Signs: - dramaqueens - manipulates - uses social agression - uses sex to manipulate - creates drama - can be very charming - uses splitting - bullies - spread rumors - gossips - can also have historinc personality disorder
Female psychopaths Master of manipulation in the workplace "When the publication of our previous book, 'Psychopaths in working life', interest in the subject completely exploded and it shows that our thoughts about psychopathic behavior affect many," says Lisbet Duvringe. It's scary, taboo but also a bit of a tickling topic for many, says Mike Florette. More people need to know more, they both agree ”. In the new book, the authors focus specifically on female psychopathic behavior. It differs from the male and it is more difficult to detect female psychopaths. They are even more driven and uninhibited in their manipulation than male psychopaths, the authors say. The new book is based on interviews, conversations and research by several famous researchers, including the world-famous brain researcher James Fallon, who has also written the foreword to the book. The book also contains 14 stories about people who have been affected by female psychopaths. It also contains advice, prompts and tips on how to approach it.
In this episode, I’m talking with Jodi-Ann Burey and Ruchika Tulshyan about imposter syndrome and the articles they have written together on the topic, including “Stop Telling Women They Have Imposter Syndrome,” which is among the Harvard Business Review’s top 100 most-read articles in history. We talk about the contexts in which imposter syndrome was originally defined, as well as how it continues to be defined and experienced. We also talk about how the problematic myths, required masks, and systemic mindsets connected with the term and how they directly work against creating a culture of belonging.
People are using this simple, powerful concept to focus on what matters most in their personal and work lives. Companies are helping their employees be more productive with study groups, training, and coaching. Sales teams are boosting sales. Churches are conducting classes and recommending for their members. By focusing their energy on one thing at a time people are living more rewarding lives by building their careers, strengthening their finances, losing weight and getting in shape, deepening their faith, and nurturing stronger marriages and personal relationships.
YOU WANT LESS. You want fewer distractions and less on your plate. The daily barrage of e-mails, texts, tweets, messages, and meetings distract you and stress you out. The simultaneous demands of work and family are taking a toll. And what's the cost? Second-rate work, missed deadlines, smaller paychecks, fewer promotions--and lots of stress. AND YOU WANT MORE. You want more productivity from your work. More income for a better lifestyle. You want more satisfaction from life, and more time for yourself, your family, and your friends. NOW YOU CAN HAVE BOTH--LESS AND MORE. In The ONE Thing, you'll learn to * cut through the clutter * achieve better results in less time * build momentum toward your goal* dial down the stress * overcome that overwhelmed feeling * revive your energy * stay on track * master what matters to you The ONE Thing delivers extraordinary results in every area of your life--work, personal, family, and spiritual. WHAT'S YOUR ONE THING
Emotional Labor: What It Is and What It Is Not Emotional labor is a paid chore, not a household chore.
The scenes are familiar. A restaurant customer rudely demands more prompt service, while a harried server struggles to cheerfully float between multiple tables. A caregiver must model patience and compassion while navigating the tantrums of small children. And a nurse must soothe a sick patient while being the recipient of his berating demands. At some point or another in our jobs, we have all experienced emotional labor, the strained endeavor to be outwardly graceful in the face of inward discomfort.
In some cases, emotional labor is part of the job description. In the restaurant business and in the caregiving industry, for example, tips and wages are dependent on one’s ability to exercise emotional restraint during difficult interpersonal exchanges. But in many, if not all, occupational settings, emotional labor rears its not-so-pretty face when interacting with coworkers, bosses, or the company CEO. After all, how easy is it to bite your tongue after being abruptly cut off in mid-sentence by your manager?
There is little doubt that constant emotional labor is exhausting. Studies show that the cumulative effects of constant episodes of masking true feelings with a smile are burnout, strain, job dissatisfaction, and turnover. In the caregiving industry, staff turnover rates in senior care facilities soared to 70 percent and beyond in 2018. In jobs that rely on tipping, mental health outcomes are exacerbated among women. Emotional labor demands—the need to provide comfort and care to the cranky—are likely one of the main culprits.
The invisibility of emotional labor renders it thankless and unappreciated, but the vividness and relatable nature of the term has allowed it to permeate into mainstream discourse. And with that, the concept has become hijacked. A recent article in the New York Times boiled it down to the domestic tasks that typically fall on wives and mothers—planning the children’s school lunches, reminders to take out the trash, etc.—that must be done to keep a household running smoothly. Secondary to those tasks are the accompanying feelings—resentment and animosity, amplified by a sense of unequal parental division of responsibilities—that are similarly experienced by women. Suggests the NYT writer, if the emotional labor imbalance becomes too extreme, couples should seek couples therapy. In the modern era, emotional labor is a feminist issue.
