Post by DearLover on Aug 25, 2017 16:44:17 GMT
Met him online 9 months ago.
Now I see he was being honest from the get go...In one of our emails before the first date (because we couldn't find a day and time to meet) he said he was wondering if I was trying to be as avoidant as he was trying not to be...Of course I didn't understand this...but he does have some self awareness, he has been to therapy and is interested in psychology and human behaviour dynamics.
Our first date lasted 8 hours and was the best 1st date ever for both of us. We became inseparable after that even if we couldn't meet often at the beginning (I am a single parent and he works a lot). We were constantly texting each other sweet nothings but agreed not to do phone calls for some weird reason.
He was the one pushing to be introduced to my daughter and after that it got easier, he would visit me every weekend when she was at home. When she was at her dad's I would go to his place after doing something fun together. He pushed for exclusivity, he started with the girlfriend/boyfriend/ partner language, he said I was his perfect woman...But deep inside I knew he could be giving much more of his time... however I was glad to be taking things slowly...but I also thought it was weird that he would only praise my physical attributes even though I could feel he appreciated me for much much more.
He would always be sure to have some activities he could do by himself before and after seeing me or he would just dive into work if nothing else. I always felt that he would never allow himself to totally relax when we were together, there was always somewhere to go (together or alone), something to do...Chilling and enjoying at home was such a hard task for him, he wanted to be always on the go.
Sometimes he would arrange a date with me and wanted to meet at the date spot. I would wonder why we couldn't meet at an earlier time or why he couldn't pick me up...and I assumed it was because he had work to do as usual. Then I would learn that he walked for as long as 3 to 4 hours sometimes to get to me, before meeting me...(even though we have great public transport system, he said walking calmed his anxiety down)
Then it started: the work trips. Three work trips abroad in two months. He would keep contact to a minimum, one text message a day, two if I was lucky. Would not see me before the trip and not arrange a date straight after coming back. He cancelled coming as my +1 at my friend's wedding in a way that I perceived as being pretty shady and selfish just because a sudden work trip popped up (he was being manipulative and dismissive always when I raised the issue) It was the first time that we had a real conflict and I was so hurt and disappointed (not so much because of he going on the trip but because of the way he managed the situation). I shared all of my feelings and emotions over texts while he was away working. I was never nasty, never aggressive, juts genuine hurt. I freaked him out.
He wasn't the same after coming back. Time with him got shorter, he became even more busy with work, we started having misunderstandings by text messages to the point that he ignored me and disappeared for two days, Friday and Saturday, when we were supposed to be together... then finally he resurfaced and gave me some crumbs on Sunday night.
I talked to him about moving on to phone calls which he did only once because I put my foot down.
He became even more busy trying to sell his apartment, constantly looking for a new one. The relationship turned into a roller coster of emotions and I felt like an yoyo toy in his hands when we were a part. But everything was beyond amazing when we were together.
Fast forward a few weeks and it is my turn to go on holidays with my daughter. Only for a week. He then starts to talk about his fear of me cheating on him and how alone and bored he will be without me. I ask him if he will wait for me and he replies MAYBE. I took it as a joke but perhaps he was being honest. While I was away he kept texting me how much he missed me, how much he wanted to be there with me, asked for photos...I had a bad internet connection and couldn't charge my phone often...I let him know that...but I still managed to communicate with him more than he ever did to me when he was travelling. Also I started feeling insecure about his feelings since he didn't re-assure me that he would wait for me... he also joked on a late night text about going back to the dating website...I must admit, I started to hold back. I didn't want to appear needy or desperate, and I started to feel resentful of his attitude.
So, I arrive back home on a Sunday morning from holidays (he knows when I am coming back) let him know I just hit the city and joke that 'the dream is over'...he texts back saying that he thought "he was part of the dream" and I text back saying that I was dreaming all the time with him.
He makes no plans to meet me, help me carry luggage back home, or see me later on. I didn't ask. I wanted to give him space.I wanted him to want it himself.
