Betty
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Posts: 36 
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Post by Betty on Aug 18, 2017 16:03:59 GMT
Hi guys
I have an update on my avoidant ex. Just need a little advice if anybody out there has any, as I'm trying my best to allow space to think and feel and take this one step at a time.
My ex and I have been on/off since December. We have been talking and have seen each other a few times (coffees, movie dates, walks, etc).
He is an FA for sure, and I am a AP, although I am currently in therapy and have become much more emotionally independent and stronger over the past 7 months. Also, noted that he has abuse in his childhood, and suffers from repression of trauma from over the years.
So he came over the other night, and we had a very good time, we had some laughs and drinks and things were going very well. Until I brought up something emotional, and he shut down and I could see how frusterated he was. It was like he couldn't find words and didn't know what to say or do. He told me even coming over was hard for him, and as he saw my sister's car parked on the driveway (she is on vacation and parked her car at my place) he freaked out and was even worried that she was over.
I gave him some space when he started to become flustered. After awhile, I returned to him and we became physically intimate.
It was really nice and I enjoyed our night together. I can tell he wants to be close but has a hard time.
Just wondering if anybody has experienced where FAs have an easier time being physically intimate than emotionally intimate with someone. I understand it can still bond you, and it's easier to do then to be emotional and vulnerable that way.
A few days later, my AP thought process starts to feel that he just wants sex, and not to be close. I just don't know if this is an easier way for them to connect, or if I'm just getting into my own head.
Anyway, if anybody has any experience with this please any advice or critizisim is welcomed.
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Post by cricket on Aug 18, 2017 17:27:21 GMT
I went thru and still go thru thinking that about my DA. Maybe it's just about the sex but these are adultsnot teenager's I presume and it's not that hard to find someone to have sex w these days. He is there cuz he wants to be and of course he is attracted and it probably is the easier way for him to feel close. He said it was hard for him just to go over so he couold have just gone to a bar to meet someone for sex if that's all he wants or go online.
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Betty
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Posts: 36
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Post by Betty on Aug 21, 2017 15:52:08 GMT
Thanks Cricket
I realize that this might not materialize into anything. We have been broken up for 8 months, and as soon as we get close he freaks out and pulls away. It always triggers my anxiety. So I'm trying to self sooth and not let this take over my life.
I love him alot and I see the trauma in him that he has never delt with. I feel helpless, there is nothing I can do but be patient. And even then, sometimes he comes off cold or aloof and it hurts my feelings. I think learning to not take those things personally is helping me as well.
People push away the ones they are closet to the most. I just don't know how much back and forth I can take. He reached out to me after he came over, which is huge for him. And then this weekend I messaged him, and he didn't seem to interested to talk.
So that behaviour is difficult to deal with. I understand it more now, but it still isn't easy to deal with when he backs off.
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Post by aisling on Aug 25, 2017 7:00:28 GMT
Betty, I hear your pain and am sending you a big hug right now!
I think, in general, the question of physical/sexual intimacy is a tricky one, because there's a lot of emotional intimacy underlying the physical... maybe that goes without saying, but I think it points to him craving and fulfilling his intimacy needs through the physical (which isn't the same as him having casual sex or casual cuddling because it's with you). I think it's much easier for him to engage in physical intimacy, yes, exactly because he's still getting some of his intimacy needs met, but he's not having to push himself outside of his comfort zone and respond to your needs. I'm thinking that he probably saw you bringing up something emotional, whatever that may be, as neediness or pressure on him to support you, triggering his fear of engulfment and causing him to detach. He probably feels awful that he can't meet your needs.
Speaking from experience, I can say that it's very tempting to get pulled into this kind of dynamic with your FA because of the potential you see and because of how easy it can be to find yourself in the position of wanting to help someone who YOU can tell is clearly hurting. But what do you do if they can't see how much they're hurting inside? My most recent ex was an FA, and I focused a lot on his unhealed/unresolved trauma. I became obsessed with the idea that if he owned that, he would heal, and all the wonderful things about him and our connection would be allowed to flourish, unhindered. I basically made myself into a detective, therapist, and savior in my mind... it didn't end well. We broke up twice, once with a three month break, and when we got back together, it was different for a week, but we slid right back into the same thing.
I'm not saying you'll have the same experience I did, but I just wrote that to say that it can be a very lonely, painful road when you're with someone who isn't aware of this stuff, and isn't in therapy. Understanding is less than half the battle. It's your heart that matters the most, and you can't always reason with your feelings... it goes so deep. I hope you get the resolution that serves you best!