How does Arlie Hochschild, the sociologist who originally coined the term in 1983, feel about the hijacking of emotional labor? In an interview conducted by The Atlantic, she gave a measured response, describing the term as “very blurry and over-applied... I guess I don’t like the blurriness of the thinking.” It struck me that her very response concealed some emotional labor: polite on the surface, but uncomfortable on the inside.
She makes a valid point. When emotional labor has left the professional sphere and has entered the domestic realm; when it is used to describe a household list of domestic chores, whether or not those chores are done happily or grumpily, it has become diluted to the point of being in danger of losing its meaning. Yes, women do tend to shoulder more emotional labor in the workplace, and more attention on its health and professional repercussions means more attempts to alleviate it. But when contexts morph, and meanings change, are we still talking about the same thing?
Psychologists like precision and clarity when defining terms. At its core, emotional labor is the regulation of one’s feelings at one’s job. It is the effort and control it takes to display the organizationally appropriate sentiment—whether that is cheerfulness, compassion, discipline, or neutrality—when personal emotions run counter to those expected and required. It is emotional labor because there is emotional dissonance, i.e., a mismatch between expected and felt emotions. And it is a high stakes issue because it happens at your job and potentially affects your livelihood.
When tips, customer business, manager approval, or performance appraisals are on the line, performing the right kind of emotional management can make the difference between keeping one’s job, or losing it. The ramifications of emotional labor run deep and wide. There is a vast literature in organizational psychology on the topic. A straightforward definition that is crystal clear encourages more meaningful discussion.
When the pandemic closed her office and forced Veronica Wortman Ploetz and her whole team to work from home, she became more productive, almost right away. Wortman Ploetz, a senior manager in a leadership training organisation, considers herself an introvert.
“I get my energy from being alone and recharging,” she says. In the early morning hours, when her house was quiet, she was suddenly able to accomplish more than she typically could in a busy – and for her, draining – office environment.
“I’d get up at 5 a.m. and instead of having to go through the rigamarole of getting ready, feeding the dogs, the laundry list of things to get out the door and do the 45-minute commute, I was just in the zone,” says Wortman Ploetz. “I got everything done when I felt energised in that quiet time.”
While the transition to remote work in early 2020 was abrupt for everyone, some found themselves thriving more than others – in many cases, thanks to their personality type. Many introverted workers found working from a distraction-free environment preferable. Client needs also changed in ways that benefited introverts’ skillsets, while virtual communication offered introverts more opportunities to share their thoughts. For ‘quiet deliverers’ who may once have flown under the radar, remote work offered not only a less taxing day-to-day, but also an opportunity to combine that extra energy with new ways of working – and really stand out.
In a recent Bloomberg interview, Patty McCord, former head of HR at Netflix, said it was clear managers were newly aware of the skills of employees who didn’t command attention before. She referenced a senior executive at a Fortune 100 company who had a “matrix of skills” she once used to identify a great salesperson: “able to control a room, a lot of energy and charisma, confident, blah, blah, blah. And it completely flipped during the pandemic,” said McCord. Suddenly, that company’s best employees were “the quiet ones who would just get on a call with a client and listen”.
Empathy and a propensity toward more thoughtful communication made introverts shine, adds Beth Buelow, a career coach and author of The Introvert Entrepreneur. “That tendency to put others in the spotlight, to hold up the team and be that silent partner, is a strength,” she says. “That is part of what managers and leaders witnessed coming through. They needed the empathetic listener. The person who was willing to step back and be like, ‘I hope you’re doing OK; how can we help?’”
A refreshing change of pace
On top of having the right innate skill set, many introverts benefited from the move away from a physical office environment. That because the traditional office, in many ways, really did not suit workers with more introverted personalities.
“The workplace was created by extroverts, for extroverts,” says Etienne. Open-concept offices are the worst offenders, he explains. “The ease with which people can access your space without invitation can be intense.” In one role, Etienne recalls, “I had a desk by the lifts – the elevators. I couldn’t get 15 minutes of peace.”
That’s tough on someone with an introverted personality, since constant conversation can be draining. While extroverts, in contrast, are energised by social interaction, says Etienne, “at the end of the day, the introvert is spent”.
An introvert’s moment to shine
In the uncertain days at the outset of the pandemic, the needs of companies and their clients experienced a shift, and workers who could meet them stood out.
