Post by osemka8 on Aug 21, 2017 8:51:31 GMT
Hey, everyone.
As all of you I come here quite confused about things that happened this year. Perhaps I'm just venting, I don't really know.
I (28) met an amazing girl (23) in May and (since I had to leave to the US a month later for 2-3 months), we decided to get to know each other as much as we could, so we could see if we click. We did, amazingly. We did so many different things together and shared the same interests, view on life. But some things were odd from the start:
- hasn't had a real relationship yet, only some high-school one and has been single for 5 years
- always talks about how she can get herself occupied (I am much more but I still find time for the things/people I love and I don't "brag" about it)
- has never been in love
- has amazingly high standards
- had anorexia nervosa few years back and thus has a very, very low self image and self-esteem, got bullied
- doesn't know how to express feelingss but is "working" on it
- wants to take things slow (who says this in the first place? If you like someone, you go with the flow)
- starts opening up when she sees the other one is trying hard for her, wants to feel safe before she does
- said she got burnt in past in her love life (haven't we all? I was abused by BPD and BD, but I still learnt a lot from that)
Since I had realtionships involving personality disorders before, I looked at this from a different perspective. But I was still falling in love. We both were. She was so happy, just shining. Few days before I left she was a bit anxious during our walk and I asked her what's wrong. She wanted to know where we stand and wanted to be a part of my life. I didn't pressure her in a single thing as I am a secure person. So we became exclusive. When I left, she gave me a present which I opened up in the US. It was an expensive chocolate box, inside was a collage of pictures from our time together and a sign to hang on a wall saying: "Someone's thinking about you.". She started opening herself up at the end before I left.
So, I left in June. She started becoming distant (not messaging as often and pointless texts) and I told her I'm not satisfied with the effort she is putting in the communication. Instead of trying to fix things (since I was the one she was searching for all along), she did this:
- said her emotions changed (in 2 weeks after I left?!), but a week before even said over the phone she misses me (A BIG DEAL) with a bit of fear in her voice
- the reason was because we didn't have enough time to get to know each other
- decided to break the connection ENTIRELY, but I proposed once per week to not lose what we had. She agreed
- no empathy whatsoever
So I had to come home early, a month and a half after I left. We met:
- her pupils were dilated (anxiety?)
- she was so odd, a bit robotic
- told me it's a common thing that a person's emotions change in a blink of an eye like with her
- so now the reason for the break-up was not too little time, but cause it isn't what she's looking for, she is not ready for a relationship and when I tried to explain how things work in dating, she said this, completely in fear: "I don't want to hurt you." (I didn't know what to respond...)
- she was so afraid when we were talking a bit more openly at the end, she started shaking. The conversation was pointless from then on
- said there's something wrong with her and I explained her the attachment styles. She said there is finally a label on it and I sent her stuff to read about cause she wanted to
- out of all the nervousness started pulling skin on her fingers, I had to say goodbye then
My anxiety got high. Everytime this happens I try not to react under it, so I sent a nice text every 2-3 days, saying I appreciate her wanting to get to know what's going on and am looking forward to meeting her next time. Nothing. The third text I sent her, it was saying I'm disappointed about her not replying back and she said to just accept things how they are. That things change. One week later I explained her a bit more what's going on and a week after that I cannot go on, because her behavior is not healthy, I can only help and can't pick up the prize for her. Nothing. But she read all the texts right away every time.
So It's now been a bit over 3 weeks of NC. She was falling in love, I could see that from her eyes and behavior, then she pushed away. Just stuffed everything inside. This is a totally different person now. I do know how I stand out from the others with my education, looks, hobbies etc. and she saw that. I even surpassed her high standards, but now it's not what's she's looking for and it's not enough? That's odd. I took her on dates she could only dream of.
Well, if she indeed stuffed emotions inside, do they stay there or do they get out at some point? She liked me, even almost loved, is this enough someone could reach out again? She is under a lot of stress as she failed her 2 exams when I left to the US and it means she has to pass them now or she will be in a bit of a trouble. Oh, she is very poor under stress. I will ask her for a jog when things settle in a month or two.
If anyone read hrough this and has experience in it, I am open to any suggestions and extra insight. I still have some anxiety in me, but I am working hard on myself as always.
