pp
New Member
Posts: 2
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Post by pp on Jan 7, 2020 3:01:55 GMT
I’m so excited to find this forum. I’ve read all the articles and no one will have a conversation with me about this.
I’m looking for ways to heal my anxious/dismissive relationship. I’m anxious, but I think I’m pretty close to secure after 20 years of therapy. My husband (at 19) and son’s father is most probably a sociopath for real and was emotionally and physically abusive. I’ve slowly reached a point where I’m treated very well in a healthy relationship but it severely lacks emotional intimacy.
I’ve been telling my bf of four years since we got together that he has to tell me when he’s upset with me. He still won’t (even though I see he’s sulking), stating that he doesn’t want to upset me. I actually read the book Attached. when we first got together and determined he was secure. But I was wrong. After four years, I realize there’s no intimacy in our relationship. I’ve shared my heart out about myself and my life growing up. He’s never told me anything. His mom mentioned to me the other day how badly his dad had treated her growing up and how emotionally unavailable he was. I confronted my bf about why he’d never shared that with me. He said it didn’t affect him.
The next day I started googling everything and came across attachment theory. It explained so much. I sent him a couple articles expecting him to ignore them. But he said he read them and it made sense. And he said he’d read some articles on how to increase intimacy.
But it’s been a week and everything is the same. Am I expecting too much? He never even apologized for blowing me off when I had the initial conversation about his relationship with his dad and how he never shared anything with me. Do I need to give it time? How can I start to make progress?
I might add, I was 35 and he was 31 when we first got together. He was my 5th long term relationship and I was his first. I was actually his first ever relationship, he’d never even had sex with anyone. He also still lived at home and had never moved out. He has a degree and makes good money. He just felt comfortable at home.
Also, we met online (not on purpose), so we were long distance. After a year or so, I asked him to move to be with me. I had a minor child and was in college. After several months, I asked him what progress he’d made. He hasn’t even saved any money. I told him I was sick of long distance and we were done. He moved within the next couple months. We’ve talked about marriage for a long time. After 2.5 years, I started to press him. He told me to look for a ring. I sent him many different rings, including $500 rings from Walmart. He told me absolutely not and he wanted me to have the ring I wanted.
So finally, a year later after our 3 year anniversary, he took me to the jeweler to design my dream ring. It was close to $3k. He put down a $500 deposit. We were supposed to already be engaged by now and start trying for a child soon since he has none, but it’s time sensitive because I’m 40.
After we figured out his avoidant type last week, I asked him if he thought he’d put off moving here and our engagement because of fear of commitment and he said no. He said the lack of engagement was because he didn’t have money to pay off the ring. Rolleyes. Why not get the $500 ring? And I asked him if he no longer wants to try to conceive and he said in a few months. I’ll be 41 by then!
Am I stupid?!
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Me
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by Me on Jan 7, 2020 6:04:41 GMT
I had a similar situation with my ex . We were together all of our 20s and he said he wanted kids but there was always an excuse . I finally left a bit before I turned 30 and after we broke up he had admitted that he was scared .
It's hard with avoidants because they sometimes will agree to things or basically say what they need to get you off their back because in the moment all they are thinking about is escaping the conversation because its too much for them .
It's a good sign he has agreed to look at this attachment stuff but it's hard to say if their will be any change . He would have to really want it and it will take a long time preferably with professional help .
I'm glad I left my ex because I finally have my little one and if I had stayed with him I may have missed my chance to be a mum which meant more to me than any relationship. The only problem is I've gone from one avoidant to another just with a whole different set of relationships issues
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Post by mrob on Jan 7, 2020 8:01:50 GMT
I think you’re someone that is pushing someone to a tight schedule, which you need to if you want another child. Is this the right person though? You’re doing the pushing. What’s he doing?
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Post by nyc718 on Jan 8, 2020 14:43:01 GMT
I’m so excited to find this forum. I’ve read all the articles and no one will have a conversation with me about this. I’m looking for ways to heal my anxious/dismissive relationship. I’m anxious, but I think I’m pretty close to secure after 20 years of therapy. My husband (at 19) and son’s father is most probably a sociopath for real and was emotionally and physically abusive. I’ve slowly reached a point where I’m treated very well in a healthy relationship but it severely lacks emotional intimacy. I’ve been telling my bf of four years since we got together that he has to tell me when he’s upset with me. He still won’t (even though I see he’s sulking), stating that he doesn’t want to upset me. I actually read the book Attached. when we first got together and determined he was secure. But I was wrong. After four years, I realize there’s no intimacy in our relationship. I’ve shared my heart out about myself and my life growing up. He’s never told me anything. His mom mentioned to me the other day how badly his dad had treated her growing up and how emotionally unavailable he was. I confronted my bf about why he’d never shared that with me. He said it didn’t affect him. The next day I started googling everything and came across attachment theory. It explained so much. I sent him a couple articles expecting him to ignore them. But he said he read them and it made sense. And he said he’d read some articles on how to increase intimacy. But it’s been a week and everything is the same. Am I expecting too much? He never even apologized for blowing me off when I had the initial conversation about his relationship with his dad and how he never shared anything with me. Do I need to give it time? How can I start to make progress? I might add, I was 35 and he was 31 when we first got together. He was my 5th long term relationship and I was his first. I was actually his first ever relationship, he’d never even had sex with anyone. He also still lived at home and had never moved out. He has a degree and makes good money. He just felt comfortable at home. Also, we met online (not on purpose), so we