Post by bohemianraspberry on Jul 28, 2020 9:03:55 GMT
So, it finally happened: I've got triggered anxious in this relationship. It only lasted for a couple of days, and is over now, but I want to share this update.
Ironically, it happened almost at the date 6 months after we first met - which seems to be a classical turning point in many stories here..
It was time for summer holidays, and we managed to get two weeks of vacation at the same time, where I was without my kids. In advance we talked about things to do, but it was of course limited because of the pandemic.
He prefers to stay at home, at his place or mine. He has been very tired ever since I met him, slept a lot, also at daytime, fell in sleep when we watched a movie together etc. I have thought it was after effects of his depression, and sort of got used to it. He also have a lot of nightmares, which I suspect having to come from unresolved childhood trauma.
After spending two nights together I suggested we went for a two days trip. I addressed the fact that this might be the first time we should spend more than two nights in a row in each others company. He got stressed realizing this, and we joked about that our relationship might not survive this. He was stressed during these days, but not avoiding me. I do think the worst thing for him was staying away from home. We ended up spending 5 nights together in a row, and it actually went better than suspected. The last night at his place. When I left he said he'd got used to having me around. And texted me soon after to tell he missed me.
During these days, he got really upset because he got a text message from his mother, asking if he was all right. They have minimal contact, and he do not like her. He say I am the first he has been able to open up to about his relationship to his mother. She left when he was 7, and he has never felt that she loved him. She always has criticized him and is clearly triggering him very anxious. It took him half a week to reply to her message. He is not sure to go no contact with her or not.
He his obviously traumatized from this relationship. When I met him I actually was reading the book "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving", which is recommended by several people in this forum. I am pretty sure that his symptoms matches CPTSD.
After some days apart I visit him again for a couple of nights. This time his sleeping pattern has turned, and for the first time he is awake and get up before me, and is also awake during daytime. But the last night scares me. He doesn't want to go to bed together with me. He sits by his computer, that I realize is his kind of survival strategy, to keep distracted in nerdy stuff. This is also probably why he is uncomfortable staying away from home, because he doesn't have the equipment that calms him down.
When I get up the next morning he still has not gone to bed. I ask if everything is OK. He say he is thinking about a job he is considering to apply to, and a couple of other things that seems like excuses. I am starting to be afraid that he consider breaking up (as FA prefer to end things first), so I ask if there is something else bothering him. He says he is thinking about his mother. And this is clearly the big issue. He share something more from his childhood. He finally managed to confront her with her behavior (not against just him, but everyone around her) a few years ago. I listen and ask a couple of questions. Like if he thinks she is a psychopath, and he say she got certain traits.
He say he is sorry that I had to see him this way. I say it is OK, this is him as well, and that I will try not to take it personally. He says it has nothing to do with me, and that I actually should be honored that he wants me around, because when he is like this he usually isolate, do not pick up the phone, not even for his best friend.
I leave but got this weird feeling he is going to hurt himself. He has a history of a suicide attempt (many years ago), and medication for being suicidal last year after the bad treatment/breakup with his former girlfriend (which he also refers to as a possible psychopath). So I send a message asking if he wants me to come back, and that I don't like leaving him when he is feeling bad. He answered some hours later that he felt asleep and is better now.
The next day we talk an hour on the phone. He say that he feels broken. I assure him that I love him even if he has some struggles. Earlier (maybe 10 years ago) he has been a much more outgoing and social person, but now he has social anxiety. I ask him if he wants to do something to get better. He say he hopes the frequency of the bad phases would be less in the future, when he doesn't hear from his mother. He has tried several things, and do not know what else to try. I say you have not talked to a psychologist yet. He say some years ago he has been talking with his doctor every other week (he lived in another part of the country then, so do not have this doctor now). I say it is not the same thing, because the doctor do not have the same amount of time and competence.
I do not push this, as he has explicitly said that he is a person that doesn't like being told what to do. I think this trait also come from having a controlling mother. So if he is going to treatment is has to be his own idea. Me going to suggest it or push it would be counterproductive.
A couple of days after he visits me and stay the night, and leave right after breakfast. I comment gently that you just want to be home by yourself right now. A couple of hours later I think of something I had forgot to tell him, so I call him. But he do not pick up the phone or call back. Some hours later I send him a photo of some handy thing I was proud to complete in my home. No answer, and this is uncommon, because he always answers my texts or calls back. But maybe he is asleep, I think.
