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Post by ocarina on Dec 26, 2019 19:22:06 GMT
I came across this article by chance - the key finding: " When I asked my family how to choose a mate, I was told by my pragmatic relatives: ‘Just make sure he has a suit.’ My daughter and I have a running joke about a mythical guy called Sid. I say: ‘Don’t worry about how difficult dating online is, Sid will show up one day.’ She says: ‘He’s late. And how will I recognise him anyway?’ I look at her and raise one eyebrow. ‘Okay, okay,’ she says, reciting the research: emotional responsiveness is the main thing that predicts happiness years into a relationship. So it’s all about: ‘Does he show up emotionally? Is he open and accessible, responsive and engaged? Do I feel safe and whole with him? I know, I know.’ And she does. " It's absolutely worth a read summarising the science behind attachment theory, how it can be used to heal relationships and how important emotional responsiveness and consistency is in long term relationships. aeon.co/essays/how-emotionally-focused-couple-therapy-can-help-love-last |
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Post by ocarina on Dec 26, 2019 19:24:17 GMT
So having been in a relationship where these criteria really weren't met on either side, this is my work for the moment - to show up emotionally for everyone in my life, to remain open and engaged and to cultivate friendships where I feel safe and whole. It's been a quantum leap and continues to be a journey of discovery.
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Post by serenity on Dec 26, 2019 20:30:38 GMT
I really enjoyed reading that. Thank you ocarina!
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Post by ocarina on Dec 26, 2019 20:40:33 GMT
I really enjoyed reading that. Thank you ocarina! My pleasure serenity - I’m pleased you liked it. The other thing that occurred to me while I was reading it was that the A R E that she described as being important in relating are things that need to also apply to my relationship with myself: Accessibility Responsiveness and Engagement. |
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Post by amber on Dec 27, 2019 22:01:06 GMT
I love this!
Emotional responsiveness is the main thing that predicts relationships happiness. I guess we have to be tuned into and able to regulate our own emotions FIRST before seeking this from a partner. The work starts with us first!
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Post by serenity on Dec 29, 2019 8:16:49 GMT
I liked this part:
`` The longing for connection is primary in terms of the hierarchy of human goals and needs. Isolation or loss of attachment figures is inherently traumatising for human beings.
Predictable physical or emotional connection with a close other calms our nervous system and shapes a sense of safe haven where comfort and reassurance can be readily obtained, and emotional balance can be restored and enhanced. This balance gives us choice. Once in balance, we can choose to move in any direction; without it, we fall haphazardly. This balance promotes the development of a grounded, whole sense of self; a self that can organise the chaos of experience into a coherent whole. The self is a process that is always constructed with others; according to this perspective, you cannot be a self all by yourself.
Being able to depend on a loved one also offers us a secure base, a platform from which to risk and explore our world. Effective dependency is a source of resilience, while the denial of attachment needs and pseudo-self-sufficiency are liabilities. ''
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Post by ocarina on Dec 29, 2019 12:45:08 GMT
I liked this part: `` The longing for connection is primary in terms of the hierarchy of human goals and needs. Isolation or loss of attachment figures is inherently traumatising for human beings. Predictable physical or emotional connection with a close other calms our nervous system and shapes a sense of safe haven where comfort and reassurance can be readily obtained, and emotional balance can be restored and enhanced. This balance gives us choice. Once in balance, we can choose to move in any direction; without it, we fall haphazardly. This balance promotes the development of a grounded, whole sense of self; a self that can organise the chaos of experience into a coherent whole. The self is a process that is always constructed with others; according to this perspective, you cannot be a self all by yourself. Being able to depend on a loved one also offers us a secure base, a platform from which to risk and explore our world. Effective dependency is a source of resilience, while the denial of attachment needs and pseudo-self-sufficiency are liabilities. '' In my experience avoidant behaviour is often somehow glorified as a model of strength and resilience - a kind of singular self sufficiency whilst anxious behaviour is seen as somehow weak and less than.... It's really sad and I am not sure if this is societal or just my own perspective (as an avoidant). This article has helped to confirm what I have learnt over the years, that dependence is normal and healthy. Maybe i just read this at the right time, but I found the messages really profound - particularly in terms of what a human needs in order to feel safe with another person - the degree of availability and openness. I was married for 15 years to a good man - but found myself increasingly isolated and unhappy. I have always blamed myself for this but I now can see that my ex husband wasn't there for me in any way emotionally - and I could make bids for affection for emotional support which he was not able to respond to. It doesn't make him bad - but it does explain the pain of remaining unseen and unheard over time. It's sad - I wish I had known this and been able to articulate it before now. |
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