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Post by iz42 on Jan 30, 2020 1:37:28 GMT
I met someone at an event a few months ago. We went on dates and had a nice time. It's come to a point for me where I see that it's not going to work, and I suspect that he's avoidant. If someone moves around a lot, could that be a sign of insecure attachment? He has lived in 4-5 different cities in the past few years. He moves about once a year, sometimes more. These moves have not been work-related. He makes it sounds like he just likes experiencing living in different places. Some of the moves have been international. He just turned 40. He has been cagey about his relationship history and it's been hard to get clear answers about his past relationships. The last "serious" one was with a woman in a different country and he they broke up when he moved away. Or maybe they broke up before he moved -- I haven't gotten the whole story.
When we first met he didn't mention the possibility that he might move again (his family lives here) but now it sounds like he's been planning to leave this city all along. I feel like he duped me about that. I don't think we're compatible so even if he stayed I wouldn't want to pursue a relationship but I'm wondering if this sounds avoidant. I know it's not enough information to diagnose him but I'm super confused by his behavior.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 30, 2020 5:15:29 GMT
I don't think we're compatible so even if he stayed I wouldn't want to pursue a relationship iz42, could be. The only person I know who used to move that often did so for work, but is also DA. However, it shouldn't matter. All that matters is the above.
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Post by iz42 on Jan 30, 2020 22:10:26 GMT
Yeah, you're right alexandra . I guess I just feel like maybe the fact that he's moved around so much should have been more of a red flag for me off the bat. I expect myself to be able to discern compatibility and attachment style within one or two dates, which probably isn't realistic. I'm upset with myself for "wasting time" on this person, though a few months isn't that bad. I started going on first dates with other people as soon as I realized that it wasn't going to work out.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 30, 2020 22:50:08 GMT
iz42, it's not definitely a red flag, because it is possible someone worked out their issues and actually is ready to settle down, and you met them at the right time. But you may need some time to discern that. If they're not actually being honest, and you just met them, it can take a few months to learn. If they're unaware yet honest, you can generally pick out attachment red flags really quickly (maybe the first couple dates), but it's better to just be secure with yourself, know what you want, and toss back anyone who seems flakey about working with that.
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