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Post by amber on Jan 11, 2020 21:58:15 GMT
So I met with my ex FA two months after breaking up to have a ‘closure type” talk.ultimatley it did leave me more confused and with more questions than answers. He said he didn’t know what he could offer in relationship, and how much he could open or give and realised he met his limitations in relationship when we ended. He expressed not knowing if the connection and love he had for me was strong enough to want to keep growing with me.
I did challenge him and say that may be because he has never had a safe positive connection with anyone (except friends) so he doesn’t even know what that looks/feels like. He agreed that was most likely true and that his low self worth was likely playing a part. He said he was afraid he couldn’t meet my needs and was afraid of hurting me. I got caught up in a “i just want to win his love back/prove I’m worthy/ show him why he fees this way type thing which in hindsight was not a good thing.
So the same patterns and dynamic playing out between us again.
Moral of the story probably not a good idea to try to get closure from
Another! He tells me he doesn’t know what the future holds for us but wants to remain connected through friendship. I don’t think that will work for me so probably need to go no contact again.
Feeling really unwell physically and emotionally today 😢
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jan 11, 2020 22:23:49 GMT
Moral of the story probably not a good idea to try to get closure from Another! I think you are right. They are not in touch with their feelings, and probably too unaware, confused and scared to bring any clarity to why the break up happened. And as you say, maybe cannot recognize a person that would have been good for them. Maybe because it feels unfamiliar to them? Why did you want to have a closure conversation? What did you wish to get out of it? Did you hope he would get together with you again? |
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Post by amber on Jan 11, 2020 22:28:27 GMT
Moral of the story probably not a good idea to try to get closure from Another! I think you are right. They are not in touch with their feelings, and probably too unaware, confused and scared to bring any clarity to why the break up happened. And as you say, maybe cannot recognize a person that would have been good for them. Maybe because it feels unfamiliar to them? Why did you want to have a closure conversation? What did you wish to get out of it? Did you hope he would get together with you again? Yeah I’d say there is an element of not recognising someone good for them. He did say im the first person that has really given to him in a loving caring way...he’s always been with women who needed rescuing. I wanted to clarify some questions I had for him. Probably was hoping in some way that he may want to get back together, but I know this wouldn’t have worked long term .think that’s just the unworthy part of me needing validation |
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Post by kittygirl on Jan 11, 2020 22:47:20 GMT
Amber I am sorry you are having a bad day and that this feels like it ended up causing you pain. Try to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up with "I wish I wouldn't have" or "why did i do that" etc. One positive way of looking at this is that you now have EVEN MORE evidence than you did before that this is in no way a good or productive relationship for you. He has had his space and he comes back to the table as the exact same person he was before (remember that friend I told you about who was dating the FA woman and has been in a horrible push/pull thing with her ever since? Well I was having a moment of weakness the other night and wanted to reach out to my ex and he told me "you need to be prepared that he will be the exact same person who he was when you broke up. YOu will have done growing and processing and reflection and he will have done none". And that's not because he's an FA-that's because he is literally not working on himself. Same story with your ex.). Maybe it helps to almost think of this as a new beginning...like beginning 2.0. You now KNOW it's never ever going to change. Ever. You can move on and work on your own stuff and know that you will enter the dating world as a stronger, more aware person. THAT is strength.
I will say I am impressed that he was willing to meet with you, knowing it was in order to have a really unpleasant discussion. That alone tells me he does care about you. He is just incapable of the relationship you want and need. He simply can't do it.