Thank you.
As all of you I come here quite confused about things that happened this year. Perhaps I'm just venting, I don't really know.
I (28) met an amazing girl (23) in May and (since I had to leave to the US a month later for 2-3 months), we decided to get to know each other as much as we could, so we could see if we click. We did, amazingly. We did so many different things together and shared the same interests, view on life. But some things were odd from the start:
- hasn't had a real relationship yet, only some high-school one and has been single for 5 years
- always talks about how she can get herself occupied (I am much more but I still find time for the things/people I love and I don't "brag" about it)
- has never been in love
- has amazingly high standards
- had anorexia nervosa few years back and thus has a very, very low self image and self-esteem, got bullied
- doesn't know how to express feelingss but is "working" on it
- wants to take things slow (who says this in the first place? If you like someone, you go with the flow)
- starts opening up when she sees the other one is trying hard for her, wants to feel safe before she does
- said she got burnt in past in her love life (haven't we all? I was abused by BPD and BD, but I still learnt a lot from that)
Since I had realtionships involving personality disorders before, I looked at this from a different perspective. But I was still falling in love. We both were. She was so happy, just shining. Few days before I left she was a bit anxious during our walk and I asked her what's wrong. She wanted to know where we stand and wanted to be a part of my life. I didn't pressure her in a single thing as I am a secure person. So we became exclusive. When I left, she gave me a present which I opened up in the US. It was an expensive chocolate box, inside was a collage of pictures from our time together and a sign to hang on a wall saying: "Someone's thinking about you.". She started opening herself up at the end before I left.
So, I left in June. She started becoming distant (not messaging as often and pointless texts) and I told her I'm not satisfied with the effort she is putting in the communication. Instead of trying to fix things (since I was the one she was searching for all along), she did this:
- said her emotions changed (in 2 weeks after I left?!), but a week before even said over the phone she misses me (A BIG DEAL) with a bit of fear in her voice
- the reason was because we didn't have enough time to get to know each other
- decided to break the connection ENTIRELY, but I proposed once per week to not lose what we had. She agreed
- no empathy whatsoever
So I had to come home early, a month and a half after I left. We met:
- her pupils were dilated (anxiety?)
- she was so odd, a bit robotic
- told me it's a common thing that a person's emotions change in a blink of an eye like with her
- so now the reason for the break-up was not too little time, but cause it isn't what she's looking for, she is not ready for a relationship and when I tried to explain how things work in dating, she said this, completely in fear: "I don't want to hurt you." (I didn't know what to respond...)
- she was so afraid when we were talking a bit more openly at the end, she started shaking. The conversation was pointless from then on
- said there's something wrong with her and I explained her the attachment styles. She said there is finally a label on it and I sent her stuff to read about cause she wanted to
- out of all the nervousness started pulling skin on her fingers, I had to say goodbye then
My anxiety got high. Everytime this happens I try not to react under it, so I sent a nice text every 2-3 days, saying I appreciate her wanting to get to know what's going on and am looking forward to meeting her next time. Nothing. The third text I sent her, it was saying I'm disappointed about her not replying back and she said to just accept things how they are. That things change. One week later I explained her a bit more what's going on and a week after that I cannot go on, because her behavior is not healthy, I can only help and can't pick up the prize for her. Nothing. But she read all the texts right away every time.
So It's now been a bit over 3 weeks of NC. She was falling in love, I could see that from her eyes and behavior, then she pushed away. Just stuffed everything inside. This is a totally different person now. I do know how I stand out from the others with my education, looks, hobbies etc. and she saw that. I even surpassed her high standards, but now it's not what's she's looking for and it's not enough? That's odd. I took her on dates she could only dream of.
Well, if she indeed stuffed emotions inside, do they stay there or do they get out at some point? She liked me, even almost loved, is this enough someone could reach out again? She is under a lot of stress as she failed her 2 exams when I left to the US and it means she has to pass them now or she will be in a bit of a trouble. Oh, she is very poor under stress. I will ask her for a jog when things settle in a month or two.
If anyone read hrough this and has experience in it, I am open to any suggestions and extra insight. I still have some anxiety in me, but I am working hard on myself as always.
Thank you.
