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Post by mezzer on Jan 3, 2020 14:06:10 GMT
Hello everyone, this is my second post, the first one being the sad story of what led me to this forum. I believe that I am of an AP disposition and have suffered the consequences of this for most of my life. In an effort to feel better about my life and help repair my damaged marriage, I took the decision to try therapy. After having had my first session I feel very conflicted, worse than I was prior, I now find myself questioning my entire relationship history and wondering if I really do love my wife or if fear of abandonment has led me to dismiss things that a secure person wouldn’t. I’m very confused and upset and still find myself pining for my affair partner, even though I rationally know this to be infatuation rather than genuine desire to be in a relationship. Can someone with more experience of talking therapy tell me if this is how it makes you feel initially and then things start to get better over time, or if I am just freaking out. I don’t want to rush into any life changing decisions but also I don’t want to prolong my wife’s pain if this is going to end with me leaving her anyway. Thank you to anyone who can offer some insight
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Post by anne12 on Jan 3, 2020 15:26:50 GMT
What kind of therapist did you talk to ? What did the therapist tell you ? You've been through a lot as a couple it sounds like. "...led me to dismiss things that a secure person wouldn’t " - what type of things ? The ambivalent can be overly good at compromising in relationships and they can loose themselves. Do you think, that you have made compromises that have drained you and your own lifeenergy in your relationship ? The ambivalent can also doubt almost anything. Pause - regulate - do not make any desissons in the state you are in now... jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1845/good-choise-lovelifeLove vision exercise ect.: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1852/prepare-create-future-relationship |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 3, 2020 17:56:28 GMT
mezzer, talk therapy can make you feel worse at first and want to quit. This can last for a few months. It's because you're uncovering really uncomfortable trauma and getting triggered by it, and also because it's making you uncomfortable to feel vulnerable around another person. Do you feel like you're "worse" because you're questioning yourself and hitting nerves or because you don't jive well with the specific therapist? (Be honest with yourself about this, but it's also possible another therapist is a better match... however, you should expect this to be a difficult process for a while that likely gets worse before it then gets better.)
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Post by mezzer on Jan 3, 2020 18:44:00 GMT
It felt weird to say out loud things that I wouldn’t tell anyone else, not even my wife, I think that is exactly it, being vulnerable around another person who is a stranger. She told me I was entitled to my feelings, which on a conscious level I understand, however I need help, I found myself wanting this ladies approval and that made me feel uncomfortable as a realisation about myself. It was hard, and imagine will only get harder. Thank you for being honest about the time frame it takes to start to get better. I am determined to become happier in my own skin and accept myself as worthy of being loved, hopefully this will allow me to make the best decisions for me in future. I feel worse because I question my motivations for being with my wife. Although Anne12 makes a good point about not making decisions while emotionally charged, however that has been my MO for longer than I can remember. I’m going again so I will evaluate my fit with this counsellor after next time, although I did feel comfortable enough to open up so I’m thinking that is a good sign
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Post by alexandra on Jan 3, 2020 20:12:48 GMT
mezzer, I agree with Anne on that point as well. It took years for your AP to develop and you've reinforced those thought patterns almost your whole life. It will take some time and difficult work to undo that. I'd recommend telling your therapist about your initial triggering / discomfort response to beginning your sessions. This is very common, and she likely has some techniques to handle that. Is it just that she's a stranger or do you think it may also be because you seek validation from women? Would you be more comfortable with a male counselor? Either way, stick out giving therapy a chance for at least a few months, even if it takes you a few tries to find the right therapist for you (though I agree, it's a good sign she's a good fit if you were opening up). Also keep in mind that therapy is triggering you and your wife is triggering you, and the other woman would just compound that with intermittent relief and worse triggering. If you're really focused on healing and working on yourself, please stay in no contact with the other woman for a few months as well. That's my best random person on the internet advice 
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Post by serenity on Jan 3, 2020 20:34:44 GMT
It felt weird to say out loud things that I wouldn’t tell anyone else, not even my wife, I think that is exactly it, being vulnerable around another person who is a stranger. She told me I was entitled to my feelings, which on a conscious level I understand, however I need help, I found myself wanting this ladies approval and that made me feel uncomfortable as a realisation about myself. It was hard, and imagine will only get harder. Thank you for being honest about the time frame it takes to start to get better. I am determined to become happier in my own skin and accept myself as worthy of being loved, hopefully this will allow me to make the best decisions for me in future. I feel worse because I question my motivations for being with my wife. Although Anne12 makes a good point about not making decisions while emotionally charged, however that has been my MO for longer than I can remember. I’m going again so I will evaluate my fit with this counsellor after next time, although I did feel comfortable enough to open up so I’m thinking that is a good sign Hi Mezzer, I think its okay to just tell your therapist when you are feeling distressed or traumatized by what you're delving into, and ease it back a bit. Also, another thing some therapists have told me, is its okay to hold back with being vulnerable with a stranger at first, even if they are a therapist. Its not actually that healthy to be vulnerable with unknown strangers anyway, so you can take some time building trust with a therapist as well. Just remember, she's not there to tell you to leave your wife or anybody else. She's there to bring unconscious patterns to light, to be a support for building your self worth, and to discuss decision making from a therapeutic perspective. If you stay with your wife forever, she'll still be there for you, its not about judgement and rejection. |