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Post by amber on Jan 12, 2020 3:55:19 GMT
Amber I am sorry you are having a bad day and that this feels like it ended up causing you pain. Try to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up with "I wish I wouldn't have" or "why did i do that" etc. One positive way of looking at this is that you now have EVEN MORE evidence than you did before that this is in no way a good or productive relationship for you. He has had his space and he comes back to the table as the exact same person he was before (remember that friend I told you about who was dating the FA woman and has been in a horrible push/pull thing with her ever since? Well I was having a moment of weakness the other night and wanted to reach out to my ex and he told me "you need to be prepared that he will be the exact same person who he was when you broke up. YOu will have done growing and processing and reflection and he will have done none". And that's not because he's an FA-that's because he is literally not working on himself. Same story with your ex.). Maybe it helps to almost think of this as a new beginning...like beginning 2.0. You now KNOW it's never ever going to change. Ever. You can move on and work on your own stuff and know that you will enter the dating world as a stronger, more aware person. THAT is strength. I will say I am impressed that he was willing to meet with you, knowing it was in order to have a really unpleasant discussion. That alone tells me he does care about you. He is just incapable of the relationship you want and need. He simply can't do it. Thankyou. That’s good to hear...it’s true that he hadn’t really had much more insight into what happened and his patterns in relationship since we broke up. I ended playing a bit of a therapist role with him as I desperately wanted him to see what was really happening (aware this is a dysfunctional pattern of mine). Like always he seems to understand and agrees but no changes get made. Goes in one ear and out the other. He has been drinking a lot and was at least aware that he has consciously chosen self destructive activities over healthier ones when they have been presented to him. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 12, 2020 5:54:43 GMT
I’m sorry it took so long to get that meeting over and done with, amber. I get the feeling you just saw that part of the cycle amplified. The stronger you chased, the faster he pulled back. At least you know now, for sure, that that type of relationship isn’t what you want in your life. He’s acting in type, pulling away, you’re doing the same, going towards. I hope you feel better soon. |
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Post by anne12 on Jan 12, 2020 6:47:53 GMT
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Post by amber on Jan 12, 2020 7:54:55 GMT
I’m sorry it took so long to get that meeting over and done with, amber. I get the feeling you just saw that part of the cycle amplified. The stronger you chased, the faster he pulled back. At least you know now, for sure, that that type of relationship isn’t what you want in your life. He’s acting in type, pulling away, you’re doing the same, going towards. I hope you feel better soon. Thankyou It was good meeting him actually now that I’ve had time to process. It was so clear how our dynamic hasn’t changed and that he is still so unavailable for intimacy. He has been acting in self destructive ways since we broke up and not facing any pain to do with the breakup. He also told me his mum was a full blown alcoholic from age ten which I wasn’t aware of so that adds another piece to the puzzle. Makes me realise how significant his developmental trauma was and how untrustworthy he must be of women |
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Post by amber on Jan 12, 2020 7:58:17 GMT
I'm so sorry this happened this way. I do think it SEEMS nice that he admitted to certain behaviors, but as you know, that never amounts to much if he won't work on them. I want to say he took some responsibility to meet with you, for you. But maybe also, it was for him. It's really hard to tell via simple posts. It's hard to get closure from someone else when you are attached. Contact with them feeds your emotions, and you will want more of that. It's why no contact exists. It's like drug rehab. Cleansing the drugs from your system. You can't be free of the drugs by taking them just one more time. It's really hard to see that when you're in it. You think they can give you something to release you, but it just doesn't work that way. You want more. I say this from experience. If you are able to go no contact and stick with it, even though he wants more and may reach out, you will eventually feel empowered. I don't blame anyone for slipping, but if you achieve it, you should be damn proud of yourself. It's like dieting. You definitely will feel good and empowered for what you've achieved. He definetly wanted to meet with me as he confessed feeling very bad for hurting me when he ended things. So I think he wanted to chat to make sure I didn’t hate him and to try to rectify his guilt. Talking with him made me realise how much time I spent in our r/ship talking him through his problems and listening to his issues; he has a lot of shit going on and I got caught up in it. Many times he would agree when I suggested maybe he had patterns because of XYZ in his childhood, but he didn’t do anything with that info. Like falling on deaf ears. Definetly need to do a detox; I won’t be contacting him and not sure what I’ll do if he contacts me, I have a feeling he won’t or it will be minimal anyway. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 12, 2020 10:46:38 GMT
