Post by Helsbells on Jan 8, 2020 12:49:18 GMT
So since my FA partner blind sided me again cutting all contact I have been very up and down.
Whilst he was in my life I was telling myself how I new we couldn't sustain anything truly longterm without real intimacy.
He was showing up in many ways as we were living together.
Cooking, doing some chores around the house, holding me close in bed but in my gut I always felt he would pull the plug when things got tough or the mundane of life started to set in and the fantasy life he desires started to play out in his head.
I wasnt truly happy but just kept going thru fear of being abandoned again.
I was consciously detaching myself from him for the inevitable and I think he might of sensed it as he told me on a few occasions how I cant truly be happy and deserved more than he could give.
If he new this and apparently he loved me why didnt he try to get help or make more effort.
He often told me how much he had changed for me and was being better And being more present but the inevitable still happened. After things said in drink which I now regret he up and cleared out.
I'm just getting things out of my head sharing on this forum so bare with.
It's a safe place to get all my crap out.
I know deep down him leaving is for the best but it's a process I need to go thru hence this message.
Just of loading peeps and feel free to do the same back.
I think the choose me choose me over other women is very deep in me as I was rejected by my mum after my sister died when I was 15mths old and always felt unloved by her.
I know she loves me in her own way but as a little girl when I needed her love she wasnt available.
Just ranting 🤪
Whilst he was in my life I was telling myself how I new we couldn't sustain anything truly longterm without real intimacy.
He was showing up in many ways as we were living together.
Cooking, doing some chores around the house, holding me close in bed but in my gut I always felt he would pull the plug when things got tough or the mundane of life started to set in and the fantasy life he desires started to play out in his head.
I wasnt truly happy but just kept going thru fear of being abandoned again.
I was consciously detaching myself from him for the inevitable and I think he might of sensed it as he told me on a few occasions how I cant truly be happy and deserved more than he could give.
If he new this and apparently he loved me why didnt he try to get help or make more effort.
He often told me how much he had changed for me and was being better And being more present but the inevitable still happened. After things said in drink which I now regret he up and cleared out.
I'm just getting things out of my head sharing on this forum so bare with.
It's a safe place to get all my crap out.
I know deep down him leaving is for the best but it's a process I need to go thru hence this message.
Just of loading peeps and feel free to do the same back.
I think the choose me choose me over other women is very deep in me as I was rejected by my mum after my sister died when I was 15mths old and always felt unloved by her.
I know she loves me in her own way but as a little girl when I needed her love she wasnt available.
Just ranting 🤪