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Post by mrob on Jan 25, 2020 7:42:51 GMT
Just from reading the first one, yes. I married upward twice. They soon saw I was all front, though, when I couldn’t (and still can’t) cope with an upwardly mobile sort of life. My daughter is in a far better position, far more prepared for life family and work wise than I ever was.
This sounds like the start of a deactivation for you though, @janedoe. Is this person so distasteful? Is your attachment style pulling a number on your brain?
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jan 25, 2020 11:53:01 GMT
This is very interesting. Yes, I can certainly relate to this...
" So when someone comes at us showing interest, we assume they have a lesser value. It's never a thought that perhaps they have an equal value, because we've unintentionally trained ourselves to believe that anyone who likes us is deeply flawed. It's such a common occurrence that one partner loses interest the second the other partner shows equal interest. We see that as a red flag."
After being used to attracting avoidants, it is now very unfamiliar for me to date a man who is more on the AP-side.
He is intense, texting me many times a day (he is usually initating). Give me lots of compliments, telling me how a wonderful person I am, so perfect for him, like I was sent to him.
He actually said that when we first met, he thought I was "out if his league".
It is a luxury situation to get all this attention, and I am starting to get fond of him.
But I find myself holding back and looking for flaws. Is he smart enough for me? Confident enough? Strong enough integrity to challenge me, and not bend himself to adjust?
I am not sure if these are healthy considerations, or based on an unsecurity in me.
I think of myself as a good person, good catch for a guy (kind, smart, sexy, communicative, independent). I do not think of myself as a person with low value, I do not think I have a low self-esteem. So I cannot seem to find that I fit into AP/FA type.
But could it be that I unconsciously believe I have less value? Because I always get sceptical when guys show more interest than I do.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 25, 2020 17:48:52 GMT
For me....it is a question of intent...I tend to attract introverts because I am very extroverted...but then I feel like all they see in me is a crutch...a way to become more social by clinging tome....that is where my brain goes.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 26, 2020 4:40:14 GMT
Just from reading the first one, yes. I married upward twice. They soon saw I was all front, though, when I couldn’t (and still can’t) cope with an upwardly mobile sort of life. My daughter is in a far better position, far more prepared for life family and work wise than I ever was. This sounds like the start of a deactivation for you though, @janedoe . Is this person so distasteful? Is your attachment style pulling a number on your brain? Mrob, what do you mean by "married upward"? Also "upwardly mobile sort of life"? |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 26, 2020 4:45:34 GMT
He actually said that when we first met, he thought I was "out if his league". It is a luxury situation to get all this attention, and I am starting to get fond of him. The "out of his league" comment to me would point to low self esteem. From the attachment tables certainly would appear to be a bit A-P or F-A in nature. And an F-A can lay it on very thick initially, mine certainly did, to reel me in obviously and create a buffer for what was to come. And that is the thing, everyone likes a compliment, and it can endear you to another person. Certainly any "whirlwind" type behaviour is a bit of a "red flag" imao. A whirlwind will only work longterm in a 1 in a billion chance both are secure in themselves and can transition from that limerence/honeymoon phase to the true love, the interdependent phase with good communication of true feelings and emotions and needs/desires. And truly being willing to work on problems. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 26, 2020 6:22:51 GMT
We don’t really do class in Australia, but it’s there.
Put simply, I’m the product of a single parent, welfare dependent family in housing commission. I married a commercial pilot, daughter of a diplomat and merchant banker. I wasn’t chasing money, but the mindset, the positivity and ambition was fascinating... and she showed interest in me. Not something I was used to. Second time I married a professional from a family of professionals.
I’ve never let this out of the confines of my mind, and it’s very ugly on the screen.
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Post by serenity on Jan 26, 2020 6:28:51 GMT
Showing a lot of interest can work for some types, especially cooler type people. But the availability needs to be offset in some ways IMO. Taking spaces to reflect. Or being popular (especially with the opposite sex). Or having a reputation for being hard to pin down.
Secure guys who were able to draw me in with their targeted interest and consistency usually were popular with the ladies, without being player or Don Juan types. They were just very good at humanising them and found women easy to befriend. The two I'm thinking of made great long term partners. but then again my Dad's secure and great with people, maybe it was mainly just that they reminded me of him.