“While extroverts are celebrated for being outgoing, action-oriented and enthusiastic, introverts bring analytical thought and empathy,” says Richard Etienne, a Surrey-based branding expert who lectures on introverts at work. “During the pandemic, those skills immediately became incredibly sought after. Introverts are reliable; people who take one project at a time and do it thoroughly. They’re good at deep thought and forming personal connection. That was really important during the period when companies were trying to hold onto clients.”
Wortman Ploetz says many who know her might be surprised that she describes herself as an introvert. She spends a lot of time in meetings and hands-on training sessions, but ultimately, she says, “where I draw my energy from is being in a quiet place, alone”.
Neuroscience helps back up the theory. Studies show extroverts are less sensitive to dopamine, and thus require a lot of stimulation to be sufficiently energised. Introverts are far more sensitive to the brain chemical, and over-stimulation can quickly become tiring.
In general, adds Buelow, introverts pay a price for each social interaction throughout the day. That cost dipped considerably with the shift to remote work. “They’re not recharging when they’re in the office and stimulated all the time,” she says. “Just by virtue of having the solitude at home, you have more opportunities, more balance. Your alone to social time ratio is much healthier.”
Etienne considers himself a more introverted person. Like Wortman Ploetz, he says he’s ultimately become more productive while working from home.
“I felt more in control of the management of my time,” he says. “For example, I think we’ve all been through this: you finish a meeting and you’re walking back to your desk and someone spots you and you have a conversation. And you lose the time to process the meeting you’ve just finished, and reset. That doesn’t happen anymore. Now, I can have my moment of reflection in silence, without disturbance. With things like Zoom and Teams there are even ‘do not disturb’ settings; you literally can’t message me.”
Playing to an introvert’s strengths
Beyond providing more peace and quiet, the new, introvert-friendly work environment made space for those personalities to stand out in other ways.
“The physical meeting table disappeared, and with it went the hierarchical structure of the loud people gathered together at the centre and the introverts on the fringes,” says Etienne. And, he adds, those who might have been hesitant to jump into the fray in a conference room were empowered by virtual meeting spaces.
“If one has a fear of public speaking, working remotely allowed that person to speak to their expertise, maybe even to thousands of people, but they’re just seeing a green light at the top of their laptop screen,” he says. The workplace was created by extroverts, for extroverts – Richard Etienne Virtual meetings also tend to have fewer interruptions and overlapping speakers. “The etiquette of the platform is different,” says Buelow. “You’re much more aware of if you’re interrupting or talking on top of someone.”
A slightly slower conversational pace gives introverts the time they need to collect their thoughts. “They have more time to reflect, and then when they offer something, it’s meaningful,” she says. Plus, virtually, “there are more tools at your disposal to contribute to the conversation. It’s not just whoever can get a word in edgewise; there’s the chat, ‘raising your hand’, reactions you can send”.
Plus, extroverted, louder colleagues are less likely to dominate a virtual space than a physical one. “Around the table, some people take up more energy; they occupy more space,” says Buelow. “Virtually, everyone’s occupying the same space. It evens out the energy.”
The lasting impact
With the return to the office – and all its costly stimulation – Buelow is optimistic that lessons learned from remote work will make leaders and workplaces more accommodating to introverts. The definition of the “star employee”, she says, has changed. “Traditionally, we considered ‘contribution’ to mean talking,” she says. “I think we’ve learned that contribution can take many forms, and it’s not necessarily about the person that talks the most.”
There are tactics leaders can use to make sure more introverted employees can continue to contribute, even if the team is transitioning back to in-person work. Simple solutions, like having brain-storming sessions or small-group chats prior to discussion with the full group, can go a long way, says Buelow
It’s a consideration about how to honour those who would like a few minutes to think quietly before sharing their thoughts,” she says. “As we go back to the office, leaders need to be asking, ‘are we offering a diversity of ways to contribute?’. There’s a ton of ways of doing that – it just requires some creativity.”
Wortman Ploetz says the lessons learned about how different personality types can best perform is “something we’re bringing back to the office. There’s a couple people on my team who need that quiet time. So, maybe they’ll book a conference room, or put up some visual indicator on their desk or door that says ‘please come back another time’. And it’s not offensive. It’s just that this person doesn’t want to be distracted. I don’t know if we would have understood that before, but we do now.”
Wortman Ploetz says she’s also maintaining some of the habits that made her so productive at home. “I’m much more diligent about when I will accept meetings on the calendar,” she says, “and I make sure there’s space between them, even if it’s 15 minutes. I think that’s a healthy boundary I wouldn’t have had without the pandemic.”
1) Realize that relationships are the new bottom line.
