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Post by ik2020 on Jan 19, 2020 5:32:14 GMT
I've been religiously reading this forum for well over a year now and guess I finally got to the point where I just wanted to thank you all for the insights you've given me... I'm not sure I'd have survived with my sanity intact otherwise! I'll try and keep this brief!
I was with my extremely DA partner E for 19 years. She taught me so much about being self reliant and changed me from a man who was afraid to leave the house to a man who travelled the world. I didn't know anything about attachment then but despite all our amazing adventures I always felt something was missing.
Two years ago I met V at work. I was still with E. (I know... shitty thing to do but don't worry I get my comeuppance 😂) It was a whirlwind romance. We talked about marriage and children. I'd never felt so alive. Six months in and I have a
month long trip to Peru (which has been booked for nearly a year) with E but the plan is when I return I'll end it and move in with V.
I get back and go away with V for the weekend. It spectacularly falls apart. She instantly begins to ghost me and I feel an anxiety like nothing else I've felt before. I'm an absolute mess. I begin counselling and obsessively trawling the internet for anything that would explain what happened. Eventually I come across attachment theory and for the first time I begin to understand what is going on. I had just spent six crazy months in a relationship with an FA.
I begin to come to terms with what has happened. I finally end it with E and begin to come to terms with being an AP. The anxiety starts to ease. I join tinder and meet a lovely girl called H. She is obviously AP but armed with my new knowledge of attachment things should be plain sailing now 😁
E moves departments and ends up working in my building. V is in the same office as me. Two exs at work... Not ideal but I manage to be friendly with both. Things with H are going well but now I'm the one who is pulling away. Far too much detail to go into here but eventually I have a 'sixth sense' type reveal. I'm not AP at all... I'm FA. Suddenly all my previous behaviour makes sense!
So here I am. Trying not to come up with reasons to end it with H. Pushing and pulling in strange friendships with my two avoidant exs. Coming to terms with the fact that I've pushed so many people away in my life. This forum has been my rock. Thanks guys!
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 19, 2020 7:10:51 GMT
Welcome aboard. As you probably have read, i'm not F-A, but I have a distinct interest in F-A behaviour, as I dated one the other year. Isn't it funny, F-A attachment is almost synonymous with whirlwinding almost every time  , certainly high passion and "swept off your feet" type scenario. What other aspects of yourself have you noticed in terms of the standard description on most websites? your actions etc. Can you identify "triggers"? And what is your background in terms of childhood if you don't mind sharing? Are you a people pleaser codependent type do you think? |
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Post by amber on Jan 19, 2020 7:35:24 GMT
Welcome aboard. As you probably have read, i'm not F-A, but I have a distinct interest in F-A behaviour, as I dated one the other year. Isn't it funny, F-A attachment is almost synonymous with whirlwinding almost every time , certainly high passion and "swept off your feet" type scenario. What other aspects of yourself have you noticed in terms of the standard description on most websites? your actions etc. Can you identify "triggers"? And what is your background in terms of childhood if you don't mind sharing? Are you a people pleaser codependent type do you think? Yes I’m curious too,always want to get inside the mind of an fA, to me they are the most fascinating types!! |
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Post by ik2020 on Jan 19, 2020 13:48:33 GMT
Don't mind sharing at all... In fact I have poor boundaries so I'll probably start oversharing 😂 I've tried to do a lot of work on myself over the last year so things have improved but I still have so much to do.
Was I codependent? Absolutely! I had very little idea what I actually wanted so I took on the interests and goals of my ex DA. I was unhappy in that relationship for years but didn't think anyone else would want me so I stuck around. Was I a people pleaser? Yep! It's not that I would pretend to be something I wasn't as such... More I would play up the aspects of my personality that I thought the other person wanted to see.
My actions made absolutely no sense whatsoever. One day you could be my best friend and the next day my enemy. I'd be incredibly pushy organising a trip that you had to come on and then shut down and not reply to your texts and emails for weeks. My triggers are like a minefield. Say something and I might launch into protest behaviour because I think you're going to abandon me. Say the same thing in a different tone and I'll pull away feeling engulfed because you're trying to control me.
I know it's in the name but for me the thing most people seem to overlook is the fear part of the fearful avoidant. We are avoidant because we are fearful. The anxiety of others scares me like a chained up aggressive dog that you then want me to approach and cuddle. I know our behaviour is unfair and at times can seem downright cruel but that is a consequence of our fear and not our motivation. When things calm down the shame of the way we have behaved only makes us avoid more.