I'm so sorry this happened this way. I do think it SEEMS nice that he admitted to certain behaviors, but as you know, that never amounts to much if he won't work on them. I want to say he took some responsibility to meet with you, for you. But maybe also, it was for him. It's really hard to tell via simple posts. It's hard to get closure from someone else when you are attached. Contact with them feeds your emotions, and you will want more of that. It's why no contact exists. It's like drug rehab. Cleansing the drugs from your system. You can't be free of the drugs by taking them just one more time. It's really hard to see that when you're in it. You think they can give you something to release you, but it just doesn't work that way. You want more. I say this from experience. If you are able to go no contact and stick with it, even though he wants more and may reach out, you will eventually feel empowered. I don't blame anyone for slipping, but if you achieve it, you should be damn proud of yourself. It's like dieting. You definitely will feel good and empowered for what you've achieved. He definetly wanted to meet with me as he confessed feeling very bad for hurting me when he ended things. So I think he wanted to chat to make sure I didn’t hate him and to try to rectify his guilt. Talking with him made me realise how much time I spent in our r/ship talking him through his problems and listening to his issues; he has a lot of shit going on and I got caught up in it. Many times he would agree when I suggested maybe he had patterns because of XYZ in his childhood, but he didn’t do anything with that info. Like falling on deaf ears. Definetly need to do a detox; I won’t be contacting him and not sure what I’ll do if he contacts me, I have a feeling he won’t or it will be minimal anyway. Honestly...that exact scenario happened when I first met up with B after he broke up with me. He told me how appreciative he was for how caring and accepting I was towards him during the time we dated and that he initially did not think it was going to be anything but a casual relationship but that he grew to love me. I was his longest girlfriend at the time. He also wanted to remain friends....which I tried....but....I did have a motive to try to get back with him. In hindsight, I feel I was a bit of a crutch....someone he knew cared about him...so he still wanted to be around me while he looked for someone else. Once he found someone else....all of his energy went towards her and he said some incredibly painful things to me the last time we saw each other. It is as if his internal story changed and I now was not viewed the same way....which really was hard to swallow. I don’t recommend friendship unless you can truly change how you view him. |
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Post by serenity on Jan 13, 2020 1:29:42 GMT
I'm so sorry this happened this way. I do think it SEEMS nice that he admitted to certain behaviors, but as you know, that never amounts to much if he won't work on them. I want to say he took some responsibility to meet with you, for you. But maybe also, it was for him. It's really hard to tell via simple posts. It's hard to get closure from someone else when you are attached. Contact with them feeds your emotions, and you will want more of that. It's why no contact exists. It's like drug rehab. Cleansing the drugs from your system. You can't be free of the drugs by taking them just one more time. It's really hard to see that when you're in it. You think they can give you something to release you, but it just doesn't work that way. You want more. I say this from experience. If you are able to go no contact and stick with it, even though he wants more and may reach out, you will eventually feel empowered. I don't blame anyone for slipping, but if you achieve it, you should be damn proud of yourself. It's like dieting. You definitely will feel good and empowered for what you've achieved. He definetly wanted to meet with me as he confessed feeling very bad for hurting me when he ended things. So I think he wanted to chat to make sure I didn’t hate him and to try to rectify his guilt. Talking with him made me realise how much time I spent in our r/ship talking him through his problems and listening to his issues; he has a lot of shit going on and I got caught up in it. Many times he would agree when I suggested maybe he had patterns because of XYZ in his childhood, but he didn’t do anything with that info. Like falling on deaf ears. Definetly need to do a detox; I won’t be contacting him and not sure what I’ll do if he contacts me, I have a feeling he won’t or it will be minimal anyway. So awful Amber, I'm sorry that meeting was so hurtful  Please don't accept his proposal to keep you benched as a potential future option. Real friendship is not being benched while a guy explores his other options. If you wish to properly detach and detox, block his access to you for at least 3 months. You need to overcome your addiction to him, above all. When that fades, your perspective will change a lot. You will also need to grieve and face the full spectrum of your feelings about this loss. And above all, you need to find your anger and reclaim your self worth in all of this. Don't let him hijack any part of this process. You may be freinds in the future, if you choose it. But if you properly detox, grieve, and overcome addiction, the power will be firmly in your hands next time, and you will be invulnerable. |
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Post by amber on Jan 13, 2020 4:37:13 GMT
Thankyou
Yeah keeping in contact is gonna hurt especially if I found out he was with someone else
Need to rebuild myself and my self esteem back up and focus on me for a while
This r/ship sucked the life out of me
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addict
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Post by addict on Jan 13, 2020 21:16:27 GMT