“Everybody has a relationship history and it goes with you everywhere,” explains Perel. “It doesn’t leave when you walk out of the office – your relationship history defines how you ask for help, how you trust others, how you own up to your mistakes, everything.”
It's humbling to think that we bring our relationship history to work with us every day, but once we know that, we can work with it from a place of conscious awareness. This comes in handy particularly when we encounter conflict at work. Maybe there’s a coworker who rubs us the wrong way, or we recoil from the boss’s leadership style. How much of this is about them, and how much is about us? “In our relationships, we often like to blame the other side,” says Perel. “It takes maturity to have the self-awareness to change a relationship and make it better.”
It also helps, as Perel notes, to see that conflict in relationships tends to circle around three things: power and control, closeness and trust, and value and recognition. Once we recognize that, we can get our needs met—and help meet the needs of others we work with—in a more productive, conscious way (instead of a counterproductive and reactive way).
Your workplace must align with your purpose and sense of self.
“Work has become a major place where people want to experience a sense of identity, belonging, purpose and growth,” Perel says. “And if employees don't find that, then they won’t stay. This became especially prevalent due to the pandemic.”
For proof, look to the recent Pew Research Center survey of 19,000 people in 17 developed countries on what gives their life meaning. Ranking high on the list (just after family, in some cases) was occupation. As Descartes (almost) said, “I work, therefore I am.”
Some believe this emphasis on purpose in the workplace is at the heart of the phenomenon known as the Great Resignation, in which legions of people (led by millennials and Gen Z’ers) have quit their jobs during the pandemic. The savvier that employers are about their people’s need for identity, belonging and growth at work, the better they’ll be able to help meet those needs—and hopefully retain their workers.
3) Workers that play together thrive together.
"What is the difference between relationships that survive and relationships that flourish? Playfulness - being able to transcend beyond the mundane,” asserts Perel. This is as true for couples in romantic relationships as it is for colleagues that work together. Playfulness breaks down invisible walls between people, often leading to more fluid teamwork as well as enhanced creativity, problem-solving or innovation breakthroughs.
“You can't change a workplace if you can't change the conversations happening in that workplace,” says Perel—who believes so deeply in the power of play that she created a game to help spark playfulness at a work meeting or dinner party alike. Where Should We Begin – A Game of Stories is a conversation-starter game that ignites team-bonding, and that can act as an antidote to the “social atrophy” we’ve all experienced in our Zoom-dominated lives.
The upshot of these three takeaways is that we can’t ignore or downplay the importance of relationships and connection at work. They’re essential to our mental health and part-and-parcel to the sense of fulfillment and growth that we crave from today’s workplaces. The more companies and colleagues that are in on this secret, the better.
Many of you are familiar with The 5 Love Languages as described in Gary Chapman’s bestselling book have found them helpful in their personal relationships. Some may wonder if there is really any difference between the 5 Love Languages and the 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace. While the languages discussed in both books are the same in name, the application and expression of the languages in the work environment are quite different than in personal relationships.
First, you shouldn’t assume that your primary love language in personal relationships is the same as your most important language of appreciation in the workplace. We have found that a person’s primary love language and language of appreciation are only the same 65% of the time. So, for example, just because your primary love language is quality time doesn’t mean that quality time is your primary language of appreciation at work.
Additionally, there are some specific differences between the 5 Love Languages and the 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace:
*Often there is a “power dynamic” associated with work-based relationships that doesn’t exist in personal relationships. A relationship between a supervisor/supervisee, employer/employee, or between two team members at different responsibility levels within the organization clearly has different relational dynamics than a personal relationship between spouses, family members or friends.
*A different set of expectations and boundaries exists in work-oriented relationships. Work-based relationships usually are more formal than personal relationships. There are different social boundaries about appropriate topics of discussion, styles of communication, social settings and physical proximity than in relationships with family and friends.
*Verbal praise in front of others is utilized more in workplace settings. As a love language, words of affirmation tend to be communicated more personally between two individuals. In work-based relationships, words of affirmation are often communicated in group contexts – in a team meeting, in front of customers, or at an award ceremony. Additionally, written communication through email and texting is used significantly more in work-based relationships.
*The language of physical touch is less important in the workplace than in personal relationships. Physical touch is the lowest language of appreciation for most people in the workplace. This makes sense – there are more boundaries in the workplace and even appropriate physical touch is not desired by many in the workplace. But spontaneous, celebratory displays (high fives, fist bumps, a pat on the back) are quite common between coworkers and are an important part of positive work-based relationships.
*Different types of quality time are valued in the workplace. While quality time in personal relationships is primarily expressed through focused attention, other types of quality time are also important in work-based relationships. These may include “hanging out” together with colleagues, working on tasks together, and having different types of experiences together to deepen team relationships.