Might have come across as more desperate and scary if that wasn't the case.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 26, 2020 6:29:35 GMT
We don’t really do class in Australia, but it’s there. Put simply, I’m the product of a single parent, welfare dependent family in housing commission. I married a commercial pilot, daughter of a diplomat and merchant banker. I wasn’t chasing money, but the mindset, the positivity and ambition was fascinating... and she showed interest in me. Not something I was used to. Second time I married a professional from a family of professionals. I’ve never let this out of the confines of my mind, and it’s very ugly on the screen. Thanks very much for sharing Mrob, appreciate it. I see what you mean now |
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Post by mrob on Jan 26, 2020 8:38:40 GMT
I just want to say, as well, I’ve had to learn how to give compliments. To air the sorts of good things I see in people. It doesn’t come naturally. It didn’t happen around me as a kid. So I do try to make people feel good about themselves, and I’d hate for it to be seen every time as manipulative or controlling. Somebody said recently that “a compliment is a way of seeing yourself through another’s eyes”. I just love that.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 26, 2020 19:38:59 GMT
mrob Do you find though that you like someone who doesn't like you? Because someone who likes you must not have value because you feel that way about yourself? (I think this is more in the second article). So then you have to search for someone else who has value because that is how you gain your value... While I'm familiar with this being a reason this happens, I have also seen another reason. It's the entire confusing longing with love thing. If those feelings of "chasing" and/or need for the person's validation aren't present, because maybe there's a calmer type of connection that isn't igniting a nervous system response, then it feels boring in comparison... maybe even like nothing. So it's not that there's a lack of or loss of interest due to availability as much as there's a misunderstanding of the feelings because they're not as intense relative to a nervous system overwhelm (or the normal calming after the honeymoon period ends). |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 26, 2020 20:37:23 GMT
For me....it is a question of intent...I tend to attract introverts because I am very extroverted...but then I feel like all they see in me is a crutch...a way to become more social by clinging tome....that is where my brain goes. I’m not sure how you meant for his to relate to the topic, but to address your point, I guess it’s possible, though I note you say “I feel they see...” so it sounds more like insecurity. I can only speak for myself. I’m an introvert and I actually prefer other introverts because extraverts tend to be too much for me. Most introverts don’t want to be super social. I have my own smaller group of friends, plenty of acquaintances. It’s a challenge to engage with new people because it takes energy and so if you’re the one pursuing the introvert, we then don’t need to find the energy to do so. I’m not scared to do it though and I know how. I am involved in work that requires public speaking and a lot of engagement with people. It’s just about pushing that energy out. I was addressing the topic and what causes me to lose interest. I don’t want to feel responsible to pull someone out of his shell. That is incompatibility as far as I am concerned...not insecurity. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 27, 2020 3:58:12 GMT
mrob Do you find though that you like someone who doesn't like you? Because someone who likes you must not have value because you feel that way about yourself? (I think this is more in the second article). So then you have to search for someone else who has value because that is how you gain your value... I’m going through that right now. Miss Unavailable is, as the name suggests, unavailable. I can’t help but think I’m tolerated rather than actively liked. What is happening with me is that I like her, even though we are basically incompatible. Makes no sense at all until you put it into the context of what longing means to those on the anxious side. It’s not a full blown relationship, and I feel like a bit of an idiot. But the whole lot fits with attachment theory. And, yep, my head is doing a number on me. I’ve been very sceptical of anyone who really likes me. Bit of a contrast to the above! I think it fits in with what alexandra was saying. In my life, I’ve never thought I’ve had the luxury to choose, if that makes sense. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 27, 2020 6:09:38 GMT
Yes, I am perpetuating an unhealthy pattern. I'm thinking about how I am going to deal with this, because it's becoming apparent that I have to. What's interesting is that I'm feeling all this anxiety about it. Sadness, but more anxiety.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 27, 2020 12:17:09 GMT
I was addressing the topic and what causes me to lose interest. I don’t want to feel responsible to pull someone out of his shell. That is incompatibility as far as I am concerned...not insecurity. I see. You aren't at all responsible for that! IF that's what it is. The "I feel..." was attributed to your assessment of what it was in the other person. My point is, that is not all introverts. Just like there are things that are not all APs and not all FAs, etc. I understand...I say I feel because I am an empath. It is a double edged sword, it helps me to be there when someone is in pain...but, i also feel when people want things from me that I can’t give them. I am extroverted but I get drained after a while. |
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