He disappeared until 7pm when he texted me a photo of a country walk he had be on (he chose to be away from the city on the day I was coming back!) and I let him know that my dad passed away on that day. it wasn't a sudden death, my dad had been in hospital for a while and he knew it. He texted some cold, distant condolence stuff but didn't call me. Asked silly questions over texts in one hour intervals...while I was grieving my dad's death... I get angry and hurt, he knows I am living alone with my daughter in this country, I couldn't be at my dad's death bed. I decide to keep quiet and keep just observing his behaviour...Following day Monday he texts at 3.40pm asking how I am getting on, I don't reply. In the evening he text again asking if I am ok and I reply 'yes'. After a few minutes he finally calls twice but I am in the shower..he then lives a text "but not answering the phone?" (how passive aggressive is this?)
I call him back and we talk for an hour or so. I don't scold him for not calling the day before when my dad died and I don't overwhelm him with my grief. I instead listen to him complain about the same old: work, stress, his apartment, etc....He says he wants to see me during the week and I suggest Wednesday since my daughter will be at her dad's. He says on Wednesday is perfect for him because he will have "a little free time". I say that I am not 100% sure I can make it as I might need some time to be alone but will let him know. On Tuesday again he texts me in the afternoon asking how I am, what I am doing etc...My replies are short and direct as I am busy with a friend who is helping me grieve and I am annoyed by what I perceive as his lack of support. He texts in the evening saying that I am very quiet "these days"...I reply: "
I just don't know what to say"
Wednesday morning he texts me saying that since I'm going through such a hard time he decided that it is better if we see each other at the weekend after all. Besides he now has a job interview on Thursday morning so can't see me in the evening anymore. Also, if I grew tired of him, juts let him know...
I wasn't still sure if I wanted to go to his home anyway but now annoyed by the fact that he isn't offering much support and even withdrawing his offer of support, also giving me pressure to keep shallow communication by text and give him the same level of attention I used to give even though I am grieving my dad's death, I decide to end the relationship by text: I wish him good luck on his interview and say that it seems we process emotions in opposite ways and I have been having a hard time with this lately (he knew that already). I say that I always have a lovely time when I am with him but it seems that we are not right for each other after all. It seems we both have different wants and needs from a relationship. I asked if he agreed.
Silence. Completely silence. I thought he would text 'ok' or 'whatever' 'I understand' if agreed or be sorry and fight for me if he didn't agree...
But he is silent.
Following day, Thursday, I am so consumed with the thought of him hurting and I am feeling like such a bad person for ending by text message that I write again:
"I hope you are ok ___. I am just want to say that I am sorry for the way things turned out. It is a real shame things happened this way. I didn't want to wait until the weekend and crumble* when see you...I didn't want to call, I know I wouldn't be able express myself with my voice...and I felt an overwhelming urge to protect my sanity and look after my emotional health. I've never intended to hurt you and I hope you don't hate me. I hope I have your forgiveness. I hope you know and felt how much I care about you and how highly I think of you.Thank you for the last 9 months and for everything you brought to my life. I will cherish all of our good times and miss you dearly."
(*crumble as in giving to his sweet talking in and not ending the relationship)
Still silence. It has been nearly 24h and I know he seen the message. I am fluctuating about being worried about him / feeling guilty / thinking that he actually is relieved and wanted me to end with him anyway. I think he will never speak to me again which actually makes it easy for me to move on but I did want to have at least one discussion about it all, express how I feel about his inability to create real intimacy and hear what he has to say. I want to hear him badly.
I am doubting my actions, I think I made the wrong decision sometimes. Sometimes I know I did the right thing.
I know he is a wonderful person who did have feelings for me but due to his own emotional problems and difficult upbringing became an Avoidant.
He knows that too, and he suggested we go to couples therapy if we ever decide to move in together. We talked a lot about childhood and its effect on our behaviour...and that is precisely why he never wanted to be a dad.
Please tell me people, what do you think.
PS - He liked to control our sex life too and was in my opinion selfish in bed when he could get away with it. Now I see it was a way of not getting too intimate...