*When demonstrating appreciation through acts of service in the workplace, there are important conditions to meet for the act to be valued by the recipient. Asking if the other person wants assistance, doing the service in the way the recipient wants it done, not repeatedly “rescuing” a colleague who is under-performing, and defining how much time you have to help – all are conditions that need to be met for the service offered to be viewed positively.
*The types of tangible gifts given differ in personal relationships and work-oriented relationships. In personal relationships, tangible gifts tend to be “things” – actual objects. Tangible gifts in the workplace are less about the “thing” and more about the thought behind it – that the giver actually knows what is important or valued by the recipient, what hobbies or interests they have-and the gift reflects this knowledge.
Just as the 5 Love Languages have been found to dramatically improve marriages and friendships, so the 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace are showing themselves to significantly improve relationships among coworkers and to make workplace environments more positive for all who work there. If you benefited from the 5 Love Languages, try applying the same concepts to your workplace relationships (or vice versa!)
About the Book The No Club started when four women, crushed by endless to-do lists, banded together over $10 bottles of wine to get their work lives under control. Running faster than ever, they still trailed behind their male colleagues. And so, they vowed to say no to requests that pulled them away from the work that mattered most to their careers. This book reveals how their subsequent groundbreaking research uncovered that women everywhere are unfairly burdened with “non-promotable work,” a tremendous problem we can—and must—solve.
All organizations have work that no one wants to do: planning the office party, attending to that time-consuming client, or simply helping others. In study upon study, professors Linda Babcock, Brenda Peyser, Lise Vesterlund, and Laurie Weingart—the original “No Club”—document that women are disproportionately asked and expected to take on these tasks that inevitably go unrewarded, leaving women overcommitted and underutilized as companies forfeit revenue, productivity, and top talent.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. The No Club walks you through how to make small, yet significant, changes and empowers women to make savvy decisions about the work they take on. At the same time, the authors illuminate how lasting change calls for organizations to reassess how they assign and reward work.
With hard data, personal anecdotes, self- and workplace-assessments for immediate use, and innovative advice, this book will forever change the conversation about how we advance women’s careers and achieve equity in the 21st century.
Summary 51% of the population will experience menopause. It is a normal, natural, and inevitable part of ageing. Yet for too long, too many people experiencing menopause have struggled with societal stigma, inadequate diagnosis and treatment, workplace detriment and discrimination. This is not normal, nor should we see it as inevitable.
We are heartened to see things are changing, not least with World Menopause Day being openly and frankly debated in Parliament last year. But there is still a long way to go, and the Government must not lose focus.
Health There is still considerable stigma around menopause, particularly for certain groups such as young women, those from different ethnic minority backgrounds and for LGBT+ people. Women’s pain and suffering in relation to menopause symptoms has been normalised. They are told they should simply ‘live with it’. Cost and supply issues with Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) pose serious barriers to many seeking to manage their symptoms, and many women have no faith in their GP to diagnose accurately or provide effective treatment.
To tackle this, we want to see a major public health campaign and targeted communications to GPs on changes to HRT prescriptions. We also call on the Government to commit to cutting the cost of HRT, by scrapping dual prescription charges for oestrogen and progesterone. Menopause must be made a mandatory aspect of continuing professional development requirements for GPs and there should be a menopause specialist or specialist service in every Clinical Commissioning Group area by 2024.
The workplace Women of menopausal age are the fastest growing group in the workforce and are staying in work for longer than ever before. Yet these experienced and skilled role models often receive little support with menopause symptoms. As a result, some cut back their hours or responsibilities. Others leave work altogether. We call on the Government to lead the way for businesses by appointing a Menopause Ambassador who will champion good practice. We want to see the Government producing model menopause policies, and trialling specific menopause leave so that women are not forced out of work by insensitive and rigid sickness policies.
The law The current law does not serve or protect menopausal women. There is poor employer awareness of both health and safety and equality law relating to menopause. More fundamentally, the law does not offer proper redress to those who suffer menopause related discrimination. Our recommendations for employers are designed to ensure fewer women need legal redress. However, those who do need to rely on the law need, and deserve, a better safety net. We call on the Government to commence section 14 of the Equality Act 2010 to allow dual discrimination claims based on more than one protected characteristic. We also want the Government to urgently consult on making menopause a protected characteristic under the Equality Act 2010.
Menopause has been ignored and hidden away for too long. There is nothing shameful about women’s health, or about getting older. Supporting those experiencing menopause makes sense for individuals, for the economy and for society