This is when I start reading about CPTSD again. This googling is obviously something I do when I am triggered anxious. I read several articles. Several hours went by and still no reply. I decide to send him a link to an article written by a psychologist. The theme is "abandonment depression", and the term complex PTSD is also mentioned. The article is not so clinical but compassionate and with case stories to relate to. I send the link and ask if he recognize himself in this. No reply.
The next day I am anxious. Knowing about the FA behavior, I fear that this avoidant phase will last for days or weeks. And I say to myself that I cannot put myself through this. I manage to wait until the eventing to contact him again. I text that he is so quiet that it makes me anxious, and asks him to send a little sign. He answers with a kiss right away. I ask if he only wants to be left alone now. He answers no, he is only busy doing some computer stuff.
I realize it might be bad timing that I sent him that article at the time when he clearly was triggered avoidant. So I decide not to address his issues. Not make it a big deal. Rather going back to communicate like we did before. A couple of days after that he is back to sending me sweet and lovely texts about how he loves me. We talk on the phone and I say it is good to hear that you are yourself again. He replys that he use to be OK after some days.
Compared to other stories here, this was not a hard time going through, but it is enough red flags to make me write in this forum again.
The bottom line is that I am worried that he will get worse if his trauma is not treated. It will effect our relationship because I already see that it limits what kind of activities we do together. Like he prefers to stay at home and have several excuses why we should not do things that I suggest. In retrospect have figured out is his social anxiety talking, and have made it clear to him that I understand he is protecting himself and that I will try to be understanding when suggesting activities.
I know he is able to change in some ways, because he has made an effort to clean and organize his home during the summer (that has been a mess, understandably after moving in when he was in depressed). He also is reducing the amount of candy and coca cola he digests, after I pointed out that he seems addicted to sugar, and that many people use sugar to regulate feelings. He joked about that he should go to sugar rehab, I laughed but told him that all kinds of addiction should be treated by working with the underlying reason why people use the "drug" in the first place.
I know he reads a lot of articles, for instance he read a lot about attachment theory when I told him about it in the beginning of our relationship. But because of his mistrust in people I think it is not easy for him to conclude that he should see a therapist and even less go through with it.
Any ideas of how I can support him?
Ironically, it happened almost at the date 6 months after we first met - which seems to be a classical turning point in many stories here..
It was time for summer holidays, and we managed to get two weeks of vacation at the same time, where I was without my kids. In advance we talked about things to do, but it was of course limited because of the pandemic.
He prefers to stay at home, at his place or mine. He has been very tired ever since I met him, slept a lot, also at daytime, fell in sleep when we watched a movie together etc. I have thought it was after effects of his depression, and sort of got used to it. He also have a lot of nightmares, which I suspect having to come from unresolved childhood trauma.
After spending two nights together I suggested we went for a two days trip. I addressed the fact that this might be the first time we should spend more than two nights in a row in each others company. He got stressed realizing this, and we joked about that our relationship might not survive this. He was stressed during these days, but not avoiding me. I do think the worst thing for him was staying away from home. We ended up spending 5 nights together in a row, and it actually went better than suspected. The last night at his place. When I left he said he'd got used to having me around. And texted me soon after to tell he missed me.
During these days, he got really upset because he got a text message from his mother, asking if he was all right. They have minimal contact, and he do not like her. He say I am the first he has been able to open up to about his relationship to his mother. She left when he was 7, and he has never felt that she loved him. She always has criticized him and is clearly triggering him very anxious. It took him half a week to reply to her message. He is not sure to go no contact with her or not.
He his obviously traumatized from this relationship. When I met him I actually was reading the book "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving", which is recommended by several people in this forum. I am pretty sure that his symptoms matches CPTSD.
After some days apart I visit him again for a couple of nights. This time his sleeping pattern has turned, and for the first time he is awake and get up before me, and is also awake during daytime. But the last night scares me. He doesn't want to go to bed together with me. He sits by his computer, that I realize is his kind of survival strategy, to keep distracted in nerdy stuff. This is also probably why he is uncomfortable staying away from home, because he doesn't have the equipment that calms him down.
