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Post by brokengator on Jan 11, 2020 20:39:58 GMT
We are both in our late 30s and she has never really been in a relationship before. At the time of the break up I didn't know anything about attachment styles but after learning about them she seems to fit the DA style.
To make a long story short: we seemed to have a very nice and pleasant relationship during the entire 6 months where we continuely kept telling each other how very similar we are to each other (morals/values, family, humor, hobbies, music, physical attraction, etc...) Always talking about a possible future. We never had arguments or heated disagreements or anything like that. But during the 6 months she always seemed to be hesitant to make us officially bf/gf. Everytime we get close it feels like she pulls away. I found myself having to bring this topic up with her just so I know were we stand with all of this. Her response is usually some variation of "I don't know, I am overanalyzing...", "I don't know, let's keep dating and seeing where it goes", blah blah. When I kept hearing this I told her that there was no point in pressuring her thinking it will just push her away. Something just didn't seem right, especially after a few months.
Fast forward to 2 months ago, she calls me telling me that she lost chemistry with me and that her feelings aren't progressing as quickly as mine is and that she wants to just be friends. Wait... no chemistry??? How is that even possible??? She told me that we are compatible in ever way but she can't seem to put her finger on what the issue is. So I told her that I respected her decision (she thanked me) and that if she changes her mind to give me a call. She then told me that she really wants to be friends with me because we have so much in common and that we can talk about anything for hours at a time (she wasn't lying). I still told her that we can't just be friends because I adored her and that she checked everything off my list and I wanted a relationship with her (I truly meant it, I think she's a high-value woman) and of she wants that too to call me. We hung up.
The next day after break up she messaged me saying she was hoping that we could talk more later on in the week. I replied back saying that I am available to talk later. She never ended up calling me. The following Monday I messaged her to follow up and she replied saying that she was still sorta thinking and needed more time and that hopefully it will be soon. I replied saying that I understand she needs time to think and that we will talk when she's ready. She reached out to wish me a happy holidays and I responded in kind. But she hasn't reached out to me to have our discussion.
Is it possible for an avoidant to need more than 2 months to think on their own about something like this? Or is highly likely that she already moved on with no intention of reaching out to me?
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 12, 2020 11:06:06 GMT
We are both in our late 30s and she has never really been in a relationship before. At the time of the break up I didn't know anything about attachment styles but after learning about them she seems to fit the DA style. To make a long story short: we seemed to have a very nice and pleasant relationship during the entire 6 months where we continuely kept telling each other how very similar we are to each other (morals/values, family, humor, hobbies, music, physical attraction, etc...) Always talking about a possible future. We never had arguments or heated disagreements or anything like that. But during the 6 months she always seemed to be hesitant to make us officially bf/gf. Everytime we get close it feels like she pulls away. I found myself having to bring this topic up with her just so I know were we stand with all of this. Her response is usually some variation of "I don't know, I am overanalyzing...", "I don't know, let's keep dating and seeing where it goes", blah blah. When I kept hearing this I told her that there was no point in pressuring her thinking it will just push her away. Something just didn't seem right, especially after a few months. Fast forward to 2 months ago, she calls me telling me that she lost chemistry with me and that her feelings aren't progressing as quickly as mine is and that she wants to just be friends. Wait... no chemistry??? How is that even possible??? She told me that we are compatible in ever way but she can't seem to put her finger on what the issue is. So I told her that I respected her decision (she thanked me) and that if she changes her mind to give me a call. She then told me that she really wants to be friends with me because we have so much in common and that we can talk about anything for hours at a time (she wasn't lying). I still told her that we can't just be friends because I adored her and that she checked everything off my list and I wanted a relationship with her (I truly meant it, I think she's a high-value woman) and of she wants that too to call me. We hung up. The next day after break up she messaged me saying she was hoping that we could talk more later on in the week. I replied back saying that I am available to talk later. She never ended up calling me. The following Monday I messaged her to follow up and she replied saying that she was still sorta thinking and needed more time and that hopefully it will be soon. I replied saying that I understand she needs time to think and that we will talk when she's ready. She reached out to wish me a happy holidays and I responded in kind. But she hasn't reached out to me to have our discussion. Is it possible for an avoidant to need more than 2 