Intuition?

For me, following intuition or `gut' is just following unconscious patterns programmed deeply from relationships with childhood caregivers.  I absolutely don't trust it, because it leads me towards the wrong people for me.  You don't get to choose your parents, but you can choose what you do with your programming. What works better for me is noticing when I'm feeling an attraction like that, and calling it out for what it is mentally. Usually it means its someone I shouldn't be getting to know.

I've been following a youtuber called Jack Butler who delves deeply into all this, including attachment theory and how to deal with wounds. He's a big proponent of making decisions consciously, and bringing unconscious patterns/drives to light, giving them a name.  I haven't watched this yet, but he does a video about `can i trust my intuition'..haven't watched this yet but I think I'll watch it this morning. Very wise compassionate man with a good head on his shoulders IMO

youtu.be/6DbE60LR-j8

hannah99, when you can't trust your intuition, it usually means one of two things (or both together): you don't trust yourself and/or you never had any examples of healthy relationships to model against so you are programmed to believe dysfunction is normal/comfortable (and functional feels uncomfortable).

In my opinion, one of the best things to do for yourself in that situation is focus on learning how to trust yourself (building your self-acceptance and self-esteem and working on really connecting with and prioritizing your own needs are ways to do this... you can ask a therapist for help with exercises or even creating some goals for yourself to achieve, and you can google advice on "developing" or "building self-trust").

The other best thing to do is lean into your healthier and consistent relationships in life, whether that's with friends or a therapist, whoever it is. And challenge yourself to figure out why those interactions are close and stable and functional, and why you feel better in those friendships etc. and what is triggering you when the situation is romantic.

So far, everything I've read you post about the new relationship is ambiguity within yourself and very little is directly related to reasons your new guy may be a bad match based on his behaviors. It's very, very common for AP and FA to feel ambivalent and like something is off and maybe they should break up with someone who is more secure and emotionally available than they are. The issue is, since it's often a you problem and not a them problem, you're going to feel this way over and over with healthier partners unless you work out your own issues.

This doesn't mean your intuition is wrong, because it may actually be telling you that this guy is great, but no matter how great he is, you're still not ready for a healthy relationship (which is coming out as you fault-finding and trying to talk yourself into breaking up). And if that's the case, that's totally okay, but it seems to be far more based on your baggage than on anything this guy is doing as a romantic partner, even if he texts you a bit less than would quell your anxiety. That anxiety isn't actually based on him, though, it's stemming from your past baggage, so him texting you more is still just a bandage.

Stan Tatkin and Dan Siegel, among others, make a strong case for NOT trusting your gut. "Intuition" is governed by your sympathetic nervous system, which is irrational by definition and primed above all for detecting threat. This threat-detection is memory-based and does not discern between current and past experience, and because it's involuntary and processes information much more quickly than your parasympathetic (conscious, rational) nervous system, your perception is prone to being distorted by it. This is where the confusion comes in.

The solution isn't to ignore your intuition, though. Intuition is a necessary part of decision-making, especially when it comes to relationship -- you might think of it as the "why" behind the "what" of our intellect, without which making a decision in the first place would seem pointless. It's also necessary to avoid becoming overwhelmed by all the information that goes into any decision.

To the contrary, we need to pay attention to our intuition in order to discern memory perception (especially traumatic memory) from present experience. This is the process of integration. There are many ways to do that -- mindfulness practice, co-regulating in secure relationships, clinical therapy, etc. But knowing is half the battle.

Intuition is knowing through feeling rather than reason. That is the definition of the term, and what is meant by the idiom "follow your gut." It has everything to do with feeling, semantically and biologically.

All I did was use the expression "trust your gut." That is a colloquialism for using your intuition, and nothing more. You'll note I did not once use the word "feeling" in my initial post. I think we've followed this tangent as far as it needs to go.