I'm just going to leave this here

jules Worthwhile cheeky article, but maybe move it to the general board instead? It's all insecure attachment styles.

mrob, I automatically read these things as gender-neutral in my head! Since anyone can have any of these issues. But I can see why it's pushing bad gender habits for people not doing that.

I liked that it was instructing people to look inward and have better boundaries and do self work in all the what should be happening here answers. Which also instructs partners not to take on someone else's stuff and be codependent. A little too simplified but also a little cheeky. But you're right -- if you take it at face value and it's about men only, then it's not useful.

Is anyone without flags?
I top that list being an alcoholic. Who measures "the work"
To what degree is the color red? Is it even possible to find someone with out some level of baggage that meshes with our own? I guess I have been thinking so hard about does it even exist? Meshing lives and being in love? Doing the work that a relationship entails but enjoying EACHOTHER still? I guess I have been entirely too contemplative for my own good. Definitely have been isolating myself. Weather is not helping.

And I’m sorry for the reaction above, too. It’s a soft spot for me. The fact that women are generally far more effective has been rubbed in my whole life. It’s the truth, and I generally just suck it up, but lack of sleep just got me.

I cannot stress enough how I do not care for people who call names period. I was married for about a dozen years. And we never called eachother names. I always had the foresight to say "this is getting heated, let's take 5 before we say something hurtful"
You cannot take those things back and they sting. Sometimes for a good long while. I can still hear some rough stuff that was said to me as a child. Not how I am.

Being an alcoholic in recovery is a challenge with normal drinkers too. Dating people in the program is also challenging as I dont think it's good to shit where I eat. So i meet people on line who go to different rooms. But the pickings can be slim. As articulated by the last guy, no car, in a recovery house. I recently started talking to someone who was in prison for 15 years, (strong arm robbery while on drugs, obviously off drugs for over a decade now. paid his debt to society) out for 2. I have no realjudgment here but my family and friends would freak out.
And honestly hes over eager beaver, or AP I guess and it's kinda turning me off. But the fact that hes even an option is where I am if I want to spend time with someone who understands recovery, which I prefer.

I'm just in a funk. Intellectually. this should not be that difficult. But it is proving to be just that difficult. I dislike thinking I peaked at 22 when i got engaged. My ex is secure. I dont think I have dated AP, and it clearly didnt work with the FA (who is a good friend now btw) but no romance at all and I thankfu8lost those feelings on October.
I'm just lonely. I want to be held. Touch deprivation is a thing. I feel that. rate to it.
Probably not as much as the jail bird who has not been with a woman in 17 years, lol.

That's my MO. Turn it into a joke and not think about how complex this is. Therapist thinks I do that when I've overwhelmed my thinking. Unhappy with not cracking it immediately. So I guess I'm impatient.
Litany of things to work on!

There’s nothing “wrong” as such. It’s the dynamic between an FA like me and an AP that is just so unfair, especially if nobody is aware and doing work on themselves. Having been on the anxious side recently, it’s just terrible! And while I can control my behaviour, I’m acutely aware of its effect on someone else.

An AP may suit someone else, but I’m not willing to live or put someone else through that dynamic again.

lovebunny, can you afford to get full body massages a couple times a month instead? Yes, humans need touch, but you shouldn't have to berate yourself and settle for broken people who are going to enable you to stay stuck in draining situationships out of desperation for touch and companionship. I understand you're not somewhere with a large pool of people you can date, and a massage isn't exactly the same, but if you're counting a random scalp rub as contact, it may be helpful to branch out. Massages are good for circulation and relaxation anyway.

I also wonder how your overall community and support system is? If you're isolated, chasing a relationship won't fix that, but maybe finding more activities you enjoy that can create a community for you would also take some of the edge off. More purpose and new people, less time to ruminate. Possibly can lead you to new social circles that may have singles who aren't online as well.