months to think on their own about something like this? Or is highly likely that she already moved on with no intention of reaching out to me? Personally....I would work under the assumption that the two of you are no longer dating and she simply wants a platonic friendship. If that is not what you want, then it would likely be best to just go no contact with her. The whole losing chemistry (ouch...and I am sorry) can be roughly translated into...you are not “the one” for her. It honestly sounds like she was very happy with having a friends with benefits type relationship with no labels to make things official. It also sounds like you wanted something defined and serious. I understand she checked off every box for you, but the two of you sound to be in different places, wanting different things...and that is nothing you could have done anything about. My brother is an avoidant and right now he isn’t looking for anything serious with any woman and if he senses a woman wants more then just a casual/non defined hanging out with benefits type relationship, he breaks up with her. I wish you well with healing. |
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Post by brokengator on Jan 12, 2020 19:08:18 GMT
We are both in our late 30s and she has never really been in a relationship before. At the time of the break up I didn't know anything about attachment styles but after learning about them she seems to fit the DA style. To make a long story short: we seemed to have a very nice and pleasant relationship during the entire 6 months where we continuely kept telling each other how very similar we are to each other (morals/values, family, humor, hobbies, music, physical attraction, etc...) Always talking about a possible future. We never had arguments or heated disagreements or anything like that. But during the 6 months she always seemed to be hesitant to make us officially bf/gf. Everytime we get close it feels like she pulls away. I found myself having to bring this topic up with her just so I know were we stand with all of this. Her response is usually some variation of "I don't know, I am overanalyzing...", "I don't know, let's keep dating and seeing where it goes", blah blah. When I kept hearing this I told her that there was no point in pressuring her thinking it will just push her away. Something just didn't seem right, especially after a few months. Fast forward to 2 months ago, she calls me telling me that she lost chemistry with me and that her feelings aren't progressing as quickly as mine is and that she wants to just be friends. Wait... no chemistry??? How is that even possible??? She told me that we are compatible in ever way but she can't seem to put her finger on what the issue is. So I told her that I respected her decision (she thanked me) and that if she changes her mind to give me a call. She then told me that she really wants to be friends with me because we have so much in common and that we can talk about anything for hours at a time (she wasn't lying). I still told her that we can't just be friends because I adored her and that she checked everything off my list and I wanted a relationship with her (I truly meant it, I think she's a high-value woman) and of she wants that too to call me. We hung up. The next day after break up she messaged me saying she was hoping that we could talk more later on in the week. I replied back saying that I am available to talk later. She never ended up calling me. The following Monday I messaged her to follow up and she replied saying that she was still sorta thinking and needed more time and that hopefully it will be soon. I replied saying that I understand she needs time to think and that we will talk when she's ready. She reached out to wish me a happy holidays and I responded in kind. But she hasn't reached out to me to have our discussion. Is it possible for an avoidant to need more than 2 months to think on their own about something like this? Or is highly likely that she already moved on with no intention of reaching out to me? Personally....I would work under the assumption that the two of you are no longer dating and she simply wants a platonic friendship. If that is not what you want, then it would likely be best to just go no contact with her. The whole losing chemistry (ouch...and I am sorry) can be roughly translated into...you are not “the one” for her. It honestly sounds like she was very happy with having a friends with benefits type relationship with no labels to make things official. It also sounds like you wanted something defined and serious. I understand she checked off every box for you, but the two of you sound to be in different places, wanting different things...and that is nothing you could have done anything about. My brother is an avoidant and right now he isn’t looking for anything serious with any woman and if he senses a woman wants more then just a casual/non defined hanging out with benefits type relationship, he breaks up with her. I wish you well with healing. What is confusing here is that from day one she told me she was looking for a serious relationship that would lead to marriage and kids. Sounds like she thinks she wants that but she just isn't ready for it. |
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Post by amber on Jan 12, 2020 23:54:56 GMT
My ex FA told me he was ready for a long term relationship when we met. He asked for commitment seven weeks in and then a year later ended it with me. It’s not that she may have not had the intention for this but her fears got triggered by closeness.. the more close you get to avoidants, the more they pull away as all their old pain and wounds get stirred up.
