FA/DA relationship: what I've learned and why I'm grateful

This is where it's confusing for me, because it seems to be a lot of contradiction. Two imperfect people committed to figuring things out and growing together, YES! I'm all for that, but it seems like only one person is trying to do the growing in this relationship, and that person is the one who "has chosen to surrender". I don't know about all this. Do we not have reasonable accountability to each other if we want to be in a relationship? There has to be compromise on both sides, not just one side, and that's what I am trying to find here but I am not seeing it. I am seeing compromise and accountability on only one side. 

If your DA partner is showing he cares, "in his own way", what way is that exactly? Earlier it was written that he continues to become more dismissive, but now it's he does care and shows it in his own way. I am really trying to understand how this works.


I personally can't be with anyone anymore for which I have to search for where he's showing me he cares. Intentional effort and intentional communication is the minimum requirement for me now, as well as clear boundaries on both sides. These are healthy relationship standards that I need. Now, I'm not saying I am looking for the perfect man who has fully arrived and has all this shit together, because no one is perfect, nor do I expect anyone to be. But I do expect an effort to be put in somehow, just as I have made an effort to work on my own issues. And working on ourselves is not easy, it's painful hard work.  But on the other side of that pain is healing and growth. Anyone doing the baby steps of trying to heal is someone I'd rather be with than someone who isn't able to even consider doing any work on themselves. A person who won't even consider doing any work on themselves is just a red flag to me that they won't take accountability for their part, and to me, that already spells doom because as mentioned, two people need to be committed to working things out together because they love each other.

I realized that besides the fact that my ex FA wasn't aware of his own attachment style, the fact that I was working on myself meant that I was also outgrowing him. That's not something that makes me happy. I wish he was aware and committed and willing, yet I don't judge him or resent him or otherwise think badly of him. He's just not there. I hope for his own sake he gets there, but he isn't as far as I know, and I am no longer the same person he was with who can tolerate that inability on his part. Love and patience just isn't enough unless it's love and patience on both sides for each other during growth, for me at least. Again, I am not judging anyone whose relationship works without the requirements that I am stating that I need.

This perspective is new to me. I'm well aware of the emotional damage that can be inflicted from an un-self aware dismissive avoidant. For far too long in my relationship my focus has almost solely been on the OTHER. My admitted attachment style is fearful avoidant and my DA would trigger my anxious side repeatedly BY JUST BEING HIMSELF. I have kept true to this "new" way of thinking and it's had a profoundly positive impact on my relationship. This is not flippant or meant to be boastful or in any way trigger anyone else or minimize the realities of their relational experience. Here's the thing: I love this person...adore him, and I want, more than anything to find a way to make this work.   My DA and I have had much more open and direct communication lately without the emotional roller coasters of times past.   My expectations and boundaries are firmly in place.   I'm able to verbalize what I need without that somehow diminishing their response.  For so long, I've felt like he should just know the basics of what I might need in the relationship but have realized that, for the majority of the time, he literally has no idea.   Actions or inactions that I've interpreted as heartless or mean, were in fact, not meant that way and often were not even personal at all.    

This post has been met with a lot of truly well-intentioned cautions and I respect and value that. I'm just sharing whats working for me in hopes that it helps someone out there who's in a similar situation.

1. Shifting the focus from him to me. I AM my source. I AM my supply. I AM my savior. I'm not looking for him or anyone else to fix me. No one else is responsible for my emotions but me.
2. I'm done demonizing him. He struggles with communicating his emotions directly. But he will often show me IN HIS WAY, IN HIS LANGUAGE.
3. I'm responding to him in a much more "secure" way. If the text isn't returned instantly; I know he's busy and will reply when he has time. If he fails to meet me at a proper time for dinner plans, etc; I've learned to believe his (legitimate) reasons as to why instead of indulging my anxious side and spin it into something it isn't.
4. Holding myself accountable for my actions: I know who he is, I know what he is and isn't capable of. In many ways his DA pathology matches my own FA pathology perfectly. The imperfections match up to each other. Is it the fairy tale, dream version of a perfectly functional healthy, mutual relationship? No, not in terms of what society thinks of one. But it WORKS. Also, I constantly check myself in terms of my actions. Do I tend to take good care of him? Yes...but what's my motivation? Am I trying to manipulate change in natural behavior for my own benefit? sorry but that's manipulation. If I make the choice to do something nice or give a generous gesture, it has to be 100% given from the heart with no expectations.