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Betty
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by Betty on Aug 25, 2017 23:05:11 GMT
Betty, I hear your pain and am sending you a big hug right now! I think, in general, the question of physical/sexual intimacy is a tricky one, because there's a lot of emotional intimacy underlying the physical... maybe that goes without saying, but I think it points to him craving and fulfilling his intimacy needs through the physical (which isn't the same as him having casual sex or casual cuddling because it's with you). I think it's much easier for him to engage in physical intimacy, yes, exactly because he's still getting some of his intimacy needs met, but he's not having to push himself outside of his comfort zone and respond to your needs. I'm thinking that he probably saw you bringing up something emotional, whatever that may be, as neediness or pressure on him to support you, triggering his fear of engulfment and causing him to detach. He probably feels awful that he can't meet your needs. Speaking from experience, I can say that it's very tempting to get pulled into this kind of dynamic with your FA because of the potential you see and because of how easy it can be to find yourself in the position of wanting to help someone who YOU can tell is clearly hurting. But what do you do if they can't see how much they're hurting inside? My most recent ex was an FA, and I focused a lot on his unhealed/unresolved trauma. I became obsessed with the idea that if he owned that, he would heal, and all the wonderful things about him and our connection would be allowed to flourish, unhindered. I basically made myself into a detective, therapist, and savior in my mind... it didn't end well. We broke up twice, once with a three month break, and when we got back together, it was different for a week, but we slid right back into the same thing. I'm not saying you'll have the same experience I did, but I just wrote that to say that it can be a very lonely, painful road when you're with someone who isn't aware of this stuff, and isn't in therapy. Understanding is less than half the battle. It's your heart that matters the most, and you can't always reason with your feelings... it goes so deep. I hope you get the resolution that serves you best! Thank you Aisling I appreciate your insight and sharing your experience. It's actually a very heart breaking thing to go through, as I'm having a hard time walking away. He truly has alot of wonderful qualities. Sadly, it's not enough to show him he can trust me and to move things forward. I don't just want to sleep with him. I want alot more for myself. The unfortune thing Is, I just don't know if he has to warm back up to me, or if he is just settled with not being in a committeed relationship, because it is easier to be alone then it is to take a risk. I can see it going the same way as it did for you. Well it has! Several breakups and come back togethers within this year. I am also doing the Same thing as you, focusing on his past traumas and ways to help support and guide him into healing. Healing that he has not yet been open to himself. What did you do, what outcome did u and ur FA come to? If your not together anymore, are you still on speaking terms? I have now cone to terms with how he acts and why, I just don't know if it's something I can accept into my life. Not permantly. It's to much to have on one's shoulders to always be the one to be so open and vulnerable all the time, sometimes with a payoff and sometimes not. I understand it's not personal. But it still hurts like hell. I am happy I found this website, as I see everybody really helping each other out. Thanks for your insight! |
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Betty
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by Betty on Aug 30, 2017 23:12:18 GMT
Another update
So I have a new update. I was doing really well with my FA, it has been light and fun, and he even opened up to me a bit this past week. He had a little freak out moment, but I was able to pull him back and nurture him and comfort him.
But he has clamed up again, to the point where I think I have to walk away.
I'm very, very very sad. I love this man alot, and wish that being patient, giving him support, and loving him without judgment were enough. But it's just not.
He is not willing to heal. He acts as if our relationship is casual, like we are just "meeting up", or "hanging out". Him and I both know it is alot deeper than that.
My heart is crushed. I see all of the ways he uses to distance himself from me. I wish I was one of those people who could act very casual about it. But I'm just not. I care too much, and I'm not a game player.
I realize it is not personal. I have done enough inner work to see that. But the outcome is still the same for me, I still have to walk away from a man I hold deep in my heart. What a horrible feeling.
There is a sense that I have failed him. That I am abandoning him. I'm not sure if that is normal, but I feel I couldn't help him. That hurts alot as well.
Thanks for letting me vent. Just needed to get that out.
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Post by cricket on Aug 31, 2017 1:00:47 GMT
Hello- I am in a Similar situation. I know what you by feeling like you wanted to be the one to help him. It's like a superhero complex or something. I totally get like that too. I want to show him how much he can trust me.
I am also coming to the hard decision of letting go. I'm realizing how much I want someone that I'm interested in to be involved in my life. I'm tired of playing out the pursuer, runner chase. As great of qualities as he has and how perfectly I think we would fit, we don't have that core foundation of both wanting a relationship. He is too guarded and removed from his inner feelings to change anytime soon.
I hope you follow what your inner gut feeling tells you to do. You can't be someone else's savior. I know its the hardest thing to walk away from someone that you saw a future with. A future w them will be cery unpredictable and lonely unfortunately.
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Betty
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by Betty on Aug 31, 2017 2:37:32 GMT
Hello- I am in a Similar situation. I know what you by feeling like you wanted to be the one to help him. It's like a superhero complex or something. I totally get like that too. I want to show him how much he can trust me. I am also coming to the hard decision of letting go. I'm realizing how much I want someone that I'm interested in to be involved in my life. I'm tired of playing out the pursuer, runner chase. As great of qualities as he has and how perfectly I think we would fit, we don't have that core foundation of both wanting a relationship. He is too guarded and removed from his inner feelings to change anytime soon. I hope you follow what your inner gut feeling tells you to do. You can't be someone else's savior. I know its the hardest thing to walk away from someone that you saw a future with. A future w them will be cery unpredictable and lonely unfortunately. It's very heart breaking After having several moments of connection and openess, the door just gets shut again and again. I'm sorry that you are at that same place too. I did want to help him open up. You can lead a horse to water, but u cannot make them drink. In my heart I knew this was coming, as I know i can't wait for someone, or support someone who won't seek the help they need. I am crushed. What u said about the relationship aspect is right tho, I too feel I want and need someone who wants that with me also. They just can't handle when things get real, or somebody gets too close. It still doesn't change my feelings, but I do know it's time to hang up my boots, and walk away. I hope you think about your needs too, cricket. |
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Post by cricket on Aug 31, 2017 2:54:45 GMT
Betty- I know, this is heart wrenching😔
It makes it harder cuz you get glimpses of their vulnerability and the side of them that wants love but ultimately they can't fulfill those needs.
He's really leaving me no other choice anyways. I have to do majority of the contacting and I'm getting sick of it.
I wish he wasn't so wonderful in person, then maybe it would be easier to let go.
Keep us posted. Maybe things will turn around. You never know.
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