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Post by brokengator on Jan 13, 2020 0:11:04 GMT
My ex FA told me he was ready for a long term relationship when we met. He asked for commitment seven weeks in and then a year later ended it with me. It’s not that she may have not had the intention for this but her fears got triggered by closeness.. the more close you get to avoidants, the more they pull away as all their old pain and wounds get stirred up. I am sorry you experienced that. I have been doing and will continue to do what tnr9 suggested to do and that is no contact. However, I'm struggling with her sincerely of asking for time. It's been 2 months now. Is it common for avoidants to actually need to take their time like this? I wish I read about these attachment styles beforehand, I would have never pushed for a label. |
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Post by amber on Jan 13, 2020 1:03:31 GMT
Yes it is common from what I know. If she’s DA she may more easily not make contact again as opposed to FA, as DA devalue love and relationships and convince themselves they don’t need people. It’s safer to rely on themselves only. Also they have a distorted sense of time (you can research this) so their perception of time lapsing may be different to yours
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Post by alexandra on Jan 13, 2020 1:10:55 GMT
Yes it is common from what I know. If she’s DA she may more easily not make contact again as opposed to FA, as DA devalue love and relationships and convince themselves they don’t need people. It’s safer to rely on themselves only. Also they have a distorted sense of time (you can research this) so their perception of time lapsing may be different to yours I think it's also related to they're not necessarily actually processing the emotions and are pushing them down. So they don't notice how much time is passing because their feelings aren't changing, and they do believe more time may give them more perspective. Which, it does, but not when someone is stuck not actually processing (which applies to all insecure attachment styles, not just avoidant). |
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Post by amber on Jan 13, 2020 2:12:11 GMT
Yes it is common from what I know. If she’s DA she may more easily not make contact again as opposed to FA, as DA devalue love and relationships and convince themselves they don’t need people. It’s safer to rely on themselves only. Also they have a distorted sense of time (you can research this) so their perception of time lapsing may be different to yours I think it's also related to they're not necessarily actually processing the emotions and are pushing them down. So they don't notice how much time is passing because their feelings aren't changing, and they do believe more time may give them more perspective. Which, it does, but not when someone is stuck not actually processing (which applies to all insecure attachment styles, not just avoidant). yes that makes sense. I just read this online from an attachment treatment centre:
"time is experienced by children with attachment disorders as separate discreet moments, as a series of disconnected 'nows'. there is little or no experience of time as a linear continuum. attention is primarily focused on the 'now' and neither past nor future is commonly invoked, for both lack of sufficient sense of reality to consciously impact the thinking, problem solving, planning or behavioural functioning of children with AD. this leads to a host of time related problems. the two most prominent are a lack of learning from experience and a lack of advance planning. because of the present centred focus, past experience and its related learning is not accessed. present behaviour and decisions do not benefit thereby, and this often leads to the repitition of identical or similar mistakes. because the future seems basically 'unreal to AD children, anticipating future consequences or rewards is not factored into current behavioural choices. AD children are frequently late for life and oblivious to deadlines. "
they are talking about kids here but obviously this applies to adults as those learned behaviours continue into adulthood. when I read this made so much sense about my ex who couldn't see into the future for himself and just lived day to day, never making plans or being able to organise really anything in advance
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Post by alexandra on Jan 13, 2020 2:13:28 GMT
We are both in our late 30s and she has never really been in a relationship before.
We never had arguments or heated disagreements or anything like that. But during the 6 months she always seemed to be hesitant to make us officially bf/gf. Everytime we get close it feels like she pulls away... Something just didn't seem right, especially after a few months. Fast forward to 2 months ago, ... She told me that we are compatible in ever way but she can't seem to put her finger on what the issue is. , I'm sorry you're hurting. I understand how you feel, having repeated similarly broken relationships with different avoidants over and over for years and years before I understood it. I highlighted some key parts of your post. First, if someone has never been in a real relationship by their late 30s, it's highly unlikely you're going to be the person who will magically have a great relationship with them. There's a reason they chose never to be romantically committed before, and it has everything to do with them. Just because someone says they're ready doesn't mean they are -- there's a magical thinking aspect to all insecure attachment styles. If someone has a history like this and can't openly/comfortably talk about, I never wanted to commit when I was younger, but then this happened and I started rethinking what I wanted, and then I did a, b, c to work on myself... then they likely don't have the tools to suddenly have a healthy relationship. Maybe they're in the middle of working on that and say, please be patient, I'm doing this to work on it but I'm not there yet, then you can decide if that's a fulfilling enough situation for you. But she was doing none of that. She didn't want to commit but knew you wanted her to. She was going through the motions without being excited about a real relationship, though perhaps she's excited about the fantasy idea of one. If words and actions aren't aligned, take that as a future red flag if you're looking for a serious relationship with someone that they are likely not in the emotional place to show up for one. It's also a huge red flag to never argue. It's incredibly important to a relationship to see that you can problem-solve together and do real conflict resolution. Every relationship I've ever been in with no disagreements were always with avoidants who were repressing all their feelings until I got blind-sided at some point. Anxious preoccupied can do this too. It all stems from a lack of belief in the strength of romantic relationships in general -- if there's any real vulnerability, maybe the partner will leave. This is likely due to observed childhood dynamics where disagreements meant someone blowing up in anger or stone