Me
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Posts: 54
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Post by Me on Jan 17, 2020 4:31:09 GMT
I thought my partner was DA but now from what others have said I'm thinking possibly FA or and he has some narcissistic traits as well as being avoidant . He could even be a full blown narcissist but he doesnt tick every box so I'm not sure. DA seems to be the thing that best describes him but obviously I'm just guessing here from what I have read.
My question is has anyone broken up with someone who is both dismissive and narcissistic ? Or has any ideas on how the person would respond ?
I know avoidants generally handle break ups well but narcissists can be very difficult, angry, manipulative etc . I'm wondering which part sort of wins out the avoidant part or the narcissistic part . Also would it make a difference that he sort of pushed me away or dismissed me first so maybe he wouldn't view it so much as a rejection on my part ?
I'm just very nervous because I still need to have contact with him because of our child and I dont know how he would react. I've heard such bad things about narcissists if they perceive it as a blow to their self esteem / pride but he is so dismissive its hard to imagine it affecting him in any way .
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Post by serenity on Jan 17, 2020 5:03:02 GMT
Hey Rach <3 I'm sorry to hear things are rough atm. I sure feel for you having to continue contact because of your child.
You can use something called the `gray rock' method to deal with either type (avoidant or narcissist). If you google `gray rock method' there is a lot of advice about it... its kind of like making yourself boring to them, whilst not giving out any of your energy. Its not too different to an avoidant's `fade out'.
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Me
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by Me on Jan 17, 2020 5:20:16 GMT
You can use something called the `gray rock' method to deal with either type (avoidant or narcissist). If you google `gray rock method' there is a lot of advice about it... its kind of like making yourself boring to them, whilst not giving out any of your energy. Its not too different to an avoidant's `fade out'.
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I have heard of that I will try it . I've stopped letting him push me around and started to be more firm but I'm still reacting so I probably need to stop doing that and just be boring . I didnt realise you could use the technique with avoidants as well so that is interesting. I'm sort of hoping he will get sick of me and discard me .
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Post by serenity on Jan 17, 2020 5:44:29 GMT
Hugs. Are you still living together at the moment? And is he showing abusive or manipulative behaviours? |
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Me
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Posts: 54
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Post by Me on Jan 17, 2020 6:58:55 GMT
Hugs. Are you still living together at the moment? And is he showing abusive or manipulative behaviours? Yes still living together . I think he is emotionally abusive . It's hard to tell I guess whether some things are abusive or just deactivating strategies . He does things like stonewall, gaslight , put me down and criticize me and I'm sort of walking on eggshells its not that he will yell but just like I will do something wrong and he will say something or kind of act like I'm dumb or just be quietly annoyed . It's really subtle and feels abusive but then other times I think I'm over reacting . I'm not comfortable doing anything around him and everything I do I'm thinking of how to keep him happy. His ex has accused him of really bad things |
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Post by annieb on Jan 17, 2020 15:20:38 GMT
Hugs. Are you still living together at the moment? And is he showing abusive or manipulative behaviours? Yes still living together . I think he is emotionally abusive . It's hard to tell I guess whether some things are abusive or just deactivating strategies . He does things like stonewall, gaslight , put me down and criticize me and I'm sort of walking on eggshells its not that he will yell but just like I will do something wrong and he will say something or kind of act like I'm dumb or just be quietly annoyed . It's really subtle and feels abusive but then other times I think I'm over reacting . I'm not comfortable doing anything around him and everything I do I'm thinking of how to keep him happy. His ex has accused him of really bad things This is exactly how my last narcissistic boyfriend acted. He was stonewalling and dismissive and projected and gaslit me a lot. I was also in eggshells in the end and I decided to bounce. He accused me of all the things he was doing. He called me abusive, he called me a liar and manipulative. Basically projected all his qualities onto me. Get to safety because this can turn into a physical abuse one a dime. Mine grabbed my arm and grabbed me forcefully several times. I had the sense to not react or it would have gotten worse. Try to line up your ducks in the row to get out to the living situation. If you can stay with a friend that’s the best, and then slowly you will get your life back. If you can, go complete NC with him because any contact will bring you back to square one. You will not change this person. Save yourself. And I’m so sorry this happened to you! |
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Post by annieb on Jan 17, 2020 15:25:56 GMT
To answer your initial question. The breakup was ugly and it was both the dismissive behavior, as well as angry and controlling behavior that he exhibited. He wanted me to leave, but was in touch within 2 days wanting to talk. I eventually went to see him and that was a big mistake as I was at square one. It took me a while to get back and away from that codependent mindset. I wouldn’t really worry about how he will react, but I would get to safety or have a place to stay if he does flip out. My last days with him were terrifying.
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Me
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by Me on Jan 18, 2020 0:48:01 GMT
Thanks both of you . I've been looking for a place to rent . I do have some family I could stay with so I'm not alone . My biggest worry is my son , I'm scared of losing him and that's why I havent left yet . My partner has made false allegations about me in the past so that makes me very nervous especially hearing how manipulative narcissists can be .
There was some pretty serious allegations from his ex . She claimed he was violent during the relationship and it became quite severe after separating. I was hoping it wont come to that with us because he seems to be more avoidant with me than he was with her but I guess theres no way of knowing how he will react .
I'm going to get some legal advice and I have spoken to a DV support worker who has offered assistance if I need it
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Post by annieb on Jan 18, 2020 15:25:38 GMT
Thanks both of you . I've been looking for a place to rent . I do have some family I could stay with so I'm not alone . My biggest worry is my son , I'm scared of losing him and that's why I havent left yet . My partner has made false allegations about me in the past so that makes me very nervous especially hearing how manipulative narcissists can be . There was some pretty serious allegations from his ex . She claimed he was violent during the relationship and it became quite severe after separating. I was hoping it wont come to that with us because he seems to be more avoidant with me than he was with her but I guess theres no way of knowing how he will react . I'm going to get some legal advice and I have spoken to a DV support worker who has offered assistance if I need it Me - it’s great that you have already thought this through. In the long run it will be better for your son if he doesn’t see his mom being disrespected on the daily. I’ve been with violent men and the only reason they didn’t hit me was because they were afraid I would bash their heads in. He could be intimidated by your stature, or understand the consequences or whatever else, but his behavior can easily escalate. So be careful leaving, and best if luck to you. The most dangerous time with a violent man is the breakup, so extra safety and protection is necessary. |
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