were long distance. After a year or so, I asked him to move to be with me. I had a minor child and was in college. After several months, I asked him what progress he’d made. He hasn’t even saved any money. I told him I was sick of long distance and we were done. He moved within the next couple months. We’ve talked about marriage for a long time. After 2.5 years, I started to press him. He told me to look for a ring. I sent him many different rings, including $500 rings from Walmart. He told me absolutely not and he wanted me to have the ring I wanted. So finally, a year later after our 3 year anniversary, he took me to the jeweler to design my dream ring. It was close to $3k. He put down a $500 deposit. We were supposed to already be engaged by now and start trying for a child soon since he has none, but it’s time sensitive because I’m 40. After we figured out his avoidant type last week, I asked him if he thought he’d put off moving here and our engagement because of fear of commitment and he said no. He said the lack of engagement was because he didn’t have money to pay off the ring. Rolleyes. Why not get the $500 ring? And I asked him if he no longer wants to try to conceive and he said in a few months. I’ll be 41 by then! Am I stupid?! Yes, I think you are definitely expecting too much in a week. It can take years of dedicated and motivated work with a professional, as well as motivated self work to change deep rooted mindsets and the subconscious. If he's been shut down all his life about his past traumas, a few articles from a week ago is not going to change him, not at the deep level he or you needs him to change. I completely understand that you have a real biological clock ticking that is making you feel stressed, but he's just not where you need or want him to be at the moment. On a practical note, perhaps you can look into freezing your eggs to ensure the healthiest outcome for future babies. I think focusing on making your relationship more solid for the both of you is the immediate priority, not marriage or a baby. If you have a kid and your issues haven't been worked out, I think it would be safe to say that things will get even worse for you both after a child and their needs are brought into the picture. If you can't work out your issues now without the added pressures of a baby, you definitely won't be able to then, and I am speaking as someone who has been there, done that. I am in a good place with my son's father, but things were really, really rough after our son was born, as we were both depleted mentally and physically. I had post partum depression, the first time I'd ever been depressed, and neither of us knew how to handle it at the time. Are you currently in therapy? If not, I suggest a therapist who specializes in attachment to help you with your own, and hopefully that will motivate him to also want to make changes. But remember that it can be very scary for someone to start to face the difficult parts of their life that they have been pushing down all their lives, so I would approach him gently about all that. Pressuring him might backfire on you. |
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Post by annieb on Jan 9, 2020 2:47:01 GMT
I’m so excited to find this forum. I’ve read all the articles and no one will have a conversation with me about this. I’m looking for ways to heal my anxious/dismissive relationship. I’m anxious, but I think I’m pretty close to secure after 20 years of therapy. My husband (at 19) and son’s father is most probably a sociopath for real and was emotionally and physically abusive. I’ve slowly reached a point where I’m treated very well in a healthy relationship but it severely lacks emotional intimacy. I’ve been telling my bf of four years since we got together that he has to tell me when he’s upset with me. He still won’t (even though I see he’s sulking), stating that he doesn’t want to upset me. I actually read the book Attached. when we first got together and determined he was secure. But I was wrong. After four years, I realize there’s no intimacy in our relationship. I’ve shared my heart out about myself and my life growing up. He’s never told me anything. His mom mentioned to me the other day how badly his dad had treated her growing up and how emotionally unavailable he was. I confronted my bf about why he’d never shared that with me. He said it didn’t affect him. The next day I started googling everything and came across attachment theory. It explained so much. I sent him a couple articles expecting him to ignore them. But he said he read them and it made sense. And he said he’d read some articles on how to increase intimacy. But it’s been a week and everything is the same. Am I expecting too much? He never even apologized for blowing me off when I had the initial conversation about his relationship with his dad and how he never shared anything with me. Do I need to give it time? How can I start to make progress? I might add, I was 35 and he was 31 when we first got together. He was my 5th long term relationship and I was his first. I was actually his first ever relationship, he’d never even had sex with anyone. He also still lived at home and had never moved out. He has a degree and makes good money. He just felt comfortable at home. Also, we met online (not on purpose), so we were long distance. After a year or so, I asked him to move to be with me. I had a minor child and was in college. After several months, I asked him what progress he’d made. He hasn’t even saved any money. I told him I was sick of long distance and we were done. He moved within the next couple months. We’ve talked about marriage for a long time. After 2.5 years, I started to press him. He told me to look for a ring. I sent him many different rings, including $500 rings from Walmart. He told me absolutely not and he wanted me to have the ring I wanted. So finally, a year later after our 3 year anniversary, he took me to the jeweler to design my dream ring. It was close to $3k. He put down a $500 deposit. We were supposed to already be engaged by now and start trying for a child soon since he has none, but it’s time sensitive because I’m 40. After we figured out his avoidant type last week, I asked him if he thought he’d put off moving here and our engagement because of fear of commitment and he said no. He said the lack of engagement was because he didn’t have money to pay off the ring. Rolleyes. Why not get the $500 ring? And I asked him if he no longer wants to try to conceive and he said in a few months. I’ll be 41 by then! Am I stupid?! Something is amiss. He lives at home and makes good money, but can't afford a ring. I would get my own ring, and take him to city hall. If you really want this man, you may have to make some moves. For me, this would be a total turn-off though and I would be out the door and happily living on my own. I think you will be sacrificing a lot for this man and you will not feel appreciated. Bringing another child into that situation is unwise. |
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