walling. It was scary, unsafe, needs still wouldn't get met, and maybe someone would even leave. So, fighting becomes a horrible thing to avoid. I am not a proponent of any yelling or constant fights or debates or anything, but never experiencing real team conflict-resolution and mutual repression and unintentional eggshell-walking due to poor communication has destroyed some of my past relationships. Honestly ask yourself if any of that rings true in why you two never argued. Do also trust your instincts. If something doesn't seem right, it's probably not. At that point, you need to parse out where it isn't right. Is it your problem unrelated to your partner (maybe past relationship or childhood baggage projected), is it your partner's problem unrelated to you (same projection), and/or is it a problem in your relationship (compatibility)? In this case, if she's DA, then it's her problem unrelated to you (her fear of commitment) which means you can't fix it. If she's DA and you're not, it's also a compatibility problem with your relationship -- you each have different needs around space, connection, and commitment. And finally, you don't say anything about your attachment style? Have you explored that? Taken any assessments? Are you secure or insecurely attached? Finally, if someone is an adult who has some life experience, as someone in their late 30s does, if they know something is wrong with how they're feeling but can't figure out the issue after a bunch of time (6 months, in this case), that's a huge red flag. It means they are disconnected from themselves and don't know themselves or what they want. They likely aren't aware of it, because it feels normal, but it usually is because they are over coupling something (see this link: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2372/overcoupling-stress-response) and have unprocessed trauma unrelated to you but interfering with them being present as a partner. It's a lot, especially if you have never seen it before, but even if she changes her mind... she'd have to be motivated to do a heck of a lot of painful work on herself for the dynamic to truly change. The most you can really do right now is assume her inability to decide is your answer (she's not ready or not able for a serious relationship), and really reflect on yourself instead of her. Do you have any pattern of going for unavailable women? Do you feel like longing is love, and there needs to be some chasing involved in your relationships? |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 13, 2020 2:17:15 GMT
yes that makes sense. I just read this online from an attachment treatment centre: "time is experienced by children with attachment disorders as separate discreet moments, as a series of disconnected 'nows'. there is little or no experience of time as a linear continuum. attention is primarily focused on the 'now' and neither past nor future is commonly invoked, for both lack of sufficient sense of reality to consciously impact the thinking, problem solving, planning or behavioural functioning of children with AD. this leads to a host of time related problems. the two most prominent are a lack of learning from experience and a lack of advance planning. because of the present centred focus, past experience and its related learning is not accessed. present behaviour and decisions do not benefit thereby, and this often leads to the repitition of identical or similar mistakes. because the future seems basically 'unreal to AD children, anticipating future consequences or rewards is not factored into current behavioural choices. AD children are frequently late for life and oblivious to deadlines. " they are talking about kids here but obviously this applies to adults as those learned behaviours continue into adulthood. when I read this made so much sense about my ex who couldn't see into the future for himself and just lived day to day, never making plans or being able to organise really anything in advance I think this makes sense, but there's a disconnect in that it's also really difficult for AD to be present and in the present. A lot of anxiety for AP and FA actually occurs because they're worried about what could happen, not what is happening. All attachment styles also may daydream or find other forms of disassociation to avoid feeling present and (painfully) connected to themselves. So there's some contradictions and inconsistencies in how this may pan out in insecure attachment styled adults as well. |
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kelly
New Member
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Post by kelly on Jan 13, 2020 4:19:02 GMT
Do yourself a big favor and don’t spend months trying to analyze her actions and reactions and everything she said and did to try to make sense of it all. In the end, it doesn’t really matter although we SO want everything to just make sense and be reasonable. The reason it doesn’t matter is because, ultimately, she is NOT your person. You don’t want someone that is unsure, needs time, says one thing but does another and basically just keeps you in a constant state of uncertainty. She’s not your person. Healthy love is different. It’s better. Move on. Save yourself from wasted time trying to figure it all out.
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Post by amber on Jan 13, 2020 4:35:38 GMT
Yeah I can back up what kelly says about trying not to overanalyse everything to the nth degree.i have done this for the last two months and met with y ex Saturday and I still don’t completely understand it. It’s such a time waster figuring it all out.i think it’s good to have an idea about why things happened and then accept that and let it go
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Post by malambing on Jan 17, 2020 11:00:41 GMT
I went through something similar a few years ago, in one of my earlier relationships. He acted confused and said "I need time." I immediately went no contact because it hurt too much (what was there to say?), but if I'm honest probably waited for a year for him to come back. It's been over four years later and still nothing. It doesn't hurt anymore but sometimes I still get angry at myself for wasting as much as I did.
Please please don't waste your time like I did. Take everyone's advice here and try to move on.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 17, 2020 18:30:56 GMT
I don't think it's a time waster if you're trying to analyze it in order to understand attachment theory and use it in tandem with working on your own security. Understanding the dynamics between different attachment styles can really help in earning secure. This can lead to learning how to be a better communicator, stop taking on too much responsibility for someone else's issues, and understand why you might be prone to getting stuck on someone not committed enough. It involves a primary focus on self, though, and is hard (but worthwhile) work.
But if you're ruminating about how to get back a specific person and look for the magic answer about how to fix, and you're waiting for them, that can quickly become a waste of time and selling yourself very short.
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