A lot of this stuff I've already posted and hopefully I'm not being overly simplistic here. I appreciate the helpful and constructive responses and I really do feel like the responses were meant with my own welfare at heart. But know this, for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I've got my own back! I will not tolerate abuse... emotional or otherwise. I value myself. But at the same time I can allow for the shortcomings of someone I love.

I'm learning that life in general is all about perspective and it's our choice how we choose to interpret  something.

Wow, thanks! I haven't been sure I've been able to adequately share my thoughts and feelings correctly as a new poster: especially when trying to explain the dynamics of a relationship between two people. Throw in the DA/FA dynamic and it gets even more complicated... I appreciate the sentiment very much, a little teary eyed here..thank you!!

I was very grateful to have read your post and experience. I could relate to every word. It brought me to tears.

A month ago I broke up with my DA partner after almost 5 years and although I invested heavily into it, the disconnection would hurt me far too much. Sometimes I too thought I could make it work and should just be grateful but it was coming at the expense of suppressing my own needs and wants

Unfortunately 2 years in I found out he actually had a partner of over 15 years so it came as a huge shock. He convinced me that the relationship was ending and that’s why he lied to me as didn’t want to lose me, but now after finding out what I have done about DAs, then I know that they don’t really walk away if they don’t need to. They like to have people in their lives on their terms.

I loved him, or I loved the wonderful times and the experiences I shared with him but I had to end it for my own sanity and wellbeing.

But all this said and done, I could relate to your words.

My gentle advice to you would be, never normalise it. It’s not normal and it’s not fair. I realise we all want a level of independence in our relationship but it’s shouldn’t come at the expense of feeling alone.

The irony is that after leaving him, I’ve started to finally not feel alone. Rediscovering the connection with my own self for the first time ever in my life....is finally allowing me to not feel alone.

I hope he decides to get therapy, for your sake and his own sake.

I replied to this the other day, as I have an innate interest in the F-A attachment, but I thought my post wasn't mindful enough so deleted it.

You clearly love this guy, and it's always hard . It's good you have self actualisation to shift focus on yourself, very important, and you realise "manipulation" wont change someone's attachment/actions to like you the way you want them too. Also holding yourself accountable for your actions, regardless of his behaviour, amazing realisation.

If I could be so bold as to offer my opinion. I think you are lacking boundaries around this for yourself and well being and your self sovereignty in the true sense (F-A's concern themselves with this). This is blurred by the fact, you have F-A tendency and when you are both "Avoidant", it seemingly actually works at times you don't have to deal with someone closer in intimacy, but when you cycle to "anxious", you want the connection, which he still doesn't bring.....ever. You've accepted this, which in effect is enabling his behaviour to the detriment (which is part of codependency/fantasy bond) of your actual desires in that moment, which is what you truly want deep down....connection, but you yourself push-pull internally, critical inner voice going etc. It's just this guy may never ever overwhelm you, because he literally will never ever tell you his true emotions or feelings, and that's comfortable for you?
It depends what you want, and this in effect is what you insinuate, if you're happy with the arrangement, which you seemingly are to a certain extent, then so be it.

But I'll just say, if you truly want to move towards more self love, higher self esteem, and better boundaries, a secure person will never ever accept intermittent reinforcement of feelings/emotions/close intimacy in every way. The whole idea of human interaction is to garner closeness in a truly interdependent way (i.e. supporting each other almost equally in every facet of your life, BUT maintaining independence outside a baseline moral obligation to your partner, to pursue your hobbies, goals, interests and a secure partner will not stop you from doing those things, but pine for you to achieve and grow in those pursuits)
Communication of feelings, emotions wants and desires is the cornerstone of this, and this is also lacking in this relationship, and he appears to be incapable of changing this? Yet you are actively working on being better, awake now, which is excellent, something to think about and acceptance of his behaviour yet again and how it serves you as an individual long term.
In effect you are doing really well, working on yourself and your partner does not show the same signs of interdependence in the relationship, not equal. Something to think about anyway, hope it helps.

I think you just hit the nail on the head there literally. You do what is best for you, not someone else . That someone else should compliment you and grow with you . And you're certainly growing, and aware which is fantastic.

Liberty Cairde is a F-A, near secure on Youtube, she may be helpful if you watch her there and on facebook.