I have very few memories of my childhood. I wasn't sexually or physically abused and I can't imagine the pain of people who were. My parents split when I was three. I lived with my mother. She was overbearing as I was all she had left. She didn't want me doing anything that could lead to her losing me. As an example she washed my hands with bleach to make sure there were no germs that could make me ill.
Then she would meet a new man and I'd be abandoned. Not literally, she always provided for me, but emotionally. The relationship wouldn't last (they never did) and so the cycle would repeat. Always too much or never enough. But she was a good woman dealing with her own attachment issues as best she could.
So my last 3 relationships have involved being stuck in an anxious avoidant trap with an extreme DA. A six month whirlwind romance with an FA and eight months with a fairly aware AP. It's tough isn't it!!
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 19, 2020 18:55:49 GMT
Don't mind sharing at all... In fact I have poor boundaries so I'll probably start oversharing 😂 I've tried to do a lot of work on myself over the last year so things have improved but I still have so much to do. Was I codependent? Absolutely! I had very little idea what I actually wanted so I took on the interests and goals of my ex DA. I was unhappy in that relationship for years but didn't think anyone else would want me so I stuck around. Was I a people pleaser? Yep! It's not that I would pretend to be something I wasn't as such... More I would play up the aspects of my personality that I thought the other person wanted to see. My actions made absolutely no sense whatsoever. One day you could be my best friend and the next day my enemy. I'd be incredibly pushy organising a trip that you had to come on and then shut down and not reply to your texts and emails for weeks. My triggers are like a minefield. Say something and I might launch into protest behaviour because I think you're going to abandon me. Say the same thing in a different tone and I'll pull away feeling engulfed because you're trying to control me. I know it's in the name but for me the thing most people seem to overlook is the fear part of the fearful avoidant. We are avoidant because we are fearful. The anxiety of others scares me like a chained up aggressive dog that you then want me to approach and cuddle. I know our behaviour is unfair and at times can seem downright cruel but that is a consequence of our fear and not our motivation. When things calm down the shame of the way we have behaved only makes us avoid more. I have very few memories of my childhood. I wasn't sexually or physically abused and I can't imagine the pain of people who were. My parents split when I was three. I lived with my mother. She was overbearing as I was all she had left. She didn't want me doing anything that could lead to her losing me. As an example she washed my hands with bleach to make sure there were no germs that could make me ill. Then she would meet a new man and I'd be abandoned. Not literally, she always provided for me, but emotionally. The relationship wouldn't last (they never did) and so the cycle would repeat. Always too much or never enough. But she was a good woman dealing with her own attachment issues as best she could. So my last 3 relationships have involved being stuck in an anxious avoidant trap with an extreme DA. A six month whirlwind romance with an FA and eight months with a fairly aware AP. It's tough isn't it!! Thanks for sharing ik2020. really appreciate it, good insight. People aren't going to understand the "fear", as certainly in my case witnessing the F-A behaviour for the first time in my life (even at age 41-42 at the time), it literally comes across as gameplaying, which it isn't, it's the passive-aggressive protest behaviour, avoidant pulling away, or the "explosion" due to bottled up emotions etc etc. Also now I understand a lot more about CPTSD and trauma, it just fits like a glove to me logically. |
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Post by amber on Jan 19, 2020 20:28:00 GMT
Don't mind sharing at all... In fact I have poor boundaries so I'll probably start oversharing 😂 I've tried to do a lot of work on myself over the last year so things have improved but I still have so much to do. Was I codependent? Absolutely! I had very little idea what I actually wanted so I took on the interests and goals of my ex DA. I was unhappy in that relationship for years but didn't think anyone else would want me so I stuck around. Was I a people pleaser? Yep! It's not that I would pretend to be something I wasn't as such... More I would play up the aspects of my personality that I thought the other person wanted to see. My actions made absolutely no sense whatsoever. One day you could be my best friend and the next day my enemy. I'd be incredibly pushy organising a trip that you had to come on and then shut down and not reply to your texts and emails for weeks. My triggers are like a minefield. Say something and I might launch into protest behaviour because I think you're going to abandon me. Say the same thing in a different tone and I'll pull away feeling engulfed because you're trying to control me. I know it's in the name but for me the thing most people seem to overlook is the fear part of the fearful avoidant. We are avoidant because we are fearful. The anxiety of others scares me like a chained up aggressive dog that you then want me to approach and cuddle. I know our behaviour is unfair and at times can seem downright cruel but that is a consequence of our fear and not our motivation. When things calm down the shame of the way we have behaved only makes us avoid more. I have very few memories of my childhood. I wasn't sexually or physically abused and I can't imagine the pain of people who were. My parents split when I was three. I lived with my mother. She was overbearing as I was all she had left. She didn't want me doing anything that could lead to her losing me. As an example she washed my hands with bleach to make sure there were no germs that could make me ill. Then she would meet a new man and I'd be abandoned. Not literally, she always provided for me, but emotionally. The relationship wouldn't last (they never did) and so the cycle would repeat. Always too much or never enough. But she was a good woman dealing with her own attachment issues as best she could. So my last 3 relationships have involved being stuck in an anxious avoidant trap with an extreme DA. A six month whirlwind romance with an FA and eight months with a fairly aware AP. It's tough isn't it!! Thanks for sharing! Interesting story. How old are you now if you don’t mind me asking? Interesting that you are now with an AP after DA...how do you find that is going for you? Is it easier, or harder for you so far? Or just different?as an fA do you display your emotions when you are upset or keep them in and go along and pretend mike everything is ok, and just distance or withdraw? Thanks! |
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Post by ik2020 on Jan 19, 2020 22:39:06 GMT
I really need to learn more about CPTSD Dualcitizen... Do you know any good resources you could recommend?
