Post by andy on Dec 29, 2019 4:43:28 GMT
Hi everyone! Been a while. Good to see lots of familiar folks still generously sharing wisdom on the boards.
I'm looking for ideas about how to handle a situation that's like lovebunny's in some ways but also really different in several important ways. I suspect that boundary-setting, good communication, and self-awareness will all be important, but I'm not sure exactly how to bring those to bear on the situation.
I have a new crush, and as usual with me (recovering AP), the crushy feelings are intense. It's someone I met on an online dating platform. By our third hangout, nothing had happened to establish clearly whether we were thinking of it as a dating thing or a friendship thing or what, so I asked directly what kind of feeling she was getting. She said she was open to anything but likes to get to know people and see what evolves, and she also told me that she'd just gone through a breakup of a long and serious relationship (5 years +, a relationship she thought might be lifelong). She texted me a day and a half later to say that she'd been reflecting on her emotional state and thought she should be upfront that she is going to be focused on working through her own stuff for a while, and also that she "would love to keep hanging out, in whatever capacity," if I still wanted to, now that she'd laid some things out on the table. Then she invited me for cider/movie at her place the following week. I texted back to thank her for her transparency and say I understood completely and was still open to hanging out. Then a few hours later I sent another text clarifying that I preferred to stick with friends hangouts for the time being, given the context of the fresh breakup, and that we could always reassess later if it felt right.
She hasn't come on as strongly as lovebunny's person but she has seemed to enjoy our times together and has suggested hanging out more in the future. Normally if I meet someone online who doesn't initiate contact as often as I do (which isn't tons, I don't think), I try to walk the other way, having learned about the awful chasing traps APs can fall into. In fact, I noticed that I started getting less interested in her leading up to our third hangout because I wasn't impressed by her text response time. (Sign of progress! I actually felt my crush was fading because she wasn't meeting my standards.) I was almost set to give up on it when she filled in the context about the breakup. That made me view things a little differently. I also became aware that she struggles with depression, so I started to feel less convinced that I was necessarily dealing with either a "just not that into you/never gonna be into you" scenario or a bad news attachment scenario. There are some complicating factors in the mix.
So, currently we're hanging out as friends (which is just what I asked for, of course). Her breakup happened just four months ago, and I get the impression it's still quite raw. And it's been 2.5 months since we had the conversation where she told me about the breakup. (We're poly, so she was on the dating app where she met me before the breakup happened, and very likely without even knowing it was brewing. So I don't think the breakup/dating app timing should be viewed as a red flag.)
So how do I handle this situation in a self-caring, mature way? The truth is, I'm kind of waiting around to see if she's going to want to date me later, and of course I'm into her. There's an added tricky aspect in that she's hyper accomplished in fields that I'm interested in myself, so at times it gets my AP feeling of inadequacy flaring. Not tons, as she's incredibly unpretentious, positive and warm, and refreshingly open about her own insecurities. But it's there in the background.
What are some possible next steps here? How do assess what I need and draw good boundaries? And/or communicate with her to get on the same page? In one way, it feels too early to check in again (four months is such a short time for recovery from a breakup of a serious relationship), but in another way, holding back on communicating where I'm at because of where I assume she's at seems like head games?
If she wants to keep the door open for dating, I also would like to. But I don't want to wait around for a long time in what could feel like a really disempowering position (longing for the unavailable person - sounds way too AP). If she were to decide that she realistically isn't going to want to date me later and that we're better off as friends, I'm pretty sure I could adjust well to that, too (though I'd be disappointed). It's the open-endedness and ambiguity of the current scenario that I'm finding stressful to navigate.
Any insights are most appreciated!
I'm looking for ideas about how to handle a situation that's like lovebunny's in some ways but also really different in several important ways. I suspect that boundary-setting, good communication, and self-awareness will all be important, but I'm not sure exactly how to bring those to bear on the situation.
I have a new crush, and as usual with me (recovering AP), the crushy feelings are intense. It's someone I met on an online dating platform. By our third hangout, nothing had happened to establish clearly whether we were thinking of it as a dating thing or a friendship thing or what, so I asked directly what kind of feeling she was getting. She said she was open to anything but likes to get to know people and see what evolves, and she also told me that she'd just gone through a breakup of a long and serious relationship (5 years +, a relationship she thought might be lifelong). She texted me a day and a half later to say that she'd been reflecting on her emotional state and thought she should be upfront that she is going to be focused on working through her own stuff for a while, and also that she "would love to keep hanging out, in whatever capacity," if I still wanted to, now that she'd laid some things out on the table. Then she invited me for cider/movie at her place the following week. I texted back to thank her for her transparency and say I understood completely and was still open to hanging out. Then a few hours later I sent another text clarifying that I preferred to stick with friends hangouts for the time being, given the context of the fresh breakup, and that we could always reassess later if it felt right.
She hasn't come on as strongly as lovebunny's person but she has seemed to enjoy our times together and has suggested hanging out more in the future. Normally if I meet someone online who doesn't initiate contact as often as I do (which isn't tons, I don't think), I try to walk the other way, having learned about the awful chasing traps APs can fall into. In fact, I noticed that I started getting less interested in her leading up to our third hangout because I wasn't impressed by her text response time. (Sign of progress! I actually felt my crush was fading because she wasn't meeting my standards.) I was almost set to give up on it when she filled in the context about the breakup. That made me view things a little differently. I also became aware that she struggles with depression, so I started to feel less convinced that I was necessarily dealing with either a "just not that into you/never gonna be into you" scenario or a bad news attachment scenario. There are some complicating factors in the mix.
So, currently we're hanging out as friends (which is just what I asked for, of course). Her breakup happened just four months ago, and I get the impression it's still quite raw. And it's been 2.5 months since we had the conversation where she told me about the breakup. (We're poly, so she was on the dating app where she met me before the breakup happened, and very likely without even knowing it was brewing. So I don't think the breakup/dating app timing should be viewed as a red flag.)
So how do I handle this situation in a self-caring, mature way? The truth is, I'm kind of waiting around to see if she's going to want to date me later, and of course I'm into her. There's an added tricky aspect in that she's hyper accomplished in fields that I'm interested in myself, so at times it gets my AP feeling of inadequacy flaring. Not tons, as she's incredibly unpretentious, positive and warm, and refreshingly open about her own insecurities. But it's there in the background.
What are some possible next steps here? How do assess what I need and draw good boundaries? And/or communicate with her to get on the same page? In one way, it feels too early to check in again (four months is such a short time for recovery from a breakup of a serious relationship), but in another way, holding back on communicating where I'm at because of where I assume she's at seems like head games?
If she wants to keep the door open for dating, I also would like to. But I don't want to wait around for a long time in what could feel like a really disempowering position (longing for the unavailable person - sounds way too AP). If she were to decide that she realistically isn't going to want to date me later and that we're better off as friends, I'm pretty sure I could adjust well to that, too (though I'd be disappointed). It's the open-endedness and ambiguity of the current scenario that I'm finding stressful to navigate.
Any insights are most appreciated!