When I get up the next morning he still has not gone to bed. I ask if everything is OK. He say he is thinking about a job he is considering to apply to, and a couple of other things that seems like excuses. I am starting to be afraid that he consider breaking up (as FA prefer to end things first), so I ask if there is something else bothering him. He says he is thinking about his mother. And this is clearly the big issue. He share something more from his childhood. He finally managed to confront her with her behavior (not against just him, but everyone around her) a few years ago. I listen and ask a couple of questions. Like if he thinks she is a psychopath, and he say she got certain traits.
He say he is sorry that I had to see him this way. I say it is OK, this is him as well, and that I will try not to take it personally. He says it has nothing to do with me, and that I actually should be honored that he wants me around, because when he is like this he usually isolate, do not pick up the phone, not even for his best friend.
I leave but got this weird feeling he is going to hurt himself. He has a history of a suicide attempt (many years ago), and medication for being suicidal last year after the bad treatment/breakup with his former girlfriend (which he also refers to as a possible psychopath). So I send a message asking if he wants me to come back, and that I don't like leaving him when he is feeling bad. He answered some hours later that he felt asleep and is better now.
The next day we talk an hour on the phone. He say that he feels broken. I assure him that I love him even if he has some struggles. Earlier (maybe 10 years ago) he has been a much more outgoing and social person, but now he has social anxiety. I ask him if he wants to do something to get better. He say he hopes the frequency of the bad phases would be less in the future, when he doesn't hear from his mother. He has tried several things, and do not know what else to try. I say you have not talked to a psychologist yet. He say some years ago he has been talking with his doctor every other week (he lived in another part of the country then, so do not have this doctor now). I say it is not the same thing, because the doctor do not have the same amount of time and competence.
I do not push this, as he has explicitly said that he is a person that doesn't like being told what to do. I think this trait also come from having a controlling mother. So if he is going to treatment is has to be his own idea. Me going to suggest it or push it would be counterproductive.
A couple of days after he visits me and stay the night, and leave right after breakfast. I comment gently that you just want to be home by yourself right now. A couple of hours later I think of something I had forgot to tell him, so I call him. But he do not pick up the phone or call back. Some hours later I send him a photo of some handy thing I was proud to complete in my home. No answer, and this is uncommon, because he always answers my texts or calls back. But maybe he is asleep, I think.
This is when I start reading about CPTSD again. This googling is obviously something I do when I am triggered anxious. I read several articles. Several hours went by and still no reply. I decide to send him a link to an article written by a psychologist. The theme is "abandonment depression", and the term complex PTSD is also mentioned. The article is not so clinical but compassionate and with case stories to relate to. I send the link and ask if he recognize himself in this. No reply.
The next day I am anxious. Knowing about the FA behavior, I fear that this avoidant phase will last for days or weeks. And I say to myself that I cannot put myself through this. I manage to wait until the eventing to contact him again. I text that he is so quiet that it makes me anxious, and asks him to send a little sign. He answers with a kiss right away. I ask if he only wants to be left alone now. He answers no, he is only busy doing some computer stuff.
I realize it might be bad timing that I sent him that article at the time when he clearly was triggered avoidant. So I decide not to address his issues. Not make it a big deal. Rather going back to communicate like we did before. A couple of days after that he is back to sending me sweet and lovely texts about how he loves me. We talk on the phone and I say it is good to hear that you are yourself again. He replys that he use to be OK after some days.
Compared to other stories here, this was not a hard time going through, but it is enough red flags to make me write in this forum again.
The bottom line is that I am worried that he will get worse if his trauma is not treated. It will effect our relationship because I already see that it limits what kind of activities we do together. Like he prefers to stay at home and have several excuses why we should not do things that I suggest. In retrospect have figured out is his social anxiety talking, and have made it clear to him that I understand he is protecting himself and that I will try to be understanding when suggesting activities.
I know he is able to change in some ways, because he has made an effort to clean and organize his home during the summer (that has been a mess, understandably after moving in when he was in depressed). He also is reducing the amount of candy and coca cola he digests, after I pointed out that he seems addicted to sugar, and that many people use sugar to regulate feelings. He joked about that he should go to sugar rehab, I laughed but told him that all kinds of addiction should be treated by working with the underlying reason why people use the "drug" in the first place.
I know he reads a lot of articles, for instance he read a lot about attachment theory when I told him about it in the beginning of our relationship. But because of his mistrust in people I think it is not easy for him to conclude that he should see a therapist and even less go through with it.
Any ideas of how I can support him?
It is the majority of the time that you need to catch emotional bids, not the minority.