Now I see he was being honest from the get go...In one of our emails before the first date (because we couldn't find a day and time to meet) he said he was wondering if I was trying to be as avoidant as he was trying not to be...Of course I didn't understand this...but he does have some self awareness, he has been to therapy and is interested in psychology and human behaviour dynamics.
Our first date lasted 8 hours and was the best 1st date ever for both of us. We became inseparable after that even if we couldn't meet often at the beginning (I am a single parent and he works a lot). We were constantly texting each other sweet nothings but agreed not to do phone calls for some weird reason.
He was the one pushing to be introduced to my daughter and after that it got easier, he would visit me every weekend when she was at home. When she was at her dad's I would go to his place after doing something fun together. He pushed for exclusivity, he started with the girlfriend/boyfriend/ partner language, he said I was his perfect woman...But deep inside I knew he could be giving much more of his time... however I was glad to be taking things slowly...but I also thought it was weird that he would only praise my physical attributes even though I could feel he appreciated me for much much more.
He would always be sure to have some activities he could do by himself before and after seeing me or he would just dive into work if nothing else. I always felt that he would never allow himself to totally relax when we were together, there was always somewhere to go (together or alone), something to do...Chilling and enjoying at home was such a hard task for him, he wanted to be always on the go.
Sometimes he would arrange a date with me and wanted to meet at the date spot. I would wonder why we couldn't meet at an earlier time or why he couldn't pick me up...and I assumed it was because he had work to do as usual. Then I would learn that he walked for as long as 3 to 4 hours sometimes to get to me, before meeting me...(even though we have great public transport system, he said walking calmed his anxiety down)
Then it started: the work trips. Three work trips abroad in two months. He would keep contact to a minimum, one text message a day, two if I was lucky. Would not see me before the trip and not arrange a date straight after coming back. He cancelled coming as my +1 at my friend's wedding in a way that I perceived as being pretty shady and selfish just because a sudden work trip popped up (he was being manipulative and dismissive always when I raised the issue) It was the first time that we had a real conflict and I was so hurt and disappointed (not so much because of he going on the trip but because of the way he managed the situation). I shared all of my feelings and emotions over texts while he was away working. I was never nasty, never aggressive, juts genuine hurt. I freaked him out.
He wasn't the same after coming back. Time with him got shorter, he became even more busy with work, we started having misunderstandings by text messages to the point that he ignored me and disappeared for two days, Friday and Saturday, when we were supposed to be together... then finally he resurfaced and gave me some crumbs on Sunday night.
I talked to him about moving on to phone calls which he did only once because I put my foot down.
He became even more busy trying to sell his apartment, constantly looking for a new one. The relationship turned into a roller coster of emotions and I felt like an yoyo toy in his hands when we were a part. But everything was beyond amazing when we were together.
Fast forward a few weeks and it is my turn to go on holidays with my daughter. Only for a week. He then starts to talk about his fear of me cheating on him and how alone and bored he will be without me. I ask him if he will wait for me and he replies MAYBE. I took it as a joke but perhaps he was being honest. While I was away he kept texting me how much he missed me, how much he wanted to be there with me, asked for photos...I had a bad internet connection and couldn't charge my phone often...I let him know that...but I still managed to communicate with him more than he ever did to me when he was travelling. Also I started feeling insecure about his feelings since he didn't re-assure me that he would wait for me... he also joked on a late night text about going back to the dating website...I must admit, I started to hold back. I didn't want to appear needy or desperate, and I started to feel resentful of his attitude.
So, I arrive back home on a Sunday morning from holidays (he knows when I am coming back) let him know I just hit the city and joke that 'the dream is over'...he texts back saying that he thought "he was part of the dream" and I text back saying that I was dreaming all the time with him.
He makes no plans to meet me, help me carry luggage back home, or see me later on. I didn't ask. I wanted to give him space.I wanted him to want it himself.
