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Post by tnr9 on Jan 12, 2020 16:03:01 GMT
One of the hurtful aspects of the last time B and I saw each other is how he changed the story regarding how long we were together. When he broke up with me....he had told me that I was his longest girlfriend and then went on to talk about another girl he had dated where he said it was only 3 months of dating and then 6 months of “unraveling”. In some way..this was important to me as it felt that I was special to him and that being the longest meant that all the work I had done trying to be less AP was working. The last time I saw him....he reminded me that he had “tried” to break up with me after 3 months. This is true..he had mentioned while drunk that I was 3 steps ahead of him....however...I simply responded that he should find someone who fully supports his dreams and then asked if we were still dating. That is when he ramped things up...I met his best friend that evening, met his parents the next night....he started to refer to me as his gf, he asked for keys to my place, he moved a bunch of cloths etc to my place. All of a sudden...I was common.....I was the woman he tried to break up with because he had no desire to be with me long term. (He actually said, haven’t you ever dated someone you knew you did not have a future with? To which I answered no.). Since I am trying to have a more accurate picture of B and not just idealize him...I wanted to put this out there. 😕
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Post by alexandra on Jan 12, 2020 19:05:33 GMT
tnr9, this isn't you, it's a somewhat common thing to happen. As we've talked about on this forum in some other threads, some avoidants can have spotty memories and inconsistent descriptions of time periods (stemming back from childhood and often related to dysfunctional defense mechanisms developing from some sort of trauma). In my experience, people who remember their childhood in vague terms and change their stories about growing up do this as adults as well. I think you're right that the narrative also changes because this type of person, disconnected from themselves, also tries to write in a response to describe their feelings in retrospect, as they seem to lack the tools in the present when something is happening. Plus, they may suffer from issues with object constancy. So, while "on," they may tell one wonderful story, while "off" that story changes negatively, sometimes it can even change back and forth. I've had that happen to me with deactivation, and if you take it too seriously and assume it's intentional (it's usually not), then it feels like you're being gaslit. That's why it's so crazy-making. You do know he wanted something more casual and wasn't very honest with you about it during the relationship. That has always seemed consistent in your posts. The rest of his story changes. Stay focused on YOU telling the story and being able to trust YOUR experience. He doesn't get to be your unreliable narrator anymore. It can be true that you meant a great deal to him, but he's flakey and fickle and doesn't have the maturity to handle relationships well or be able to sustain healthy feelings. That was true his entire relationship history prior to meeting you, even if he seems to be doing better with those things now (and maybe he did some work on himself and is, but you really don't know what's truly going on behind closed doors).
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