Post by aisling on Aug 25, 2017 5:06:16 GMT
I broke up with my FA partner a few months back, but I'm still having a hard time getting over his inability to apologize, or rather, his unwillingness to ever say he was sorry or acknowledge causing harm. I keep getting stuck on my resentment over it. He generally refused to take accountability, and I want to just take that at face-value, but I can't understand why it's so difficult to just say "I'm sorry."
First it was the beginning of our relationship, when he told me he didn't know if he'd be attracted to me in the future; he insisted that he shouldn't have to apologize for it because I "made up a story" around it even though he acknowledged that those were the words he said and I didn't misconstrue it. More than that, he claimed that I wasn't letting him be himself, so I was the one in the wrong (he implied I was in the wrong). I don't get it. I told him that him saying that shook the foundation of our relationship and my trust in it, not to mention that it really upset me that he said this after initiating sex with me, but that I didn't think he was a jerk for saying it (I kinda think he was, now), and that still didn't generate empathy for me. At all.
Another glaring example was when he told me he felt obligated to tell me that he wanted to live with me whenever I said I wanted to live with him. I told him, very vulnerably, that this hurt, that it touched on earlier trust issues, and that I needed an apology for him misrepresenting the truth... I was careful to not say he was lieing since I knew it would probably cause him to check out. I wasn't loud, but calm, albeit not warm. I know you're not supposed to ask for an apology, but at that point, I was kinda over never getting apologies and never standing up for myself when he would do stuff like that. I would normally just let it slide to keep the peace, but that time, I was upset, and I was clear that in these instances, I needed apologies from now on in order to move forward. He responded to this by defending himself and saying that part of him did want to live with me, but that it wasn't a goal of his for us, so that meant he wasn't lieing, so he shouldn't have to apologize. I replied by saying no, that wasn't ok for him to defend himself and invalidate my feelings. He responded to that by covering his ears, telling me that i was hurting him, and walking out my door. Needless to say, I was gutted.
This was pretty typical behavior for him. He seemed so hell bent on being right all the time, and I don't get it. It came across as narcissistic and seemed like he was so, so invested in maintaining this image of himself as being a really nice guy that he couldn't just be human and say, hey, I hurt you, I see that I could have said that better, and I'll work on that. It seemed like me asking for an apology was me asking him to admit that he had something within him that was wrong... and I wasn't. I very explicitly told him, several times, that I wasn't saying that who he was bad or wrong, but that he did something hurtful. I strongly believe that we all hurt each other. That happens. I usually don't jump to the conclusion that someone's an asshole when they hurt me. I usually assume there's something else going on there. But with him, that just ended up hurting me.
After a conflict occurs, I personally feel like it's really important for both parties to try and come to the table and take responsibility for their part in an argument. With my FA ex, we would usually let conversations around needs escalate into full-blown conflict, which is something that's pretty common in the anxious-avoidant trap... clearly fighting about differing needs in intimacy. But what I don't get is why?? What's going on? Why is it so hard for some people to just apologize? And I can't decided if my ex's lack of empathy was just typical avoidant stuff or pretty narcissistic?
Does anyone have any insight into this?
First it was the beginning of our relationship, when he told me he didn't know if he'd be attracted to me in the future; he insisted that he shouldn't have to apologize for it because I "made up a story" around it even though he acknowledged that those were the words he said and I didn't misconstrue it. More than that, he claimed that I wasn't letting him be himself, so I was the one in the wrong (he implied I was in the wrong). I don't get it. I told him that him saying that shook the foundation of our relationship and my trust in it, not to mention that it really upset me that he said this after initiating sex with me, but that I didn't think he was a jerk for saying it (I kinda think he was, now), and that still didn't generate empathy for me. At all.
Another glaring example was when he told me he felt obligated to tell me that he wanted to live with me whenever I said I wanted to live with him. I told him, very vulnerably, that this hurt, that it touched on earlier trust issues, and that I needed an apology for him misrepresenting the truth... I was careful to not say he was lieing since I knew it would probably cause him to check out. I wasn't loud, but calm, albeit not warm. I know you're not supposed to ask for an apology, but at that point, I was kinda over never getting apologies and never standing up for myself when he would do stuff like that. I would normally just let it slide to keep the peace, but that time, I was upset, and I was clear that in these instances, I needed apologies from now on in order to move forward. He responded to this by defending himself and saying that part of him did want to live with me, but that it wasn't a goal of his for us, so that meant he wasn't lieing, so he shouldn't have to apologize. I replied by saying no, that wasn't ok for him to defend himself and invalidate my feelings. He responded to that by covering his ears, telling me that i was hurting him, and walking out my door. Needless to say, I was gutted.
This was pretty typical behavior for him. He seemed so hell bent on being right all the time, and I don't get it. It came across as narcissistic and seemed like he was so, so invested in maintaining this image of himself as being a really nice guy that he couldn't just be human and say, hey, I hurt you, I see that I could have said that better, and I'll work on that. It seemed like me asking for an apology was me asking him to admit that he had something within him that was wrong... and I wasn't. I very explicitly told him, several times, that I wasn't saying that who he was bad or wrong, but that he did something hurtful. I strongly believe that we all hurt each other. That happens. I usually don't jump to the conclusion that someone's an asshole when they hurt me. I usually assume there's something else going on there. But with him, that just ended up hurting me.
After a conflict occurs, I personally feel like it's really important for both parties to try and come to the table and take responsibility for their part in an argument. With my FA ex, we would usually let conversations around needs escalate into full-blown conflict, which is something that's pretty common in the anxious-avoidant trap... clearly fighting about differing needs in intimacy. But what I don't get is why?? What's going on? Why is it so hard for some people to just apologize? And I can't decided if my ex's lack of empathy was just typical avoidant stuff or pretty narcissistic?
Does anyone have any insight into this?