He disappeared until 7pm when he texted me a photo of a country walk he had be on (he chose to be away from the city on the day I was coming back!) and I let him know that my dad passed away on that day. it wasn't a sudden death, my dad had been in hospital for a while and he knew it. He texted some cold, distant condolence stuff but didn't call me. Asked silly questions over texts in one hour intervals...while I was grieving my dad's death... I get angry and hurt, he knows I am living alone with my daughter in this country, I couldn't be at my dad's death bed. I decide to keep quiet and keep just observing his behaviour...Following day Monday he texts at 3.40pm asking how I am getting on, I don't reply. In the evening he text again asking if I am ok and I reply 'yes'. After a few minutes he finally calls twice but I am in the shower..he then lives a text "but not answering the phone?" (how passive aggressive is this?)
I call him back and we talk for an hour or so. I don't scold him for not calling the day before when my dad died and I don't overwhelm him with my grief. I instead listen to him complain about the same old: work, stress, his apartment, etc....He says he wants to see me during the week and I suggest Wednesday since my daughter will be at her dad's. He says on Wednesday is perfect for him because he will have "a little free time". I say that I am not 100% sure I can make it as I might need some time to be alone but will let him know. On Tuesday again he texts me in the afternoon asking how I am, what I am doing etc...My replies are short and direct as I am busy with a friend who is helping me grieve and I am annoyed by what I perceive as his lack of support. He texts in the evening saying that I am very quiet "these days"...I reply: "
I just don't know what to say"
Wednesday morning he texts me saying that since I'm going through such a hard time he decided that it is better if we see each other at the weekend after all. Besides he now has a job interview on Thursday morning so can't see me in the evening anymore. Also, if I grew tired of him, juts let him know...
I wasn't still sure if I wanted to go to his home anyway but now annoyed by the fact that he isn't offering much support and even withdrawing his offer of support, also giving me pressure to keep shallow communication by text and give him the same level of attention I used to give even though I am grieving my dad's death, I decide to end the relationship by text: I wish him good luck on his interview and say that it seems we process emotions in opposite ways and I have been having a hard time with this lately (he knew that already). I say that I always have a lovely time when I am with him but it seems that we are not right for each other after all. It seems we both have different wants and needs from a relationship. I asked if he agreed.
Silence. Completely silence. I thought he would text 'ok' or 'whatever' 'I understand' if agreed or be sorry and fight for me if he didn't agree...
But he is silent.
Following day, Thursday, I am so consumed with the thought of him hurting and I am feeling like such a bad person for ending by text message that I write again:
"I hope you are ok ___. I am just want to say that I am sorry for the way things turned out. It is a real shame things happened this way. I didn't want to wait until the weekend and crumble* when see you...I didn't want to call, I know I wouldn't be able express myself with my voice...and I felt an overwhelming urge to protect my sanity and look after my emotional health. I've never intended to hurt you and I hope you don't hate me. I hope I have your forgiveness. I hope you know and felt how much I care about you and how highly I think of you.Thank you for the last 9 months and for everything you brought to my life. I will cherish all of our good times and miss you dearly."
(*crumble as in giving to his sweet talking in and not ending the relationship)
Still silence. It has been nearly 24h and I know he seen the message. I am fluctuating about being worried about him / feeling guilty / thinking that he actually is relieved and wanted me to end with him anyway. I think he will never speak to me again which actually makes it easy for me to move on but I did want to have at least one discussion about it all, express how I feel about his inability to create real intimacy and hear what he has to say. I want to hear him badly.
I am doubting my actions, I think I made the wrong decision sometimes. Sometimes I know I did the right thing.
I know he is a wonderful person who did have feelings for me but due to his own emotional problems and difficult upbringing became an Avoidant.
He knows that too, and he suggested we go to couples therapy if we ever decide to move in together. We talked a lot about childhood and its effect on our behaviour...and that is precisely why he never wanted to be a dad.
Please tell me people, what do you think.
PS - He liked to control our sex life too and was in my opinion selfish in bed when he could get away with it. Now I see it was a way of not getting too intimate...
