Impossible Standards of the FA

Yeah I think so. I’ve worked with an amazing therapist for sixteen years who’s work is based around how much we transfer our childhood patterns to our adult romantic r/ships etc... she’s helped me so much see how much projection goes on to partners, it’s quite frightening. I think unless we bring the young parts of us into consciousness they just run the show incessently.sometimes I wonder if much of my adult self is present at all in romantic r/ships?! Since my previous breakup I feel a bit like I’m having an identity crisis, like who I think I am is not really me per say, it’s just unresolved child parts projecting and expecting all over the place.
Like you I had a mother who put a lot of responsibility on me as a child and I became a high achiever in life generally; and I can see how I place these expectations onto men too. Especially when it comes to “you should be doing the growth/healing work” like me! Although I do feel this is necessary to some degree, but there’s a fine line between requesting someone worknon themselves for the sake of the r/ship and putting your unmet needs onto them in some way.
Fascinating what you said about being attracted to creative types, I wonder if because you had to grow up too quickly as a kid you are looking to get in touch with the parts of you that you couldn’t as easily when you weee young, through the men you are attracted to?

Hell’s bells, to put that into perspective for you, I started therapy when I was 19. I’m now 36. The therapy hasn’t always beeen consistent, especially when I was in my early twenties. I’ve done a lot of other things too like breath work, cranio sacral therapy, energy healing, acupuncture, NLP, dabbled recently in psychedelic therapy, neurofeedback, and many other things. My mother had severe BPD and as violent in many ways with me from a very young age. My father was ok but he had a long standing pot addiction. When I first started therapy I was in a really bad way. Extreme social anxiety, extreme generalised anxiety, suicidal until I was 28, extreme inner critic and constant negative thoughts, very poor sense of self, lots of chronic health problems like fatigue, extreme shyness, hyperactivity and a bunch of other stuff. Now, I am not suicidal, I almost never get social anxiety, I have a fairly good sense of self most of the time, I make friends more easily and am not usually shy, and my anxiety has improved massively. I no longer have chronic health problems. So I have come a long, long, way. I was also very moody in relationships when I was in my twenties and very defensive and reactive. I noticed a this was a lot less in my recent r/ship with FA where I felt like I could regulate my emotions better. When we broke up we went two months no contact (except for a few texts from him about practical stuff) which was instigated by me. In the last I NEVER would have been able to tolerate no contact,it would have been back and forth texts and calls, pleading to get
Him back, etc. now when I say I wonder how much my adult self shows up; I say that because just recently I’ve realised how deep our patterns run. When I was with him I felt adult in his presence a lot of the time, not like a child, but I’m talking about the dynamics of how we engaged; ie, unconsciously wanting to save and fix him, staying with him longer than I should have out of hope etc.
So I’ve come a long way in therapy. However I do agree with you to some extent that some retraumatisation has probably occurred; and after reading extensively about somatic therapy (which I’m starting next week) I am realising a different approach is now needed,one where I work more gently with the nervous system in a slower fashion.