aug 16, 2017 20:16:52 GMT
I've had this difficulty to, largely in trying to classify my ex as either FA or DA. From the outside I would say the only thing I have heard is FA's seem to want and get into relationships more frequently, maybe even expending more effort to do so. DAs may very well want relationships but I'd say statistically more of them either don't or aren't willing to put as much energy in. On average I'd say DA's are more comfortable when alone and may not experience anxiety pushing hem to find partners. They may also appear more emotionally stable as I've read FAs in general appear emotionally unstable to outsiders more often.
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Post by aisling on Aug 18, 2017 4:27:43 GMT
I dated an FA (his therapist confirmed this), albeit one who's a tiny bit more self-aware, so my insight might be biased or kinda misleading when it comes to FAs as a whole. One thing that confused me about my last partner was his continued presence and desire to be physically close to me to reaffirm our bond. He displayed all of the typical avoidant behaviors though: inability to talk about his emotions, constant withdraw, low emotional awareness/describing his emotions as 'foggy,' needed a lot of time to 'process,' openly questioned our relationship but said that that didn't keep him from being committed to me (ummm), told me he felt unsafe telling me things from the beginning of our relationship, phantom ex, projected a lot of his past relationship with his borderline mother onto me, overly analytical. So, as I said, despite engaging in typical avoidant behavior, it always threw me off that he wanted to sleep with me every night and be physically close. Even when I said I would rather sleep alone, because I like my alone time sometimes, he insisted we sleep together. He was also extremely affectionate and said I love you all the time-definite outlier in that respect, but again, he was hiding a lot of negativity while doing this. Going back and forth between loving and disliking me was the norm for him, but I didn't know that until after we broke up. He hid it so, so well.
He expressed a desire to be close to me, and I know part of him wanted to be, but his actions totally belied this desire. He later told me he was putting aside his feelings for me and felt adrift because of our conflict and was harboring a lot of anger, resentment, and negative feelings towards me and the way I expressed my emotions (I went from earned secure to moderately anxious pretty much right after he told me he didn't know if he would be attracted to me in the future. he said this right as we were solidifying our relationship, and when I told him how hurtful that was, he told me I wasn't letting him be himself. avoidant much?). He concealed a lot. FAs might be better at concealing their negativity towards their partners than DAs because they really do have such low self-esteem (generally speaking); they feel stuck and in the damned if you/damned if you don't position. We both ended up staying in the relationship long, long after its expiration date, for example, and I think that's something only FAs would do. DAs have a much more positive view of themselves and probably would've reached their threshold for intensity long before that. My FA was obsessed with solving our conflict, but that was really code for blaming me for everything and not seeing how his underlying emotional shit was also contributing to our conflict. That's another avoidant thing! Refusing to take accountability for their part in conflict because solving conflict would lead to closeness and closeness is way too scary for them to handle.
One other interesting thing to note about FAs, that I'm sure you've already heard: they really do crave intimacy. My FA partner expressed feeling a lot of desire to be close to people, including me; making connections with people is one of the focal points of his life right now. It really pained him to feel the lack of connectivity in his life. He said he felt starved of emotional and physical intimacy throughout his entire life. I don't think I've ever been with a DA, but let me tell you, it sucks to be with an FA sometimes. There seems to be so much hope for the future. They seem ready to change, most of the time. But with FAs, that's a mixed bag. I know he wanted it, but he wasn't capable of attaining it with anyone in his life because he didn't know himself. How can you be close to people if you don't know yourself? If you don't see the ways you sabotage closeness? I think another key thing with the FAs I've met is that they tend to externalize their desire to connect-they blame their environment for their inability to connect instead of putting the pieces together and seeing they have agency and that if they got their internal world right, they would get what they crave. Does that make sense?
I hope that helped... it's very true to say that if you remember FAs have both anxious and avoidant tendencies, it's way easier to spot the difference.
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