some interesting gold nuggets about dismissive attachment
Jan 18, 2020 9:18:19 GMT
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Post by amber on Jan 18, 2020 9:18:19 GMT
this could have gone in FA or DA but the book I'm reading is about avoidant attachment. they do mention FA as a subtype but speak generally about avoidant attachment style.
just wanted to share as I found it very enlightening and helpful in understanding DA/FA
the book is called "attachment and the defence against intimacy"
I'm sharing the bits I think are some of the best ones
"avoidant individuals have had to adapt to caregivers who were non-reciprocal, dismissive, or disparaging, so that they felt needed rather than wanted, and this is the core attachment wound behind their guarded defences. as children they learned to be both self soothing and self stimulating, a pattern which makes adult couple relationships difficult"
quoting stan tatkin in the book: "the avoidants pseudosecurity is rooted in a fantasy of omnipresence and permanence. this fantasy allows the avoidant to spend extended time away from the primary figure"
" to further understand the dismissing dilemma we can distinguish between the impact of mild distress and that of serious attachment related stress. when an avoidant person feels mild distress (and this is not attachment related) he or she can seek care and can also give it. they may enjoy giving 'instrumental' care. however, when issues of attachment and loss become intense, then avoidant defences will be switched on. if a partner needs support at such a moment it cannot be forthcoming and they will be dismayed to find that their avoidant partner withdraws precisely at the moment that the care is needed and hoped for. if distress were to become very severe then these distancing, deactivating strategies will in turn break sown and then the avoidant persons vulnerability may be painfully over exposed. this Is one way of understanding the brittleness of the false self: if it does begin to crack there may be a dramatic loss of function before, we hope, a recovery to a more sustainable and integrated experience of self"
" an alternative categorisation is offered by Crittenden. she distinguishes between different types of parental neglect, the strategy developed to cope with an intrusive mother differs from that evolved to deal with a withdrawing caregiver. in the case of intrusion, the child learns to down regulate and to behave in a cool, polite, and formal ways as the best method for discouraging attention. where the mother withdraws, the child ma display falsely positive feelings to signal that all is fine and no demands will be made. when an adult client performs in this upbeat way we tend to feel distanced and perhaps bored"
"the avoidant persons need for distance from a partner is linked to their need to maintain distance from the self. because these individuals lack capacity to regulate feelings they rely largely on banning their emotions. distancing and withdraws from a relationship may be actual or more psychological, simply being tuned out most of the tie, physically present but emotionally absent"
she discusses r/ship between AP and DA: " attachment theory can explain this bond in terms of a fit between the two sets of internal working models. each partner finds something familiar which meets their expectations: preoccupied people expect partners to have low interest and attention; dismissing people expect partners to be overly demanding. psychodynamic thinking would suggest an additional reason: we fall in love with people who carry a disavowed part of the self-this is the projected fit. for the avoidant partner, the ambivalent is carrying his or her vulnerability and longing for closeness; for the preoccupied person the avoidant is carrying his or her independence"
hope you enjoyed reading
just wanted to share as I found it very enlightening and helpful in understanding DA/FA
the book is called "attachment and the defence against intimacy"
I'm sharing the bits I think are some of the best ones
"avoidant individuals have had to adapt to caregivers who were non-reciprocal, dismissive, or disparaging, so that they felt needed rather than wanted, and this is the core attachment wound behind their guarded defences. as children they learned to be both self soothing and self stimulating, a pattern which makes adult couple relationships difficult"
quoting stan tatkin in the book: "the avoidants pseudosecurity is rooted in a fantasy of omnipresence and permanence. this fantasy allows the avoidant to spend extended time away from the primary figure"
" to further understand the dismissing dilemma we can distinguish between the impact of mild distress and that of serious attachment related stress. when an avoidant person feels mild distress (and this is not attachment related) he or she can seek care and can also give it. they may enjoy giving 'instrumental' care. however, when issues of attachment and loss become intense, then avoidant defences will be switched on. if a partner needs support at such a moment it cannot be forthcoming and they will be dismayed to find that their avoidant partner withdraws precisely at the moment that the care is needed and hoped for. if distress were to become very severe then these distancing, deactivating strategies will in turn break sown and then the avoidant persons vulnerability may be painfully over exposed. this Is one way of understanding the brittleness of the false self: if it does begin to crack there may be a dramatic loss of function before, we hope, a recovery to a more sustainable and integrated experience of self"
" an alternative categorisation is offered by Crittenden. she distinguishes between different types of parental neglect, the strategy developed to cope with an intrusive mother differs from that evolved to deal with a withdrawing caregiver. in the case of intrusion, the child learns to down regulate and to behave in a cool, polite, and formal ways as the best method for discouraging attention. where the mother withdraws, the child ma display falsely positive feelings to signal that all is fine and no demands will be made. when an adult client performs in this upbeat way we tend to feel distanced and perhaps bored"
"the avoidant persons need for distance from a partner is linked to their need to maintain distance from the self. because these individuals lack capacity to regulate feelings they rely largely on banning their emotions. distancing and withdraws from a relationship may be actual or more psychological, simply being tuned out most of the tie, physically present but emotionally absent"
she discusses r/ship between AP and DA: " attachment theory can explain this bond in terms of a fit between the two sets of internal working models. each partner finds something familiar which meets their expectations: preoccupied people expect partners to have low interest and attention; dismissing people expect partners to be overly demanding. psychodynamic thinking would suggest an additional reason: we fall in love with people who carry a disavowed part of the self-this is the projected fit. for the avoidant partner, the ambivalent is carrying his or her vulnerability and longing for closeness; for the preoccupied person the avoidant is carrying his or her independence"
hope you enjoyed reading