I'm 43 now amber... Wish I'd learnt about this stuff 20 years ago! It was a conscious choice to date someone who wasn't an avoidant. When I started dating again I focused on avoidant red flags and moved on as soon as I saw any. No idea if that was a good move but I wanted to try something different...
And it's tough! As our attachment has grown over the last eight months I'm finding it more and more difficult. Sometimes her neediness just completely overwhelms me and it takes all my strength not to end it and run away. I try my best to talk to her but yeah I'm increasingly triggered and go silent. Then I have to talk myself round and realise this is my shit not hers. If I hadn't learnt about attachment I'd have ended it by now without a doubt. Probably claiming she wasn't "the one".
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 19, 2020 22:51:12 GMT
I really need to learn more about CPTSD Dualcitizen... Do you know any good resources you could recommend? I'm 43 now amber... Wish I'd learnt about this stuff 20 years ago! It was a conscious choice to date someone who wasn't an avoidant. When I started dating again I focused on avoidant red flags and moved on as soon as I saw any. No idea if that was a good move but I wanted to try something different... And it's tough! As our attachment has grown over the last eight months I'm finding it more and more difficult. Sometimes her neediness just completely overwhelms me and it takes all my strength not to end it and run away. I try my best to talk to her but yeah I'm increasingly triggered and go silent. Then I have to talk myself round and realise this is my shit not hers. If I hadn't learnt about attachment I'd have ended it by now without a doubt. Probably claiming she wasn't "the one". The best links I've found are as follows: Richard Grannon (spartanlifecoach), Crappy Childhood Fairy is also interesting to listen too, who themselves have read and used Pete Walkers book entitled, "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving". Also I would recommend Thais Gibson - Personal development school on youtube, and Liberty Cairde on youtube and facebook. The last two are Fearful-Avoidant attached individuals who have worked hard and reduced the effects of the attachment style on their lives, very heartwarming to witness. All the best to you. |
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Post by kittygirl on Jan 19, 2020 23:38:33 GMT
Welcome to the forum! And let me say how much I appreciate how OPEN and articulate you are with your emotions and feelings! I know sometimes it might be hard to even identify them at all, let alone describe them in a way that strangers on the internet can understand-but you have! For what it's worth-it may all feel like a giant mess right now, but knowing about attachment and digging in to all the resources available (I have also been looking at the C-PTSD stuff because of @dualcitizen...he's influencing us all! and realizing that is probably going to be so important for my (now ex) to heal, move forward and find a relationship in which he can stay with the person in relative happiness) you are really going to start to get a much better grasp on this stuff I reckon. The book Dualcitizen mentioned COMPLETELY changed the way I see the deactivations, emotional flashbacks, push/pull cycling etc. Game changer. Welcome and so glad you decided to show your "face". |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 20, 2020 17:23:36 GMT
I really need to learn more about CPTSD Dualcitizen... Do you know any good resources you could recommend? I'm 43 now amber... Wish I'd learnt about this stuff 20 years ago! It was a conscious choice to date someone who wasn't an avoidant. When I started dating again I focused on avoidant red flags and moved on as soon as I saw any. No idea if that was a good move but I wanted to try something different... And it's tough! As our attachment has grown over the last eight months I'm finding it more and more difficult. Sometimes her neediness just completely overwhelms me and it takes all my strength not to end it and run away. I try my best to talk to her but yeah I'm increasingly triggered and go silent. Then I have to talk myself round and realise this is my shit not hers. If I hadn't learnt about attachment I'd have ended it by now without a doubt. Probably claiming she wasn't "the one". I hate “the one”.....ugh...it was used on me. |
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, certainly high passion and "swept off your feet" type scenario.