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Post by mezzer on Jan 3, 2020 23:10:11 GMT
mezzer , I agree with Anne on that point as well. It took years for your AP to develop and you've reinforced those thought patterns almost your whole life. It will take some time and difficult work to undo that. I'd recommend telling your therapist about your initial triggering / discomfort response to beginning your sessions. This is very common, and she likely has some techniques to handle that. Is it just that she's a stranger or do you think it may also be because you seek validation from women? Would you be more comfortable with a male counselor? Either way, stick out giving therapy a chance for at least a few months, even if it takes you a few tries to find the right therapist for you (though I agree, it's a good sign she's a good fit if you were opening up). Also keep in mind that therapy is triggering you and your wife is triggering you, and the other woman would just compound that with intermittent relief and worse triggering. If you're really focused on healing and working on yourself, please stay in no contact with the other woman for a few months as well. That's my best random person on the internet advice Thank you for the random person on the internet advice, that one line made me smile, it’s not women it’s everyone I meet on some level, I do really enjoy female company though, although it may be that I crave their attention more than most. Unfortunately no contact is impossible as she works at the same place, I can limit my contact a lot and correspond by email only, luckily professional contact is very sparse. I really want to change and will work on it as much as it takes. I just regret not seeking help sooner, but I’m taking some comfort in having the courage to take this first step. |
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Post by nyc718 on Jan 4, 2020 2:41:00 GMT
Hello everyone, this is my second post, the first one being the sad story of what led me to this forum. I believe that I am of an AP disposition and have suffered the consequences of this for most of my life. In an effort to feel better about my life and help repair my damaged marriage, I took the decision to try therapy. After having had my first session I feel very conflicted, worse than I was prior, I now find myself questioning my entire relationship history and wondering if I really do love my wife or if fear of abandonment has led me to dismiss things that a secure person wouldn’t. I’m very confused and upset and still find myself pining for my affair partner, even though I rationally know this to be infatuation rather than genuine desire to be in a relationship. Can someone with more experience of talking therapy tell me if this is how it makes you feel initially and then things start to get better over time, or if I am just freaking out. I don’t want to rush into any life changing decisions but also I don’t want to prolong my wife’s pain if this is going to end with me leaving her anyway. Thank you to anyone who can offer some insight Yes, verbalizing things out loud, things you would rather not even think about can totally make you feel worse...at first. Aren't we told to be happy, think good thoughts, manifest only good things? But the reality is that we are born with a range of emotions and they should ALL be validated, the good, the bad, the sad, the uncomfortable. But we are taught from a young age to not deal with any uncomfortable feelings, and they get stuffed down where they fester and manifest instead in subconscious ways, and/or in affecting our physical health. But if you are motivated and keep healthy supportive people around you, there is absolutely healing on the other side of that pain. Emotional pain needs to be dealt with the same way physical pain does; you have to identify it and deal with it, which often includes pain. Think rehab for a broken bone - it hurts and it's painful, but you have to do it to regain strength in the atrophied muscles and to regain strength in the bones. It hurts, but you go little by little, and it ultimately heals and you regain use of it again. I have been in therapy off and on for many years, and I have left sessions very upset, but I have also left there feeling very liberated and free because I released the negative emotions finally, instead of continuing to stuff it down. I acknowledged the painful feelings, and then as I went forward, I was able to think about those painful situations, and they didn't hurt as much anymore because I finally dealt with them and how they affected me. I forgave myself for being hard on myself, and I forgave others, or sometimes I didn't! I am not believer that you have to forgive everyone in your life for the things they've done in order to heal. I think it's healthy to not forgive certain instances, and yet you can still get along amicably with that person. My ex husband for example, we get along well enough, but I will never forgive him for trying to take full custody of my son because he didn't want to pay child support. I can't forgive that, but I can get along with him for the sake of our child. Anyway, I hope this helped. You are on the right track. You will feel worse sometimes, it is a process, not a quick fix. |
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