So I met with my ex FA two months after breaking up to have a ‘closure type” talk.ultimatley it did leave me more confused and with more questions than answers. He said he didn’t know what he could offer in relationship, and how much he could open or give and realised he met his limitations in relationship when we ended. He expressed not knowing if the connection and love he had for me was strong enough to want to keep growing with me. I did challenge him and say that may be because he has never had a safe positive connection with anyone (except friends) so he doesn’t even know what that looks/feels like. He agreed that was most likely true and that his low self worth was likely playing a part. He said he was afraid he couldn’t meet my needs and was afraid of hurting me. I got caught up in a “i just want to win his love back/prove I’m worthy/ show him why he fees this way type thing which in hindsight was not a good thing. So the same patterns and dynamic playing out between us again. Moral of the story probably not a good idea to try to get closure from Another! He tells me he doesn’t know what the future holds for us but wants to remain connected through friendship. I don’t think that will work for me so probably need to go no contact again. Feeling really unwell physically and emotionally today 😢 Aww I'm so sorry you're feeling physically unwell and emotionally.... To be honest if it had been me I would have thought secretly that to meet me there would have been hope for us to get back together... It's probably knocked you for six knowing this isn't the case... Similar to what I've been through! So confusing and makes you feel so triggered! I never got closure and that hurt like hell, almost like was I so unimportant to you after 8 years that you couldn't say goodbye... It was truly hideous but I guess in his mind he's given me closure by the distance he's kept... I'd prefer not to work it out on my own but I had to... It was a few months ago and I think I've accepted he's moved on... He has a girlfriend now and although I'm a bit jealous because I know how lovely he can be I have to move on too and make the most of the life I have without him... Sending big hugs x |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 15, 2020 12:21:50 GMT
So I met with my ex FA two months after breaking up to have a ‘closure type” talk.ultimatley it did leave me more confused and with more questions than answers. He said he didn’t know what he could offer in relationship, and how much he could open or give and realised he met his limitations in relationship when we ended. He expressed not knowing if the connection and love he had for me was strong enough to want to keep growing with me. I did challenge him and say that may be because he has never had a safe positive connection with anyone (except friends) so he doesn’t even know what that looks/feels like. He agreed that was most likely true and that his low self worth was likely playing a part. He said he was afraid he couldn’t meet my needs and was afraid of hurting me. I got caught up in a “i just want to win his love back/prove I’m worthy/ show him why he fees this way type thing which in hindsight was not a good thing. So the same patterns and dynamic playing out between us again. Moral of the story probably not a good idea to try to get closure from Another! He tells me he doesn’t know what the future holds for us but wants to remain connected through friendship. I don’t think that will work for me so probably need to go no contact again. Feeling really unwell physically and emotionally today 😢 Aww I'm so sorry you're feeling physically unwell and emotionally.... To be honest if it had been me I would have thought secretly that to meet me there would have been hope for us to get back together... It's probably knocked you for six knowing this isn't the case... Similar to what I've been through! So confusing and makes you feel so triggered! I never got closure and that hurt like hell, almost like was I so unimportant to you after 8 years that you couldn't say goodbye... It was truly hideous but I guess in his mind he's given me closure by the distance he's kept... I'd prefer not to work it out on my own but I had to... It was a few months ago and I think I've accepted he's moved on... He has a girlfriend now and although I'm a bit jealous because I know how lovely he can be I have to move on too and make the most of the life I have without him... Sending big hugs x It is amazing how we can cling to the “nice” aspects of an ex partner.💕💕 |
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addict
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Post by addict on Jan 15, 2020 20:12:38 GMT
Aww I'm so sorry you're feeling physically unwell and emotionally.... To be honest if it had been me I would have thought secretly that to meet me there would have been hope for us to get back together... It's probably knocked you for six knowing this isn't the case... Similar to what I've been through! So confusing and makes you feel so triggered! I never got closure and that hurt like hell, almost like was I so unimportant to you after 8 years that you couldn't say goodbye... It was truly hideous but I guess in his mind he's given me closure by the distance he's kept... I'd prefer not to work it out on my own but I had to... It was a few months ago and I think I've accepted he's moved on... He has a girlfriend now and although I'm a bit jealous because I know how lovely he can be I have to move on too and make the most of the life I have without him... Sending big hugs x It is amazing how we can cling to the “nice” aspects of an ex partner.💕💕 Absolutely! Maybe it's just in our personality to do this... "it ain't over till it's over"... All very confusing but time and space and trying to take your mind of it when feeling reminiscent helps... Big hugs x |
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Please don't accept his proposal to keep you benched as a potential future option. Real friendship is not being benched while a guy explores his other options.